by Deb Kastner
But thanking God didn’t seem to be enough. Not to Nate. If he was going to acknowledge God, he ought to be serving God. It only made sense, and Nate was nothing if not pragmatic.
“I’ll do it,” he said aloud into the darkness, adding a clipped nod for good measure.
“Do what?” asked a sleepy-voiced Jess, stepping from the shadows.
Startled, Nate’s heart hammered in his chest as he turned to the sound of her voice.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
Her hair was mussed from napping, which, Nate thought, was somehow endearing. She had wrapped herself in the blanket he’d covered her with earlier, and he could see her breath on the crisp air.
She arched her eyebrow and pursed her lips, acknowledging that she was completely aware he’d just deliberately dodged her question.
With an unexpected wave of amusement, he realized he was out in the cold weather with nothing heavier than a T-shirt and jeans, and was pacing around speaking out loud to himself.
He must look like a real nutcase.
He felt mirth bubbling up in his throat, and for the first time since the night Ezra had died, he felt the tremendous, ominous weight in his chest lighten and dissipate.
He threw back his head and laughed.
When Nate laughed, his entire countenance changed.
The night was dark, with only a sliver of a moon, but Jessica was close enough to see the feathering of laugh lines around his gleaming golden eyes and the indentation of the adorable little dimple that suddenly appeared in his left cheek.
It was the first time Jessica had seen Nate laugh, and her heart turned right over, even as an answering smile drew the sides of her lips upward.
“You should do that more often,” she murmured, stepping closer.
“Do what?” he asked, punctuating his question with another chuckle. “Talk to myself?”
“Laugh,” she answered, giggling. “It looks good on you.”
“Like a crazy man?”
It occurred to her that Nate was acting a little out of the ordinary. It wasn’t so much that he was talking to himself—she’d been guilty of an occasional soliloquy when she was the only one in the room—but rather the fact that he was outside in a short-sleeved shirt in weather cold enough to frost his breath.
The thought made her shiver, and she pulled the woolen blanket more closely around her shoulders. Warmth immediately washed over her, and it wasn’t just from the blanket. She hadn’t covered herself with a blanket when she’d dropped off to sleep on the sofa.
She hadn’t meant to sleep at all.
Yet she had.
And sometime after that, Nate had thought to pull a blanket around her.
It had been a long time since anyone had done anything to care for her. She prided herself on her newfound independence, but Nate’s thoughtfulness warmed her nonetheless.
“Are you cold?” Nate asked solicitously.
“A little,” she admitted. “But not nearly as cold as you must be.”
He looked down at his bare arms as if just now realizing he was without a coat, and then he threw back his head and laughed again.
Jessica took a step back. Maybe the man was off his rocker.
“Not crazy,” he assured her as he turned her by the shoulders and pressed her back toward the warmth of the cabin. “Just punchy, I guess. You’d think I’d be used to sleep deprivation after ten years in the marines, but that doesn’t hold a candle next to this—caring for an infant 24/7.”
A sudden wave of sadness gripped Jessica’s heart, but she pushed it away and forced herself to smile up at the gruff marine who was now holding the cabin door open for her.
“No? Go figure.”
Nate followed her inside, shaking his head emphatically as he went.
“Not even close. Frankly, I don’t know how parents do it.”
Jessica leaned over the playpen to check on Gracie. The baby was awake and had rolled onto her back, staring up at Jessica with her enormous brown eyes and sucking steadily on her thumb.
Jessica smiled down at Gracie, reaching for her just as the baby crinkled up her face and started to wail.
“That’s easy,” she told Nate as she tucked baby Gracie to her shoulder and patted her back. “It’s love. Pure and simple.”
His smile never leaving his face, Nate stepped forward and kissed Gracie’s cheek. His crisp, musky scent followed his movement, and Jessica couldn’t help but inhale deeply, her head reeling.
“And who wouldn’t lose their heart to little chubby cheeks like these?” he asked softly.
Gracie reached for Nate, and Jessica handed the baby off to him, her heart skipping a beat at the sheer delight radiating from Nate’s eyes.
“She feels cool,” he said, rubbing his cheek against Gracie’s. “I think her fever must have broken.”
Jessica placed the backs of her fingers against Gracie’s forehead and then nodded in agreement. “She’s definitely doing better. Why don’t you check her temperature with the thermometer and I’ll see if I can’t rustle her up a bottle.”
Nate nodded and took a seat in the rocking chair, propping Gracie on his lap.
“The formula is in the cabinet over the sink, and there’s bottled water in the fridge.”
Nate already had the thermometer under Gracie’s arm and the baby was protesting loudly, so Jessica moved to the kitchen, finding all the equipment just where Nate had indicated. She went to work, quickly mixing the formula in a clean bottle she took from the strainer.
She felt oddly at home puttering around in Nate’s kitchen, knowing he and Gracie were waiting for her just around the corner. She surprised herself sometimes. At times painfully shy, she usually had to forcefully put herself out there, but with Nate and Gracie, she felt natural.
Comfortable.
