Why Not Tonight

by Susan Mallery

  “She’s so sick. The doctor swears she’s going to be fine and Pallas is trying to convince me it’s not as bad as it was, but I’m not sure I believe her. Even if I do, it’s still awful. I hate seeing her like that.”

  “Won’t it get better soon?”

  “In the next month or so her hormones should calm down. Everyone tells me it’s normal but it doesn’t look normal to me.”

  Ronan couldn’t imagine his brother’s fear. To love someone as much as Nick loved Pallas, then watch her go through everything without being able to help would be awful.

  “I didn’t think it would be like this,” Nick admitted. “I can’t imagine life without her and we both wanted kids. Now I’m terrified all the time. What if something happens to her?”

  “It won’t.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “You don’t know that she won’t be perfectly fine. You’re borrowing trouble.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, but it’s hard not to. She’s so great and she’s being stronger than I could ever be. She’s a little nervous, but not scared.”

  Ronan watched his brother. “She doesn’t have memories of growing up with Ceallach.”

  Nick grimaced. “Believe me, I think about that all the time. When I worry about being a good dad I promise myself I’ll figure out what he would do and then do the opposite.”

  “That’s a great plan.”

  Nick looked at him. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s all his fault. Being an asshole. You know what it was like for him.”

  Ronan knew what he’d been told. That his father had been the only child born to a lawyer and a stay-at-home mother. As far as anyone knew, there was no artist genius in the family, but by the time Ceallach had been three, his parents had realized there was something going on. Tutors had been brought in, and when he had turned seven, he’d been sent away to a famous academy in France.

  “Don’t pull the ‘he wasn’t parented’ line on me,” Ronan said. “Elaine used to say that all the time, all the while defending him from whatever crappy thing he’d done.”

  “It wasn’t his fault,” Nick said. “His parents and teachers pushed him. He never had a normal childhood.”

  “That might excuse not knowing how to be a good father but it doesn’t excuse him being a horrible human being.”

  “True. I think about it. About how much of him is in me, about what I’m going to pass on to my kid. Pallas says it will be fine and I believe she’s okay with it, but I worry.”

  Ronan understood. At least Nick had a counteracting force in Elaine.

  “When it gets bad,” Nick continued, “Pallas tells me that I’m an okay guy and you four are fairly decent, so whatever’s going on with our dad is diluted.”

  “A good way to look at things.” Diluted. He’d never thought of his Ceallach gene pool that way. The problem was, he didn’t know about the other half. What if his birth mother was worse? He couldn’t imagine any normal woman finding Ceallach appealing enough to have a kid with. He figured she had to have been young and assumed she was a partyer who liked to chase after rich, famous guys. Not exactly someone he ever wanted to meet. Not that he would be finding out. He didn’t know anything about the woman—not her name or where she was from. He had a feeling that Natalie would tell him to talk to Elaine (or as she would say, “your mother”) and get the answers. There had to have been a meeting when he’d been passed over. Or maybe not. Maybe he’d simply been left on the doorstep.

  There was only one way to get the information and that was to ask for it. Something Ronan knew was never going to happen.

  * * *

  NATALIE DOUBLE-CHECKED the list she had made based on her notes from Pallas. Normally accomplishing a list of tasks was no big deal but these days she couldn’t seem to keep her attention on anything for more than a second. The reason was simple enough—she was worried she was pregnant. The solution was equally easy. As Silver had said, all she had to do was take the damn test and she would know the answer.

  Saturday, she promised herself. Today was Wednesday. If she didn’t get her period by Saturday morning she would go out and buy a test, or three, and find out for sure. Until then, she would do her best not to worry. Which was turning out to really be easier said than done.

  She returned her attention to the flowers for the centerpieces. They were relaxing for her to make—almost a Zen exercise. She tried to keep her breathing steady and even and stay focused. The process worked for nearly eight seconds and then she was worrying about how everything would change if she really were having a baby.

  “I need therapy,” she murmured. “With a mental health professional.” Or maybe just the courage to go to the drugstore.

  If only her mom were here, she thought. She would know what to say. Natalie smiled. Actually, her mother would go buy the test herself, hand it to her daughter, then wait outside the bathroom door until Natalie had peed. Then her mom would hold her tight and promise everything was going to be all right. The best part was that Natalie would totally believe her.

  Funny how lately her mom had been on her mind so much. She would have thought with the passage of time the memories would get more infrequent. No doubt hanging out with Ronan was part of the reason.

  She knew there were women who weren’t close to their moms. How awful. She couldn’t imagine what that would be like—not to have that loving advice, the shared jokes. Her mom had always been her best friend. They’d done everything together.

  Her phone buzzed. She looked at the screen and saw she had a text from Ronan.

  Want to hang out tonight? I can cook.

  Her stomach clenched. Of course she wanted to see him and be with him and enjoy the evening with him, but there was no way she could do that and not blurt out something she would regret. She hesitated only a second before texting back that she was going to be working on wedding flowers for the next couple of hours. Then she turned back to the stack of paper and did her best to make her words true.

