In the Desperation (Find You Book 1)

by Cait Forester

  I hit all the milestones. The first time Tierce kicked. The first time I couldn't sleep through the night because I had to pee. The first time that I became so sexually needy that I thought I was tripping into pseudo-heat. And through it all the echoing refrain – Gavin's not here.

  I made plans, limited though they were. I grew to know our land intimately, the rise and fall of each mound of dirt and nests of each pair of birds. Sara had begun to shy away from my company after Jessup’s attack; Riley and I only grew closer. It was what I imagined having a real sister might be like. Dad began to spend more and more time at Stella’s. I learned how to whittle. And the seasons turned, the abundance of summer ripening into the vibrant days of fall.

  All Hallows Eve. Samhain. The night when the veil was the thinnest between this world and the next. It was my goal for so long, to petition the Moon Mother in hopes that she would give Gavin back to me - for good - on this night. But when I finally made it to that red letter date, I found myself frozen in fear.

  That's how Riley found me, slumped down against the tractor shed, the small bump on my belly making it too difficult to sit in the emo, knees up position that I felt would suit my mood the best.

  "Scoot over," she said, and I looked at all the empty space around me with one eyebrow raised.

  "Sure," I said, sarcastically. "I'll get right on that."

  Riley laughed and sank down beside me. "Uncle Nash said you were feeling a bit low," she tried. "Do you want to talk about it?"

  I shook my head.

  She nudged my shoulder. "Too bad. Because I think talking about it would help you, so I'm not planning to leave until you start chatting or it's time to go."

  I needed to perform the ritual as closely as I could to when I performed it back in January. That meant that I needed to be alone for the actual ritual part, but with the threat of Jessup still hovering over my shoulder, I’d be taking an honor guard with me - my Dad, of course, and Bran, Riley, and Sara. They wouldn't be in the burial ground themselves, but they would be nearby, waiting for my success – or my failure.

  "You forgot one more option," I said.

  "What's that?"

  "I’m going to have to pee soon."

  Riley chuckled. "That sounds like a personal problem to me," she said.

  I grinned at her. "A pup bouncing on my bladder like a beach ball? Don't knock it till you try it, cuz." A pause, and I choked out the next words. "What if I fail?"

  Riley snorted. "I knew you were worried about that," she said. "Jay… You're not going to fail. I've seen you, you know? I don't think there's anyone alive who could think that you were any less devoted to Gavin for his being away, or any less devoted to the Moon Mother. We might not have priests or priestesses left, but damn if you wouldn’t make a good one."

  "Yeah." I leaned back. I knew that I was diligent, and I was devoted. I had managed to acquire multiple volumes of rituals and ceremonies, testaments to the worship of the goddess who had given us life and how we revered her in the old days. I had planned this new ritual down to the minute. I did my best to account for any variables, but in the end, that was all I had to give – my best. What if it wasn't enough?

  What if Gavin never came back?

  What if my child had to grow up without a father, and I had to face the world like my own dad did – mateless and adrift?

  "If she doesn't give him back," Riley said suddenly, "then you're still going to be the best damn mother that this pack has ever known. And yes, I'm including my own mam with that. You're going to have support, you know? Your dad would literally walk through fire for you... and don't tell him I told you anything, but he’s been hoarding little onesies that say World's Best Grandpa in his car."

  I grinned. I knew he was somewhere around. He might even be listening. We tried to give each other privacy, but if he was worried, I wouldn’t put it past him to eavesdrop. I leaned in and whispered loudly to her. "Don't tell him, but I found his stash a few weeks ago."

  Riley laughed. "The point is, no one's life is perfect. And would it suck if you didn't get him back? Hell yes it would. But I have faith in you, Jay. You're a badass. And no matter what happens tonight – whether he comes back forever or for a single day or not at all, I know that you're going to be okay."

  I wasn’t lying about the peeing thing. I had to go, but I didn’t want to get up. The camaraderie was enough for now. “Thanks, cuz,” I said, and she leaned in against my shoulder.

  “Jay?” she asked.

  “Yeah?”

  “I know you’re pretty distracted today, but do you think I could talk to you about something for a minute?”

  I wrapped my arm around her. “Of course.”

  “Do you think…” her voice was small, so unlike the confident, fearless omega who had just given me a pep talk. “I killed someone. It was during the Run. He’d come after me and I just… snapped. I wasn’t going down without a fight, and - and he didn’t expect that.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I’d suspected that something like that might have happened, but she’d never confirmed, and I hadn’t wanted to push.

  “Sara doesn’t realize what it’s like, I think,” she said, and even though she tried to make her voice light, it wavered. “I guess I don’t blame her. But I think she might judge me for it. I just wanted to tell you. I know that you… I know that you aren’t going to judge me.”

