Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories

by Starnes, Todd

  The mainstream media and the ruling class treat us like children. They preach the gospel of civility but mock us with disdain and condescension.

  "They're too stupid," said HBO host Bill Maher on TBS. "They're like a dog."

  John Hickelooper, the Democratic mayor of Denver, called us "backward thinkers."

  Actress Janeane Garofalo called the Tea Party racist, saying, "This is racism straight up and is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks."

  Attorney General Eric Holder called us a "nation of cowards."

  First Lady Michelle Obama said, in noting the kind of changes that backlight and support much of what I've discussed in this book, "For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country."

  Perhaps one of the most telling examples of this hatred toward our nation came from an Obama nominee to the federal court, Judge Edward Chen. The following paragraphs appeared in The Washington Times in 2009.

  Judge Chen's words speak for themselves. When the congregation sang "America the Beautiful" at a funeral, Judge Chen told the audience of his "feelings of ambivalence and cynicism when confronted with appeals to patriotism—sometimes I cannot help but feel that there are too much [sic] injustice and too many inequalities that prevent far too many Americans from enjoying the beauty extolled in that anthem."

  In a speech on Sept. 22, 2001, he said that among his first responses to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on America was a "sickening feeling in my stomach about what might happen to race relations and religious tolerance on our own soil. . . . One has to wonder whether the seemingly irresistible forces of racism, nativism and scapegoating which has [sic] recurred so often in our history can be effectively restrained."1

  Funny, when I hear people sing "America the Beautiful," I have feelings of gratitude and thanksgiving that God would shed His grace on a people so undeserving.

  Paula Deen knows about that grace. One of the most wonderfully kind and generous chefs in the nation had a difficult lot in life. "I didn't have two nickels to rub together," she told me. "So it makes me very appreciative and very grateful for everything."

  Miss Paula is proof that anyone can achieve the American dream. "I have worked hard. But God, in turn, has blessed that hard work. And it's important when we're blessed that we pay it forward and try to help someone else."

  It's that type of spirit that built a nation—a nation of free men and women who trusted God and not the government. If you believe liberal lawmakers and the mainstream media, we are a nation who no longer believes in God. But that's just not true.

  Congressman Randy Forbes, a Republican from the Commonwealth of Virginia and chairman of the Congressional Prayer Caucus, addressed this issue in U.S. News & World Report.

  So, if America was birthed upon Judeo-Christian principles, at what point in time did our nation cease to be Judeo-Christian? It was not when a small minority tried to remove the name of God from our public buildings and monuments. It was not when they tried to remove God from our veterans' flag-folding ceremonies or to take the motto off our coins. Nor was it when this small minority fought to banish prayer from our schools, strip the 10 Commandments from our courtrooms or remove the phrase "one nation under God" from the new Capitol Visitor Center.

  No, the answer is clear: While America has always welcomed individuals of diverse faiths and non-faith, we have never ceased to be a Judeo-Christian nation. That small minority could tear references of faith off every building and document across our nation, but it would not change the fact that we were built on Judeo-Christian principles.2

  According to Gallup, 78 percent of Americans consider themselves Christian. So what does that tell us?

  It tells us President Obama was off the mark when he told the Christian Broadcasting Network in 2007 that the United States was "no longer just a Christian nation." On the contrary, Mr. President, I say again—the United States is overwhelmingly a Christian nation.

  Friends, I hope you know that Christ alone is the author of our freedom. Without Him, without His guiding hand, our nation will cease being free.

  Throughout my travels across this great nation, I've discovered some wonderful people—my fellow countrymen. I've met police officers and firefighters, nurses and school teachers. I've met soldiers and veterans, Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. I've met pastors and journalists, farmers and construction workers.

  I've watched them pledge allegiance to the flag, to one nation under God. I've heard their stories of defending our nation from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli. They go to work. They go to church. They go hunting and fishing. They go to Little League games and Sunday dinners on the grounds.

  I've watched the sun rise over Egg Harbor Township in New Jersey and watched the sun set over the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. I've taken a riverboat ride on the mighty Mississippi and climbed the Great Smoky Mountains.

