And I Trusted You

by Jamela

  I knocked on the door of the inner office and called, “Ray, are you in there?”

  “Yeah, I came in early. I thought I should watch you do the deposit. You may not work here forever and I need to learn how to do it. Besides, Joanne is on the war path again. She doesn’t wanna do anything to help me out, but she wants to spend the money and control the decisions I make.” He replied with a sigh.

  “I kinda figured there was something going on with her. You should think about getting a new girlfriend. For someone 45 years old, she acts like a 16 year old. But that’s your problem.” I said walking to the file cabinet to get the deposit book.

  “Leslie, you know who I want to be my girlfriend, and wife, for that matter. But you won’t give me the time of day, other than working here. Your husband is a lucky man. I hope he knows it.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve been over this and nothing is gonna change. But, I can assure you that my husband knows just how lucky he is. I don’t give him a chance to think about anyone else, you know that. Maybe, if you settled down with someone who loves you, you could have the same thing.” I said as I tried to push him out of the way so I could walk by.

  “Now, move, so we can get this done and I can catch the bank before it gets really busy. I wanna leave early today, if that’s all right with you.”

  “That’s fine. But, I’ll need you here early tomorrow. I scheduled an early morning applicant. So, you’ll need to be here at 7 am. She’ll be walking in the door a few minutes later. She has an appointment at the doctor’s office and she’s responding to the newspaper ad for an administrative assistant.” He said walking his short thin self around and standing behind me.

  “Gotcha.” I said as I showed him what he needed to do. The rest of the day at the office progressed as I expected. Ray was irritable and sure enough, Joanne called all day. He wouldn’t take any of her calls and that made things worse. Finally, I suggested he take some time before I left and go talk to her. Even though I felt like Joanne was childish for her age, the least Ray could do was talk to her and work things out. Besides, she was disrupting my routine and making it difficult for me to get my work done. Finally he left for a couple of hours and said everything was okay between them when he returned. I filled him in on the messages and made sure everything was in order. So, at 1:30, I left with a few applications to go over at home.

  I drove a few blocks to the cleaners to pick up John’s suits. I went shopping for a negligee, then stopped by the grocery store and did my shopping for the week. Finally I headed home. I was surprised to see my husband’s car as I pulled into the driveway. He didn’t usually get home until late on Tuesday’s. Here it was 2:30 in the afternoon and he’s home. “What could be wrong?” I unlocked the door and heard voices. It was my husband and I wasn’t sure of the other voice. It was female. So, I quietly walked in and closed the door. I didn’t see them in the living room, so I walked to the den thinking they would be in there. I realized the voices were coming from the bedroom. I stopped, took a deep breath for a moment and quietly pushed the door open. I dropped to my knees when I saw who was in my bed.

  There was my husband climbing onto the bed, with his co-worker, Cynthia under my covers. I couldn’t move for a moment. When I found the strength to lunge. I rushed over, pushed my husband onto the floor and punched Cynthia in the face. I dragged her out of the bed and out of my house by her hair. My husband was yelling at me and trying to hold my arms. “It’s amazing how much strength you have when you get angry.” I locked her out with no clothes on, then went back to pack a suitcase for my husband. But, I thought better of it and threw all his clothes in garbage bags. I sat them outside on the steps. During all of this my husband was trying to get Cynthia’s clothes to put on. I called my sister and asked her to pick the kids up from school and let them spend a few nights at her place. I assured her nothing was wrong and I would explain everything to her later.

  When John, the cheater, had gotten Cynthia a taxi, he came back to talk to me as I was hanging up the phone.

  “Leslie, I’m so sorry. I apologize. This was the only time I’ve ever done anything like this. It’s not what you think. You know I love you. I don’t know why this happened. Please don’t leave me. PLEASE!” He said as he knelt down on his knees and squeezed my hand.

  “Oh, I’m not going anywhere. You are. Your things are on the front steps. I want you out! I’ll tell the kids you had to go for personal reasons, which is true. But, you can thank yourself for ending this marriage. Get out of my sight!” I screamed trying to pull my hands away.

  John stood up and wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. It was easy for him to engulf me with his long arms and lift me from the floor. “No. I’m not leaving. We have to work through this. You aren’t leaving, either. I love you too much to lose you and I know you love me. You can’t just stop loving me in one hour and throw away all we have together. “

  “Oh I can’t? You did!” I said struggling to pull free. “Let me go. I never wanna see you again, in life.” I hissed.

  “You don’t mean that. I KNOW you LOVE ME. You show me every day. Leslie…..”

  “That’s right, John, I show you every day and this is the thanks I get. You brought that slut into my house, into my bed. And you expect me not to believe this is an ongoing thing. For all I know, there could have been a whole train of people in here. All this time, I’m thinking my husband is faithful to me. Guess you never know.” I said through tears.

  “Aaawww, baby, I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Please, let’s fix this. I don’t want “us” to be over. I need you, Leslie. I need you in my life. I’m nothing without you.” He pleaded.

