my life as a rock album

by LJ Evans

  “Who’s this?” you asked, pulling away from him.

  Locke cleared his throat, nervous, as if he’d forgotten that we didn’t know who his friend was.

  “Everyone, this is my… Keith.” It was slightly humorous to see the normally calm Locke flustered. And he was.

  “Well, I’m not his Keith, but I am his boyfriend Keith,” the man said coming forward with a smile and a Southern accent.

  And that’s when the memory slid into place. Of Cam and the cliff that I’d pushed her off of as I dared her to jump so I wouldn’t expose her friend Keith’s homosexuality to a group of teenaged football players.

  My stomach twisted. I had been such a prick. And, me feeling like shit, doesn’t normally bode well for anyone around me. I’m as nasty on regret as I am on alcohol.

  I met Keith’s eyes, and instead of being pissed like I would have expected, there was laughter in them.

  “I’m PJ, this is Justice and Liv, and the sulking man in the corner is—”

  “Seth,” Keith said with a laugh.

  “Keith,” I nodded at him.

  “Wait? What? How do you know Seth?” Locke said with a new tone to his voice. I wanted to smirk. If the mood in the room wasn’t so serious, I probably would have. Because Locke being jealous of me was humorous. But it was also something I understood. There’d been a few hours when I’d wanted to slam his gray hair into the nearest wall when I thought he’d been with you.

  “High school in Tennessee,” Keith said, but he bumped Locke’s shoulder as if to tell him to lighten up.

  “Well, isn’t it a small world?” Liv said with almost her normal smile back on her face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you finally, Keith. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “And I all of you,” Keith said with a return smile that was infecting everyone in the room.

  It made me hate myself a little more. For being a prick in another life to this guy who was bringing a much needed positive energy into our night.

  “Are you sure it’s safe for you to bring him around us yet, man?” Justice said to Locke with a smile that spoke of stories he was going to spill.

  “I figure if he can stomach the group of you good-for-nothings, then I’m all set,” Locke rumbled.

  “He’s lying. I had to bribe him to bring me here tonight,” Keith laughed.

  Locke growled in a way that I normally reserved for myself, but it made me smile, and you saw it, and that made you smile, and that made everything okay in my world.

  And I guess it was good that there was humor because we needed it. We needed it to escape the fear that a note had left in its wake. I needed it to keep me from being my typical asshole self. You needed it to keep away the tears, and that made me like Keith for the first time. And you know me. I don’t like many people.

  You found your way back to my side and put your hand in mine. I held on to it while Keith watched us all.

  “It must have been one heck of a bribe,” Liv finally teased back. She was good at that also. Teasing everyone back out of the darkness. I could see how her and Keith would get along famously. I could see how Locke was drawn to Keith just like his best friend had been drawn to Liv.

  The baby cried on the baby monitor bringing us back to reality.

  “Well, I’m going to go feed Cole which leaves you having to figure out dinner,” Liv said to Justice.

  “We’re leaving. We just wanted to see how PJ was,” Locke said.

  “No, no. Everyone stay. Justice will order take out.” Liv left the room, and no one had a choice but to stay because you didn’t go against a breast-feeding mother.

  When we left a couple hours later, I handed you the keys to the Porsche, and I took the Bug that Justice had driven to his house. I didn’t want you to have to think about the letter that had been left on the windshield.

  I thought you were going to argue, but after one look in the direction of the Bug, you didn’t.

  When we got home, I parked the Bug inside the garage because there was no way I was letting you leave it outside where that shithead could get to it. You got out of the Porsche and protested, but I stopped you with a kiss and a need so great that it stopped you cold.

  And that’s where we spent the rest of our night. As we always did. In each other’s arms pushing the world aside.

  * * *

  The next day, the Bug wouldn’t start when you tried to go to work. I got worried when I didn’t hear you leave in the rattle trap, and when I went into the garage, you had your head on the steering wheel like that first day you’d arrived at my house.

  You felt like life was throwing more unfair at you. I felt like it was destiny. I didn’t want you driving that rust bucket anyway. If you had a different car, the shithead wouldn’t know whose car to leave screwed up notes on.

  I drove you to work, which you were unhappy about. Fighting that dependency. I didn’t care. I’d already told you I’d drive you to Vegas every day if it was needed. But, I knew you weren’t going to tolerate that for long, so I drove to the Lexus dealership. And I bought you a car.

  I’m not going to lie, I was excited. I wanted to see your face light up when I gave it to you. I wanted you to be happy. The thought of doing this for you, of having the money to be able to do this for you, it made me giddy. I know, giddy and me aren’t normally words that go together. But I was. I just didn’t know it was going to go all to hell.

  When you came out of the gym door, you didn’t smile. That was my first clue. Instead you stood with your hand on your hip and a frown on your face.

  “What’s this?”

  “Your new car,” I said but my happiness was dimming quickly.

  “I’m not taking this,” you replied, and looked away quickly when my smile turned to my glower.

  “What?” I hurled out.

  “Seth, I’m not letting you buy me a car.”

  “You need a new one.”