  I've had barbecue in Memphis and gumbo in New Orleans, deep-dish pizza in Chicago and a hot dog from a street cart in New York City. I've dined on Moon Pies in Chattanooga and Sonora Dogs in Tucson.

  I've watched a stickball game in Brooklyn and a baseball game in Atlanta. I've run the New York City Marathon and welcomed in the new year in Times Square.

  This is the America I know. This is the America I love.

  But our nation and our world is at a precarious point in history. Many folks, Christian and non-Christian, are asking the same question: What is this world coming to?

  According to the Bible, this world is coming to an end. For generations we've heard the prophecies—earthquakes, fires, floods, famine, wars. There is turmoil and unrest in the land. There is sadness and sorrow. A sense of hopelessness seems to grip the country. But, friends, as I write these words, I do so from a heart filled with joy. That's because this world is not my home. And if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, it's not your home either. We're just passing through.

  The Bible calls us aliens in this world. Aliens are people who have placed their hope and trust in Jesus Christ. There's a song made famous by R.E.M. called "It's the End of the World as We Know It."3 There's a bit of truth in that tune. It is the end of the world as we know it. And you know something? I feel just fine.

  When I was a little boy growing up in the South, I walked down the aisle of a Southern Baptist church and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Romans 10:13 tells us, "Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved."

  And one day, perhaps soon, Jesus is going to return to take His people home. One of my favorite gospel songs talks about a "Great Gettin' Up Morning." And on that glorious day, I don't know about you, but I plan on getting up and going somewhere special.

  36

  The End

  Wolf Blitzed: This is breaking news on the Global News Network. Strange events are happening across the country both in the sky and on the ground. New York City's 911 system was overwhelmed just moments ago by complaints of loud horn sections blasting across the boroughs. We tried to reach city officials but were unable to hear their responses because of what sounded like trumpets sounding in the distance. Civil defense sirens have sounded in most American cities, and people are being urged to take shelter immediately. Live on the phone with us is General John Bigguns from NORAD. Sir, what can you tell us?

  General Bigguns: Wolf, we've never seen anything like it. Our radar systems are overwhelmed right now. We're tracking hundreds, if not thousands of targets.

  Wolf Blitzed: Dear Lord! Are we all doomed? Which cities will be hit first?

  General Bigguns: Uh, I think you might have misunderstood, Wolf. These aren't incoming targets.

  Wolf Blitzed: I'm confused, General.

  General Bigguns: Wolf, these are outbound targets.

  Wolf Blitzed: We'll get back to the general in just a few moments, but right now I want to bring in Dr. Rashad Guppie, GNN's
chief environmental reporter. According to eyewitness accounts the clouds are rolling back, and it appears the sky is opening. Got any answers for us?

  Dr. Guppie: Wolf, it's pretty obvious what is happening. Former Vice President Al Gore has just released a statement, and he believes the parting of the clouds is a direct result of climate change. Mr. Gore said it's imperative Americans immediately reduce their carbon imprint.

  Wolf Blitzed: Certainly makes sense to me, Dr. Guppie. In the meantime let's go live to Washington, DC, where our sexy blonde reporter is standing by.

  Sexy Blonde Reporter: Wolf, I'm at the Tomb of the Unknowns, and I've gotta tell you, my surgically enhanced body is shivering all over. Just moments ago the ground started shaking, and the grave markers began falling over.

  Wolf Blitzed: An earthquake, Sexy Blonde Reporter?

  Sexy Blonde Reporter: That's what I thought at first, Wolf. But then the lids on the coffins started opening up and . . .

  Wolf Blitzed: Tell us, Sexy Blonde Reporter, tell us what you see.

  Sexy Blonde Reporter: Wolf, I see dead people, and I think they're alive.

  Wolf Blitzed: I don't mean to interrupt you, but we're now getting reports of breaking news onboard the Space Shuttle Endeavor. Let's listen in to this live feed from the Johnson Space Center in Houston.

  Endeavor: Uh Houston, we've got a problem.

  Houston: All systems appear to be functioning normally, Endeavor.

  Endeavor: It's not mechanical, Houston. We're picking up some unidentified flying objects.

