Why Not Tonight

by Susan Mallery

  She paused as if expecting Ronan to say something. He nodded, because that was the best he could do. There was no way he could string together words that made sense. Just hearing what she was saying was difficult enough.

  “I moved to Sacramento to be close to him.” She pressed her lips together. “I lied to my parents, who had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. I knew our relationship was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stop.” She looked at him, then away. “I’m the oldest of three girls. My dad was a plumber and my mother was a schoolteacher.”

  “Normal,” he said quietly.

  “Yes. Normal and boring and a thousand other things I didn’t appreciate. All I thought of was your father. He said I was his muse and I couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful.”

  She would have seen a side of his father he wouldn’t recognize, he thought. She would know things he couldn’t imagine. It was as if she were talking about someone he’d never met.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. I was shocked and devastated. You were the symbol of our love—how could he want me to get rid of you?” Tears filled her eyes. “We fought and he said he never wanted to see me again. Not knowing what else to do, I called my mom and she came and got me.”

  Ronan tried to make sense of her story. She was nothing like he’d pictured. Pippa had been a regular teenager who got caught up with a man so far out of her league as to be from another planet. She didn’t seem jaded or manipulative. Just sad.

  “My parents were wonderful,” she continued. “They said they’d help me with my baby or help me find a couple to adopt you. I decided to keep you and raise you myself.”

  She twisted her fingers together. “I was barely twenty and so scared, and having a baby isn’t easy. My mom was still working and there were so many hours I was alone. I wanted to go back to college and hang out with my friends.” She bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I know that sounds selfish.”

  “No,” he said, his voice thick and low. “It sounds like you were twenty and trying to raise a kid on your own.”

  “I hope you believe that. I couldn’t just give you away, so I called Elaine.”

  Ronan stiffened. “Not Ceallach.”

  Her mouth twisted. “He’d already made his feelings clear. I knew he wouldn’t take my call. But your mom was different. Obviously I’d never met her, but he talked about her all the time, about how wonderful she was. I felt as if she was someone I could trust. Looking back, I realize how naive I was and how fortunate you are to have been raised by her. When I told her who I was, she didn’t hang up. She listened, and when I told her about you, about how overwhelmed I was, she told me to come to Fool’s Gold, to meet with her. She wanted to see you.”

  Ronan couldn’t believe it. How had Elaine done that? How had she been so generous? Where was the anger at what her husband had done?

  “I flew out with you the next day. When I got to the house, I was so scared. But your father wasn’t there. I’m not sure where your brothers were, but it was just the three of us. She took you from my arms. I remember how she held you and smiled.” Pippa looked at him. “That was it. She looked at you, and then she said she would take you and raise you as her own. She told me about her youngest. A baby only a few weeks older. She said she would tell everyone you were fraternal twins. She arranged the paperwork and that was it.”

  “I always thought Ceallach made her do it,” he admitted, still trying to absorb all he’d been told.

  “I never saw him,” Pippa told him. “I don’t know how she explained you or what was said. I just handed you over and left.” Her smile was shaky. “She and I keep in touch. Not often, but every year or so I get an update. It’s nice to know how well you’re doing.”

  She reached in her handbag and pulled out a large envelope, then handed it to him. “My contact information is in there, along with my family’s medical history. We’re a pretty ordinary, healthy bunch. My parents are still alive and would love to meet you, if you’re interested.”

  She hesitated. “I’m married. My husband is a radiologist and I’m a stay-at-home mom. I volunteer at a women’s shelter and the local library. Nothing very exciting. My husband knows. I never told my kids, although I think they’d find it kind of exciting to know they have an older brother.”

  She leaned toward him. “I want to be clear that I don’t think of myself as your mother. That’s who Elaine is. But I do think of you a lot and I wanted you to know that.

  “I guess that’s all. I’m going to drive back to the airport. I have a flight leaving later tonight.” She smiled. “There is a very big science project due in a few days, and if I’m not there things will go awry, believe me.”

  Everything about the moment was surreal. He didn’t know what to think or how to react or what he was supposed to say.

  “Why now?” he asked. “Why show up now?”

  “I thought you knew.” She sounded surprised. “I’m here because Elaine called me and asked me to get in touch with you as soon as possible. We agreed that speaking on the phone wouldn’t be right, so I flew out first thing.”

  That made no sense. None of it. Not her or the fact that he now knew about the rest of his family. Not how she looked or the life she lived or that she’d shown up with no warning.

  He rose. “I have to go.” He got halfway to the door before returning to the table and taking the envelope. “Thank you for telling me all of this. I’ll be in touch. I just need...”

  She smiled. “You need time. I understand, Ronan. It was good to see you.”

  He nodded and then left. He drove directly to his house, then sat in the truck in his driveway and wondered what on earth he was supposed to do now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  NATALIE COULDN’T BELIEVE she’d missed it all. Ronan’s birth mother showing up, the conversation, everything. She’d been in her gallery office the entire time and hadn’t heard a thing. It was totally unfair.

