by Amy Cecil
I take a good look at Emma, and for the first time, I notice she looks a little run-down. I’m sure she’s just tired. As much as I hate that she is pregnant with Ice’s kid, I hope she and the baby are okay.
I stop. It’s time to face the truth. I really don’t hate that she is pregnant with Ice’s baby. They are definitely meant to be together, and Ice with me was nothing but a fantasy for me. He never looked at me the way he looks at her. You can see the love he has for her radiating from him.
“How are you feeling?” I ask as we walk into the kitchen.
She sighs. “I have good days and bad days. I feel tired all the time, and fat.” She laughs, and I join her.
“You’re about due, aren’t you?” I can’t remember if she’s almost ready or if she’s still got time left.
She smiles but rolls her eyes. “Still seven weeks to go.”
I nod, hoping she keeps the conversation going. I miss the days when we used to be friends. I guess in her mind, we still are friends, but I’ve been so distant and angry with her. Sometimes I can’t even remember why.
“I’ve got pretty much everything done, but if you could make a salad, that would be a big help. It’s really hard for me to stand in one place and cut up all the veggies.”
I walk over to the fridge and open it. “Of course I can,” I say as I pull lettuce and veggies out. I grab a bowl from the cabinet and take everything to the table where Emma is sitting. I sit in the chair and start cutting.
Emma looks at me curiously. “I never thought to sit down at the table while doing that.” She chuckles. “Just goes to show you that pregnant brain is a real thing.” She hesitates, and things begin to get awkward between us. Then she says, “You know, Honey. I’m here if you need me. I know we’ve been at odds lately, but I still consider you my friend, and I love you.”
I really can’t speak to her right now, so I nod.
“You don’t have to talk about it now. I understand, but I just want you to know you are not alone.”
I can’t help the tears that well in my eyes. Fuck! I hate it when I look weak. I nod again, and silence falls between us. I really need to make amends with her, and this is the perfect opportunity. But fuck, I’m having a hard time getting the words out. Why is it so hard to tell her I am sorry? Why do I hate her? Why do I still wish things were the way they used to be before she came back into Ice’s life? I’ve got so much shit to work through. Not five minutes ago, I was feeling that all this hatred was a waste, but now I’m back to hating her again.
About fifteen minutes later, the salad is made. I get up from the chair, pull the plates and silverware out, and set everything up on the table. Just as I turn back toward the cabinet to get more plates, Emma makes a surprised sound. I quickly turn back, and she has her hand on her belly, and she is smiling. The baby kicked.
She looks up at me and asks, “Wanna feel?”
At first I want to say hell no, but something inside me is drawn to the baby. I do wanna feel him or her kick. I nod and walk toward her. She takes my hand and places it on the spot, and I feel it. It is the most amazing feeling, and I can’t help the tears. But these are happy tears. I look up at Emma, and all the hatred and jealousy I have been feeling toward her disappears.
Sainte and Ice walk in, and Ice rushes to Emma. She has tears too, so he asks, “What’s wrong?”
She smiles. “He kicked.” He? Do they know? Did I miss that? Was I so wrapped up in myself that I totally missed it?
I stand to allow Ice to feel his child, and Emma does the same with him as she did with me, taking his hand and placing it on her belly. He holds his hand there a few seconds and then he gets the biggest smile on his face. I see pure joy emanate from both of them, and I realize for the hundredth time, they are truly in love. They always have been.
“Holy fuck!” Ice says.
“Caden, he will hear you!” Emma scolds, and Sainte and I can’t help but laugh.
“He?” I ask.
Emma laughs. “We don’t know. I’m sure it’s a boy, and Cade is convinced it’s a girl. He was sure it was a boy at first, but then somewhere down the road, he changed his mind.”
“So you guys never did the gender thing?” I’m so out of touch with everyone. I’ve been so drowning in my own sorrows, I have not taken the time to even know what’s going on with my friends.
Emma shakes her head. “Nope, we didn’t want to know.” She turns back toward Ice who is still resting his hand on her belly.