  Houston: Could you repeat that, Endeavor. Your last transmission was a bit garbled. Sounded like you said some UFOs were flying around up there.

  Endeavor: Affirmative, Houston. Unidentified flying objects, and there are a lot of them.

  Houston: You boys drinking something up there?

  Endeavor: That's a negative, Houston. The objects appear to be human in nature and seem to be fairly docile. We've observed many of them smiling—sweet mercy, Houston!

  Houston: What is it, Endeavor? What's going on up there?

  Endeavor: I could've sworn I just saw Jerry Falwell floating by the shuttle bay. He was holding a sign.

  Houston: A sign? What did it say?

  Endeavor: "I told you so."

  Wolf Blitzed: Obviously something delusional is happening onboard the shuttle. We will keep you posted. We're also monitoring developments overseas in Europe. Correspondent Jacques LePew is live in Paris. Jacques?

  Jacques: Bonjour, Wolf. Seems like a normal day in gay Paris! Nothing out of zee ordinary to report.

  Wolf Blitzed: Thanks, Jacques. We're getting similar reports from London, Moscow, and most of western Europe. We've also tried reaching out to some of the nation's religious leaders, but so far no one has returned our calls. Wait just a moment—I'm being told the president is about to address the nation. Let's go live to the White House.

  POTUS: My fellow Americans, we are witnessing extra-ordinary events across the nation. There are reports of citizens simply vanishing into thin air, of four massive creatures on horses galloping across the plains of Texas. It's unclear what is behind these disappearances, but you can rest easy knowing that the top minds in my government are on top of this. My team is fired up and ready to go. So far, most of the disappearances have occurred in the South and Midwest. Most of our major cities—Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, and New York—appear to be largely unscathed. At this point I believe it is prudent to stay home, listen to the instructions of your local authorities, and find solace with a politically correct, government-sanctioned deity. Thank you and may the aforementioned politically correct, government-sanctioned deity bless America.

  Wolf Blitzed: I believe we now have a reporter set to go live from Times Square. Do we have the shot? Excellent. Let's go live to Times Square and reporter Todd Starnes.

  Wolf Blitzed: Todd?

  Wolf Blitzed: Todd?

  Wolf Blitzed: Todd?

  Notes

  Introduction

  1. Mayhill Fowler, "Obama: No Surprise That Hard-Pressed Pennsylvanians Turn Bitter," The Huffington Post, (April 11, 2008), http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mayhill-fowler/obama-no-surprise-that-ha_b_96188.html.

  2. Toby Keith, "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," Dreamworks Nashville, 2001.

  3. Quote from Gone with the Wind, Selznick International Pictures, Warner Brothers, 1939.

  4. Alexander Slidell Mackenzie, Life of Stephen Decatur: A Commodore in the Navy of the United States (Boston, MA: 1846), 295.

  5. Lee Greenwood "Proud to Be An American", MCA, Nashville, 1984.

  Chapter 1

  1. Michael Lind, "America Is not a Christian Nation" (April 14, 2009), Dispatches from DC, http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/feature/2009/04/14/christian_nation.

  Chapter 4

  1. Jim Garamone, "Officials Reject Allegations of Proselytizing in Afghanistan" (May 5, 2009) http://www.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123147725.

  2. Ashish Kumar Sen, "Koran Protest Stokes Emotions," The Washington Times (September 7, 2010), http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/sep/7/petraeus-koran-burning-could-endanger-troops.

  3. Matthew Lee, "Clinton, Gates Denounce Planned Koran Burning," The Washington Times (September 8, 2010), http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/sep/8/clinton-gates-denounce-planned-koran-burning.

  4. Chad Groening, "Holy Book Burnings Spark Hypocrisy," One News Now (September 9, 2010), http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=1160612.

  Chapter 5

  1. Andrea Stone, "Congress Urged to Drop Evangelist from Event," AOL News (April 26, 2010), http://www.aolnews.com/2010/04/26/muslim-group-wants-graham-booted-from-prayer-event.