  “And I’ll get one. When I’ve saved up enough money. It may not be a new one, but it will be new to me.”

  “I’m not letting you drive that piece of garbage anymore. I worry about you every time you leave the house, plus Michael knows that car.” And I hated myself as soon as I said it because I saw the fear streak across your face before you schooled it back into your fairy scowl.

  “You don’t have a choice. I’m sorry it makes you worry, but I’m not taking a handout from you or anyone.”

  “This isn’t a handout! This is me wanting the woman I love to be safe. It’s really fucking selfish.”

  I was trying to twist it so you would take the car any way I could. If I had to use guilt, I’d do it. I wasn’t playing fair this time even though I was trying harder with you than I had with anyone in my life. You may not believe that, but this was me trying to be as close to fair as I could get, but not with the car.

  “I’m sorry. You’ll just have to take it back,” you said and you weren’t giving in. I could see it. But, I wasn’t either. Not yet.

  “No.”

  “Fine, then you just bought yourself another car. I won’t be driving it.”

  And you stormed back into the gym. And I was confused as all hell. Because I knew you were independent. I knew you didn’t want to be given anything, but this was different. This was life and death different.

  I stared at the gym door, hands behind my head, trying to breathe myself to a calm place.

  When you came out, Liv was with you. She had baby Cole and her bag. She lifted an eyebrow questioningly at me, but I couldn’t fucking respond. I watched as Liv got the baby in the car seat, and you started to get into the passenger seat of her SUV.

  “Bella.” It was a warning. I wanted to pick you up and shove you into the seat of the Lexus.

  But, you had your own snarl that surprised me. “I’ll see you at the house. After you’ve taken that back.”

  “Goddamn it, woman,” I started towards you but Liv intercepted me.

  “Look. I don’t know the whole story here, but I can
tell you that PJ doesn’t want you to drive her home right now. I’m going to do that. This’ll give you both some space to figure out what you really want to say before either of you says something you’ll regret. Capice?”

  I wanted to shove her aside, but I looked at you with your scowl, and baby Cole gurgling in the back seat, and Liv with a frown that she hardly ever wore, and I relented.

  I couldn’t fight you and them and all the other fucking things that were going on in our life, so instead, I slammed my way into the Lexus and burned rubber out of the parking lot.

  It was immature. But, better squealing tires than fists. Better the smell of burning rubber than forcing something that would only push you away.

  You realize that I only wanted what was best for you, right? That I wanted to keep you safe. I wasn’t trying to tie you to me. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like you had to stay because I’d bought you a car. I wasn’t giving it to you so that you would owe me something back.

  But as I write these words not hardly a page or so after I wrote the words that he wrote you, I realize again how close my feelings were to his, and it scares me in a different way. It scares me that I am more like him than I want to admit. Like I’m more like my asshole father than I want to admit. It makes me think that maybe you’re right to be thousands of miles away from me.

  One Step Closer

  PJ After Letter Eight

  “Standing on the corner of that lone goodbye,

  All alone, it’s there I made up my mind.”

  -Bon Jovi

  PJ’S HEART HAMMERS A vicious pace inside her chest as she reads Seth’s letter. It brings her right back to the place she’d left. The fear. The overpowering force of Seth. Of everything that had come after.

  What would have happened if she’d kept the stupid Lexus? Would all the other madness still have happened? Probably… but the doubts still linger with her.

  She’s shaking. Inside and out. There’s no way she’s making it to class today. No way she can leave the apartment. Fear overtakes her still at times. Her therapist says it's normal. That she shouldn’t push it away. That she needs to walk herself through the fear to the other side.

  So that’s her plan. To stay and walk herself through it.

  She breathes deeply and tries to concentrate on the day when Seth showed up in the parking lot with the Lexus.

  * * *

  He tried to hand her the keys with a smile the size of Texas on his face. That rare smile he kept reserved for occasions so few and far between that they could be counted on two hands since she’d known him. The smile she hadn’t seen since before Michael. Since before Seth had been told that the father who’d let his mother die was out of prison.

  She loved that smile. But she hated the car.

  She couldn’t take it. There was no way she would have any self-respect left if she allowed him to buy her a car. She could never pay him back for it. She would buy her own car. And she told him that, and it had wiped his smile away.

  When she drove away with Liv, she wanted to cry but she held it in. She felt like everything in her life was spiraling out of control. Seth was out of control. Her emotions for him were out of control. This thing with Michael, or whoever the hell it was, was out of control.

  She just wanted so badly to be in charge of her own life. Was that anything so terrible to ask for? To just be able to be responsible for herself?

  They were both quiet as Liv drove. The silence only broken by the directions PJ would give her to get to Seth’s house. Finally, Liv broke the quiet. “Peej. You okay?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” PJ paused trying to figure out what she was trying to say. She rubbed her face and looked out the window. “I love him, Liv. It’s just. So much sometimes. Too much. He doesn’t do anything by halves, and I feel like I’m losing myself.”

  “You have a lot going on right now.”

  “Even if there wasn’t this whole… Michael thing… I just… It’s like sometimes I can’t even breathe without him giving me the air to do so.”

