In the Desperation (Find You Book 1)

by Cait Forester

  Riley dropped a glass at the sink. “Sorry!” she yelped. “Just getting some water.” I looked worryingly in her direction, but she’d turned back to the tap.

  "We just want you to be on guard" Sarah said gently.

  I nodded. "Yeah." There was no doubt about that. I would be.

  Stepping inside Rose Cottage for the first time in eight years was a shock to my system. I stopped immediately inside the kitchen door, letting out an "oof!" as Dad ran into my back.

  Despite the intrusion of Jessup and Brett, the house looked just as I remembered it. The same dishes in the open shelves by the sink. The same refrigerator with the streak of blue paint down the side from an incident when I was four years old. I’d somehow managed to paint my penis blue, too, and had burst into tears because I thought it was going to fall off.

  The floor was just as I remembered it – the faded white and yellow checked linoleum. Our table. The chairs.

  The smells were different. But it was home.

  I set the bags I was carrying inside the door, wandering past the kitchen and into the living room, down the hall and up the stairs. My parents’ bedroom. The guest room. My bedroom. There had been small changes made, and I wasn't sure if it was the result of the intruders or the cleanup thereof, but it was close enough to my memories that I sank down onto the chair in my bedroom with a heavy sigh.

  Dad appeared in the doorway. "The girls said that some of the roses had died off, but most of them are still kicking. I guess the pack came out here once or twice a year to keep things at least a little presentable. You know, if we ever decided to come back."

  "What do you think?" I asked lightly. I couldn’t help but imagine Mam, calling us down for breakfast, or Gavin, striding up the stairs to take me to bed. I had to make a deliberate effort to force away the melancholy.

  Dad sighed. "It's not the same… but it's home, isn't it?"

  I grinned. It truly was.

  A few days after we settled in, Bran knocked at the door. Dad let him in with an easy smile and a friendly clapping of hands – in the way of alphas. Bran drew me into a hug, thanking me for watching out for his sisters while he was away.

  I shrugged. "I didn't do much. Honestly, they’re the ones who need thanking."

  “All the same,” Bran said.

  We settled down at the kitchen table, where I'd been making a grocery list and dad had been calling out helpful suggestions of food that he wanted me to cook. I was pretty sure that he'd subsisted on canned soup and basic sandwiches since I'd left the city. To clarify, this wasn't an alpha problem. It was all Dad.

  Bran settled back into his seat and looked at us expectantly. "Have you guys decided what you’re planning to do?"

  Dad shook his head. "When we discussed coming back in December, we thought that we would just stay for a few weeks, get the lay of the land before making any major decisions."

  "I can appreciate that," Bran said easily. He looked directly at me. "You know that you are blood pack. You are always going to be welcome here. This land is yours and no one would dare risk attempting to take it from you."

  I nodded.

  He turned his attention to my father. "Dad always spoke very highly of you," he started. "I know you didn't keep in touch as much as you would've liked, but I know that he valued your opinion very highly over the years.” He paused. “Jay is welcome here by right of blood, but you joined us through marriage. I want you to know that you are still welcome here as well. And quite frankly... I'd really like it if you stayed around.” He laughed, and there was not a little self-deprecation mixed in. “I wasn't prepared to take on this role as pack alpha. I’m not going to pretend I have half the skills that Dad did. Uncle Nash, it would mean a lot to me if you joined my council."

  Dad and I looked at each other. Bran’s invitation was a good thing, undoubtedly, but…

  "It's something we're going to need to think about a little while longer," I said. “I know that if we leave, I'm definitely going to want to come back here more often. But I'm still not sure what I want to do about getting another degree, or finding work. And then with everything that’s happened recently…” My voice trailed off.

  Bran’s face softened. "Take as long as you need," he said. "But know that we’re family, too. We're going to have your back."

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Run run run!

  I bolted to the bathroom, but every movement seemed to make the gorge rise higher in my throat.

  Ugh.

  Couldn’t I catch a break?

  I’d never had a delicate constitution. Most wolves were pretty hardy, and our susceptibility to infections was extremely low. We were prone to stress, however, and after the few weeks that I’d had, it made sense that my body was suddenly on overload. I had a vague memory of Dad conking out due to stress after Mam died, too, so it wasn’t like I was particularly special in that regard.

  I finished hacking up shortly, wrinkling my nose in distaste I started to filter in the scent of the toothpaste as I spread it along the brush. Mint was supposed to be good for settling the stomach, wasn’t it? I’d had a human friend who made mint tea every time their digestive system went a little sideways. But it just made mine roil unpleasantly again.

  Here goes nothing. At least it tasted better than vomit.

  I finished my morning ablutions quickly, avoiding my pale, wan face in the mirror. When I went out into the living room, Dad was already up, and he offered me a cup of hot hibiscus tea and a stack of toast.

