You, Me and Him

by Alice Peterson

  ‘Do I? When I need him, he’s not here.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Seeing as you’re so psychic, have I held on to the right person?’

  She’s silent. Finally, ‘You’re joking? Clarky?’

  ‘I’m confused. Clarky supports me. He’s always there for me.’

  Tiana can’t listen. ‘That doesn’t mean you love him, J.’

  ‘It’s probably nothing,’ I say.

  ‘Too right it’s nothing. Honestly, Josie! You’re just feeling lonely. Finn’s away and you spent a lovely afternoon with Clarky and then he was the one who saved the day with George at school. It makes your mind play games. You start to think you’ll have a better life with that person, you can skip off into the sunset with them and leave all your problems behind. You and Clarky have a huge amount of history, but that’s all it is, isn’t it? He’s happy now, Josie. I’ve seen him with Aggie and they are perfect together, don’t ruin it for him.’

  ‘That’s the last thing I want to do.’

  ‘He’s finally got you out of his system.’

  ‘You’ve spoken to him about it?’

  ‘Come on, you know you’ve always been his Achilles heel. Besides, can you honestly imagine your life without Finn?’

  ‘No, but something’s got to change.’

  ‘Whatever Finn’s faults,’ she says, ‘his heart is true to you. If I had a Finn in my life, believe me, I’d never let him go.’

  ‘I wish you’d meet someone, Wise Owl.’

  ‘I think I have,’ she confesses quietly.

  ‘What? Who?’

  ‘Christo.’

  ‘NO!’

  Normally she would have laughed but I think she’s cross with me for even having these feelings for Clarky. I shouldn’t have said anything.

  ‘J, I’m glad you told me,’ she says as if she can read my mind, ‘but this has got to stop. It’s fatal thinking the grass is greener because it never is. Talk to Finn, tell him he needs to pamper you more, make you feel special.’

  ‘I don’t have time for pampering!’ I say, exasperated. ‘That’s not what it’s about. It’s George. I need Finn to take more responsibility, take more of the load off me. I can’t do it all on my own. I’m unhappy, Tiana.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she says more softly, ‘but you need to talk to Finn about this, not start fantasising about someone else, especially not Clarky.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me? About Christo?’ I need to change the subject.

  ‘I was going to. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months …’

  ‘A few months?’ I exclaim incredulously.

  For a moment her voice returns to its normal happy tone. ‘I’ve been longing to tell you but Christo made me promise not to. He didn’t even want to tell Finn. We wanted to keep it quiet until we knew for sure. We were seeing each other at your dinner party.’

  ‘I thought you left early! You are such a dark horse, but I’m so happy for you.’

  ‘I’m happy for me too. It’s weird falling for such a close friend,’ she says without even thinking what she’s saying. ‘It could have been so wrong but it feels right. All I ask myself is, why on earth didn’t we do it before?’

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  I am in the bedroom trying to work out what I have to buy for the baby. She’ll need a new cot mattress and car seat. The one we had for George is out of date and wouldn’t pass today’s safety standards. Finn returns home from his conference this evening but I’m surprised when I hear him shout, ‘Josie!’

  I rush out on to the landing. ‘Hello. What’s going on? Why’s George …’

  ‘He could have been run over on that road! Or picked up by some nutter.’

  ‘But George had a lesson with Mr Phipps.’

  ‘That’s tomorrow, Mum.’ He appears and flings his Thomas the Tank Engine rucksack over the banisters.

  ‘No, it isn’t. It’s today.’

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Josie, it was not today. What would have happened if I hadn’t seen him on the road? It’s lucky I was driving back from the airport.’

  ‘It was today!’ Then I am remembering flashes of a conversation. Mr Phipps switching days around. He had called me at Ruby’s office. ‘Are you OK, George?’ My stomach feels as if it’s been wrenched upside down, I’m thinking of all the danger I could have put my son in.

  ‘Yes, Mummy, I’m fine. Where’s Rocky?’

  ‘He’s OK now, but he shot across the road when he saw me, nearly got run over.’

  ‘All right!’ I screech, like a car braking. ‘I get it. I made a mistake. Stop shouting at me, please.’

