my life as a rock album

by LJ Evans

  “Make love.”

  “Whatever. You don’t know me.”

  He pulled her off the barstool and led her towards his studio. Inside, the chair with the silken purple metal streaming from it was off to the side and in its place was a series of shadowboxes. She looked inside the boxes.

  One had a piece of a ceramic plate with writing all over it and next to it was a metal rod with feathers sticking off the top that looked a lot like the purple flowered pen that Justice had given her at thirteen when she started interviewing people. The next window in the shadowbox had a metal heart frame with pieces of leather and a baby bottle and ropes tied into it that instinctively reminded her of her family. Of Justice and Liv and baby Cole. Another was two twisted metal pieces tied together with knots that seemed passionate and fierce as if they were merging into one through their dancing embrace. Another had wood pieces that fit together as if they were nesting dolls. There were more windows, and some reminded her of her laughing relationship with Claire, or the way she crossed the tire course at the gym or how she looked at the ocean with such peace. The boxes were beautiful and vibrant and full of color and emotion and life.

  “They’re amazing.”

  “They’re you. I do know you, Patterson Ginny Hensley.”

  She turned on him, and he was staring at her in that intense way that felt like he was taking her soul and embedding it inside him. She wondered how he had figured out her real name. It reminded her of the No Caller. It made her stomach turn slightly, but she also knew that Seth wasn’t No Caller. Seth wouldn’t hide behind an anonymous number. He hadn’t. He’d come after her hard and fast. That was way more Seth than sending vague messages. He was all direct attack.

  He seemed to read her mind about her name, he shrugged and added, “I like Google.”

  “My mom loved Patsy Cline,” she breathed out. “Patsy’s real name was Virginia Patterson. My mom thought Virginia was too old fashioned, so she flipped the names around.”

  She swallowed. She hadn’t thought about her mom in a long time. Not that way. And then she saw one of the shadow boxes that seemed to reflect exactly the loss and pain she felt about her parents, and she wondered how Seth knew that all that pain was still inside her from losing them.

  But. There was a box missing if this was her. A secret box that she didn’t want him to know. She didn’t want to know how he would carve the metal and wood for that emptiness. For that piece of her that she hated.

  When she finally looked up at him, what she saw in his eyes was so close to the love she’d been searching for back then that it tugged at those pieces she was still hiding, trying to tear them away from her.

  She went to him and kissed him like there would never be another time to do so. And he wrapped his arms around her waist and held onto her like he’d never let her go, and she knew then that she didn’t want him to.

  She knew that she would move in with him. That somehow she belonged with this man who could see her so clearly even when she couldn’t always see herself.

  And later that day, when Seth told Liv and Justice about them moving in together, and Justice had protested, she’d still known it with a conviction that she couldn’t shake.

  As they were leaving his house, Justice had pulled her aside and whispered, “Don’t move in with him. You have a room here.”

  “I can’t explain it, but somehow it feels like it’s meant to be,” she’d told him honestly.

  And when she’d turned away to look at Seth waiting for her with the door of the Porsche open, she knew that it was true. Somehow she was meant to take this path. She wasn’t sure why, but it was what was supposed to happen.

  Even months later, in New York, she knows it’s still true. Regardless of how it had ended, it was still the path she was supposed to take.

  I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU

  Letter Six

  “I’d live and I’d die for you. I’d steal the sun from the sky for you.”

  -Bon Jovi & Sambora

  DEAR BELLA,

  That month that I waited for you to move in, I had more patience than I’d ever had in my life. I know you think I wasn’t patient, but me, waiting for you, that was the most waiting I’d ever done in my life without going completely off the rails. And it was the only reason I could let you go each time you left me because I knew that I would only be letting you go for moments of time. That soon I’d be waking up every day to you in my arms, to our skin on each other’s skin.

  When I showed you the shadowboxes that I’d made of you and you agreed, or at least didn’t disagree, to move in with me, I was filled with relief. Relief that I couldn’t shake as we made our way back to the kitchen and finished the breakfast I’d made for you.

  That relief was followed by a sense of happiness that I can’t remember ever having before. It sent me to my computer to research Dylan Waters while you went to shower.

  When you came out of the bedroom, you were in your Freestorm clothes, and I didn’t catch on at that moment that you were going to work. I thought we were going to spend the day reveling in the fact that we were moving in together. I know you are probably frowning that little frown of yours because you can’t imagine me reveling in anything. Celebrating. I know I probably didn’t show it to you. I’m sorry. But, I was happy, Bella. More than you can ever imagine.

  You eased up next to me and asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Researching Dylan Waters.”

  “The director?”

  I nodded.

  “Why?”

  “He wants to buy my waterfall.”

  “That’s awesome.”

  “Except the piece really wasn’t for sale.”

  “It wasn’t? Why?”

  I looked at you all fresh and shiny from the shower, your beautiful curls pulled up into a pony tail, and I just couldn’t prevent myself from touching you. I pulled you so that you were between my legs with your back up against my chest, and my arms went back to the counter and the computer. You were trapped, but you didn’t seem to mind. Not then. Then, you relaxed into me.