  Inside me, Tierce kicked. I pressed a kiss to Riley’s temple.

  “You did what you had to do,” I said. “And I’m glad you’re here because of it.”

  The ceremony would take place as close to the original time as possible, which is why they showed up to collect me around dusk. I wouldn't need to run the trails today – there was an access trail that we could navigate that ran less than a mile from where we needed to go.

  That was a good thing, too. I was feeling a few too many Braxton Hicks that day to be comfortable with a longer hike. As we alighted from the car, I barely waited as Bran coordinated positions for the rest of my honor guard. I was ready, a spicy feeling shivering over my skin and racing through my blood. It was time. I shifted, feeling the curiosity of my pup as he, too, shifted in the womb.

  I padded on confident paws to our burial grounds. There was no room within my wolf’s body for the complex sort of emotions that I felt as a human. It wasn't that I couldn't recognize them for what they were, only that things were sharper on four feet. They had more clarity.

  I paused before I entered the area, taking a moment to center myself. My worries about the ceremony began to fade away. I knew that Gavin would be back with me before the night was finished.

  I started the chant.

  “Great Moon Mother, hear me!

  I call to you as a babe cries for his mam in the night.”

  But I barely got out the first words before I felt my hackles begin to raise. Something’s wrong. I cast out my senses – there was nothing I could see, nothing I could scent. But my hearing...

  My heart beat. The baby's heart beat. All around me were the sounds of forest – the squeak of bats and the call of screech owls and the slightest patter of mice foraging across the forest floor. Further still and heartbeats – five other wolves.

  There should only have been four.

  It took me only a few seconds to make the connection, but those few seconds were enough for Jessup to take advantage of my stillness and shock.

  He charged me.

  I didn't have time to shift.

  His teeth cut open delicate human skin. My left hand, injured, became my left paw as I made the transition, and I backed up, snarling.

  Leave me alone!

  His eyes glinted cruelly in the night. Never!

  He gave me no quarter. I couldn't tell if he meant to kill me or rape me, but I wasn't about to lie still in surrender. But I was afraid. He was close - too close. I would be too slow to turn tail and run. I was too unpracticed to have particular skill in fighting, and I didn't know how to protect my swo
llen belly from his sharp claws or his vicious teeth.

  But there was one advantage that I did have – love. The love I bore for my child was right and fierce and painful, and I poured every inch of that love and fear for his safety into my attack.

  From a distance, I could hear the beat of my family’s paws as they rushed to my aid. But there was no time. And the next time he launched himself at me, I was ready.

  We went down in a flurry of claws. I was injured, more than my foot, and I yelped as I landed heavily on my right back leg. I had only a fraction of a second to think - I’ve fucked up. This is the end.

  But salvation was on my side. In his arrogance, Jessup provided an opening – and I took it.

  I sank my teeth into Jessup's neck. A gush of blood stained my teeth as I severed an artery. And even though he twisted and turned and pushed, I refused to let go.

  The copper of his blood was nauseating. The truth of what I was doing slammed into me as his heartbeat faded between one breath in the next.

  When I felt his body go limp and unresponsive, I pushed out from underneath him, and coughing, I hacked up my supper.

  I was weak, so weary. Around me, the earth spun wildly. When I shifted back to human, I stumbled to the ground – my legs weren’t able to hold my weight.

  “Great Moon Mother, hear me!

  I call to you as a babe cries for his mam in the night.

  I ask now for your favor and protection.

  I ask now for you to send me a mate worthy of being called alpha.”

  Hear me, Moon Mother!

  Blood of my blood I offer, the only fitting sacrifice for the strength of your love!

  Moon Mother, I beseech thee!”

  I couldn't call down the Moon Mother with shouting and joy.

  I barely had the strength to whisper.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The tangy scent of blood.

  Black.

  Black.

  The moon in startling relief.

  Pain.

  The baby was coming!

  Voices.

  What were they saying?

  Everything was black.

  “Let me take him!”

  “There’s no time for that!”

  It hurt. Mother Above, it hurt so much.

  I knew it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  I came awake slowly. A blink of an eye. A twitch of a finger. I had the strange sensation that I hadn’t actually been asleep - that I’d just been drifting, floating, somewhere in the ether. It was like my soul had fled my body and had only just now begun to root and anchor inside myself again. Everything was muted - my head felt full of cotton wool, and I couldn’t hear anything except my own breathing, and I couldn’t scent anything except home and safety.

  The light stung my eyes when I finally managed to open them. I must have made some sound of discontent, because when I blinked, my father was bending over me, his expression open with relief and worry.

  “My son,” I croaked out. “Where’s my son?”

  The happiness that filled his face was soothing, but it didn’t bring me any answers.