  ‘You can’t afford to make a mistake like this. You can miss a deadline, you can miss a hair appointment or a Pilates class, but you do not …’

  ‘Don’t patronise me! I didn’t do it on purpose.’ I walk back into our bedroom and sit down. The bed is covered in old baby clothes and blankets and things I had packed away in a suitcase years ago, thinking I’d never see them again. Finn follows me. ‘If you’re so perfect, you can look after George. I’m sick of doing everything!’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Exactly how it sounds, Finn. I do all the day-to-day stuff with George. “I’ll play football with you, darling. I’ll take you shopping. I’ll take you swimming. I’ll take you to the doctor’s. I’ll go to parents’ evening. I’ll cook your supper.” I do everything!’

  I can’t even look at my husband. ‘When was the last time you bought me flowers? When was the last time you took me out to dinner? You’re happy to go out with Alessia but not your own pregnant wife. Oh, NO!’

  Finn looks like he has won now. He walks over to the window. ‘If you’re going to start being jealous of a work colleague then I’m not even going to listen to this rubbish.’

  I wish he’d stop using that expression ‘work colleague’.

  ‘I don’t feel like your wife, I feel like a donkey.’

  Finn laughs. ‘This is about George, not you and me.’

  ‘George is about us,’ I scream at him.

  ‘Well, it was lucky I saved our son’s life then.’

  ‘You might be treated like a god in that hospital, but it ends there. Is this what it’s going to be like when the baby’s born? Am I going to do everything all over again? Give my own life up?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I gave up that job in Paris for you, because I was pregnant.’

  Finn looks tired of this argument.

  ‘It was an amazing opportunity for me.’ I need to deal with this resentment that’s still lodged deep in my subconscious. ‘I gave up work when George was born.’

  ‘Isn’t that what mothers do? Look after their children? Most people see it as a privilege.’

  ‘You’re just like your father. For once I see Gwen’s point of view. She was miserable too, your dad working like a maniac, never around, stuck in that big lonely house.’

  ‘No one’s forcing you to stay.’

  ‘I love you most of the time, Finn, but sometimes I hate you.’

  He doesn’t look up at me. ‘What is it Granny says? Only very boring people look and behave the same way all the time.’

  ‘She would know. I was desperately unhappy, Finn, day in, day out, with a screaming George and post-natal depression, but nothing changed in your life, did it?’ I open a drawer and slam it shut again. ‘What have you ever given up for me? I can’t even get you to commit to an antenatal class!’

  Finn sits on a corner of the bed. ‘I couldn’t miss the conference,’ he tells me again. ‘I never pushed you into having this baby. I have been nothing but patient.’

  George runs into the room and out again but Finn and I are too involved in each other to see how upset he is to hear us shouting.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Finn asks me.

  I start to throw clothes into the case.

  ‘Going someplace nice?’

  ‘Anywhere would be an improvement on her
e.’

  ‘How long are you going for?’

  ‘Don’t know.’

  ‘You’re not really going, are you?’ He is beginning to sound nervous. The phone rings. ‘I’ll take it, shall I?’ I say when Finn makes no attempt to pick it up.

  It’s Granny. ‘You must be fat by now?’

  ‘I’m pregnant, not fat.’

  ‘Same thing,’ she cackles. ‘How’s my lovely grandson?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘And my bird of paradise? Is my boy looking after you properly?’

  ‘No, Granny, he’s not. I have to go, something’s in the oven.’

  She starts to roar with laughter. ‘Something in the oven, my foot! You never were a good liar, Josie Greenwood. What’s wrong? Hand over Finn.’

  I shove the phone his way. ‘Granny, I can’t talk now. And before you ask, I did buy you some twigs from duty free.’ He hangs up.

  I start walking downstairs with the case.

  ‘Look, can you stop this now?’

  ‘Stop what?’

  ‘Pretending you’re going.’

  ‘Who says I’m pretending?’

  ‘Let’s calm down, OK?’

  ‘Too late for that. You’ve said quite enough, thanks. I’m a terrible mother who nearly had her son killed out there on the road, so over to you now, Finn. Good luck.’