  “It was my first major piece,” I tried to explain.

  “So, you feel attached to it.”

  “Yes. But for a long time, it also reminded me of Cam.”

  “Cam?”

  “The girl who broke my heart.” And for the first time in so long that I couldn’t even recall, it didn’t hurt to say her name and to tell that story.

  “The gilded cage girl?”

  “The bird inside the cage was supposed to be her. I’d even told her that. One day when I was angry at my parents and at myself and impatiently waiting for LaGuardia’s reply, I got drunk, and I destroyed it.”

  “How awful.”

  “When Cam saw it, she thought I was destroying her.”

  You held your breath and then let it go.

  “But you were really just destroying your chance with her.”

  You leaned slightly to kiss the inside of my arm and I hated and loved that you could feel any sympathy for me. I didn’t deserve it. I’d been a prick to Cam and many of the people in Tennessee. I rested my chin on your head.

  “But what has this to do with the waterfall?” you asked.

  “She was the first one to see it finished. It’s all I had left of her good impression of me.”

  You were silent, taking in all the information I’d given you. I didn’t know what you were thinking. But I did know that the only impression that mattered anymore was yours. I was sharing because you’d asked me to and you’d agree to live with me and it seemed like a fair trade, a piece of me for all of you.

  Except I didn’t really get all of you then, did I?

  “So, what makes you consider selling it now?” Your hand moved slowly up and down my arm making me wonder if I should just take you back to the bedroom and be damned with any other plans for the day.

  “Well, he’s offered a million and a half for it.”

  Your hand froze on my arm. “Dollars?”
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  I chuckled. “That’s what I said. It was a million at first.”

  You swallowed, pushing aside what you really wanted to say in order to tease, “But he thought you were just playing hard to get.”

  “I don’t play.”

  “He doesn’t know that.”

  “But you do,” I kissed your neck, and you briefly drew me closer with a sigh of contentment before pulling yourself away and turning back to my computer. You weren’t done yet trying to peel back the layers you thought I was hiding. There’s nothing to hide, Bella. Just me. Just life.

  “So why are you researching him?”

  “I don’t want to sell it to some chump.”

  “So why sell it at all?”

  “I don’t need it anymore. I have you.” And the honesty I said it with seemed to hit you because you froze again and then you ran.

  You pulled yourself from my chest, ducked under my arm, and would have headed to the door if I hadn’t caught your hand with my own.

  “Where are you going?”

  “The gym.”

  I couldn’t help my disappointment. “I thought we had the day together.”

  “The gym is only closed on Sundays. I have a tween class at ten. Then I want to stay and make sure everything’s running smoothly. Justice says he’ll be back in on Monday even if Liv and the baby can’t come in yet. I just want to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about anything.”

  “Okay,” I said, not liking it but also not prepared to fight you over the job you did for your brother. “Let me change, and I’ll go by the boxing ring after I drop you off.”

  You frowned. “I’m sorry. I forgot I didn’t have my car.”

  “It’s not a problem.” Because it wasn’t, but you didn’t like it because you hate feeling dependent on others.

  “I hate to make you run around.”

  “I wouldn’t care if I had to drive you to Vegas and back every day if it meant I got to spend time with you.”

  I said it and meant it with all of me, and you seemed to believe me. Then you smiled your sassy smile at me.

  “Why don’t you just work out at the gym?”

  “What? Do rock climbing?”

  Your annoyance flared immediately, pissed that I was underestimating what you do at Freestorm. You put your hand on your hip and challenged me. “I bet I can put you through a harder workout than your boxing coach does.”

  And what could I say to that? I could only pull you back to me with a gruff, “I bet you could.”

  You laughed. “You know that’s not what I meant. And, you’ll have to wait until I’m done with the classes.”

  “Do I get to watch?”

  “Well… maybe… I don’t know.” And your hesitation only made me rumble a protest and bite your neck. You laughed and swatted me away. “Fine. Fine. But don’t make me blush.”

  “That’s pretty much an impossibility.”

  You punched me lightly. “Go change.”

  I didn’t even protest. I just did as you asked because it meant that I didn’t have to let you go. Not yet.

  * * *

  Your last tween class was almost finished. The girls were sweaty and exhausted but still smiling. They seemed to take great pleasure in being stronger, faster, and more agile than many of the boys in the class that the weasel was running for Justice that day. I continued to be impressed by what you and Justice did at the gym.

  I was sitting on the bleachers in the parent waiting area. I’d stretched out with my legs in front of me and my arms crossed over my chest while I watched you with my back against the wall. I had the hood of my sweatshirt up so that you would think I was sleeping instead of tracing your every move with my eyes. I’m not sure it worked with you, but it worked on the weasel because he didn’t know I was there. He’d shown up just as his class had started.

  The girls thanked you, grabbed their stuff, and then flirted with the boys from stupid’s group as they exited. As they left, he crossed the floor to you, and I was instantly on my feet and moving.

