Renegade Cowboy

by Sara Richardson

  This was the opening he needed. “I heard, but we can’t let her stay.”

  “She’s adamant.” Tears filled the woman’s eyes. “After what happened, she won’t leave.”

  “Maybe we can convince her.” He eased in a slow breath and pulled the program brochure out of his back pocket. Hopefully Lulu wouldn’t hate him. “I found this treatment center. In Utah. It’s in the mountains. Looks like the facilities are really nice.” The words rushed out, not giving her a chance to speak. “They focus on healing for the whole person.” Man, he practically knew the brochure by heart. “In addition to the rehab therapies, they do counseling and yoga. Nutritional guidance. Art classes…”

  Lulu didn’t look up. She flipped through the brochure, her hands unsteady. “If I do this, you think Cass would move to Denver?”

  “I do. But even more important, I think this is the only way for you to heal.” If she stayed, she wouldn’t have space from the memories, and she wouldn’t get away from the habits she’d developed to deal with them. “That’s what helped me after Cash passed away.” Even though he regretted it and it’d been wrong to leave Cassidy and Lulu behind without keeping in touch, he’d been able to deal with that pain out on his own. When he went away, all of his crutches were gone. “Gunner made a big difference for me.” Emotion clotted his throat. “Taught me to face up to things, that I couldn’t run away like my mom did. It still took a while, but I made peace with the past.” Sometimes the guilt still haunted him, but trauma could never be fully erased. He just didn’t let it take over the way it used to.

  “It seems like a lovely place…” Though she wouldn’t look at him, he noticed the tears in her eyes.

  “I’ve already talked to them,” he said before he lost the nerve. “They have an opening, and it’s yours if you want it. Everything’s covered financially.” But the decision had to be hers. She had to be ready to take this step.

  Cassidy’s mom set the brochure on the coffee table and sat up, easing her feet to the floor slowly. Sweetie laid her head in Lulu’s lap. “Does Cassidy know?” the woman asked, resting her hand on the dog’s head as though it brought comfort.

  “No. I haven’t talked to her.” Much as he’d tried, he couldn’t keep the dejection out of his tone. But this wasn’t about him and Cass. “I think it should be your decision. And I won’t be offended if you decide not to go. I don’t want you to feel like you were forced into it.” Then it wouldn’t matter how good the program was, it still wouldn’t make a difference. “It seems like a good place to figure out how to live again.” Like Gunner’s ranch had been for him.

  “I want to go,” she said, her voice catching. “I need to go. I never dreamed I’d be able to.” When she looked up at him, tears brimmed over. “It must be so expensive.”

  “It’s worth it.” If it gave her a chance to have a healthy life full of the joy she used to know, it would be worth far more. He patted the dog’s head. “I’ll even take care of Sweetie while you’re away.”

  Lulu squeezed his hand and held on. “I’ll pay you back someday.”

  “I won’t let you.” Hell, he might as well join in the blubbering. “I should’ve been around, Lulu. I should’ve helped you and Cass get through it. You always treated me like your son, and I abandoned you.” But he could do this. He could give her the chance to pick up the pieces of her broken life and create the picture she wanted.

  “You were hurting too.” She sniffled. “And it didn’t matter to me. I still love you like a son. I always have.”

  “I know. I never doubted that.” Though he’d definitely doubted that he deserved it.

  “Cash would be so proud of you.” Lulu patted his cheek like he was a boy again. “And he’d be thrilled to know you were taking care of his sister.”

  He was glad she thought so. “Cass is definitely not thrilled with me at the moment. But I don’t want you to tell her that I’m the one who paid for the program.” He wasn’t trying to force her to come back to him. “Please. I don’t want her to feel like she owes me something. I just want her to be able to chase her dreams.”

  “What am I supposed to say?”

  “Tell her it was a scholarship.” That wouldn’t be a lie. He would be paying the place directly. It wasn’t like he was giving Lulu the money as a gift.

  “Fine. I won’t tell her. But she’ll come around eventually,” Lulu said with a firm nod. “Her fears are my fault, I’m afraid. She’s done everything herself for so long. Now she doesn’t know how to let someone else do things for her.”