And that thought in itself was enough to make Jessica’s emotions immediately swing to the polar opposite, until her nerves were stinging with the urge to flee.
She could not afford to get too comfortable with Nate.
He was leaving.
Soon.
He’d said as much, earlier that day. He was only here to see his sick father. And then…
And then nothing.
There was absolutely no sense dwelling on the inevitable.
With a sigh, she placed the bottle in the small microwave on the counter and punched the start button, warming the milk for a few seconds.
Nate had called her when Gracie became ill. But then again, she was the resident child-care expert. And even if there was something more to it than that, there couldn’t be more to it than that.
Jessica knew she had to have a care after her own heart. She wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship with a man, especially a man with a baby. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.
And how foolish was it to even be considering any of this? There was a baby in the next room howling for her bottle.
“That’s a good sign,” Jessica commented as she entered the living room and handed Nate the bottle. “Her fussing, I mean. It shows she’s feeling better.”
Nate chuckled as Gracie rooted for the bottle. “If you say so.”
Jessica slid onto the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her. “I do. Gracie obviously caught a touch of something, but I think the worst is behind her.”
“Thanks to you.”
Jessica shook her head. “You know I can’t take the credit. The glory belongs to God.”
To her surprise, Nate nodded his agreement.
She smiled. “But I’m glad I could be here for you and Gracie.”
“Not as glad as I am.”
“Which does raise a question,” she continued, knowing she was headed into deep water but unable to stop herself from asking.
“Go ahead,” he encouraged when she didn’t jump right in with her question. “It’s okay.”
“If it’s none of my business, just tell me it’s none of my business.”
Nate’s jaw tig
htened almost imperceptibly, but he nodded for her to continue.
“Why didn’t you call Vince today?”
The muscles in Nate’s neck strained as he swallowed hard and his jaw was equally tight. He didn’t immediately answer.
“I’ve known Vince for almost a year now,” she explained. “I think he would have wanted to be there to support you and Gracie.” Nate scowled.
“I know he would,” she amended hastily.
“No,” he snapped, then shook his head, inhaled and exhaled harshly. “I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being around Vince a lot longer than you have. Trust me. I know him. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’d hoped things would change when I came back home, but they didn’t.”
“But Gracie…”
“I’m not saying Vince has anything against Gracie. It’s me he doesn’t like. There’s a lot of bad blood between the two of us.”
Jessica didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t imagine her employer being painted with the large, harsh strokes Nate was using, but she knew that to Nate at least, that was how Vince appeared.
“I’m sorry,” she said, resting her hand on his forearm. “I shouldn’t have brought up the subject. I can see it’s touchy.”
“And I’m sorry I snapped at you,” Nate responded, his voice reticent. “You inadvertently touched my hot button and I overreacted.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again.
“Don’t be. My frustration is not with you. I wish there was some way to bridge the gap between my brother and me. For Gracie’s sake, if not mine. But honestly, I don’t see that happening.”
“There must be some way.” Jessica didn’t have a clue as to what that might be, though, so she clamped her mouth shut.
When would she ever learn to think first and speak later—to mind her own business?
“I’m open to suggestions,” he quipped, but he frowned as he said it.
Jessica took the unspoken hint, judging what Nate really meant, and not what he said. “And I am officially butting out and keeping my mouth shut.”
They both chuckled, but Jessica felt as if she’d broken the tenuous personal bond which had formed between them, and she wondered how to get it back.
“Too little, too late,” she muttered. She hadn’t really meant to say the thought aloud, and certainly not loud enough for Nate to overhear her.
“Not at all,” he assured her.
She felt her face reddening under his amused gaze, but he winked at her, putting her at ease. His features looked far less strained and his smile was genuine.
If he could let it go, could she do any less?
“Believe me,” he continued, “nothing you said is anything I haven’t been thinking about since before I set foot back on Morningway grounds.”
“I hope…” Jessica started, and then she stammered to a stop. “I’ll pray for you.”
“Thank you. I need all the help I can get.”
Jessica’s eyebrows rose. Nate sounded sincere—genuinely earnest. She prayed she wasn’t imagining things, that Nate’s heart was actually shifting toward an authentic faith in God.
It sure looked that way.
Trauma had that funny effect on people, and she should know. What was the old saying? There were no atheists in foxholes?
“I’m not blaming everything on Vince,” he explained, his voice low and gruff as he tenderly gazed down at the baby in his arms. “I believe you when you say Vince is a good person. Ten years can change a man. I’m living proof of that.”
He paused and scrubbed a hand down his face. “The truth is, I burned a lot of bridges when I left Morningway Lodge ten years ago.
“I was young and foolish and headstrong. And I had a chip on my shoulder the size of Colorado. The day I turned eighteen, I took off and joined up with the marines. I didn’t tell Vince—or my pop—that I was leaving. I just went. I wrote them a letter from boot camp. I suppose, given those circumstances, I can’t blame Vince for holding a grudge.”
“Oh,” Jessica breathed, then clapped a hand over her mouth.
He paused and looked up, his golden gaze warming hers. His slightly twisted smile was self-deprecating and apologetic.