  Nearly a half hour later, there was a knock on her front door. Natalie answered it only to find Ronan on her landing.

  “Hi,” she said as she stepped back to let him inside. “What’s up?”

  His gaze settled on her face as if he were looking for something. “I wanted to make sure you were all right. You sounded, I don’t know, different when you texted.”

  “It was a text. How could you judge how I sounded?”

  He shrugged. “I had a feeling.”

  One that was uncomfortably accurate, she thought. Weren’t men supposed to have the emotional intelligence of a plant? Why did Ronan have to be higher on the food chain than that?

  For a second, she desperately wanted to tell him the truth. That she was scared. Not only because a baby would totally change everything between them but because it would turn her life upside down in ways she couldn’t begin to imagine. She wasn’t ready; she didn’t have her crap together. A baby would be...complicated.

  But to say that was to go somewhere that couldn’t be ungone. She frowned. That wasn’t right. Ungone? Who said that?

  “Natalie?”

  “What? Oh, sorry.” She led the way to her studio. “I’m okay. Just feeling swamped.” She pointed to the stacks of paper, the crates of vases and completed flowers. “I wasn’t kidding about working. I’m struggling to keep up my daily flower count. When I figured out my schedule, I wasn’t helping Pallas with other aspects of the wedding. Of course I want to be there for Pallas, but there’s more to do than I’d realized. Between that and the flowers and work and trying to do at least a little project for myself, I’m running out of hours in the day.”

  He put his hand on the small of her back. “You’re right. It’s a lot. There’s also our bridge project.”

  “What?” The word came out as a shriek. “I totally forgot about that.”

  “Don’t w
orry. Mathias and I are taking care of it.”

  “But we’re doing it together. I need to help.”

  “When would you do that?”

  “I don’t know but I should...”

  She should be doing something, but it was hard to think when Ronan leaned in and kissed her. His mouth was firm, yet teasing, as if he was simply kissing her because it was fun and not because he expected anything.

  “Prioritize,” he told her. “Wedding and work come first. Then your art, then the bridge project.”

  “Are you telling me what to do?”

  “I’m suggesting.”

  It was a good suggestion, one that made sense. “It’s just...”

  He kissed her again, then turned her so they were both staring at her big worktable. “Let me help. I can hand you paper or cut things out, or glue or keep count. Or if I’d only be in the way, tell me and I’ll head out.”

  He was being so nice. It wasn’t fair. She really wanted to spend the evening with him and having help would be great. But what if she said something accidentally?

  Natalie wanted to slap herself. Did she really think she was incapable of keeping even the slightest control over herself? Was she that irresponsible? The only reason she didn’t know if she was pregnant or not was her unwillingness to take the test before Saturday. There was no way she was going to say anything to Ronan before she was sure. It wasn’t fair to him or their relationship. She needed to grow a pair, so to speak, and start acting like an adult.

  “Help would be fantastic,” she told him. “Thank you.”

  “Want me to start by grabbing us takeout for dinner?”

  She laughed. “Yes, please. Then you can glue the little beads on the flowers for me.”

  “I live to serve. How does pizza sound?”

  “Excellent. Everything on it?”

  “I would have picked you as a roasted-vegetable kind of girl.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Ha, ha. Why ruin a perfectly good pizza with that? Let’s do meat.”

  “See, you just keep getting better and better.” He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the apps, then found the one for their local pizza place. Seconds later, he’d ordered it. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. We’ll eat, then we’ll get to work.”

  “Thanks. I really appreciate your help.”

  “I’m happy to be here, Natalie. I hope you know that.”

  She nodded because she had a bad feeling that if she tried to speak she would burst into tears. Which was ridiculous. She was fine. He was a great guy and they were having a good time and absolutely nothing else. Seriously. She had her emotions firmly in check. Really. It was a done deal.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  FRIDAY MORNING CAME damned early. Ronan was up at five so he could make a quick protein shake before heading to town to meet his brothers in the park at six. After that he would go to the studio. He’d had a full team of interns all week and was making good progress on his commission. He had a few more things he wanted to get done today. At least he was getting an early start. Even with meeting his brothers, he would still be at the work studio long before his usual time.

  He drank his breakfast on the way, then realized about five miles too late he should have made coffee, as well. Now it would be at least an hour and a half before he had his first cup. He had remembered a water bottle, so he would have that when the workout was done. He arrived at the park to find Nick and Mathias were already waiting for him. Both looked far more alert than he felt.

  “Good morning,” Nick called. “Isn’t this great? We should have started working out together years ago.”

  “Why?” Ronan asked. “It’s too early.”

  Mathias looked smug. “That’s right. You’re a night owl. Too bad. I love the mornings. The earlier, the better.”

  “Bite me.”

  Like his brothers, Ronan wore shorts and a T-shirt, along with athletic shoes. Nick had said something about running and a few other things. The morning was cool, but he knew he would work up a sweat soon enough.

  “So here’s the plan,” Mathias said. “We’re going to start with a four-mile run.”