  “John, this is the last time I’m saying this. Let me go.” I said flatly.

  He reluctantly released me and stepped back as he saw the look in my eyes. I just stood there staring at him. It was all I could do not to get my biggest knife and cut his heart out, the way he’d just cut mine out. He looked at me with so much sorrow in his eyes, but I couldn’t tell if it was because he got caught or if he was genuinely sorry. “Look at me, still thinking about him and not myself. I’m the one who got hurt here, not him.” I walked over and sat down, holding my head. I was getting a migraine. I needed to calm down. I had things to work out, mainly my children and how I was gonna support myself. I needed time to think. I never expected anything like this to happen. It was so hard to breathe and control my shaking. I didn’t know how to handle things like this. I sat there staring at him and began to sob softly.

  He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and continued crying. “What did he expect me to do, find out and immediately forgive him? Did he think I would never find out? Or is it more of he didn’t care whether I did or not? He couldn’t have cared. He brought her to my house and my bed. He could have at least had the decency to do it somewhere else. That is the least he could have done. Oh God, what did I do wrong? I mean, didn’t I do everything the way I was supposed to? My mother always said, “Take care of your man, and he’ll never stray.” I guess she was wrong. I always have a hot meal waiting when he gets home from work. I pay all of the bills early or on time. The children are always fed, clean clothed and taken care of. The house is cleaned. And anything I don’t know in the bedroom, I do research to learn. I’m willing to try new things to please him. I even got a part time job, so I’d have some extra money and not have to bother him about it. Where did I go wrong?”

  “Leslie, we need to talk about this. We can’t put it off indefinitely. I know I was wrong. It never should have happened. I never should have been in the situation and I’m so sorry. I apologize for being an ass. But, please, give me a chance to make things right. Please, Leslie. I don’t wanna live without you and the kids in my life. I couldn’t bear not coming home to my family every day.”

  “John, you should have thought about that when you were thinking of climbing into bed with Cynthia. You should have thought a
bout how your actions would affect your family. You should have, but obviously, those things weren’t important to you and that’s why you didn’t consider them. And, I know we have to talk about this, but I don’t wanna do it right now. Just leave me alone. I don’t wanna see you, John. I can’t stand the sight of you and I don’t wanna hurt you. If you stay here, you WILL get hurt. So, please leave.” I said as I left the room.

  I walked outside, got into my car and left. I drove around for a while then decided to check into a hotel. I knew John wouldn’t be gone if I went back to the house. And the last thing I wanted was to see him. I wouldn’t be able to think if I had to be around him. Once I got to my room, I called Ray to let him know I would be a few minutes late. Could he please open up and I would finish when I got there. I took something to help me sleep and turned the TV on. It wasn’t long before the TV was watching me. The next morning, I was thinking a little clearer. I got up feeling nauseous and got dressed, went by my sister’s place to see the kids, then went to work. When I arrived, Ray was already there. He took one look at me and asked what was wrong. “You look like you had a bad night. What happened after you left here?” He said with concern.

  “Oh, I ran into a lil’ problem at home. But I worked it out. Why, do I look that bad?”

  “Yeah, you do. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Of course I am. Now, don’t bother me about it anymore. How did things go after I left yesterday?

  “Fine. We got two new applicants and we got four job orders. I left the info on your desk. The orders don’t have to be filled until next week, so we have time to work on them. Oh, here comes our applicant.” He said pointing at the door.

  Ray let her in greeting and directing her to me. I took the application, did all the testing and gave her all the pertinent information and forms. The rest of the day was pretty normal. By the time we closed the office at 5 pm, I was really tired. I was off for the next couple of days. Normally, I only worked on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. He would call for me to come in, if things got really busy. As of late, I’d been working four days and sometimes five depending on the job orders we got. Things were going so well. We had discussed me working five mornings a week. Some of the work could be done at home, so I wouldn’t need to be in the office all day. As I was closing out the paperwork, Ray came to stand behind me. He began to gently massage my shoulders. It felt so good. “Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong with you? You know I’m here for you and I’ll help you in any way I can. Leslie, what’s wrong?” He said turning me around as I began to cry.

  “Oh, who made you cry? Please tell me, what can I do to help you?” He said as we wiped the tears from my eyes. All I could do was look at him and think about the hurt from yesterday. Then I thought about the comments Ray was always making. “When are you gonna divorce John and marry me.” “You know I love you.” “Your husband is such a lucky man.” “Why won’t you give me a chance, I’ll treat you good.”

  Every day, there was something said. John and I went to a car show and that’s where we met Ray. He came over and commented on the classic car John had restored. The two of them hit it off and became associates, then friends. That was five years ago. Ray has eaten at our house. We’ve all gone out together and had a good time. So, Ray is more than my boss, he’s also a friend. And because of this, I just couldn’t tell him what John did. I didn’t wanna relive it and I didn’t want him to know. Besides, I took his comments as jokes, but since yesterday, I’m not too sure about anything anymore.

