No Regrets

by Atkinson, Lila

  “Josh,” I threaten, but it’s useless. He’s right.

  “They were on the swim team together which meant they got to hang out a lot even though they weren’t in the same class. Everyone was pretty friendly and Henry’s senior year, he started flirting with her a little.” Josh makes a sympathetic face. “Even though it’s all pretty friendly, it was obvious to everyone that there was something going on between them. We all thought he’d ask her out.”

  Tricia cuts in. A little too eagerly, I may add. “Around this time, the date for senior prom was announced and all the upperclassmen began asking girls to go. A lot of the seniors ask juniors, so many of the girls in our class already had dates. Brian Merchant, a good friend of Henry’s, asked me to go with him. During all this, Henry remains suspiciously dateless except for the fact he’s hanging out more and more with our group and continuing to flirt shamelessly with Zadie.”

  “So did he ask you to go with him?” Davey asks.

  “Worse,” Josh says dramatically. “He doesn’t ask Zadie but goes around and tells everyone he is going to ask her, then ultimately doesn’t. In fact, he didn’t even go. He had a family wedding or something out of town.”

  “Ouch,” Davey says. My friends nod in agreement.

  “That’s not even the worst part,” Tricia says. They both look at me and I study my nails. “No one would ask her because he told everyone he was going to take her,” Tricia adds.

  “Wow,” Davey says, eyes wide. “So he marked his territory, not wanting anyone else to ask you, but then didn’t even go.”

  “That’s how I see it,” Josh says. “But it doesn’t end there.”

  “I think Davey’s heard enough,” I say.

  Josh rolls his eyes. “Hurt and furious, Zadie called a friend of her family who went to the all-boys catholic school and asked him to be her date.”

  Davey nods approvingly. “Smart move. Is he cute?”

  “Carter is drop dead gorgeous,” Tricia says. “She showed up looking like she fell out of the pages of a fashion magazine.”

  “Whatever,” I say, but it’s true. I looked hot.

  “Then she and Carter made out on the dance floor, left together and disappeared into my bedroom at the post prom party at my house,” Josh continues. “From the hallway we heard the bed rocking and creaking. Zadie entered the room a girl and came out a woman.”

  “Oh my God. Shut up,” I say, but we all start to laugh. “He’s full of shit. That never happened.”

  “But everyone thought it did,” Tricia says. “The plan was to make Henry jealous for ditching her.”

  Davey looks incredulous. “Did it work?”

  I shrug, ignoring the pain in my chest. “I don’t know. We never spoke to one another again. Until today.”

  “Wow,” Davey says.

  “Zadie changed her entire social standing that day. She no longer needed Henry Fletcher and he was graduating anyway. She lost her V card, at least the school thought so, and she ended up pretty popular.”

  “Too popular. That’s why I went to Elton. To get away from everyone. I wanted a clean break.”

  “But you ended up back here anyway?” Davey asks.

  “Yep.” I try not to show my defeat.

  Josh senses my discomfort and shifts the conversation. “Forget the past. Let’s talk about the present. Did you get to see him in a Speedo?”

  “No.” I gulp at the thought. He looked pretty good in one back in high school. I could only imagine it got better.

  “This is going to be awesome,” Tricia says evilly. “Watching you freak out all summer.”

  “I’m not freaking out,” I say, crossing my arms in an attempt to look non-freaking. I mutter, “Traitor.” under my breath.

  “Whatever,” Josh says. Tricia gives me a not-nice grin. They know me too well. The only one remotely sympathetic is Davey and I suspect that will change soon enough.

  “You know hot guys are sort of my kryptonite, especially Henry.”

  “That’s the dumbest thing ever,” Josh laughs. “I mean, we’re friends and I’m like the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  “Shut up.” I stick my tongue out at both of them. “Henry was really mean to me.”

  Tricia’s face softens. “I’m sure he and Tate have both grown up. Maybe it will be fun.”

  “Douchey? Clueless? Self-absorbed?” I ask. “I’m not sensing a lot of change happened, other than getting better looking.”