“So anyway, you can imagine that my pop won’t be too happy to see me, either.”
“You haven’t seen him yet.” She hadn’t meant to form her thoughts as a statement, but she was belatedly aware it came out sounding that way.
Nate shook his head.
“I might have been wrong about Vince,” she said softly. “But I think you should visit your father. He’s not feeling well.”
Nate shifted Gracie to his shoulder and patted her softly on the back. He stared at Jessica a moment, his brow low over his eyes, and then nodded.
“I know. When I heard about his stroke, I was on my second tour of duty in Iraq, so I couldn’t come home to see him. I understand he’s gotten worse recently.” His voice was laced with regret, and his feelings showed in the way his lips turned down at the corners as he spoke.
“You should go see him,” she reiterated, thinking of the last time she’d seen the old man several weeks ago. He hadn’t looked well even then. As Nate had said, he had taken a turn for the worse recently and was confined to his room.
“I will. I guess that just goes to show you what a coward I am.”
A coward? A man who’d served his country in the war, defusing bombs so his comrades would be safe? A man who had…
“I don’t think anyone would call you a coward, Nate,” she said softly. “You stepped up and took the guardianship of your best friend’s baby. I think that shows great depth of character.”
Nate’s gold-specked eyes glowed with the compliment. “Thank you. That means a lot, coming from you.”
Jessica shuddered inwardly. Nate didn’t know what he was saying. She was the biggest coward of all.
“And you’re right,” he continued. “I do need to see my father. He’s the reason I came back to Morningway Lodge in the first place, although I admit I’ve been a little sidetracked since I’ve been here. But I will go and see him,” he vowed. “And soon.”
Chapter Six
Jessica had never been a late sleeper, not even on weekends. And today was no exception.
The past week had flown by, between work and checking on Nate and Gracie every evening. She never stayed long, not wanting to throw the baby off her newly formed routine. Gracie had, Jessica noted, recovered nicely from her fever and was busy trying to learn to crawl around Nate’s cabin.
It was Saturday morning, exactly a week after Gracie had spiked her high fever. Jessica was up with the sun, despite having had a deep, dreamless sleep the night before. Though she’d had a full eight hours, she felt as if she’d had no rest at all.
Nate’s words to her the week before had echoed through her mind, taunting her incessantly. Though their conversations over the past week hadn’t gone beyond remarking about the unusually crisp fall weather and Gracie’s happy recuperation, Jessica distinctly felt there was always something unspoken hanging in the air just over their heads.
She had been absolutely sincere when she’d complimented Nate’s character. He was the bravest and strongest man she knew.
But it bothered her that her good opinion was obviously so important to him. His warm, golden gaze had said as much as his words, and his words had been shocking enough.
He had somehow erroneously set her on a pedestal, though she couldn’t conceive of why.
And he was wrong.
So utterly wrong about her.
Sweeping her hair back into a ponytail, she threw on sweatpants and a hoodie and her favorite pair of running shoes and, after stretching, took off jogging down a well-worn path by her cabin.
Her daily morning jog was her quiet time, the time she lifted her burdens to God and found peace and sustenance for the day ahead.
But this morning she found it hard to pray. Her mind was so jumbled she couldn’t even put coherent thoughts tog
ether, much less lift them to the Lord.
When—and more to the point, how—had her life become so complicated?
She had come to Morningway Lodge to retire from the mainstream world, and she had worked hard for the peace and stability she had attained in her life. She held it to her heart and guarded it close.
And then one day a rough-edged marine and his baby girl had arrived at the lodge and had changed everything. That was the when, and probably, she thought wryly, the how, as well.
She had felt compelled to visit Nate and Gracie every evening after work this week, just to see how the baby was doing, or at least that was what she told herself. Avoiding them wasn’t even an option. She had come too far to turn back now.
Truthfully, she didn’t even want to try.
Jessica recognized the trust Nate had placed in her by admitting the mistakes he made in his youth. She sensed he wasn’t the type of man to give much away, and she felt honored and humbled that he’d chosen to share about his life with her.
She had a lot to learn from Nate—a man who had acknowledged his past and vowed to move forward. Jessica knew herself not to be nearly that strong. She had buried her past rather than acknowledging it.
She winced at the sudden stitch in her side. She’d been running full-force without realizing it. She would have laughed at herself if she could have caught her breath enough to do so. Shaking her head at her own lack of sense, she slowed her pace to a jog and then turned back toward her cabin.
She was hiding the truth. From everyone. She’d buried the past, as much as anyone could who’d been through the type of trauma she’d faced.
Certainly no one at Morningway Lodge knew of her struggles, and that was the way she liked it.
And how she would keep it.
At least for now.
In the meantime, she decided, she would be a friend to Nate. If she was cautious with her heart, there would be no harm done.
She would be careful. Nate had told her he was leaving soon, and all that would be left in his wake would be a few happy memories of the time she had shared with him and Gracie.
It was a little early to call on Jess, but Nate had decided to move forward with his plan to see his father; and to do that, he needed Jess’s help.