Suddenly I feel like an intruder. I turn toward Sainte, and he nods. I don’t even have to tell him; he gets it. We both quietly leave the room.
Once we’re out of the kitchen, Sainte grabs my hand and says, “We need to talk about tomorrow.” He pulls me toward the stairs, not giving me a chance to respond. We head upstairs and straight to my room. My jail.
“Sainte, what’s going on?” I ask as I walk into my room. He follows behind and sits on the bed. He pats the space next to him.
“Sit,” he says, and even though I prefer to stand, the jump-how-high statement flashes in my brain. So I sit. “So how are you?” He asks.
I look at him oddly, then look away. “I’m fine, Sainte.” I thought we had to talk about tomorrow night.
He takes off his shoes and turns on the bed, bringing both legs up, and he sits cross-legged. What the fuck is going on? I think to myself.
He gestures for me to do the same, so I do. He takes both of my hands into his and asks again, “How are you, Honey? And this time when you answer, look me in the eye.”
I look up at him. “Not so good,” I reply honestly.
“Talk to me,” he says. “That’s what I’m here for.”
I smirk. “Oh really, and here I thought you were hanging around to make me crazy.”
He smiles. “Well yeah, that too.” He pauses, and his face turns serious. “Come on, Honey, talk.”
I release my hands from his. “Well, right now, I want a hit.” I look down at my hands folded in my lap. “But when we were at the spa, I didn’t think about it once. As soon as I got back here, I immediately wanted some coke.”
“Why do you think that is?” he asks, although I am sure he knows. He is just getting me to admit it.
“Hawk,” I whisper.
He nods.
“This place screams at me that he is not here. Hawk lived here, slept here. I saw him every day. I stand at the bar and just wait for him to come through the door.”
“But you know it’s not gonna happen.”
“I know, but I can’t help wishing for it.” My hands start to shake, and an urge to snort starts to take over.
He grabs my hands again. “Work through it, baby. You got this,” he says encouragingly. “Tell me how things are with you and Emma.”
“Getting better?” I say, a little unsure. “I’m trying, Sainte, really I am. Today when the baby kicked, I saw how much they love each other. I never really noticed it before. He’s never coming back to me.”
He shakes his head. “No, darlin’, he’s not.”
“And neither is Hawk.”
He shakes his head again.
“And I’m alone.” Before I can say any more, he places his finger onto my lips to silence me.
“That is where you are wrong. You have me and all the boys in this club, their old ladies, Emma, and you still have Ice. They all love you, and the sooner you realize it, the easier this addiction will be to beat. I promise. We’re all here to help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
“I didn’t ask for help, and I got stuck with you,” I say sarcastically.
“Admit it, you’re having fun, right?” he asks teasingly with a big, wide-ass grin on his face. I smile. I have to say, the asshole is growing on me.
“I guess,” I say reluctantly.
“What I’m trying to say about help is you don’t always have to get it from me. A perfect example would be earlier in the kitchen with Emma. She loves you, Honey, more than you realize. Don’t be afrai
d to talk to her. She may not have experienced what you are going through, but she will never let you down.”
As his words sink in, I think to myself, He is so right. I have never had a friend like Emma. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, you can ask me anything. I’m an open book.”
“When you first came here, you and Emma were inseparable. What was up with that?”
He laughs. “Well, Ice brought me here to watch over her, so she was my priority.”
I cock my head. “Nah, Sainte, it was more than you just being her bodyguard, or protector, or whatever the hell you all want to call it.”
He laughs again. “You really want to know?”
“Yes, the truth. Remember, no lies.”
He nods. “Yes, I remember. Well, a lot of that hanging around with Emma was to make you jealous. Emma is my cousin. She didn’t know it then, but she does now.”
Okay, now there is just too much information to process. First, he says he wanted to make me jealous, then says Emma is his cousin. Wait, what? “Your cousin?”