  On the bright side, speculating about what had happened was a great distraction from her broken heart. She was curious and concerned and hopeful and confused all at once. There was also the fact that getting information from Mathias and Nick was next to impossible. They told her facts. She wanted to know how Ronan had felt.

  Twenty-four hours after the unexpected visit, Natalie was doing everything she could not to drive up the mountain and talk to Ronan. After their last disastrous encounter, she knew she just didn’t have the strength to face him one-on-one. It was hard enough to go to the office every day and do her job. There she got to pretend she wasn’t devastated, wasn’t missing him with every breath, wasn’t feeling as sad and crushed as shattered glass.

  She’d told him she loved him and it hadn’t been enough. While in her head she could admit that his healing or not healing wasn’t about her and that she was wrong to think that just by falling in love with him, everything would be fine. Only that was how she wanted it to be. Her heart ached for him and demanded to know why her love wasn’t enough.

  She knew that what he wrestled with had nothing to do with her—that his issues had existed long before her. The fact that she had finally figured out that she loved him was great, but not life changing for anyone but her. He had to get through his past on his own.

  But she still needed to see him, be held by him. She was desperate to inhale the scent of his skin, watch him move, touch him and hear his voice. She missed everything about him.

  Worse, she knew he was dealing with so much all on his own. She wanted to be there for him, to help him through it, to just listen while he went around and around with the new information his birth mother had given him. Only she and Ronan weren’t talking, at least not as far as she knew. She’d told him she loved him and he’d walked away. That wasn’t exactly an invitation for more time together.

  So she stayed home. She g
rabbed her keys three times, then dropped them back in her bag. Once she got as far as her car before turning around and retreating to her apartment. If Ronan wanted her or needed her, he knew exactly where to find her. She wasn’t going to push herself on him. What he was going through was too important.

  She tried to focus on work, but that wasn’t happening, so she found a Big Bang Theory marathon on one of the cable channels and settled in to be distracted by the antics of Leonard and Sheldon. Somewhere close to nine o’clock, there was a knock on her door.

  Natalie’s heart immediately started pounding. She told herself that it wasn’t going to be Ronan, that she shouldn’t get her hopes up. But she couldn’t help wishing and praying all the way to the door.

  He stood on the landing, looking tired and confused. His expression was weary, his shoulders slumped.

  “Is it okay that I’m here?” he asked.

  She took his hand and pulled him inside, then wrapped her arms around him and hung on tight.

  She told herself that he was here as a friend and that she shouldn’t read too much into his visit. She promised that she wouldn’t say or do anything cringe-worthy. That she would remember she was his friend first, and the woman who loved him second.

  He hugged her back, his strong arms holding her so tight she could barely breathe. God, that felt good. All warm and safe and just like she remembered. If only he would never let go.

  But he did, stepping back. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

  “It’s fine.”

  She led him into the kitchen, then began pulling out leftover take-out containers. Since her confession, she’d been living on Chinese, Thai and Italian, with a little Mexican thrown in. When there was a problem with her life, carbs and cheese were always the answer.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, leaning against the counter.

  “You haven’t eaten in at least twenty-four hours. You’ll feel better with food in your stomach.”

  His eyebrows drew together. “How do you know I haven’t eaten?”

  “Have you?”

  “No.”

  She turned on the oven, then dumped fried rice, Thai basil chicken and a cheese enchilada on a plate and stuck it in the microwave. While they heated she put two slices of pizza and three egg rolls onto a cookie sheet. They could be his second course.

  She poured a large glass of water and handed it to him. He took a drink. After setting the table, she opened a beer and set it by the place mat, then put the small cookie sheet in the oven and pulled the plate from the microwave. She set it in front of him.

  “Eat.”

  He picked up his fork. “Are you sure you don’t want some of this?”

  “I already had plenty. Don’t worry about talking. Just eat. We’ll talk after.”

  She softened the words by putting her hand on his shoulder, then stuck her phone into a small docking station so she could put on some music. Once he’d started on his impromptu meal, she made herself some herbal tea. By then his plate was clean and the pizza slices and egg rolls were warm.

  “I was starving,” he admitted as she took the seat across from him. “I didn’t realize. Thanks, Natalie.”

  “No problem.” She smiled. “Think of my place as the international buffet of leftovers.”

  “It’s more than that.”

  She told herself not to read anything into his words. He was here and for now that was enough. Yes, her heart was broken, but she was dealing. Just being around Ronan made her feel better. Maybe they could figure out how to get back to being friends. They’d started out as friends, and now that she knew him better, she liked him even more. Not having him as the man in her life was awful, but to lose him in every way was unthinkable. Unless she quit her job and left town, they were going to see each other all the time. Wouldn’t it be better to stay friends instead?

  But first, his past.

