Sinning Forever

by Heidi Lowe

  FOUR

  After the fifth call of the day, I realized that switching off the ringer on my cellphone simply wasn't enough. Five calls today, six yesterday, and I'd lost count of how many since my "little accident". As a human I'd never been this popular.

  The vibrations against the wooden bedside table were even louder than the ringing would have been. Still, I didn't get up from the bed to answer it. Whoever was on the line couldn't help me.

  The phone vibrated its way off the table and onto the floor, where it buzzed and buzzed until Jean entered the room and brought it to me.

  "Won't you answer it? It's Diane again." She held it out to me.

  I looked at it, took it from her lethargically, then dropped it lazily to the floor. "No," I said.

  Eventually it stopped ringing. But I knew it was only a matter of time before someone else called to check up on me. That was, after all, what people did when their employees failed to show up for work in over a week.

  Jean sat on the bed beside me and pressed a hand over mine. "Everyone's worried about you. You can't avoid them forever. You'll have to tell them."

  Silence. I stared off into space, as I had been doing for days. Sitting motionless on our bed, in my bathrobe and nothing else. I could hear everything she said, but I wasn't listening. Not really.

  "What about Petr? Would you like me to call him? Maybe get him out here again? I'm sure he'd love to see you."

  More silence. It wasn't so much that I was deliberately trying to ignore her, it was more that I had nothing to say. What did she expect from me? Couldn't she see that my whole world had fallen apart?

  "Lissa, please talk to me. I don't know what to do." Her voice was shrill, reeking of desperation.

  "I used to hate it when that time of the month came round. My cramps were never as bad as some women I'd known, but it was still a pain in the ass." Even without seeing, I could tell she was looking at me perplexed, as though I was speaking in tongues. My tale must have sounded random to her, but it had been on my mind for the past couple of hours.

  "It's crazy, isn't it?" I went on. "The things you take for granted when you have them, and the things you miss when they're gone. Who would have thought that I would miss menstruating?"

  "Oh, honey." She stroked the side of my face with the back of her hand. I couldn't really feel it. My grief had numbed me.

  "Now that it's gone forever, far earlier than I'd anticipated, I feel...empty. I can't give life, only take it. A leech that can only cause pain and destruction to humanity."

  "That's not true. That's so not true." I didn't feel her kisses either. "The sweet, loving, innocent girl that you were before the change, she's still there. You're still the same person."

  "No, I'm not. And the world will treat me like the beast I am. So stop lying to me."

  "Lissa, look at me." I didn't, and when she realized that I wasn't going to, she went on. "Those who are violent and callous as vampires started out that way as humans. The condition only amplifies what was already there." She pressed her palm to my chest, over my heart. "Your heart is the purest I've ever encountered. You could never be evil, and you could never be a beast."

  I wanted to believe her because she said it with such conviction, as though she truly believed it. But I couldn't. Who could be sure that my "pure heart" wouldn't darken with time? And who was to say it had ever truly been pure to begin with? I'd made questionable choices, done questionable things over the years; I was far from the innocent girl Jean made me out to be.

  "You said my body would change over time. Maybe my heart will, too."

  "No, that's not how it works. Your body will adjust around the condition. Nothing more."

  So far, I'd noticed little changes. Like, I never got tired during the night, nor was it possible to fall asleep then. And things I'd once considered heavy to carry now weighed hardly anything. My eyesight was damn near perfect, too. And the lightness in my body, like I was made of nothing but air, was still present. Like, if I didn't hold onto something that was firmly attached to the floor, I would float away.

  And then there was my memory. Every memory I'd thought lost, replaced with newer ones, was now starting to return with a vengeance. Painful or pleasant, they would all be there again. As clear as day. The ability to forget, contrary to what many believe, is a blessing.

  "Will any of the changes hurt?"

  "No, but they might be uncomfortable for a little while. It's nothing you have to worry about."