“Yeah, it’s a long story, but Ice and I go way back to when he was a kid. I spent a lot of time in juvie, and Emma was too young to remember me, so she didn’t know until Ice and I told her.”
“So you were a bad kid?”
He cocks his eyebrow. “Not a bad kid, a mischievous kid,” he says to clarify. “I pushed the limits. Sometimes I got away with it, other times I ended up paying for it.”
“And now you are a Mafia hit man.”
He holds his finger up. “Ah, ah, ah, not anymore. Now I am the SA of the Knights of Silence MC.”
I really don’t know what possesses me to do so, but I turn my body and lie my head on Sainte’s lap. “I’m so tired, Sainte.”
“I know, pet. Here.” He lifts me up. “Why don’t we lie down and take a short nap before dinner.” We get up from the bed, and he pulls down the covers. I crawl into bed and he follows. He holds out his arm, and without any hesitation, I turn toward him and curl into his embrace. There is something so peaceful in this, and I have no idea why, but frankly, I’m too tired to find out.
Chapter 15
Sainte
Honey and I have been at the clubhouse for the last twenty hours, and I see it is taking its toll on her. I have tried to keep her busy and her mind off the things that tug at her heart, but I can’t always make it go away. It’s a struggle for her to be here, and I totally get it, but she has been clean for sixty-eight hours and counting. I’m so proud of her.
Tonight is our appointment at Tranquil Gardens. When I spoke with Ice yesterday, I filled him in on our plans for the night. He sounded a little disappointed. I think he wanted to go in our place. But that wasn’t gonna happen with Emma being preggers. I chuckle at the thought. Not that they would have been able to join us anyway. They would have had to have an appointment. And frankly, I’m fucking glad they can’t. I want to experience this place with Honey alone.
I step out of the shower and towel off. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I step out into the bedroom. Honey is asleep on the bed. I stand there for a minute. She is curled up in the fetal position, and it makes her look so vulnerable. I know she is frail right now and having a hard time with things, but I can see she is a strong woman. She is a force to be reckoned with, and I can’t wait until she is completely mine. Because it will happen.
She stirs and turns toward me. “What time is it?”
“Almost ten,” I reply. “Maybe you should get up and start getting ready?”
She stretches and yawns. “Okay.” She slowly crawls out of bed, gets some clothes, and heads for the bathroom. At the door, she turns back toward me, a little more awake, and says, “Aren’t you gonna follow me in? Glued at the hip, remember?”
“I’m right here, darlin’, and I know the bathroom is clean. I trust ya.” I wink, and she scurries into the bathroom. I do trust her, but I also know there is nothing in there that could help her acquire more coke.
But there is something in there she could use to hurt herself. Holy fuck, I didn’t think!
I rush to the bathroom and throw open the door. She’s naked and stepping into the shower. I grab my razor from the sink.
She looks at me angrily. “Really, Sainte? You think that low of me?” She sounds so hurt that I would think she would do something harmful. I feel like an ass. Damn!
“Honey, I’m sorry.” I could lie to her, but it would defeat the whole thing we have going on here. “It’s not that I think you would, but I don’t want to enable you if you were headed that way.”
She turns into the shower. “Yeah, whatever.” She steps inside and pops her head out. “Will you just go and let me take a shower in peace please?”
I nod and step out the door. Well, I totally fucked that up. And everything was going so well. Now I basically told her I didn’t trust her.
I let her finish in private and make my way downstairs. Perhaps leaving her alone will show her I really do trust her. I just don’t want her to hurt herself in a moment of weakness. Oh, fuck it to hell. She will understand eventually.
I walk up to the bar and take the seat next to Rebel. “How’s it going, VP?” I ask.
“Good. Ari is coming home tomorrow. She will be on break for a week. Looking forward to that.”
“She driving?” Scratch pours me a bourbon. It’s nice that these prospects are getting used to me. They don’t have to ask me what I’ll have anymore.
He shakes his head. “Nope, gonna pick her up in the morning.”