  ‘Oh, come on, J, you’re eight months pregnant. You can’t leave.’

  I don’t say anything.

  ‘What am I going to do?’

  ‘You’ll work it out.’

  ‘Let me guess. Off you run to Clarky when the going gets tough. I don’t know why you didn’t marry him instead.’

  I laugh mockingly. ‘That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all night.’ I open the front door, moving Finn’s suitcase out of the way.

  He shuts it and stands in front of me. ‘Please, Josie, don’t do this. It was the shock of seeing George, that’s all. It won’t happen again.’

  ‘But it will.’

  ‘It won’t,’ he promises.

  ‘You always do this! It’s too late.’

  ‘Josie, I love you, don’t go.’

  ‘Throw in “I love you” and everything’s OK? You’re only saying it to save your own skin.’

  George comes downstairs clutching Baby and a Lego box under one arm, and pulling his Thomas the Tank Engine duvet behind him with the other hand. His Lego slips from his grasp and pieces start to fall downstairs. ‘I’m ready, Mum, but I can’t find my book on the planets.’

  ‘George needs you. You can’t leave.’ Finn thinks this is his best chance of my staying. ‘I am sorry.’

  I can feel tears in my eyes.

  George places his duvet and Lego in front of me. ‘I’m just going to get my homework books and my PE stuff,’ he says earnestly, before running upstairs and tripping up on the way. ‘And my goggles,’ he calls out. He is still holding Baby. I can hear him turning his room upside down, looking for all the things that create a safe world around him.

  If I don’t go now, I never will. I push Finn’s arm away and finally he allows me to open the door.

  ‘Josie,’ he says more gently, ‘don’t go.’ He is watching me walk away. I can’t turn around. I can’t go through with it if I see George again. I’ll have to take him with me, and I can’t. Not tonight.

  ‘Please, Josie.’

  ‘Mum! Wait for me!’ George cries out. Now that he has heard the door shut there is panic in his voice.

  But I keep on walking.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  ‘What’s happened? Josie?’ I had been banging on Clarky’s door. When he opened it I rushed in, out of breath and talking so fast he couldn’t keep up with me. ‘I’ve left him … left him …’ I was saying. I had to gasp for air. ‘Didn’t pick George up from school … got days mixed up … Finn went mad. I can’t cope … can’t cope.’ I stop. ‘Oh, God, I’m sorry.’ The table is laid for supper. There are candles and the room is dark, lit by a couple of dimmer lights. I can smell curry coming from the kitchen.

  ‘Is Aggie coming over? I’d better go,’ I say, but make no attempt to move. I can’t even feel my feet.

  ‘Shh, it’s OK.’ He leads me to the sofa and I tell him again what happened. My mobile rings. It’s Finn.

  ‘Is George OK?’

  ‘No, he wants his mum.’

  ‘Tell him I’ll see him tomorrow.’

  ‘So, you’re coming home then?’

  ‘No. You’ll have to take George to school.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You have to.’

  ‘This is ridiculous. I can’t be late for the hospital. My ward round starts at eighty-thirty.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  Finn is in shock. For once he has full responsibility for George. Good.

  ‘When will you come home?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘So you’re staying with Clarky?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘J, I deserve this, I understand that. I’m so, so sorry about tonight, you have to believe me, but please come home. We’ll work this out … I’ll …’

  I’m about to cry again. ‘Tell George I love him.’

  ‘Josie, wait!’

  I hang up. ‘Honestly, it’s such a mess.’

  Clarky is holding me close when Aggie walks into the room wearing a bright pink coat that clashes with her hair. She’s holding a stripy umbrella. ‘It’s so wet … oh, hello.’

  We spring apart like an adulterous couple. Clarky walks over to her and they kiss quickly on the cheek. ‘Hi, Josie. What’s going on?’ asks Aggie.

  ‘She’s had a bad argument with Finn. I said she could stay. You don’t mind, do you?’

  ‘Oh, right.’

  I want to disappear. I shouldn’t have come. She shakes her hair loose from its ponytail. ‘Shouldn’t you be talking to Finn, not Clarky? You’re eight months pregnant. This stress can’t be doing you any good, and what if your waters break tonight? Hot spicy food brings on a baby, doesn’t it?’ She looks at my enormous bump.

