Anterograde

by Kallysten

  He’d wanted to get out of the house for some fresh air after arguing with Calden, but he wasn’t one for idleness, and he’d had too much of that in the past months. Without realizing what he was doing, he’d found his way to the hospital.

  He gave a start when his phone buzzed. He glanced at it where it rested on top of a pile of forms he needed to file, half expecting, maybe even hoping to see a text from Calden. He’d let Eli leave the house without a word, and hadn’t called or texted him in the hour and half since. Eli was feeling increasingly uncomfortable about that, especially given their argument. Calden wasn’t going to hurt himself; he’d only been venting his frustration. As certain as Eli was of that, it didn’t make it any easier to be away from Calden.

  The text wasn’t from Calden, although it did come from a member of the Hayes family.

  He’s back at that tattoo shop you two appear to favor. I’ll get him home when he’s done mutilating his body again.

  Eli frowned as he reread the text. Another tattoo? What would this one say? What, of the mess that today had proved to be, could Calden possibly want to remember that much?

  Two knocks on the frame of his open door drew his attention.

  “Hello, Doctor Wright. Do you have a minute?” Petters asked, standing in the doorway.

  Eli didn’t even bother offering him a forced smile.

  “Doctor Petters. Please come in.”

  Eli supposed that politeness would have demanded that he clear the lone chair across from his desk, which was covered in files he had yet to go through, so that Petters could have a seat. He didn’t feel too inclined toward politeness, however, not after the way Petters had acted toward Calden the last time they’d met.

  Petters didn’t comment on the lack of seating as he stepped inside. He closed the door behind him then stood there, both hands shoved deep inside the pockets of his lab coat.

  “Back to work, then?” he said, his gaze sweeping the mess that was Eli’s desk. “We haven’t seen you in here in a while.”

  “If that’s your way of complaining that I work from home, you are welcome to take the matter up with Doctor Langton. He’s the one who authorized—”

  “I know he did,” Petters cut in on a placating tone. “I suggested it, in fact.”

  Eli raised an eyebrow at that. He hadn’t known Petters had a hand in it.

  “You got tired of doing my job?” he said dryly.

  “That was one factor,” Petters admitted without a hint of shame. “And tired of fielding complaints about not putting in whatever accommodations you worked out with the staff that I don’t know about. But mostly I thought you might need a distraction every now and then.”

  “A distraction?” Eli repeated. “A distraction from what?”

  “A distraction from being a babysitter when you’re a fully qualified doctor. It was bad enough that you decided not to perform surgery anymore, but this—”

  Eli stood abruptly, his hands fisted and pressed hard to his desk, ready to tell Petters off, but before he could say a word, Petters cut himself off and raised both hands, palms out toward Eli.

  “Wait. That’s not... It’s your choice, all of it, and I have no say in it. I know that. I apologize.”

  An apology was the last thing Eli had expected. He was even more surprised by the fact that Petters looked like he meant it. Still, he didn’t understand what was going on here.

  “Well, as you can see, I have a lot to do, so if you had something to say…”

  Petters took a deep breath, and for a second he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he looked at Eli full on.

  “I wanted to ask your advice,” he said with a hint of formality to his voice. “About Doctor Hayes.”

  Stifling a sigh, Eli sat down again. “What about him?”

  “We’ve always had what you might call a difficult relationship,” Petters said. “I interviewed him twice when he came out of med school, and both times I gave a negative assessment. I wasn’t the only one who thought he was too arrogant. Two other administrators said no. And still, because of his father, he came to work at the hospital.”

  He paused then, as though waiting for Eli to say something. Eli leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and kept his mouth shut. How or why Calden had been hired had nothing to do with him.

  “His arrogance didn’t change,” Petters continued, a hint of frustration sharpening his words. “If anything it became more pronounced when he turned out to be a talented surgeon. I tried to make amends when his father passed away, but he wouldn’t hear me.”

  “Is there a point to all this?” Eli asked, not bothering to refrain from sighing anymore.

  “I’m getting there,” Petters said. “I just need you to understand. First his father’s death, then his addiction, then his illness. Every time I think I’d like to start fresh with him and have a civil work relationship, something happens. And now I see I was wrong. He’s still the best surgeon we have, and I was wrong to think his condition would affect him.”

  Eli raised an eyebrow at him, nonplussed. “You want to be civil toward him? Seriously? You keep bringing up his condition to him and to me even months after he proved he’s still irreplaceable even on his worst days. Not trying all that hard, are you?”

  At that, Petters actually winced. “That’s the thing, though. I’d apologize, but what’s the point? He’d forget it just about as soon as I said it. I can’t even imagine how hard that has to be on him. And on you, too. And then you both show up here, and you act like nothing happened, like everything’s fine, and I just… I don’t know how to act around him, all right?”

  “You don’t know how to act,” Eli repeated quietly, “so your answer is to antagonize him?”

  Petters offered a humorless smile. “Like I said. I wanted your advice.”

  For a few moments, Eli observed him, trying to figure out what was going on in Petters’ mind. Petters didn’t have to say any of this, so he had to actually want to improve things with Calden. Why didn’t matter much to Eli, but he did understand how difficult it could be when Calden himself made little effort. Even with Eli, he didn’t always rein in his temper—as Eli had experienced today.