I pat him on the back. “That’s cool, man. It will be good to see her again.”
“Yeah, she’s been so wrapped up with exams that I’ve hardly talked to her.”
Just then, Ice walks up. “Hey, you going to the spa thing tonight?”
“Yeah,” I reply.
He looks at me. “Be careful. I don’t know what they got going on there, but I have a feeling it may not be totally safe.”
“I got this. Trust me.”
He nods. “I do.” Scratch places a shot of Maker’s in front of Ice. He holds up the shot. “Good luck tonight,” he says and downs it, then slams the glass on the bar.
My back is to the stairs, so I don’t see Honey come down, but the boys watching TV and shooting pool each let out a whistle. I turn to see her walking toward me. She is standing tall and proud, and she looks radiant. It’s the first time I have seen some color in her face since she started detoxing. She walks up to me and says, “Ready?”
My mouth is still hanging open. “You look fucking beautiful,” I say. She has her hair straightened, and instead of wearing her normal “biker” wear, she has on an unholy pair of jeans, heels, and a silk blouse.
She smiles. “Thank you,” she says demurely.
Both Ice and Rebel also comment on how nice she looks, making her blush. So who was she out to impress? Me or Ice? I wonder. But I don’t let it get to me. I’m the lucky asshole who’s going out with her, and I have a sneaking suspicion that we are going to a sex club of some sort. Fuck them. They can eat their hearts out.
“Come on, beautiful. Let’s go.” I hold out my arm, and she takes it with a smile. We walk out of the clubhouse together and head straight for my bike.
“You gonna be okay in those heels on the bike?” I ask.
She smiles, reaching into her bag. “I came prepared,” she says as she pulls out a pair of tennis shoes. She quickly changes and hops on the bike. I rev the engine and we’re off. She leans in close and wraps her arms around me as we cruise through the gates and onto the main road.
As we hit Highway 99, I realize there is no other woman I want on the back of my bike. At first, this thing with Honey was a sexual thing. I just wanted to get in her pants, but now that I have, I find I still want to be with her. She’s a fighter, and she’s going to beat this addiction. She wants to love so badly, but she is terrified of getting hurt. She’s hard yet soft. She’d do anything for her boys; she’s fiercely loyal. And
although I swore I would never go there, I’m in love with her. Fuck, leave it to me to complicate things.
We get to the spa or whatever this place is, and I park my bike. It’s dark, and it appears the place is closed. After we dismount, we take off our helmets, and Honey swaps out her shoes. We walk to the front entrance. There is a sign on it: No Receptionist on Duty, Please Use Side Door, and there is an arrow pointing to the right.
I look at Honey. “You ready?”
She stands tall and pushes her shoulders back. “Yep,” she says as she takes my hand and we walk to the side door. We get to the side, and the alleyway is empty. I pull out the red key the receptionist gave me and place it in the lock of the door. The lock clicks. I look up at Honey, and she nods. I turn the knob and the door opens.
We step inside and are greeted by a woman, scantily dressed. “Welcome,” she says. “May I have your key please?”
I hand it to her. She looks down at the key and says, “Nick and Amanda Benson, we’re so happy to have you tonight.” She places it in a lock box on the podium she’s standing next to and says, “In order for you to remain this evening, you will need to purchase a membership to the club.”
“Why?” Honey asks.
“Well there is a fine line between what is legal and what isn’t in a club such as this. In the event of a challenge, we will be able to prove to law enforcement that this is a private organization.”
Honey nods.
“How much is a membership?” I ask.
“One hundred dollars,” she says, as if it’s nothing. I pull out my wallet and pull out two hundred-dollar bills and hand them to her.
She takes the money and hands me a fifty. “Ms. Benson is half price. If she were here alone, she’d be free.”
I take back the fifty, fill out the paper she hands me, and hand her back her pen.
“If you don’t mind me asking, I thought this was a spa or massage parlor?”
“It is, Nick. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Nick. We are not formal here, so everyone is on a first-name basis.”
