Let Me Be the One

by Lily Foster

  “Yeah it does. It hurts because one day I want that so much with Jenna. And it hurts because I’m relieved that it’s not happening now and that makes me feel like a total shit.”

  “I’m sorry, Dan.”

  Ben came back in then and Dan changed the subject back to me. “So what really happened tonight?”

  “Liz followed me into the bathroom and tried to get with me but I turned her down, nicely.”

  Dan shook his head. “You know she’s been saying shit to Darcy off and on all year? Jenna told me. She’s a fucking bitch, Tom.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Basically talking shit about how you are between the sheets, how you love her blow jobs, how you’ve done half the campus, and not to get too comfortable because you aren’t just going to be with one girl. So I can see why Darcy has been starting to think you’re an asshole. She sees this girl chatting you up, obviously flirting with you, and you do nothing to discourage her. And then this today—”

  “Nothing to discourage her?”

  “Yeah. Why were they starting to sit with us at lunch? Come to the parties again? If you’re not discouraging her, then with a girl like Liz, you’re encouraging her. It’s like that first night this fall at the rugby party. I was even a little confused by your behavior. I knew you were into Darcy but you didn’t push all those other girls away. You didn’t make it absolutely clear to them that the attention was not welcome.”

  That was it, up came the tequila and beer. I managed to make my way back to the couch and flopped down. Dan just shook his head. “Go to sleep, Tom. Tomorrow’s another day. I’ll talk to Darcy if I see her tonight. I’ll tell her what happened”

  Didn’t think that would change a thing at this point.

  She was done with me.

  Darcy

  “I can’t believe there’s not some weird story behind this, Darce. I just can’t believe he’d do it.”

  We drove into town and were sitting having a bottle of red wine. Correction, Jenna was having club soda. I was having a bottle of wine. I rolled my eyes. “You didn’t see what I did, Jenna. It is what it is. I’m over it. He deserves her. I hope they get married and have skank-ugly babies together.”

  “Darcy, I feel like I caused this in some way.”

  “Please, Jenna, stop. I know what you’re thinking and that’s crap. Better I learned now that if the going gets tough, he’s not reliable.”

  “I hate her so much, Darcy. She’s a plotting, manipulative bitch.”

  “He didn’t look like he was unhappy, Jenna.” I shook my head, my anger replaced with exhaustion. “I can’t believe it either. I can’t believe he’d end things between us for her. I don’t know what actually happened but it really doesn’t change anything, does it?”

  “Darcy, don’t make any final decisions. I want to kick Tom in the balls right now but you love Tom and I know, I know, he loves you.”

  “Do you think there’s a reason…is there something about me that makes things not work out right? I know I sound like an idiot but really, I want you to tell me Jenna, if you think …if it’s me.”

  “Darcy, no! That’s all I’m saying on that subject, no.”

  I answered when I saw Chris’s name flash on my screen. I managed to laugh a little before I answered with, “See, Chris, I told you I shouldn’t have gone to that party.”

  “Holy shit, Darcy. Are you ok? I feel so bad for bringing you there.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I really don’t know what the fuck we walked in on. I don’t dislike many people but I think that bitch is trash.”

  I tried to answer but I sounded like I was croaking, holding back the tears that were coming again. “Darcy, he said we’d gotten it all wrong. I don’t know what I believe but I just wanted you to know Tom said that. Hey, you want me to come over? I can bring my collection of Jim Carrey movies and we can get shitfaced and just laugh.”

  “Thanks, Chris, but I think I’m just going to crash.”

  Jenna texted Dan before she drove back. He wanted to be with her, to stay with her and hold her every night since everything had happened. Dan was there waiting when we walked in. He kissed Jenna’s cheek and then grabbed me in a tight hug. “Hey, Darce, I’d ask if you’re ok but I know you’re not. Look, he said nothing happened and I believe him. He’s not that much of a dick.” I said nothing and then Dan went on, “He said she followed him into the bathroom and she tried, hence the undone pants, but he pushed her off.”