  “Advice,” he said finally. “Okay. If you’re really sorry, then tell him. Either he won’t give a damn and shrug it off and you can just move on knowing he’d have forgotten just as quickly if you’d said it six months ago, or it’ll actually mean something to him, and he’ll put it in his diary to remember it. Either way, you’ve said your piece and you can start treating him like you do any other doctor. I can promise you that you’ll still find him just as annoying. But no one ever said you two have to be best friends.”

  After a few seconds, Petters nodded. “All right. I can try that. And it’s not like he doesn’t already have a best friend.”

  He inclined his head toward Eli at that. Eli nodded in response. With a word of goodbye, Petters left the office, closing the door behind him, leaving Eli alone once more with too many files and too many thoughts.

  Although… His mind was a little quieter now. Talking with Petters had reminded Eli that Calden’s default mode when he was upset was to antagonize people. It was a defense mechanism; Eli had figured that out early on in their acquaintance and had tried not to let it bother him, the way it bothered everyone else. Calden wasn’t going to change. He couldn’t change, really. That realization had been one reason why Calden had been upset today. Being upset had been the reason he said what he said. Eli had to let it go and move on, the same way he’d advised Petters to do.

  After another hour or so, his office looked decent again, and the schedule for the next month was ready to be submitted for approval. He was actually working ahead for the following month—it was always harder to make everyone happy in December—when his phone chimed again. As before, it was Lana. She was about to drive Calden home.

  Thinking fast, Eli texted her back, giving her a different destination. Packing up took a matter
of moments. He met Samford in the hallway and shared a few words with her, but soon he was on his way to his and Calden’s favorite café.

  Lola had been a lot friendlier recently, having apparently forgiven Eli the imagined sin of dumping Calden, whom she was very fond of after he’d saved her sister. After inquiring whether Calden would join him, she led Eli to their usual table by the window and brought two home-brewed beers before taking Eli’s order. Just as she walked away, Eli’s phone chimed. The text message was from Calden.

  Sorry

  Through the window, he could see Calden on the other side of the street. Smiling to himself, Eli sent a reply.

  Idiot.

  Get in here already. I ordered for both of us.

  In moments, Calden was seated across from him. He met Eli’s eyes briefly before looking away into the street. Any further apology was unlikely, Eli realized, but that was okay. He didn’t really need it.

  “How’s your mother?” he asked, just to say something.

  Calden shrugged and glanced toward Eli. “As annoying as ever. It’s good to see some things don’t change.”

  Eli snorted quietly. Lana and Calden’s relationship was one thing that had not been altered in the slightest by Calden’s condition, or at least not in any visible way. Lana probably worried even more now than she had before, but she knew Calden well enough not to show it.

  “And how was the hospital?” Calden asked in reply.

  Eli didn’t bother asking how he knew.

  “Same as always. I tried to catch up a bit on my filing. I did talk to Samford. She said she’ll be working on repairing a heart defect tomorrow and could use your help—”

  Interest lit Calden’s eyes at that, and Eli hurried to finish. “—but only after you get a good night’s sleep. You’re on day three.”

  Calden’s mouth twisted in a grimace, and he looked out into the street again.

  “I know that,” he muttered.

  Lola brought them their food, exclaiming how nice it was to see Calden and how good he looked. She’d picked up on the fact that something was off with him, though she didn’t know what exactly, and always made a point to comment that Calden looked well. It annoyed Eli just as much as it did Calden, but Lola was oblivious to hints to stop.

  They ate in silence, although early on Calden’s foot found Eli’s under the table and remained pressed against it for the rest of the meal. They were about done with dessert—apple pie with a scoop of ice cream, Lola had insisted—when Eli’s curiosity got the best of him.

  “So, what’s the new tattoo?” he asked, looking Calden over and trying to guess, with no more luck than when he’d tried earlier, where the tattoo in question might be.

  Calden’s answer came with a shrug. “Just something I need to remember,” he said before trying to change the subject. “Are you done?”

  “I’m done,” Eli confirmed, “but you’re not. I know it’s something you want to remember. Care to tell me what it is?”

  But Calden wouldn’t say. All the way home, Eli tried to point out that it was silly; he’d see it soon enough. Calden remained unmovable. His stubbornness was something else that hadn’t changed with his illness. He even tried to hide after he’d undressed for bed, finally relenting when Eli gave him his best ‘you can’t be serious’ look.

  Deciphering words from right to left wasn’t an issue.

  Understanding what they were supposed to mean, on the other hand…

  Eli’s legs felt a little weak, and he had to sit down on the edge of the bed. Still standing, Calden watched him with an unreadable expression.

  “That,” Eli said, “is the stupidest thing you could have had inked onto your body.”

  Calden raised his chin, bristling. “It’s not. It’s something I need to remember.”

  Eli shook his head. “It’s not true, so it’s certainly not worth remembering.”

  “Well, of course you say that,” Calden said, walking around the bed to climb in on his side. “You’ve forgiven me. This time. And maybe next time you will forgive as well. And the time after that. But there’ll come a day—”

  “No.”