  ‘Aggie, can we talk?’ Clarky pulls at her arm and leads her out into the hallway.

  ‘I arranged a babysitter for El tonight, I thought we were going to talk about our plans?’

  ‘I know, but look at her. She needs someone.’

  ‘I understand that, but why does it always have to be you?’ she asks in a hoarse whisper. ‘What about Tiana, or someone else?’

  ‘That’s not fair. We’re like family to each other, that’s all.’

  ‘Family! How long are you going to pull that one off? I really like Josie, she’s my friend, but this is exactly why I get so funny about you two.’

  ‘Why are you making me feel as if I’m betraying you? We’re old friends, how many times do I have to tell you? I will not let her down,’ Clarky says with finality.

  ‘Well, then, I’m going,’ Aggie states.

  ‘Why can’t we all have supper together?’ he insists. ‘I’ve made plenty of curry. I don’t want you to go but we have all the time in the world to talk about our future. She needs me right now. Don’t make a scene, please.’

  ‘Me not make a scene? What about Josie! She’s eight months pregnant, what the fuck’s she playing at? Now’s no time to be falling out with her husband or leaving herself with no roof over her head. She can’t always rely on you. This was our night!’

  ‘What are you doing?’ they both snap at me as I walk past.

  ‘You’re right, Aggie. What am I doing? I can’t always rely on Clarky. I’m sorry.’ I’m struggling with my case and trying to unlock the door.

  I feel a hand on mine. ‘You’re in no fit state to leave,’ he says.

  Aggie stands with her arms firmly crossed, still dressed in her long bright pink coat.

  ‘I’m going,’ I tell Clarky. ‘I’m sorry I barged in, Aggie.’

  ‘It’s all right. You can stay if you want,’ she adds reluctantly.

  ‘
I would never have come if I’d known you’d planned something.’

  She’s tapping one foot against the carpet. ‘Sorry for getting so arsey.’ Aggie’s tone has finally softened, like rock-hard butter beginning to melt.

  ‘Look, I’m going home, I’ll be fine,’ I assure Clarky. ‘Aggie’s right. I need to sort this out with Finn.’

  ‘OK, but I’m calling you a cab,’ he says.

  *

  I get into the taxi. Clarky kisses me goodbye. ‘I’m sorry about Aggie.’

  ‘Don’t be. Go and make it up to her. She’s only just met you, it’s natural she wants to spend time with you.’ I smile, holding back the tears. We look at one another. What do I want from him? Is it possible to love two people? Don’t cross the friendship line. Yet the line is so blurred I can’t even see it anymore.

  ‘Go and enjoy your curry. Don’t wait out here, it’s raining.’ He closes the cab door with a slam. I wave goodbye to him. I have to let him go. I have no right to be holding on so tightly.

  ‘Where are you going, love?’ The driver revs up the engine.

  ‘Anywhere you want,’ I say, looking out of the window, tears now flowing down my face. He gives me a strange look before I tell him to take me home.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  ‘I can’t leave, Mum. I could have the baby any day now. It could be a week, or three, or it could be tomorrow. Or today. All I want to do is come home, see you and Dad, but I can’t. I’m stuck.’

  ‘Have you got everything ready for the hospital?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, you have to stay put. You can’t take any risks at this stage.’

  ‘I know.’ I twist the telephone cord tightly. ‘I wish I could leave Finn but he has to work. He can’t look after George, and if I did leave, I don’t know what he’d do. I have to do what’s best for my son and he can’t take time off school anyhow. But Finn made me so cross, Mum.’

  I tell her about our screaming match and she listens quietly, taking it all in. I don’t tell her about the complication with Clarky. Am I in love with him? I can hardly look Aggie in the eye when we pick our children up from school. I told her how sorry I was about the other night and brought flowers as a peace offering; tulips which I know are her favourite. She’s been quiet, pretending that she has to get home to finish her cooking. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, let alone Aggie who has already been let down in the past. I need to get a grip on my life. This has gone too far.