  “This time she doesn’t have a choice.”

  * * *

  “It’s…nice.” Cassidy walked around the empty living room, still unable to believe she was here. In Denver. Looking at a townhome to rent near the hospital. When her mother told her she’d gotten into a thirty-day program at a treatment center, Cassidy had sobbed with relief. She’d gone from feeling helpless to feeling like things would work out, like her mother would truly get better this time. Even though she’d offered to accompany Lulu to Utah, her mother insisted that she go ahead with her plans to move, so here she was, on a whirlwind trip to Denver, trying to get everything settled.

  “Sure. It’s a nice place.” Darla lingered by the large bay window that looked out onto a quaint neighborhood street.

  “You don’t sound convinced.” She tried to keep her tone light, but they’d already looked at four places, and this was definitely the best option. Maybe she should’ve brought Jessa instead. Darla could be so picky, and they didn’t exactly have much time. Sure, the place was small and basic—no frills except for the old brick hearth and the bench seat in the window—but the price was right.

  “It feels a little lonely, that’s all.” Darla turned to face her. “But maybe that fits you best right now.”

  Here we go. Cassidy inwardly groaned. It was hard to believe they’d made the whole trip to Denver without Darla mentioning Levi once. She should’ve known it was too good to be true.

  “How long are you planning to avoid him?” Beating around the bush was not one of her friend’s strengths. Yep, Cassidy definitely should’ve invited Jessa.

  “I’m not avoiding anyone. I’m moving.” There were a million details to take care of, and she’d willingly buried herself under them, not coming up once to think about what had happened between her and Levi.

  Darla crossed the room and stood directly in front of her. “Jessa told me you ordered her to text you every time she thought Levi might be headed to your house.” The woman’s sculpted eyebrows rose into accusatory peaks, a silent don’t bother denying it.

  Busted. “I’m not ready to see him.”

  “So you don’t want to see him because you’re mad at him?” her friend asked as though she was taking a blind shot in the dark.

  “I’m not mad.” She had no reason to be angry with Levi, as her dear mother kept pointing out.

  “Okay. You don’t want to see him because he was an ass to you?” Darla knew that hadn’t been the case, so she was obviously trying to make a point.

  “No,” Cassidy snapped. “He definitely wasn’t an ass.” Yes, he’d neglected to tell her about Lulu’s drinking, but she could forgive that.

  “I’m sorry. Then why aren’t you with him instead of me? Why isn’t he here helping you look for a place where you guys can have rowdy cowboy sex every time he comes home from a road trip?”

  “He wants this big commitment.” And what if she did it? What if she built this wonderful relationship with him and then she lost him? God, when Dev had told her Lulu had been in an accident, fear had knocked her down. Familiar. Overpowering. Debilitating. It had brought back all of that trauma, remembering how fast you could lose someone. “I need to focus on Mom. And Levi is going on the road again anyway.” He’d move on.

  “You’re grasping,” Darla informed her as though bored by her excuses.

  “I’m being careful.” She had the right to protect her heart.

  “I know how h
ard it is to lose someone you love,” her friend said. “Trust me. But you can’t let that stop you from loving someone else. From what I could tell, Levi made you happy.”

  Cassidy wouldn’t deny it, but that didn’t mean she would acknowledge it either. “You don’t love anyone, and you’re fine.”

  “You’re using me as an example?” Darla made a show out of rolling her eyes. “Don’t. I’m having fun playing the field. I might want to play the field forever. I love a lot of men.”

  “Maybe I want to play the field.”

  “Mmm-hmmm.” Somehow her friend could infuse sarcasm even into wordless syllables. “All right. That’s it. I’ve had enough.” She walked to the window and sat down on the bench seat, patting the space next to her.

  “The property manager is waiting outside,” Cassidy reminded her. “We really should go sign the papers.”

  The woman crossed her arms. “Sit.”

  Cassidy did as she was told but rebelled with a disgruntled sigh.

  “How’d your mom get into that place again?” Darla asked with a sideways glance.