  “Ouch,” Tricia cringes.

  “And called me ‘pipsqueak’.”

  Her hand clasps over her mouth. “No.”

  “What?” Davey asks, but I cut them off by pointing at the TV.

  “Oh look, Yetis,” I say, and make my escape. I leave my roommates to their nonsense. In my room, I peel off my red lifeguard suit and crawl into pajamas, done with this day.

  Chapter Two

  The last four weeks of spring semester take on a rhythm. School, work, home. Exams are brutal but I manage to get through them. Since I’m a transfer, I have to catch up on some final core classes. At my old, tiny school my classes were small and the professors knew me. There was no way to blow off a class. Here? A small class has two hundred students. The teacher is more likely to be a TA and doesn’t care if you pass or fail. It’s weird but I like the invisibility. Even if it means I have to work harder.

  Home is never a problem. Tricia and Josh make everything fun. I can’t believe I left them to go away last year. Thank God, they gave me a place to stay and support when I needed it. No questions asked. It’s so weird. What I thought would be good for me, a small school with a close campus community, ended up being a noose around my neck.

  Work? Well work has turned me into a basket case. Henry keeps scheduling me to work with Tate, which is okay, I guess. Other than the fact he’s lazy and flirts non-stop. With everyone. Well, anyone with a D-cup and blonde hair.

  Unfortunately, or fortunately (not sure which) for me, my hair is reddish-brown and my boobs are solidly in the B+ range. Tate still hits on me though, but it’s pretty obvious he’s not serious about it. I’m not sure he can stop himself. It’s like it’s programmed in his DNA.

  “So Pip,” he says one afternoon. “You got a boyfriend?”

  “Huh?” He looks at me expectantly. I wasn’t ever sure if he even knew I was there or not. Not between the rotating sorority girls that tended to ‘drop by’ during his shifts.

  “Boyfriend. Do you have one?”

  I shake my head. I had one but I don’t mention it. That ship has sailed. “No.”

  He’s only making conversation though, because he simply shrugs, going back to his book.

  After a week of working, I’d secretly hoped to snag a shift with Henry or at least see him in passing, but nothing. How he lives in my apartment baffles me. I haven’t seen him once since moving in.

  “Pip,” Tate calls. He’s got an armful of lane rope. “Come help me put these in.”

  I walk over and make a face. “That means I have to get in the water.”

  “You’re a lifeguard. Getting in the water is part of the job description,” he says.

  I pull off my shirt and shorts, piling them on a bench against the wall. Tate’s eyes are all over me. I’m not an idiot. I know he wants to check me out in my bathing suit. Sadly, it’s the required red guard suit that reveals nothing but he’s a pervert so I’ve probably made his day.

  I hop in the water, yelping at the cold. “Damn,” I say, turning around. To my surprise Tate’s taken off his shirt and has jumped in the water next to me. Holy Jesus, his chest. Josh wasn’t lying about him looking better than ever.

  “It’s easier if we’re both in the water,” he explains, swimming past me.

  I eye him warily but he stays on one end of the pool and we adjust the lane ropes. Once we finish, I hoist myself out of the pool, shrieking in surprise when I stand up.

  “Holy crap!” I yell in Henry’s face. I wobble on the edge of the pool and he grab
s my arm, stopping me from falling backwards.

  “You okay?” he asks, still clinging to my arm even though I’m upright.

  “Yeah, thanks.” My towel hangs from the back of the guard chair and I quickly wrap it around my body. I finally get a chance to see Henry again and this is how I look. Dripping wet like a drowned rat in a lame one-piece suit. Perfect.

  By perfect, I mean he’s perfect. Longish brown hair. Ice blue eyes. Warm tan skin even though it’s not summer yet. Every emotion from every minute I spent crushing on him in school comes bubbles to the surface. Including the defeat and sadness.

  “Hey dude, got your check?” Tate says, drying off with a towel.

  “Yeah, heading to the bank before it closes.”

  They stand close and talk about something. Parties or friends. Maybe math class? I have no idea. They don’t seem to notice me and I feel like an eavesdropper so I grab my towel and clothes and head to the office to change.