  “I thought the race was only a 5K,” Ronan said.

  “It is, but this way we’re more than ready for it.”

  “Or we’ll overtrain,” Ronan grumbled. “You know, I have a gym at home. I could have done this there.”

  “No one trusts you.” Nick’s tone was cheerful.

  “You’re saying I would lie about working out?”

  “Yup.”

  Ronan laughed. “Fine. So we run, then what?”

  “Push-ups and pull-ups until one of us pukes.”

  Mathias groaned. “Great. I can’t wait for that.”

  They started out at a slow jog. The path around the park was a mile long, meaning they would circle it four times. Ronan knew that jogging outside was more challenging than the run he did on his treadmill at home and he looked forward to pushing himself this morning. No way he was going to be the one to puke first.

  “How’s Pallas?” Mathias asked Nick when they’d found their rhythm on the run.

  “Feeling better. Just like the doctor said, her hormones are calming down and she’s having more time between the waves of nausea.” He swore, then continued. “I don’t know how she got through it. I was exhausted and all I had to do was try to help. She was the one dealing with physical symptoms. Her mom told her she went through the same thing with her pregnancies.”

  Mathias shook his head. “Let me guess. Libby being Libby, she was almost gleeful that Pallas was suffering, as well.”

  “You know it. Mothers and daughters are complicated creatures.”

  “But Pallas is definitely better?” Mathias asked.

  “She is. The doctor is hopeful that once she gets through this stage, she’ll be fine. There’s a chance she could be sick at the end of her pregnancy, when the hormones step up again. We’ll have to see.”

  They continued talking about the pregnancy, but Ronan stopped listening. He didn’t want to think about children—not when he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to have any. How could he? The risk was too high. Yet the thought of going through his life with no family was more than grim. He liked being with someone special. Natalie, for example. She was great. Sweet and smart and funny and sexy. There was just something about the way she pushed up her glasses that made him want to rip off her clothes every time she did it.

  “This is just like track team,” Mathias said as they picked up the pace. “Remember?”

  Ronan nodded. He and his brothers had all run track in high school. They’d trained with Nick until he’d graduated. None of them had been state championship material, but they’d been stars at the Fool’s Gold high school and that had been plenty for them.

  “We were gods,” Ronan said with a chuckle.

  “I was a god,” Nick told him. “You two were wannabes.”

  “You wish.” Mathias led them around the final corner as they completed their first lap. “Ronan and I dated twin sisters.”

  “Which was a disaster.”

  Ronan had to agree with Nick. It hadn’t gone well at all. He and Mathias had decided to ask the sisters out to see what it would be like. Unfortunately, the girls were identical twins and he and Mathias couldn’t ever tell them apart. They were forever mixing them up, which probably made a great summer movie plot but in real life led to hurt feelings and plenty of tears.

  “You grabbed my date’s boob,” Ronan reminded Mathias. “What was up with that?”

  “I thought she was my date and we’d definitely gone further than that. I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  “Not for very long. Cindy and Mindy never forgave us.”

  “They probably had a point,” Mathias said. “Maybe we should have called t
hem a few years later. Look at Maya and Del. They were hot and heavy in high school, broke up, then got together ten years later and now they’re married.”

  “You want to marry either Cindy or Mindy?”

  “No. I have Carol and she’s the one I love. Want me to Google them for you?”

  “Thanks, but I’ll pass. I doubt if I could tell them apart any more today than I could back then and that would get me into trouble.” Besides, there was only one woman who interested him these days.

  * * *

  NATALIE WOKE UP a little after seven to a horrible, heavy cramping sensation low in her belly. For a second she lay in bed wondering what on earth was wrong with her. Then she sat up with a whoop and ran to the bathroom. Seconds later, her happiness was complete and the cramps a delightful reminder that she’d been very, very lucky.

  She showered, then got ready for work, all the while profoundly grateful that she hadn’t had to deal with any life-changing pregnancies or births. Just as soon as she got to her desk, she was going to call her doctor and make an appointment to get on birth control. Something easy, like the patch or the shots, would work better for her. She wasn’t sure she was a pill-every-day kind of girl. But either way, she would be on something as soon as possible.

  As she walked to her car, she thought about all the decisions she now didn’t have to make. Despite knowing she would have kept and raised the baby on her own, she was happy she didn’t have to. There were no regrets, no might-have-beens. In her heart, she knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent. She still had to make decisions about her life and figure out what she wanted and where she was going. There were so many options right now. If she’d had to make changes, she would have, but she didn’t and yay.

  Thank goodness she hadn’t said anything to Ronan. There would have been all kinds of drama and for nothing. Even telling him she wasn’t pregnant wouldn’t have taken their relationship back to where it had been before.

  She had a feeling that putting off the pregnancy test wasn’t the lesson she was supposed to learn. That maybe she should be thinking more about taking responsibility for her actions. That the mature decision would have been not to suffer all those days in the first place, that burying her head in the sand, so to speak, wasn’t anything to be proud of.