  Liv was quiet for a moment but then spoke solemnly.

  “I like Seth. I do. So don’t take this wrong, but maybe you both need some space. You both dove head first into this extremely intense relationship. You guys love each other, it’s so clear to everyone around you, but it’s also like… I don’t know. Two flames that are going to run out of fuel at any moment.”

  It was PJ’s turn to be quiet.

  “Do you want to come home with me? You can stay with us. Our place is your home. Has always been your home,” Liv offered.

  PJ didn’t say no immediately. Did she want to go back to Justice and Liv’s with baby Cole and her family? Did she want to leave Seth? The thought of leaving him made her whole stomach spin in turns that quickly formed a knot the size of the Rock of Gibraltar inside her. She loved Seth.

  “No,” she finally breathed out, “I belong at Seth’s.”

  Liv nodded as if she’d expected her to say that.

  “It’s just. He can’t go buying me a frickin’ car.”

  “He bought you that car?” Liv was stunned.

  PJ just nodded.

  “Wow. That was a really nice car,” Liv teased, trying to make light of it.

  “But I can’t take it.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want people to think I’m using him like some sugar daddy.”

  “Then this isn’t really about him or you. It’s really about what others think?”

  PJ was frustrated with Liv. With herself as well. But she wasn’t some money grabbing millionaire hunter. She didn’t require presents to love Seth. She didn’t want him buying her things and everyone assuming something about what they were both getting out of the relationship, especially after they’d rushed into living together.

  She wanted people to see them and think they were together because they fit. That they belonged to each other because of their hearts not because of his money. And they did. She felt it when they were together. But the world kept creeping in on them just as her past did.

  Liv pulled into the driveway of Seth’s house, and PJ said, “You wanna come in?”

  She didn’t think she sounded as needy as she felt. But going into the house by herself was more than she could take right then.

  “Sure, but just for a few minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  Liv unbuckled the baby, PJ grabbed the mail, and they entered the house. Liv wandered around taking it all in.

  “This is a pretty nice place.”

  “Ugh. See!” PJ said and flopped onto the couch with the mail.

  “See, what?”

  “It’s all over the top.”

  Liv laughed. “You’re crazy, girl. Seriously, this is a nice house. So what? He had it before he met you. He didn’t buy it for you.”

  “But it isn’t a place I’d ever be able to afford. Never in my lifetime.”

  “Well, never is a really long time. You don’t know what life has in store for you.”

  PJ’s hand stopped suddenly on one of the letters. Liv noticed and was at her side immediately.

  “PJ, talk to me,” Liv said.

  PJ waved her aside. “It’s not… It’s not that. It’s a letter from Pratt.”

  PJ tore open the letter. She read it quickly and then turned to Liv with a smile. It was the first good news she’s had in what felt like a century.

  “What?”

  “They want me to start in July. In their summer program. They have a spot for me!”

  “Wow! That’s great?” But Liv said it like it was a question.

  “It is!”

  “I agreed with you,” Liv said.

  “But?”

  “Running away won’t solve your problems.”

  “It isn’t running. I applied to Pratt before any of this.”

  “If that’s what you really want, if that’s what you dream about doing, then you know we will always support you,” Liv said as she lay Cole on t
he couch to dig in the diaper bag.

  “But you don’t think it’s really my dream?” PJ prompted her.

  “I think you don’t know what your dream is.”

  And that hit her in the chest and ticked her off at the same time. Because her admitting she was lost was different from having Liv tell her the same thing.

  “Well, it certainly isn’t living with my boyfriend, spending his money, and attending his shows like a trophy wife on his arm.”

  Liv laughed.

  “He’s practically the same age as you, so you can’t be his trophy wife.”

  PJ rolled her eyes.

  “You need to get over what everyone else thinks. I’m sure there were quite a few people who thought I gave up what I wanted for Justice’s dream.”

  “Anyone who knows Justice knows the gym wasn’t his real dream,” PJ said bitterly.

  Liv looked at her in surprise. “Is that what you think?”

  “It’s what I know. He gave up his dream of being a doctor for me.”

  “For someone so smart, you can be such a dumbass,” Liv said, twisting a teasing tone into her voice to soften the message.

  “You’re telling me that’s not what he wanted?”

  “God, PJ. How long have you thought that?” When PJ didn’t respond, Liv just went on. “He didn’t just give it up to take care of you. He’d realized that he cared about the human body but not enough to cut it up. He wanted to make it strong. The gym isn’t some afterthought or second best. It’s everything he wanted in his life. And I love it too. Not just because he cares about it, but because we help people. We’re both happy there.”

  PJ was surprised that her understanding of Justice’s choices was so different from the reality.

  “Look. If you want to go do this art management thing, then go do it. If that’s what you want for you. But don’t do it because you think people will judge you if you stay. Just like you shouldn’t turn down a gift from the man who loves you because you think people will judge that either. Do what makes you happy. What will fulfill you.”

  After that, the baby got fussy, and Liv said she needed to go. PJ walked her out and helped her get the baby tucked away.