  “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled.

  That had worked the last couple of mornings, but this time, Dad raised his eyebrows and glared.

  “Fine.” I snicked out one of my claws and grabbed it that way, the toast dangling from my finger as I took an unhappy bite.

  Dad had the nerve to laugh at me.

  Rude.

  “It’ll settle your stomach,” he offered helpfully. “Your Mam practically lived on toast and steak when she was pregnant with you.”

  I stopped mid bite, but that felt awkward, so I swallowed the remains of the toast and winced as it scraped dry down my throat before setting down the rest of the slice.

  “I’m not pregnant,” I said.

  “Are you sure?” Dad countered.

  I drank the rest of my tea. No. I wasn’t sure. But I was bitter. Honestly, even despite the mating heat, I didn’t believe that I’d be blessed with a child when the Moon Mother had just taken back my mate from me.

  “I’m not pregnant,” I said again, but this time my voice was sharp.

  Dad raised an eyebrow. “You just went through a heat, and now you’ve been sick for a week and a half,” he said.

  “Stress,” I countered.

  “You’ve never had a problem handling stress before,” Dad said.

  “I’ve never been widowed before, either.”

  Dad inhaled heavily. “Will you just do a test?” he asked. “For my peace of mind?”

  I went completely still. The truth was that I was afraid. Not that I was pregnant - but that I wasn’t. I might not believe that I could be, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to be. If the Moon Mother had no intention of giving my mate back to me, I wanted a child that would have his hair, his eyes, his nature. But if I took a test and all it showed me was that I was overwrought, I thought I just might kill something.

  I could do it, too. Shift and go on a rampage against all the soft woodland creatures that would taste delicious in my stewpot.

  But Dad asked for so little from me. And we needed this information, really. Now, while things were still in upheaval and we were making plans. Not in a handful of weeks where it would become obvious when my scent changed and you could hear the heartbeat if you listened closely enough.

  “Alright,” I muttered. “I’ll take a test.”

  It turned out that Dad had already been prepared for my agreement. Not five minutes later there was a knock at the door, and Riley bustled in with a little white paper bag.

 
; I was grateful when she didn’t treat me any differently, though. She chucked the bag at my head and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. “Go pee!” she barked, but there was a smile at the corner of her mouth and her eyes were warm and supportive.

  “Yes, ma’am!” I saluted, but I admit to dragging my feet down the hall.

  The bathroom door clicked shut behind me. I set the bag on the vanity and leaned back against the cool, smooth wood of the door. Was I ready for this? Not hardly.

  I’d been in there for at least five minutes, just working up to it, when I heard Riley call out: “I don’t hear peeing!”

  “Hush!” And there was dad. “Give the boy a minute.”

  “He’s had five.”

  “That’s fair.”

  “Hold your horses!” I called back.

  Strangely enough, the byplay between them warmed me - and jolted me out of my reverie enough to unbox the test. Vaguely, I wondered what it would be like to be a human, with their dull senses. Certainly none of them would be able to tell whether or not I had already peed on a stick from across the house. But I was a wolf. And as a wolf, I suddenly knew that whatever the test revealed, I was going to be okay.

  Dad and Riley were both standing up in the living room when I returned, clutching the little wand like a lifeline.

  “What does it say?” Riley demanded. I handed the test over.

  Two pink lines.

  “Oh my god, you’re pregnant!” she screeched, and then Dad was folding me into his arms and I was clinging to him like I never planned to let go.

  “Your Mam would be so proud of you,” he said brokenly. Dimly, I noted Riley creeping out the front door as I squeezed him tighter.

  “You think so?” I asked.

  “I know she would, son. And so am I.”

  I couldn’t help it. My eyes started to prick and fill with tears. It was so overwhelming. And… Gavin wasn’t there. Dad must have picked up on what I was thinking, because he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

  “You’re going to get him back, Jay,” Dad said. “And even after you do, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

  Pregnant.

  This changed everything.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Before I’d taken the test, we’d made the decision to leave the territory after things quieted down. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to stay, necessarily - it was just that with so much upheaval, returning to our quiet life in the city would provide a chance for some normalcy. I still needed to think through what I wanted to do long term - whether I wanted to go back to school for further degrees or look for work.

  Or settle in at Rose Cottage, like I talked about with Gavin. I usually pushed that last thought away.

  Finding out that I was going to have a pup changed all of that.

  I could go back to the city - but while human men were sometimes able to carry children if they had been designated female at birth, human men weren’t wolves. And pregnant wolves, male or female, tended to have periods of time where it was incredibly hard to hide their shift. The last thing we needed was to start some sort of witch hunt when someone saw me flashing claws or sprouting fur because my hormones had gone off the deep end.