  “Poor, defenseless Tom. I think I’m going to be sick with the visual on that.”

  Dan looked down at the floor. “Yeah, Darcy, I know. He’s not looking too innocent right now.”

  “I feel like I hate him.”

  “Darcy, I know you’re hurt now but I know he loves you. I’ve known him for a long time. He was never into anyone, Morgan or anyone else, like he is with you. He is all kinds of messed up right now.”

  I felt empty. Like I had nothing left. As he went to follow Jenna upstairs he said, “Just hear him out, Darcy. Seriously, you’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t tell you to give him another chance if I thought he’d intentionally hurt you.”

  Tom didn’t come by that night. Sunday nothing either. I couldn’t “hear him out” because he wasn’t talking. And after yesterday there was no way I was going to him.

  Beth, Caitlin, and Rene looked worried and were walking on eggshells around me. The only upside to this situation is that the rest of our roommates were distracted by my misery and didn’t really notice what was going on with Jenna. That was for the best.

  They staged an intervention Sunday night. The girls dragged me out to the movies and we went to have a bite after. I felt like I couldn’t even stomach one onion ring. “I know you’re trying to keep my mind off of everything girls, thanks.”

  Beth grabbed my hand, “I’m sick over this, Darcy. I hate saying this to you but we all love Tom. Love him with you.”

  Caitlin pushed, “Just tell her, Beth.”

  I raised my eyebrows when she didn’t say anything. “What, Beth?”

  “I saw Liz last night. Marcus heard from Ben what had happened, so I knew. Can you believe after all that she had the nerve to show up at Cara’s party? Those girls don’t even like her; it’s not like she was welcome there. Anyway, when I saw Liz I lost it. I called her every nasty word I know and then threw a full beer at her. I looked like a maniac. I’m actually pretty ashamed of how I reacted even though I do hate her.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  Beth didn’t answer right away. After a few moments she looked down. “She came right back at me, screaming in my face. She said we think we know Tom but we don’t. She said Tom had been sneaking off to get with her while he was with Morgan and nothing has changed now that he’s with you.”

  Rene jumped in, “I don’t believe her. She’s a low life and I really don’t think Tom would do that to you.”

  Caitlin added, “Think about it, Darcy. When would he have been able to sneak off to her? He was glued to your side twenty-four-seven up until a few weeks ago.”

  “I think she’s full of it too. But even if things happened the way he claimed to Dan, I don’t know…things have been going wrong between us. Everything is a mess. There’s a part of me that just wants to walk away. I have other things I need to focus on.”

  Rene took my hand. “You don’t mean that. Don’t build up this wall around yourself. Maybe you can’t see because you’re too close but I’m looking from the outside. You may not ever find another Tom. He loves you. Don’t throw that away.”

  “Rene, he hasn’t even attempted to contact me. He hasn’t tried to explain this to me. He’s leaving me twisting in the wind. If he loves me so much, where is he?”

  Tom

  She walked away from me in the quad. She walked away from me at the hospital that morning. I would bet the farm that if I tried talking to her now she was walking away again.

  Part of me wanted t
o go to her but the urge to wallow alone in this was taking over. I was pretty much avoiding everyone and people were avoiding me. Chris walked right by me on his way to class. Rene and Caitlin saw me as I walked through the Commons at lunch and then looked away when I met their gaze. I didn’t answer when Ben or Dan tried to reach out to me. Most of the week I was hardly home so I wouldn’t run into them. I went to class but didn’t hear a word the professors said. I went to gym but wasn’t really doing much of anything in the weight room. I had this strong urge to go home but I didn’t want my parents to see me like this. I’d put them through enough. And with them I wouldn’t be able to hide what was going on. I felt like I had a crushing weight on my chest and I looked like crap.