  "I'm not worried," I said flatly. "I don't care anymore."

  "Why don't we go for a walk? The fresh air will do you good." She'd suggested this every night since my change, and every night she got the same response.

  "No." Absent an explanation.

  "You haven't left the house in days. It can't be good for you to sit up here like this."

  "Until going outside restores my humanity, I think I'll stay where I am." I separated myself from her and lay down.

  When she finally got up to leave, she said, "Lissa, humanity isn't just reserved for humans. You still have it."

  I wanted to believe that, too. But I'd never been good at lying to myself.

  An hour or so later, I heard a car pull into the drive. Moments later the sound of muffled voices in the entrance hall traveled up to me. I crept out of bed and across the room, then gently pulled the door open so I could better make out who was speaking. One of the voices belonged to Robyn, and the other to Nadine.

  "Any change?" Robyn asked.

  "No. She won't do anything. She just sits there staring at nothing. She won't speak to me for more than a couple of minutes, then she falls back into this funk. I'm beside myself. I want to help her, but I don't know how to."

  "Maybe she needs a friend." This came from Nadine. "The boy that I met a while back, I forgot his name. He could cheer her up."

  "Petr," Jean said. "I suggested sending for him, but she wasn't interested."

  "She doesn't need any more people feeling sorry for her." There was a ding of impatience to Robyn's voice. "She's angry, and rightly so. Angry and confused, and probably lost. Being pitied won't help her."

  The most astounding thing about Robyn's speech wasn't just that it was right on the money, but that it had come from her. Her, of all people.

  "Maybe you should talk to her, babe," Nadine suggested.

  "Me? I'm the last person she'd want to speak to."

  "No, I think Nadine's right. You obviously seem to know what's best for her."

  A couple of minutes later, once I'd returned to the bed, there was a knock at the bedroom door.

  "Go away," I said.

  "I'm coming in," Robyn said, and did just that, not waiting for an invitation.

  "What do you want?" I didn't turn to look at her.

  "The same thing I always want: to annoy the hell out of you. What else?"

  "You didn't have to come all the way up here to do that. Your existence alone bugs me."

  She laughed. And by God did it make a refreshing change to hear. For the past week the house had seriously lacked any type of cheer. No laughter, no smiling, no happiness. Who would've thought that Robyn would have been the one to restore it?

  "So you're a vampire now, huh?"

  "Looks that way."

  "Now you're actually halfway interesting." She came and stood by the window so I could get a good look at her. She was always so fashionable, stylish, as though her next stop was some runway in Milan. The new bob haircut she sported suited her small face well, but I wouldn't ever admit that to her.

  "Did you do something to your hair? It looks awful!"

  "This coming from a girl who cuts her own hair, and still wears Doc Martens."

  I cracked a smile.

  "I know why you're here. She wanted you to talk to me, to get me out of my funk. To convince me to get out of the house and see people again."

  "Do you want to do any of those things?" she asked.

  "No. I don't want to do anything but mourn
the death of my humanity. She doesn't get it. I can't go back to my old life, and I need to somehow come to terms with that."

  She nodded her understanding.

  "I think she thinks I blame her," I added.

  "Do you?"

  "Yes... But I don't hate her. She made me this way, so yeah, she is to blame. But I know why she did it."

  Robyn looked down. For a moment she didn't speak, and then she said, "You're the bane of my life, a thorn in my side, the iceberg to my Titanic, the–"

  "I get it, you hate me."

  "But I'm glad you're not dead. I mean, who else am I going to argue with all the time? You're like an irritating little sister. An unplanned pregnancy my mother decided to keep, against everyone's wishes."

  My laugh came out so unexpectedly that it shocked both of us. I saw Robyn's look of surprise.

  "Take your time, Lissa. You've got a lot of it," she said in parting.

  I didn't thank her for the visit, but she must have known how grateful I was. My first smile and laugh in days, all thanks to Robyn. Had Nadine's love mellowed her into a nice person, or had she always been one?