  But that wasn’t the real reason we decided to stay in Montana.

  It was because of Jessup.

  He was the only one who hadn’t been rounded up in the aftermath of the fighting. Even his little friend Brett had been found and promptly deported back to a pack he’d wronged in southern California. But Jessup had managed to slink away without a trace, and even though his wounds had been pretty heavy, we were pretty sure he’d been healed up by now.

  And reports had come in from Lenny’s men and our pack’s omegas alike regarding his obsession with me.

  We might not have been close to the pack here - barring the recent trauma bonding with Sara and Riley - but we were infinitely closer to the wolves here than we were any of the packs in the city.

  So we formally accepted Bran’s offer to stay and had been taking stock of ourselves ever since.

  “Soup’s on!” I settled a plate of food down in front of Dad, who looked greedy at the prospect of chicken fried steak and green beans.

  When I set my own plate down across from his, though, he looked at me with wide, disbelieving eyes. “You ruined it!” he said.

  I grinned. So topping my meat with chocolate sauce and tabasco was an… unconventional choice. Still, I patted my stomach. “Baby’s hungry.”

  Dad snorted. “And yet it’s going to be going down your gullet.”

  I cut a piece off and popped it into my mouth with a groan. Hell yes. That was the stuff.

  Dad didn’t comment further. He had his own murmur of agreement when he took his own first bite. “So,” he said after he’d polished off half his dinner, “Are you still heading to town tomorrow?”

  I hadn’t been off pack lands for what felt like forever. And no wonder; I’d come up in January and March had wandered in two weeks back. Internet was slow in these parts, but I’d still been able to keep in touch with some friends from university, and when my buddies were coming out toward this way… ish... they’d let me know. I still wasn’t showing, so I’d jumped at the chance to meet up. “Yeah,” I said. “Need anything?”

  “Can you pick up a hammer? The old one cracked down the middle.”

  “No problem,” I said. “Thought you’d finished all the big projects you wanted to get to around here though…?”

  Dad colored lightly. “Stella mentioned a few things that needed work around her place,” he mumbled.

  I lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. There was a bit of an odd feeling in my gut - and not from the tiny flutters I associated with the pup. Stella was a widowed omega who had joined the pack while we were gone. I thought she laughed too loudly and her chocolate pie was a little too gritty. Still, Dad deserved to be happy, and I wasn’t about to cause a fuss about the way he chose to spend his time. “I won’t be back until evening,” I said.

  He shrugged. “We made plans for Friday. It’ll keep for tomorrow.”

  The conversation moved on. We chatted with ease about pack gossip and Dad’s looking for work. I told him that I’d heard some chatter that Otherwhere University was planning to roll out a hybrid Master’s in my field - most of it online and then a bit on campus - and that I’d formally accepted admission there, but deferred my start date for a year. That would give me some time to adjust to being a new parent. And hopefully, for learning to live with Gavin. Just a few months...

  But just before we parted ways for the evening, Dad pulled me aside. “Be careful tomorrow,” he said. “We still don’t know where Jessup went. There’s been some indications that he’s still in the area…”

  I felt myself tense. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “We don’t know for sure, and the markings aren’t fresh. Just - be on guard, okay? I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, I’m just worried.”

  I softened. “I’ll be careful,” I said. “Don’t worry.”

  I opened my eyes into a misty white field. The air around me felt insubstantial; I looked around in confusion.

  A touch to the back of my shoulder had me starting in surprise - but I knew that touch. “Gavin,” I breathed, turning around and launching myself into his arms.

  Holding him felt like holding onto fire. Heat and warmth - and not quite substantial. Even so, I could feel my cock begin to respond to his nearness. I frowned. “I’m dreaming.”

  He nuzzled at his mark on my neck, and a shiver ran down my spine, bringing my cock to full mast. “Yes,” he murmured. “I’m not back with you yet.”

  “But… you will be?” The vulnerability rang softly in my voice.

  “Of course I will,” he promised, pressing reassurances into my lips, my cheeks, my neck. I tilted my head to give him better access, reaching down to wrap my hand around him.

  “I’m pregnant,” I breathed out.

  Gavin ni
pped at my earlobe, curling his tongue around the shell of my ear. “I know,” he murmured, and moved one of his hands to my stomach, possessive. “It’s a boy. Our little omega.”

  It should have been awkward between us, but it wasn’t.

  His fingers slipped beneath the waistband of my tatty sweats, pulling them down until my ass and cock were exposed to the air. “Can I taste you?”

  “Fuck yes.”

  The ground was… soft. Or was it hard? I couldn’t really tell, but I could feel the heat of his mouth as he closed it around me. Guh. I’d barely touched myself since he left; my libido had vanished.