  On Thursday, I saw her walking into the library. She didn’t notice me but I was close enough to see her slumped shoulders, her blank expression and the fact that her clothes looked like they were hanging off her. I felt so torn—angry and sad—when I saw her. Part of me wanted to run up, grab her, and hold onto her for dear life but I was also fucking mad at her too. She’d pushed me away how many times? Maybe I wasn’t justified but I was mad that she so easily thought the worst of me. That “maybe I don’t really know you” crap was eating at me. She did really know me and if I wasn’t good enough in her eyes, well then we didn’t really have a chance.

  Friday night Liz and her roommates were having a party; she texted me the invite. I thought about texting back something like: I’d rather contract gonorrhea but decided it was probably best to just ignore her completely. I had done a lot of thinking about that part of the equation this week and I knew, for that, Darcy had a reason to be angry. In my defense, though, I didn’t know everything. If I had known the bullshit Liz was saying to Darcy, I never would have been the least bit friendly to Liz. But if the shoe was on the other foot, even without all that, I know I wouldn’t have been cool with Darcy sitting around chatting up an old flame and his buddies. But did she really think I was that low? That I was someone who could pledge my love to her one day but secretly be looking to get with someone else the next? That ate me up. Maybe she was, despite everything that had happened over the last few months, always going to see me a certain way, always going to hang my past over my head.

  As I was skulking around campus that Friday night, doing my best to avoid everyone on their way to their respective drink-ups, I ran right into Nick. Last person I wanted to see. “What’s up, Tom?”

  I barely looked up. “Hey.”

  “You want to go grab a beer?”

  “No offense, Nick, but we’re not commiserating over this shit together, ok?”

  “Hurts like a motherfucker, right?” When I didn’t answer he practically spat, “She can’t say I didn’t warn her. Fuck you…brother.”

  I just walked away. When I knew Dan, Ben, and the rest of the guys would be gone I headed back home, got into bed, and stared at the ceiling. Dan, of course, came back for me at one point during the night. When he knocked on my door I didn’t answer and when he poked his head in I had my arm draped over my face, pretending to be asleep. He knew I wasn’t; the same set of misery-laced songs were blasting from my speakers, playing on repeat. Dan let me be.

  I knew that if I walked over to Darcy’s place, there was a good chance she was doing the same as me. Darcy liked to have fun but she wasn’t all about the party. I thought about going to her a hundred times but something held me back.

  Chapter Nine

  Darcy

  A whole week and…nothing. Was he was mad at me? That would be delusional. I thought, and I’d hoped, that Tom would have come to me to work it out by last Sunday morning. But this was too long. Too much time was passing and things were just becoming sour. I wasn’t confident that we were going to come through this anymore.

  I’d never thought of myself as a stubborn person but maybe I was. That word heartache? I literally ached in my chest. I knew if I was giving advice to someone else I would tell them to stop being stubborn and go to him but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I was hurt. Hurt that he had let someone get between us. Hurt that he wasn’t crawling on the ground to make it right with me. Hurt that it seemed like he was cutting me loose, just like I was doing to him.

  The girls tried to convince me to come out with them but they hadn’t pressed too hard, they knew it wasn’t happening. Dan and Jenna were still laying low. They begged me to come to dinner with them but I wouldn’t. I knew I was just bringing everyone around me down.

  I tried to read but couldn’t and just wound up lying in bed, thinking of him. Every song on my playlist reminded me of him. Some reminded me of times when I was happy and some fit better with times like this, when I was aching with sadness. I’m pretty sure I was crying as I drifted off to sleep.

  I just remember vaguely feeling good. He was behind me. It felt so good being in his embrace, feeling his fingers trace the skin along my arms, and feeling him kiss the back of my neck. I nudged my body back into his and felt him hard against me. His hand gently smoothed over my bare breast and then moved down to the curve of my hip. I needed him. I arched back, pushing my bottom against him more urgently. He gripped my hip and then his hand slid over, lower, and his fingers splayed out underneath my navel. He whispered, “You feel so good. Do you want this, baby?”

  At that moment I took in the sour smell of beer on his breath, registered the voice, and realization set in. This was not Tom behind me. My body stiffened and the contents of my stomach started to rise into my throat. I choked out, “Nick? What are you doing?”