  I stood up to walk off, but Ray blocked my way. He looked at me with the strangest look in his hazel eyes. Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed me and pulled me close. My head rested on his shoulder and for a minute it felt really nice. I tried to back away and he gently turned my chin as he kissed me. It was a slow, soft, gentle kiss. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I backed away shaking my head.

  “What did you do that for?” I asked softly.

  “Because I’ve wanted to since the first time I saw you. Leslie, you don’t take me seriously. But, I am in love with you. I know you love John, but I can wait. You’re worth it.”

  “Ray, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I’m just gonna forget about this. I have a lot on my mind and this isn’t something I need to deal with right now.” I said turning to leave.

  “I know about what happened yesterday with John and Cynthia, Leslie.”

  I turned and stared at him. How could he know? I’m sure John hadn’t told him anything, or had he? I fell into a chair holding my head in my hands. Finally I looked up at Ray blinking back tear. I was not going to cry in front of him anymore. I was gonna put my best face on and work through this alone.

  “So, you know. And how in the world can you be in love with me and dealing with all your female friends, especially Joanne? I can’t take you seriously and you know it. I’m leaving. I’ll see you on Monday. And, Ray, when I come back, I don’t wanna discuss this. I don’t ever wanna discuss this or what happened yesterday. Except for this, how did you find out?”

  “When I left to go talk with Joanne, I stopped by your place. John was just getting there and Cynthia was with him. I asked why they were stopping at the house and he told me he was showing her the new addition and the workmanship. Something about her needing some work done and asking if he knew anyone and their quality of work. I bought it and left. I know Cynthia has had a thing for John ever since she started working there. Her best friend is my cousin’s wife. I told John he needed to be careful around her and he promised he would be. He said he didn’t even think of her like that and I didn’t have anything to worry about. He said he would never do anything to hurt you. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it has ever happened before yesterday. I’m not pleading his case, or taking his side, I just know how much John loves you. But I can see he really hurt you.” Ray reached for me. I backed away and walked out the door.

  “I don’t want to discuss this again. All you men are alike sticking up for each other. I hope he didn’t expect me to believe anything you said with the way you treat women as objects. PLEASE!” I said and slammed the door shut.

  As I drove to my hotel, it was all I could do to not pull over and just let it all out. How could he think I would buy anything he said? He and John deserved to be friends they were two of a kind. I needed to get some things from the house, so I made up my mind to go by when John was at work tomorrow. I had sent my sister over to get some clothes for the kids, enough to last them for a month. I didn’t know when I would be going back to the house. It probably wouldn’t be until John left and I had a chance to change the locks.

  I took care of my errands and settled in for the night. I grabbed the phonebook to find someone to talk to. I knew I needed to talk to someone and I couldn’t hold my feelings in forever. But I didn’t wanna talk to John before I cleared my own mind. It was hard to find someone because we lived in a small town. It seemed like everyone knew everyone. I decided on someone in Columbia since it was a bigger city with more choices. I switched on the TV and turned to my favorite channel, Lifetime. There was a movie on about a woman who thought she had the perfect marriage and discovered her husband was a serial killer. Oh God, this was the last thing I needed to watch, so I turned to something else. I couldn’t settle in, so I got into the car and drove over to my sister’s house. The children were playing on the PlayStation 3. She said they had already eaten so I had them get ready for a late movie.

  On the way, Stacie asked, “Mommy, is everything okay between you and daddy? He came by a couple of hours ago and asked us if we knew where you were staying. Josh and I were surprised ‘cause we thought you guys were together. Everything is okay, isn’t it?” She prompted with concern.

  “Stacie, your father and I need some time apart. Remember how I told you married people don’t always get along? Well, this is one of those times for us. I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know how.” I said looking over at her. For a ten year old, she was rather matu
re. She was excellent at reading between the lines and seeing things for what they really were.

  “Mommy, something as serious as this, you just come right out and say it. Parents are always worrying about protecting their children, when it would be much better if you’d just let us know what’s going on. So, are you at home, or is Daddy there?”

  “If daddy came by asking where she was staying, he’s the one at home.” Said eight-year old Josh. “When are you going back home?” Asked Josh, the thinker. He usually didn’t get emotional about things. He just took them as they came. Sometimes, I wished Stacie were the same way.

  “I’m not sure. We have a lot to work through. But, as you can see, I’ve arranged for you to stay with Aunt Helen for a while. Right now, I don’t want your father to know where I’m staying because I’m not ready to talk to him. Not yet, anyway.” I said pulling into a parking space at the plaza.

  We all got out of the car and as we walked inside, Stacie and Josh commented simultaneously, “He must have done something really bad.” I looked at my children in amazement and realized that I couldn’t be selfish. Regardless of how I felt, they needed their father. After the movie, we went to an all night diner. The kids mentioned Aunt Helen was nice and all, but she didn’t cook like me. So, I gave in to their wishes for a quick snack. Just as I was about to pull into a parking space, I saw Ray and John walk in the door. I quickly maneuvered the Mercedes E320 around the back of the building and informed the children, we’d go somewhere else.