  When I come out, Henry’s gone, but a stick-straight-haired blonde Tri-Delt has taken his place. Tate gives me a wink when I walk past to finish cleaning up the pool before closing.

  Another day, another girl. Guess things haven’t changed much after all.

  *

  “You saw him having sex in the locker room?” Tricia asked. She held a piece of pizza in her hand, but her mouth hung open in shock over my idiotic coworker.

  “Yes. It was…how do I describe it?” I consider. “Equal parts gross and hot.”

  I’m explaining to Tricia about how I walked in on Tate and his girl of the week banging in the locker room a couple of days before. He had her pressed against the metal doors, pants around his hips. I could see the two dimples over his ass and wow. I bolted before I got caught being a creeping creeper.

  “I can see that,” Tricia says.

  “Once was enough. Now I clean up everything and leave the men’s changing room to him. As long as I don’t have to see it, I guess I don’t care.”

  If I thought getting caught would change his behavior I was wrong. Each shift was the same. Another girl. Another duck into a quiet corner. He never mentioned it to me, but I knew that when I didn’t tattle on him the first time I’d sealed my fate as his perverse sort of wing-woman.

  “I’m not even pissed about the sex thing. I mean, it’s gross and what’s wrong with those girls for degrading themselves like that, but it’s like he doesn’t even consider the fact I’m there or that this could be weird for me.”

  “To be fair he’s never noticed you—or anyone without a record of slutty behavior—much. Why should it be any different now than it was in high school? You’ll probably always be ‘Pip’ to him and Henry.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I thought I’d come out of my shell, you know? I moved away for a year. I had a boyfriend. I don’t dress in all black, head to toe. That whole episode with Carter and prom changed me a lot.”

  “You have changed, but guys like Tate Christensen aren’t going to notice unless you fit into a certain mold. And why do you care? You’re never been into him.”

  “I know,” I grumble, picking at the goat cheese on my pizza.

  “But Henry is a different situation.” She pushes her glasses up her nose. She’s transformed, too. Nerdy hot. Geeks are in, and I’m not surprised she’s adapted so well. She’s always been cute, and when she figured out how to tame her bushy red hair and freckles, she turned into a knockout. “Do you still like him?”

  I push my plate away. “I don’t know. Seriously,” I say when she gives me a disbelieving look. “I feel like he doesn’t get how much he hurt me, you know? I want an apology, but he just acts like nothing happened.”

  Tricia frowns. “Tell him to fuck off.”

  “He’s sort of my boss, I can’t tell him to fuck off.”

  “Tell on him—he has a boss right?”

  I cross my hands over my chest. “I’m not a rat.”

  She picks up her pizza and takes a huge bite. She chews slowly and lifts her shoulders at me. “I guess you’re screwed,” she says. “Unless you figure some way to get him by the balls.”

  “I don’t want to touch his balls,” I say, but my mind wanders to Henry and what he looks like with his shirt off and what his body would feel like under mine. Fine. His balls, too.

  “Okay so you can’t tell him to f-off. Make a move. Take control of the situation this time. Show him you’re a hot, desirable, independent woman. Make him want you the way you’ve always wanted him. It worked before.”

  “It didn’t work at all. We never spoke again.”

  “Well, then what do you want?” she asks. “For serious.”

  “Seriously?” I ask. “I want him to admit that he hurt me and that he knew what he was doing. I want him give me the respect I deserve. And sure, I want him to want me. All of that is easier said than done. I can tell he either doesn’t remember what happened back then or he doesn’t care. And trust me, he doesn’t want me any more now than he did then.”

  “How do you know?”

  I laugh bitterly. “I know, okay?”

  “Oh well,” Tricia says, shrugging her shoulders. “I guess you’re not really the bad ass you thought you were.

  “What does that mean?”

  “If you were, you wouldn’t stop until Henry Fletcher was begging you to go out with him.”