  He cooed, attempting to soothe me, “I told you, Darcy. I told you he was a fuck-up who would hurt you. I’ll never do that to you.”

  He gripped my hip again when I tried to move. “Don’t touch me, Nick. Don’t do this. Please leave.”

  He pushed me away from him hard then and his voice rose, “Don’t do what, Darcy?” Someone was rattling the doorknob. He had locked it.

  I scrambled off the bed and scooted away from him on the floor. I pulled the sheet up around me. I was practically topless, the straps of my tank top down, the fabric bunched around my waist. What the fuck? I was shaking as I said, “Nick, just leave.”

  He sat up then and raked his hands through his hair, “Are you kidding? I’m not going to fucking hurt you. I just wanted to….I know…I….” He punched the wall in frustration.

  Someone was knocking loudly and then pounding on the door.

  “Go the fuck away. I’m just talking to her.”

  I heard Beth yell, “Then open the door, dickhead!”

  I moved as if I was going to go for the door and he stood to block me. I sank back against the wall. Then Rene and Beth were kicking at the door, trying to bust the lock. In the calmest voice I could manage I said, “Nick, it’s ok. Just go now. Please, before this gets ugly.”

  He laughed harshly, “I bet Tom will get a second chance with you. Even though that piece of shit tossed you aside for some dirty slut. That’s how special you are to him.”

  With that I heard heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs and with one solid push Tom was in the room and then Dan was there a few seconds later. Tom grabbed Nick and pressed him up against the wall. When he roared at him asking if he had put his hands on me, I heard Nick say something like he was on me and in me, just like I’d begged him to.

  I wanted to curl up and disappear.

  Tom

  I was annoyed when Dan first burst into my room. I thought he was trying to rouse me from my self-imposed exile again. “Please, can you leave me the fuck alone?”

  “Get up, asshole! Nick’s locked himself in Darcy’s room with her.”

  I don’t even remember getting there except for practically tossing Jenna aside to get past her as she was racing down our stairs to get back to her place.

  When I got in the room I saw Darcy curled up in the corner crying, trying to keep the sheet tucked around her. Fuck, were all her clothes off? She looked so small. I was out of my body. I just landed punch after p
unch after punch until he wasn’t talking anymore and Dan was pulling me off. I heard Darcy yelling for me to stop but her voice sounded far away. I looked down at my knuckles, they were split open, bloody and raw.

  I didn’t know how much time had passed, five minutes or five hours, when I was in the kitchen and Darcy was putting ice on my hands. She was looking away from me but I could see tears on her face. I realized I was crying too. I croaked, “Please tell me you’re ok. Did he,” I was shaking with rage then as I tried to get the words out, “Did he…hurt you?”

  Darcy whispered, “I’m ok.” Her gaze was lowered. She still wouldn’t look at me. “Tom, he didn’t do what he said.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. “Darcy, I need to know what happened. He’s not walking away from this.”

  She lowered her head to my chest and whispered in between soft sobs, “I…I thought it was you in the bed with me.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Darcy.” I felt like the worst excuse for a man in the world; leaving her alone to let this happen to her. “Darcy, I need to know. Did he…touch you?”

  “No, not like he said. I woke up before anything happened. I know he wouldn’t have gone further…like forced me or anything.”

  I pinched my eyes closed trying not to see the image in my mind and repeated, “I gonna fucking kill him.” I took a deep breath and held her closer to me. “This is my fault, Darcy. I should have been here to protect you. And I should have been here when you were struggling the last month and I wasn’t.”

  “I’m sorry too, Tom. I shouldn’t have shut you out for so long.”

  “No. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’ve had my head up my ass about a lot of things.”

  With that, Dan walked in. He had taken Nick by the ER to get his lip and the area over his eye stitched up. When Jenna asked, he said Nick was pretty banged up, had a concussion, but would be alright. He motioned me aside and told to me that the hospital staff asked Nick if he wanted the cops called but he declined. “I’m glad I was here for your sake, Tom. I think if I didn’t pull you off him you would have beaten him into a coma.”