  She waited while he finished eating, then drank about half the beer. Only then did he lean back in his chair and look at her.

  “You heard what happened.”

  A statement, not a question, she thought. “Nick and Mathias told me about your birth mother.”

  “I didn’t know if she was alive or not.” He shook his head. “I still can’t believe it. She was...nice. Nothing like I expected. She told me about her relationship with my dad.” His mouth twisted. “Not something I want to think about. He’s such a jerk.”

  “To you, not to her. Plus, it was a long time ago. I’m sure in his time, he was...different.”

  One corner of his mouth turned up. “I’m sure he was, too. Especially around other women. She talked about meeting him and what it had been like to fall for him.” He leaned forward and wrapped his hands around the beer bottle.

  “She was just a kid. Nineteen. She was from some small town. He played her.”

  “I’m glad you’re not mad at her for what happened.”

  “How could I be? She wasn’t ready for the likes of him. I’ve known him my whole life and he still pushes my buttons. He doesn’t believe in rules, so he nearly always wins.”

  He closed his eyes for a second, then looked at her. “My head hurts. I’ve been going over it and over it. All she told me about herself... She’s married, with a couple of kids. I guess they’re my half siblings, as well. She left me a letter saying she would like to stay in touch, if I’m interested.”

  “Are you?”

  “Hell if I know.”

  “It’s a lot to take in.”

  She wanted to reach across the table and touch him to offer support and reassurance. She wanted to take him to her bed and help heal him that way. Only she couldn’t do either. Things were different now. Her confession stood between them—a giant elephant neither of them would acknowledge.

  “Nick called Elaine,” he told her.

  “What?”

  “Nick told her what happened with you and me and asked if she knew how to get in touch with Pippa. Nick set the whole thing in motion.”

  Natalie remembered Nick promising her he would fix things. She’d thought he’d meant that he would talk to Ronan. “Are you mad at him?”

  “No. Why would I be? He had no idea if Elaine knew Pippa. She never said anything about her to me, but they’ve been communicating all this time.” He looked at Natalie. “Elaine called Pippa and told her there was a problem and within twenty-four hours she was here. What does that mean?”

  “That they both care about you, Ronan. They’ve always cared. I guess they were just waiting for permission to help.”

  He swore under his breath. She wasn’t sure why, but told herself to keep quiet. That he had to work through it all.

  She wanted to hope, wanted to believe that now everything would be all right. He would start to see that there was more in him than Ceallach, that he had a light side to counteract the darkness. Maybe then he would realize how much he needed her in his life. Maybe, just maybe, he would fall desperately in love with her and they could live happily ever after.

  Or maybe not. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. While she appreciated that he’d sought her out, she didn’t know what it meant.

  “It was Elaine’s decision to take me in,” he said unexpectedly. “I thought my old man forced me on her, but it was her choice. He didn’t even know. Once I found out the truth about my past, I assumed she’d been coerced and that acting as though I was her favorite was her way of overcompensating. I thought she’d been lying to me.”

  “But it wasn’t like that,” Natalie whispered.

  “It wasn’t. All the times she made me crazy, siding with Ceallach over her sons, that was part of it. The heart that allowed her to take in her husband’s bastard was the same heart that couldn’t help loving him that much. Loving all of us, I guess.”

  “She’s flawed, Ronan. Everyone is. We make mist
akes. I’m sure if she could go back, she would do things differently. Wouldn’t you?”

  He nodded.

  “You need to go talk to her. Tell her what happened.”

  He looked at her for a long time. Silence stretched out between them. For a second she was terrified she’d gone too far and that he was going to get mad at her. Then she told herself to suck it up. If Ronan got mad, she would tell him he was wrong and they both knew it. The break with the woman who had raised him had gone on far too long and it was time to fix things. If he couldn’t see that, he was a stupid butthead, which she had told him before.

  Before she got much mad going, he smiled. “You’re right. I need to go to Fool’s Gold. Want to come with me?”

  “What?”

  “I’m going to drive up there tomorrow. Come with me. We’ll take a couple of days off and see the sights.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “If you don’t want to, I understand, but I’m hoping you’ll go with me. We have things to talk about.”

  Hope fluttered insistently. Natalie supposed the smart thing would be to protect herself, but she didn’t know how to do that. Not when she loved Ronan as much as she did.

  “Of course I’ll go with you. How long will we be gone?”

  He thought for a second. “If we leave early tomorrow, we can be there by the afternoon, then cut across to San Francisco. Let’s spend a couple of nights there. We can hang out in the city.”

  She smiled. “I’d like that. Let me text Atsuko and tell her I won’t be in. Oh, and I need to pack and...”

  He rose and pulled her to her feet, then kissed her. “You have a lot to do. Let me get out of your hair. I’ll be back tomorrow. How early is too early?”

  “Does six work?” Which was early, but she doubted she would be sleeping much that night.