  I throw a napkin at her, wishing it was something harder, but she’s right. I command my life. I am master of my destiny. Why do I let other people control my choices? I’m young and attractive. There’s no reason I can’t spend the summer ruining these guys’ lives the way they’ve managed to ruin mine.

  “If I wanted to make Henry Fletcher beg me to go out with him, how do you think I would go about that?” I ask.

  “Are you for real?” The crease between her eyebrows deepens as she tries to figure me out.

  “Totally.”

  “Then we need a plan,” she says. “Because if you don’t have one, you and your big mouth will fuck this up.”

  We both know it’s true. This is what happened with me and Carter. Sure, Henry was a jerk for leaving me dateless but my method of revenge only sealed the fate of our relationship. Once the rumors came out about me and Carter he backed off completely.

  “Okay,” I say. “I can stick to a plan.” Anxiety surges in my veins, because once I go down this path there’s no turning back, but for once I just want to rush forward. No matter where it takes me.

  *

  I walk into the meeting room with my chin held high. After my talk with Tricia and a large yogurt with Gummi bears, I decide she’s right. I’m better than this. I’m better than Tate’s lackey at work. I’m hotter than any of the girls Henry dated in school. I’m their equal. No, I’m better, and I want him to admit it.

  I decide to prove it when Cindy calls all the guards into her office for a meeting to discuss the summer schedule. I dress a little nicer than our normal work uniform. Tight green T-shirt. Cut-off shorts. Sandals with a wedged heel. It’s not much, but it’s noticeable. Am I cheapening myself to get a guy’s interest and make him regret his choices? Yep.

  I call it Operation Payback.

  “Hey,” I say sitting next to Henry. I try not to let his pretty blue eyes that contrast off of his dark, shaggy, just-got-out-of-bed hair, sway me.

  “I’m worth it,” I mumble under my breath.

  “What?”

  “Oh, um,” I falter. “I hope this meeting’s worth it. I have a ton of work to do.”

  “Yeah, I’m ready for this semester to be done,” he replies.

  I notice he’s got paint under his nails.

  “Do you still take art?” I ask, leaning over the desk causally and pointing to his fingers.

  His eyes flick to my chest and then to his hands. “I’m an art major. How did you remember that?”

  “I remember almost everything about high school.”

  He snorts. “I remember enough,
but that’s the good thing about weed. You don’t have to worry about shit getting you down for long, right?”

  Henry was always the different one out of the group, a little more artsy and creative. I smoked up with him and the other boys in Brian Merchant’s crappy garage in high school a couple of times. Tricia had a crush on Brian and dragged me over there. We’d sit in the hot, greasy garage passing joints, getting high and talking about nonsense. Unlike Tate, Henry did give me the time of day. Joking around and teasing me. I thought it meant he liked me. This should have been sign number one that my instincts about guys were shoddy.

  “I hate these meetings,” he says.

  “The shine hasn’t worn off this job for me yet. My last one was a nightmare.”

  “I’m not sure this one will be any better but it’s pretty easy.” He crosses his legs, bouncing his flip flop off his toes.

  Tate walks in the room and it’s like the sky parts, dropping an angel from heaven. I hear a gasp behind me from a girl and two others murmur to one another. He props himself on the edge of the desk and starts flirting with one of the girls.

  “He’s such a wanker,” Henry says.

  I laugh. “What? You guys are friends, right?”

  “Since the fifth grade, but it’s true. Look, I’ll say it to his face,” he says. “Dude, stop being such a wanker.”

  Tate flips him off and Cindy walks in and shoots him a disapproving look.

  “Alright guys, let’s get started,” Cindy says from the front of the room. “Starting in two weeks, everyone will split into different jobs. Three of you will run the outdoor pool while the others will stay on a rotating schedule indoors. I need a couple of you on camp duty—which is an overnight twice a month job.”

  “Where are you working?” Henry asks.

  “I’m not sure,” I say but I’ve got a plan. I’m not up to a whole summer of Tate and his locker room booty calls. I’m going to wait and see where he signs up and pick elsewhere.

  “I’ve got seniority and plan on taking an outdoor position,” Henry says. “It’s fun, you should work with us.”