  “Some scholarship.” She’d explained that already. “Mom applied, and they offered it to her.”

  Darla sighed extra loud. “Where do you think that money came from, Cass?”

  “Uh…well…I guess…I don’t know,” she stammered. She hadn’t thought much about it, but the look in her friend’s sharp, dark eyes made her heart drop. “It’s Levi’s money, isn’t it?” She should’ve realized that, should’ve known he would do something, even when she’d asked him to stay out of it.

  For once, Darla’s smile was more sad than sassy. “That boy loves you. So much that he wanted to make sure you could live your dream, even though it didn’t include him.”

  Cassidy closed her eyes against the sting of tears. If she’d let herself dream—really dream—it would include him. “Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t Mom tell me?”

  “He didn’t want you to know,” Darla said. “He didn’t do it to manipulate you into coming back to him. He’s probably going to kill me for this. But I’m only telling you because I know you love him, too. When you let yourself.”

  A sob broke open the dam, and Cassidy let her face fall to her hands. “I do love him. But things were so hard. I couldn’t do it all. I didn’t know what would happen with Mom…” Her throat burned too much to continue making excuses.

  “Honey,” Darla rubbed her shoulder sympathetically, but her tone was stern. “I think maybe it’s time for you to stop hiding behind your mother’s problems.”

  Cassidy raised her head. “She could’ve killed herself in that car.”

  “Yes. She could have,” Darla acknowledged quietly. “But she’s a grown-ass adult. In her sixties. Would it be such a bad thing for you to let her stand on her own two feet instead of always running in to rescue her?”

  “She needs me,” Cassidy whispered. “She’s always needed me.” For six years she’d been her mother’s caregiver.

  “What do you need?”

  It hadn’t mattered. She made sure she didn’t need anything. Or anyone…

  Her friend tugged on her hand until Cassidy stood. “I want you to look around this place again, Cass. Picture your life here—your future—without Levi. Is that really what you want? Because you can’t have any regrets.”

  The empty room seemed to double in size. Darla was right. It was cold and lonely with the white walls and the beige carpet. But she could see Levi building a fire in that little fireplace. She could see a goofy picture of them on the mantle. Even with all the risks it posed, Levi would fill her life with happiness and laughter and love. God, he was so good at loving her, even when she’d done her best not to let him.

  “I can’t picture a life without him.” She couldn’t imagine it—never hearing that lilt in his voice when he teased her. He didn’t use that tone with anyone else. She couldn’t imagine never feeling his hand press into the small of her back so intimately. She couldn’t imagine never touching her lips to his again, or never having that blinding rush when he slipped his hand into hers.

  She bolted for the front door. “We have to go.” She had to find him and kiss him and then tell him she needed him. She did. She needed his laugh and his hard-earned wisdom and his wit. She needed him in her life forever.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  She looks like me.”

  Levi gazed down at baby Charlotte, studying the button-point of her nose. She was unbelievably tiny, and every time he held her, he almost feared he’d break her. It was a good fear though. It made him want to protect her forever. He’d never had any interest whatsoever in babies, but ever since Charlotte had been born, he’d started to crave the feel of a warm, weighted bundle snuggled tightly in his arms.

  Seeing as how he typically didn’t help with the kitchen cleanup, he’d been put on baby duty. It’d become his favorite time of day. “Look at that. She has my nose.” Slender and pointed. “Perfect, if I do say so myself. Lucky girl.”

  “Stop insulting my daughter,” Lucas called from the kitchen island, where he was wrapping up the last scraps of the brisket they’d shared for dinner.

  Charlotte started to whimper. Levi hadn’t quite figured out how to stop that from happening yet.

  “Yeah,” Lance threw in from where he stood at the sink, doing the dishes, “watch what you say. You made her cry.”

  “No I didn’t,” Levi cooed. “Did I? You love your uncle Levi.” He bounced her gently until the whimpering settled into a contented sigh. “You’re lucky you inherited my genes,” he whispered loud enough for his brothers to hear. “Well, mine and your mom’s. She’s pretty great too.” He winked at Naomi, who was resting on the recliner near where Luis and Evie sat on the couch reading a story to Gracie.