  Eli had heard enough. Turning toward Calden, he pushed him onto his back and knelt by his side, looking down at him.

  “No,” he said again, his voice shaking in its intensity. “If one of us leaves, Calden, it’s not going to be me. I’ll get mad at you, sure. Some things will be hard to forgive probably. But you’re acting like this is all new to me. Like you somehow tricked me into loving you and expect me to change my mind when I realize what you’re like. Don’t you see? I know what you’re like. I know you’re an impossible, arrogant, rude man, with no patience whatsoever for most people.”

  Calden’s lips twitched toward a smile. “There should be a ‘brilliant surgeon’ somewhere in there.”

  Eli’s hand slackened on Calden’s shoulder before sliding up to cup his cheek.

  “Right, we definitely can’t forget that,” he said with a small smile of his own. “Or the fact that you used my key card to get access to the hospital opiates and almost killed yourself, and I forgave you for it. There’s only one thing I wouldn’t forgive, Calden. I could never forgive you if you did it for real.”

  Under his fingers, Calden’s jaw tensed, then relaxed again.

  “It was just words,” he said in a gruff voice. “I was just upset. I wouldn’t have done it.”

  Eli nodded. “I know. But as far as words go, I’m not sure you could have picked worse ones.”

  “I’ll do better,” Calden said, his hand rising to touch his own chest and the words there. “I’ll be better.”

  “You don’t have to. All I need is for you to be yourself.”

  With that, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Calden’s, drawing back after a few seconds when Calden tried to deepen the kiss.

  “I also need you to get some sleep,” he said as sternly as he could manage. “And don’t bother saying you’re not tired. You got into bed without arguing. I know what that means.”

  Calden rolled his eyes at him. Back to normal, then.

  “Aren’t you coming to bed?” Calden asked, and from his tone sleep was the last thing on his mind.

  “I’m going to take a shower first.”

  Calden’s protests didn’t deter Eli, and he left the room to clean up for the night. By the time he came back, Calden was snoring quietly. Eli didn’t let himself be disappointed. After three days, Calden needed the sleep, even if he didn’t like to admit it. Before joining him in bed, Eli went to the office to find a permanent marker. It was awkward to write on himself, but he managed well enough. They’d have to do something about that obnoxious third line on Calden’s chest, but until then…

  Be better or Eli will leave you, Calden’s new tattoo said.

  Eli’s reply was and always would be two simple words.

  I won’t.

  (next chronological chapter)

  June 27th

  Calden is just about finished taking a thorough inventory of his memory palace when someone rings the doorbell. He frowns, wondering who it could be. He never gets visitors. Only Eli comes by—or rather, only Eli used to come by. He lives here now, a fact that is still new to Calden. Maybe it’s him. He said he wouldn’t be long, clearly hesitant about leaving Calden alone to drop by the hospital. He might have forgotten to take the keys.

  It’s good that he is back. Calden has a dozen questions to ask him about his illness, his time in the hospital, and even the afternoon when it all started. Eli looked rather reluctant to talk about that when Calden woke up, as though the topic were painful. Why it would be painful to him when Calden is the one afflicted is rather baffling. Unless…

  What if Calden went through with that horrendous plan of his and told Eli? What if it’s part of what he can’t remember?

  No, he didn’t. He couldn’t have. He was too sick, he couldn’t have gone through with it. Unless he was delirious and didn’t know what he was doing. But i
f that’s the case, what did Eli think? He’s here rather than with his husband, but he didn’t even give a hint that he knows about Calden’s feelings. It’s all very confusing. And frustrating. Calden doesn’t like not understanding things. He doesn’t like missing so many parts of a puzzle that he can’t see the broad picture. He also doesn’t like that wary gleam he saw in Eli’s eyes.

  As he goes to open the front door, he tries to decide which question to ask first. He forgets all about it when he opens the door and it’s not Eli standing there.

  It’s Eli’s husband.

  Calden jerks back, suddenly hyperaware that he’s wearing nothing more than pajamas and a dressing gown. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t care. But this is not just anyone. It’s the man who claimed Eli as his while Calden was too busy being scared. The man who told Calden, two weeks before the wedding, “You may be his best friend and his best man, but I’m going to be his husband. Don’t forget that.” The man Eli apparently left behind to care for Calden.

  “Hello,” Bryce says coolly. “Can I come in?”

  The urge to refuse him entry is overwhelming, but a tiny bit of curiosity stops Calden. He steps aside, then leads the way to the living room, gesturing vaguely.

  “Take a seat. I’ll be right back.”

  Without waiting for a reply, he hurries upstairs to his bedroom, dropping the dressing gown and pajamas to the floor. He puts on a full suit and even slides on shoes. Checking himself in the mirror, he combs his hair with his fingertips before deciding it’s good enough. Fingers on the door handle, he takes a deep breath and goes back down.

  He walks into the living room, immediately annoyed when he sees that Bryce is sitting in the armchair Eli brought with him when he moved in. Calden can’t suppress the feeling that Bryce is intruding. He sits across from him, finally greeting him with a slight nod and a single word.