  "Lissa, what are you doing?" Jean said, when she entered our room the following evening.

  My foot was pressed to the peddle of the bin as I picked out my earrings from the jewelry box and dropped them one by one into the bin.

  "What does it look like? I won't be able to use them anymore."

  "What about giving them to a friend, or to charity?"

  "I don't have any friends. And I doubt any charity would take them."

  She clasped my wrist. "Lissa, stop. You don't have to do this yet."

  I ripped my arm away, and shocked myself at just how strong I'd become. There had been a time, not so long ago, when she'd been able to restrain me with ease. She'd done so many times during sex, and I'd loved it. Now that I had my own superhuman strength, I was a match for her. Nowhere near as strong, seeing as she had years on me, but still a challenge.

  "When would be a better time? I can never wear them again. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move on."

  "You're only upsetting yourself. They can wait. Come, let's go for a walk. Or a drive somewhere nice."

  "I don't want to go for a fucking walk! I don't want to go anywhere with you. Stop asking me, all right? Stop bothering me. God, have you always been this needy?"

  I relished in seeing her pain, a part of me always had. It felt good to know that I could hurt her with just my words. Did she still think my heart was pure?

  "Suit yourself. I'll leave you alone."

  I thought about stopping her, telling her I didn't mean what I'd said, that it wasn't her I was really mad at, but I let her go. She would hurt a little, then she'd be back, because she couldn't keep away. When I was ready to let her back in, I knew she'd come running with open arms. I was like a puppet master, pulling the strings and watching her run.

  I tied up the bag once I'd filled it with various relics from my old life that I would never use again, and carried it downstairs. As I set it outside the front door, a car pulled into the driveway, and a couple of people stepped out. When the floodlights came on, I recognized them. Diane and Raymond, my boss and colleague from Greenfields Shelter For the Paw.

  "Lissa! Jesus, where have you been?" Diane said.

  I rolled my eyes. "Home. What do you want?"

  "Are you okay? We were worried sick when you didn't show up for work. We've been trying to call you," Raymond said.

  I folded my arms, full of attitude. "As you can see I'm fine. Still breathing. Oh, and I'm not coming back to work. You know how it is: I walk out in the sun, my body sets on fire."

  I turned to reenter the house when I heard Diane shriek.

  "You're not... Oh God, Lissa, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

  "Yeah, well now you do." I shot Raymond a murderous look, and noted how he took a couple of steps backward. "What was it you said, Raymond? About vampires? Wait, I remember exactly what it was. 'All those freaks of nature, they're incapable of living among real people.' Were those not your words?" I already knew I'd recited them verbatim. Great memory, remember?

  He swallowed, took a couple more steps back. "L–Lissa, I–"

  "Save it. Get the hell away from my house. And don't come back. Either of you. The next time, I might not be so friendly."

  They hurried away, back into Diane's car, and sped off. Fear. That was all I had going for me, the ability to frighten my old friends. And even if I hadn't threatened them, that look of pure terror would have materialized at some point. That was the nature of the condition: you didn't have to try hard to scare people, it happened naturally.

  When I slammed the door shut, Jean was waiting on the stairs. I rolled my eyes again upon seeing her.

  "Why did you do that?"

  She came down to face me, her expression stern.

  "Now maybe they'll leave me alone."

  "Everyone will leave you alone, Lissa. For good!" she shouted. "And then you'll have no one. Is that what you want? People to be so afraid of you they won't want to be around you?"

  "They wouldn't want to be around me anyway. I'm just making it easy for them to split. That's all."

  "The whole world isn't out to get you. There are so many people who care about you. So many people who love you, in spite of your condition. I don't know how many times you have to hear that before you finally get it. You're the only one who thinks you're a monster. But if you keep acting like one, you'll get what you want."