  “So, Justice is back on Monday?” he said, trying for nonchalance, but I could read the other emotions that were drifting off of him as you both picked up the equipment.

  “Yep,” you responded oblivious.

  “How’s the baby?”

  “Cute as a button. I can’t wait to see him climbing all over the stuff here at the gym.”

  “Yeah. That’ll be great,” stupid said. He was not quite nervous, but something close. He kept going, “Hey. Listen, we’re almost done here. Would you like to grab a late lunch after?”

  You stilled. As if you were surprised by his asking you out even though I’d already warned you that he wanted you. Your embarrassment was written in the color that lit your face.

  “Um,” you stuttered.

  “She already has plans,” I said coming up next to you, reaching for your fingers. You both looked up in shock because neither of you had seen me move across the floor. The weasel’s face turned from shock to resentment at my interruption.

  “What the…?” he huffed out.

  “She. Has. Plans.” I took a step towards him, and you stepped in between us, pushing at my chest and turning so that your back was leaning up against me. It was as if you knew that I needed your touch to calm me down. And it did. But only slightly and some days I still wish it hadn’t.

  “Sorry Michael. Thanks for the invite, but Seth and I are going to stay and go through some courses.” You gave him an apologetic smile. But I knew you weren’t happy with me either. Your face was aflame with your opinion.

  “Uh. No problem. It’s okay. I’ll see you next week.” And the weasel stalked off, picking up his bag and heading for the door.

  You turned to me with that pixie annoyance in full bloom.

  “What was that for?”

  I wanted to smile at your adorable temper, but I didn’t think that would help. So I just spoke the truth as I always do. “He needed to know you weren’t available.”

  “I could have handled it.”

  “Like you handled the guy at the bar last night?”

  “Seth. You have to trust me. I don’t want to be with another guy. If I wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t be with you.”

  “I do trust you. It’s them I don’t trust.”

  “You can’t walk around scaring the bejeezus out of everyone, acting like you own me.” You stomped your foot as if to make your point.

  And I couldn’t help it, all my anger faded away and in its place was my grin, which just made your annoyance flare more.

  “Is this you being mad at me?” I teased.

  “I’m serious. I’m not for sale. Not for even a bazillion dollars,” and you went to move away from me, but I caught you.

  “How about for this,” and I was kissing you to make you forget everything and everyone but me.

  You let me kiss you briefly, and then you fought your way out of my arms.

  “Not for sale,” you said grimly. But I just smiled because I could see that you were already losing your steam and you knew it too, so you escaped to the rope course, looking back at me with a taunt that I was unable to resist.

  “But, if you catch me, you might get a reward anyway,”

  And then you were gone, and I was chasing you. You moved through the rope course faster than I expected. Strong and lean and so incredibly gorgeous as you swung yourself with ease through a course that would have challenged any pro-athlete.

  At first, I kept up pretty well. My muscles from boxing and running helping me with your pace. When you flung yourself from the rope course to the rock wall, I caught my breath and followed you, barely grabbing on. You seemed surprised that I’d made it, but I was determined to not let you go. Like always. Like even now when you are miles away.

  At the top of the rock wall, you caught the edge and worked your fingers along the top until you got to the tire swings, and I knew then that there was no way that I was going to be able to follow you that way. But
I wasn’t going to lose either. You didn’t know it then as well as you know it now, but I don’t play fair. I don’t play by rules that other people set for me.

  So while you hit the tires, I dropped down and watched your toned body move through the obstacle. My body responding to yours with a familiar tightening. When you did a forward roll from the swings onto the mat, I was ready, and I pounced, my body capturing your tiny one. I was smiling at you because I couldn’t help it. Because you were ravishing and you were mine.

  “You didn’t do the tires. That isn’t fair,” you scowled up at me, breath coming fast after all the energy you’d exerted to outpace me.

  “Life isn’t fair, Bella,” I grinned at you.

  “Cheater,” you tried to push me off, but I had you pinned, arms spread out, and even as strong as you were, you were still half my size.

  “The conditions you set were, ‘Catch me and get a reward,’” I bent my head and nipped at your bottom lip with my teeth.

  “I said you ‘might’ get a reward,” you reminded me, trying to keep your lips pressed together.

  I just moved from your closed lips to your neck, because I knew that as soon as your body took over from your brain, that you would give in. And you did, body relaxing, legs surrounding me. Your hands and tongue keeping pace with my own.

  * * *

  It was much later than I expected when we exited the gym. We’d used the showers in the woman’s locker room in ways that I was pretty sure your brother wouldn’t have approved. But you were smiling, and I had a rare moment of peace.

  You stopped at the office as we left, gathering a bank bag up with your things, and at the Porsche, you said, “I want to run the receipts and cash over to Justice’s so he can make the bank run on Monday. Do you want to drop me at my car?”

  “No.” Because I didn’t.

  “Seth, you’re going to have to take me to my car at some point.”

  But you didn’t seem annoyed by my answer, so I just stared, and you just got in the car and gave me directions to your brother’s house. It was a small victory because you didn’t let me do many things for you.