  Chapter 7

  1. Sasha Johnson and Candy Crowley, "Winfrey Tells Iowa Crowd: Barack Obama Is 'the One," CNNPolitics (December 8, 2007), http://articles.cnn.com/2007-12-08/politics/oprah.obama_1_gayle-king-barack-obama-oprah-winfrey?_s=PM:POLITICS.

  2. Geoff Mulvihill Scrutiny rises over NJ kids singing Obama song, Burlington County Times (September 25, 2009), http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9AUGK080&show_article=1.

  3. Kyle Hill Bryan Glover, "When You're Holding a Hammer, Everything Looks like a Nail," (2010).

  Chapter 9

  1. "Snowpocalypse to Snowicane: Hype Reigns," Associated Press (February 28, 2010), http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35627330/ns/weather/t/snowpocalypse-snowicane-hype-reigns.

  2. "Energy Crisis Threatens U.S. Survival, Gore Says," Associated Press (July 17, 2008), http://articles.cnn.com/2008-07-17/politics/gore.energy_1_read-gore-carbon-free-carbon-dioxide?_s=PM:POLITICS.

  3. Albert Gore, An Inconvenient Truth: the Planetary Emergency of Global Warming and What We Can Do about It (New York: Rodale, 2006).

  Chapter 10

  1. Sheryl Gay Stolberg, "The Spotlight's Bright Glare", The New York Times (December 4, 2009), http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/06/fashion/06desiree.html.

  2. See http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2009/12/07/eric-metaxas-white-house-creche-jesus-christmas.

  3. "Simon Doonan," The New York Times (January 10, 2011), http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/d/simon_doonan/index.html?s=oldest&.

  4. Colby Hall, "Andrew Breitbart and WH Designer Simon Doonan Spar Over 'Tinselgate,'" Mediaite (January 6, 2010), http://www.mediaite.com/online/andrew-breitbart-and-white-house-designer-simon-doonan-spar-over-ornamentgate.

  Chapter 12

  1. Todd Starnes, "Cop Orders Kids to Stop Praying at Supreme Court," FOX News (July 15, 2010), http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/07/15/students-ordered-stop-praying-outside-supreme-court-building.

  Chapter 14

  1. "TIME Poll Results: Americans' Views on the Campaign, Religion and the Mosque Controversy," TIME magazine (August 18, 2010), http://www.time
.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,2011680-1,00.html.

  2. "Growing Number of Americans Say Obama Is a Muslim," Pew Research Center Publications (August 19, 2010), http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1701/poll-obama-muslim-christian-church-out-of-politics-political-leaders-religious.

  3. Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream (New York: Crown, 2006).

  4. Brian Ross, "Obama's Pastor: God Damn America, U.S. to Blame for 9/11," ABC News via The New York Time (March 13, 2008), http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/DemocraticDebate/story?id=4443788&page=1.

  5. Nicholas D. Kristof, "The Push to 'Otherize' Obama," The New York Times (September 20, 2008), http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/opinion/21kristof.html.

  6. "Obama Drops 'Creator' from Declaration quote," WorldNetDaily (September 18, 2010), http://www.wnd.com/?pageId=204973.

  7. "Obama Administration Opposes FDR Prayer at WWII Memorial," FOX News (November 4, 2011), http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/11/04/obama-administration-opposes-fdr-prayer-at-wwii-memorial.

  8. Nicholas Ballasy Edwin Mora, "After Covering Up Symbol for Jesus at Georgetown, White House Had Obama Speak in Front of Symbols for AMA, AARP, and Human Rights Campaign," CNS News (December 16, 2009), http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/58661.

  Chapter 15

  1. Rita Savard, "Parents: Chelmsford School Holding Firm on Holiday Gift-shop Restrictions," Lowell Sun, (November 14, 2009).

  2. Jennifer Riley, "Parents Take Action Against Christmas Restrictions in Schools," The Christian Post (December 10, 2009), http://www.christianpost.com/news/parents-take-action-against-christmas-restrictions-in-schools-42226.

  3. Todd Starnes, "Second Graders Sing About Allah?" FOX News via The Indianapolis Star (December 14, 2009), http://radio.foxnews.com/2009/12/14/public-school-kids-singing-to-allah.