  FIVE

  Petr's pixelated face stared back at me from the phone screen. Even with bad reception and a fuzzy connection he still looked as beautiful as ever. Golden skin he'd spent hours in the sun perfecting, and a fresh buzz cut.

  "You look good," he said for the third time since our video call began. I couldn't tell whether or not he was saying that just to make me feel better. My skin had never been so clear, so vibrant; and my hair had never looked and felt so healthy. I guess dying did wonders to the body!

  "I feel like crap," I responded. "Not physically, mentally. Emotionally."

  "Because you're only seeing the negative side. You're thinking about all the things you can't do, but what about all the things you can do now?"

  It came as no surprise to me that upon finding out about my condition, Petr was overjoyed. Cool, was his exact word. The consensus was that my street cred had skyrocketed, and I was now an interesting person. Too bad I didn't feel that way.

  "I've yet to see the benefits," I said drily.

  "You get to live forever, see the new millennium. You'll have time to read every book ever written, make thousands of friends. Watch technology advance. And so much more."

  None of those things interested me, and they didn't come close to replacing all the things I would lose. He sat there sporting a tan, not realizing that that was a luxury I would never experience again. He spoke of day trips to the beach, sunny days spent at the park. Those were the things I would miss the most, and living for eternity would only mean I missed them forever.

  "I don't want to live forever. I want to grow old with everyone else. With you, with April..." God, April! How would I ever tell her? How could we ever see eye to eye again?

  His face grew serious. "Does she know yet?"

  I shook my head, pressed my lips together in an attempt to hold back the tears, but they fell anyway. My body paid no attention to my wants, it simply acted as it wished.

  I wiped my wet cheeks with one hand while the other held the phone up. "She'll hate me, I know it. She hated vampires more than I did."

  "You're her sister, the only blood relative she has. She won't hate you. It's not like you chose this."

  "I know her, Pete. She warned me about Jean, about getting involved with a vampire. It's my own fault, and she'll see it that way, too."

  "You fell in love. It happens. And an evil bitch tried to take your life. Your girlfriend saved it. You're still here because of her. April will get that, even i
f it takes a while."

  I couldn't share in his optimism. And despite his positive outlook, speaking to him did nothing for my bad mood. A feeling I woke and fell asleep with, night in, night out. He had the good humor of someone who could bask in the sunlight, who had more than just eternal darkness to look forward to. I wondered then if I'd sounded just like him to Jean when I was human. She'd told me in the past that I made everything bright, everything hopeful, just by being me. She hadn't said that since my change...

  Petr got up to answer the door, and I caught a glimpse of his boxers. They were the only item of clothing he had on.

  "Dude, were you seriously just talking to me in nothing but your boxers?"

  "Yeah. I was jacking off. Why else did you think I wanted to video call you?"

  "That's so gross. Don't even joke like that," I said as he cackled. "Who's visiting you at this hour?"

  "You'll see," he said coyly.

  When he opened the door, at first it was hard to make out what was going on, because the camera was shaking. And when the image finally came into focus again, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. Petr had his tongue down his visitor's throat, as they ate each other's faces. I would have looked away if not for the fact that I was watching history take place. Petr's visitor, low and behold, was a woman!

  "What's going on?" I demanded.

  They broke away and the girl said, "Is that Lissa?" She waved excitedly, beaming the whitest smile I'd ever seen. Her accent, I noticed immediately, wasn't local. It sounded Irish. "Wow, I've heard so much about you."

  "Funny, because I've heard nothing about you," I said curtly. Who was this redhead and why did she feel so comfortable sticking her tongue into my best friend's mouth?

  "I'm Samantha." She hit Petr on his bare chest playfully, and I noticed how her hand lingered on it. "You didn't tell her about us?"

  "I was gonna get around to it. We had some other stuff to talk about." He whispered, not quietly enough, that he would fill her in later. I hated that. The "other stuff" was no doubt my tragic news. They would talk about me, maybe laugh about how foolish I'd been, how careless.