  “You’re going to be alright,” Dad breathed.

  I bared my teeth. “My son.”

  “He’s safe,” Dad said quickly, his hands up to placate me. “He’s-”

  But the door squeaked open before he could finish his sentence. The sound of soft baby coos filled my ears, and I was reaching out unsteadily before I even recognized something else: he wasn’t alone.

  “Gavin,” I breathed, awestruck. “You’re here.”

  I watched as he came around the side of the bed and sat gingerly, like he was afraid to jostle me. He didn’t speak. He didn’t have to. The look in his eyes said, You’re precious to me and I love you so much. It was a heavy look, intense, and I felt myself begin to colour under his regard.

  “You’re still going to be a little tender,” he said, and gently placed my baby in my arms.

  Tierce. Our son. His little face was scrunched up as he rooted around my chest. He’d been born, as most wolves are, with a head of hair, and it stood up and out to the side in the cutest little tufts I ever saw.

  “Is this real?” I murmured, and bit down on my cheek just to feel the sting. “I’m not dead, right?”

  Gavin bent his head to nuzzle against me. “Oh, you’re very much alive, sweetheart,” he promised. His voice held the intention of a lifetime together - nights spent comforting a crying pup, days spent working together under the Montana sun.

  “Good.”

  I’d forgotten Dad was there until he squeezed my hand. My world had narrowed until it consisted only of my mate and our pup.

  “I’m going to let you have some time together,” Dad said, and then he was gone from the room.

  “Can you tell me what happened?” I asked Gavin. “It all went a little fuzzy there.”

  Gavin slipped a hand into mine. “You started the ceremony,” he said, “but Jessup was lying in wait. When he saw you were alone, he attacked.”

  “I remember that part,” I murmured. It had been terrifying.

  “You were amazing, by the way.” Gavin squeezed lightly over my fingers. “You put him down, but he’d managed to nick an artery, and you were going into labor. With that much blood loss, we were afraid we were going to lose you.”

  I looked up into his face - really looked. There was a tightness around his eyes, a stiffness in his shoulders. I brought his hand to my mouth, pressing a kiss against his knuckles. “I’m here, Gavin. I’m right here with you.”

  His face crumpled.

  “Hold me,” I entreated.

  Silently, he slipped beneath the covers, our bodies pressed together in unity. With his warmth around me and our child in my arms, I fell back to sleep.

  Wolves are usually buried rather than cremated. We’re creatures of the earth, so we return to the earth. There’s a precise ceremony. It varies a little bit from pack to pack, but the basics are the same across our people - a respect and way of honoring the life of the wolf that had been alive.

  Even Lenny had received a proper burial after his rebellion had failed. His wolves had been released – banished from our territory, with some sent back to their own people in bondage. And even Lenny himself had allowed the gathering of pack to celebrate the life of the old alpha, Uncle Harold.

  Lenny's fault was that he was ambitious; he hunted these older ways and traditions without fully understanding them or what pain he would bring. Jessup was not nearly so jaded. It was not ambition which drove him; it was malice. He’d been shown mercy at Gavin’s paws that night in January. He had been shown mercy when our pack eventually gave up actively pursuing him in order to secure our borders. If he had only stayed away, he would still be alive. If he had let go of his obsession and his unrelenting cruelty, he would be free to wreak havoc in someone else's life.

  Not that I condoned that, of course.

  But he didn't. Instead of running far away, he taunted us for months. Instead of showing some respect, he attacked an omega heavy with child, in the middle of a rite dedicated to his own maker - the Moon Mother. Those are the actions of an Oath Breaker. A wolf gone crazy, who breaks the sacred trust of life the Moon Mother has granted them.

  Oath Breakers are not given the honor of a proper burial.

  Bran had kept Jessup’s body for me. He knew that I would want to see it; to know that the ordeal was fully and finally over. Gory as it was, I was grateful to him for that.

  We stood outside. Even in death, the wards held; his body was forbidden access to our property. I took a long look at the corpse before folding the blanket back down over top him. Beside me, Tierce cooed for attention in Gavin’s arms.

  "What are you planning to do with him?" I asked.

  Bran shrugged. "Take him up into the hills. As best I can tell he shouldn't have human folks out looking for him. If a hiker finds him, they'll just assume he was attacked by a cougar. Or a wolf." Bran smirked. "You did good,
cousin."

  I shrugged. I didn't feel as though I should be given any accolades for Jessup's death. I did what I had to do, and nothing more.

  Gavin took my elbow. "Let us sort this out for you. You're still resting up."

  I nodded, grateful for the intercession. When I took Tierce back into my arms, I lifted him high into the air and smiled at the look of curiosity on my pup’s face. "And after?"