  “All three of you are spitting images of one another.” Jessa always hated to be left out of an argument.

  While the three brothers groaned in unison, she dried the platter Lance handed to her.

  “It’s true!” Jessa looked to Naomi for confirmation. “You all have the same coloring, the same facial structure.”

  “Definitely,” Naomi agreed, resting her head back and closing her eyes as though she was ready for a nap.

  “I’ve been told Charlotte has my chin,” Lucas threw in. He strode over and stole his daughter out of Levi’s arms.

  “Cut me some slack.” Levi slumped into a chair. “So I’m hoping my niece has a few of my traits. Someone should. I’ll probably never have kids of my own.” Not if Cass walked away from him for good. He only wanted her. Her courage and compassion. Her strength. Her hot mountain-biker legs…

  She’d completely ruined him for wanting other women.

  “Aw, Levi.” Naomi lifted her head. “I’m sure Cassidy’ll come around.”

  “I can’t believe you’re letting her move away.” Jessa tossed her dish towel to the counter and came over.

  “It’s because he loves her.” Naomi sighed, her eyes shining with pride. “I think it’s the sweetest thing in the world.” She snatched a Kleenex from the end table.

  Gracie giggled. “Mom, are you crying again?”

  “Damn hormones,” Naomi muttered.

  “She wouldn’t be happy staying here.” That was what killed him the most. “Not when she was forced to walk away from an opportunity like that.” He’s seen it in her eyes the first time she’d told him about it—that telltale shine. She’d been ecstatic. How could he let her give up on that?

  Jessa trudged to the couch and sat with a heavy sigh. “I know you did it for her, but we’ll miss her so much.”

  Lucas carefully brought the baby up to his shoulder and burped her. “Gotta say…I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “He’s whipped,” Lance said in disbelief.

  Levi didn’t deny it. “A lot of good it’s do—”

  The doorbell rang, and they all traded looks. No one rang the doorbell at Lance and Jessa’s house. Most people walked right in.
/>   Levi stood. “I’ll get it.” Since no one else had moved and he was closest to the door.

  Even before he opened it, he knew Cassidy would be there. He felt it in the hard throb of his heart. He took the few steps quickly and swung open the door.

  She stood a few feet away, her posture tentative.

  “Hi.” A note of uncertainty gave her voice a breathless quality.

  “Hi.” Jesus, she was beautiful. Body humming, he stepped out onto the porch, but not before Jessa squealed behind him.

  “It’s her!”

  With a roll of his eyes, he pulled the door shut.

  Cassidy gazed up at him, a smile flickering on her lips. “You were all talking about me, huh?”

  He found it difficult to speak. Didn’t want to mess this up. Didn’t want to watch her walk away from him again like she had at the hospital. “Uh yeah. Just talking about how much we’ll miss you after you move.”

  “I’m not moving.” Her smile stayed brave. “But it’s okay. I’m fine with it.”

  Well, he wasn’t. “You have to go.” He moved closer to her, not caring anymore if he scared her away. “This is something you’ve been working toward for years.” He couldn’t imagine how she’d done it, how she’d gone to school and worked full time, all while trying to support her mom.

  “Here’s the thing…” She drew in a breath and raised her head, gazing up into his eyes with a steadfast tenacity. “I focused on school and work and my mom for so long because I needed to. I needed the distraction from my own grief.” She bit into her lip and seemed to search for more words. “I thought if I finally did this—if I made it into that program—I would be happy. I would feel fulfilled and whole, and I could let the past go. But then it happened…”

  Cass paced in front of him, shaking her head as she worked out the sentences. “I got into the program, and I started making plans to leave.” With an abrupt pause, she turned back to him. “But then you kissed me that night in the front yard. That’s when I felt it. Fulfilled and whole. Not so burdened by the past. And it scared me because that wasn’t the plan. I was supposed to leave and keep holding on to my career. I wasn’t supposed to need you…” She inched close enough that he could see the faint freckles across her nose, the silvery flecks in her teary eyes.