Lovingly Yours

by Jerry Cole

  I put on some sweats and snuck out of the house for a run. The cool morning air filled my lungs and I felt free for the first time since I touched down. Ian was going to be here, in my arms in a matter of hours. As much as I hated the idea of him being tainted by this town and my father’s prejudices, I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t elated.

  “Fancy running into you here.”

  I turned around and found myself nose to nose with Patrick. His flushed face and sweaty brow made his otherwise angelic features look sickly and distorted.

  “Do you just hang around here waiting for random people to show up?”

  He chuckled.

  “No, I actually like to come here to clear my head.”

  “Since when?”

  He jogged in place, checking his smartwatch casually.

  “Interested?”

  “Forget I asked,” I turned to jog away, but I should’ve known that it wouldn’t end that easily. Patrick was a master manipulator. He stepped in front of me, blocking my path while looking very casual and nonchalant. I snorted. The boy I remember, the one who was always afraid that everybody was looking at him, had turned into a man who was apparently used to getting his own way.

  “You must have something on your mind. I was following you for nearly a mile before I caught up with you.” He looked me in the eyes as he spoke. We were nearly the same height now, though I carried twenty pounds of muscle that he didn’t have.

  “Following me?”

  “Yeah, well, not intentionally. I guess we were both heading to the same spot.” He smiled at me again.

  “Well that’s great, it was nice talking to you,” I tried to leave again, and he stepped in front of me again. “What do you want from me, Patrick?”

  “I want you to just hear me out, okay. Just once.”

  “And then what?”

  “And then I’ll pretend like I never saw you if that’s what you want.”

  I crossed my arms and glared at him.

  “You’ve got two minutes. Go.”

  “I’m sorry. You gotta believe me when I say that I never intended for things to go the way they did. I was a scared and selfish boy at the time. That day when your dad caught us...I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze. And then when your dad asked if…”

  “You told them that I forced you. You told them that you were confused and that I just kept coming at you. But somehow, I remember that the TRUTH was the complete opposite. You chased me!”

  He swallowed hard and took a step back but didn’t break eye contact.

  “I know. I was wrong. I was scared, Josh. I was so scared to admit to my parents and everybody else….it took me a long time to finally come out to them.”

  “Ah, well then that’s it then,” I threw my hands in the air. “You were scared, so all is forgiven. You convinced my father that I was one step away from being a pedophile and got me shipped off to a hellhole for the rest of my high-school career but you were scared so it all worked out well. Right?”

  “I wish there was some way to make it up to you—”

  “But there isn’t, is there? The moment for you to speak up was years ago and you stayed silent.”

  “I wasn’t strong enough to handle the consequences then, but I regretted it every minute of every day. Without you, I was truly alone. I really suffered without you.”

  “Dammit, you weren’t the only one suffering. I LOVED YOU! Do you get that? You were the first person I ever loved. If you had trusted me, even a little bit, I would’ve stood by your side. I would’ve fought the whole world for you. I loved you and you betrayed me, and I will never forgive you for that!”

  I twisted out of his grip and jogged away, ignoring the shocked look on his face. I kept running, farther and farther away from him and all of the memories that his face brought to mind. It was an impossible task. No matter how hard I ran, I couldn’t escape the memories I’d been avoiding all these years. The worst part was that nearly every one of them, all of the moments between us, were happy ones.

  I remembered watching him from the second-floor window of our high school. I remembered the day he walked over to me and confessed that he had a crush on me. I remember how he cringed, expecting me to hit him. I remembered our first kiss, was there by the lake, under the tree that I’d swung from as a little boy. I remembered it all, and as much as I hated to admit it every one of those memories was precious to me. Even the one that ended it all was a beautiful moment until it wasn’t.

  I kept running, faster and faster until I was flying down the streets, barely aware of where I was heading. I just needed to get away; away from the memories, away from him, and away from this town. I stumbled back into the house, covered in sweat and heaving. I felt tears sting the back of my eyes. I pounded my fist into the floor, refusing to cry. I wouldn’t let this place defeat me. I’d escaped once before. I could do it again.

  “Is that you, boy?” My father’s raspy voice pulled me out of my tantrum.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “You’re up early.”

  It wasn’t a question so I didn’t have to answer him. I turned and walked up the stairs. I had enough time to shower, help the old man through his morning routine and get out to the airport to pick up Ian.

  “You got someplace to be?” he called from the bottom of the stairs.

  “I have to pick up Ian,” I said.

  “Ian?” he snorted. “Oh, the boyfriend. He is coming to see you?”

  I walked to the top of the stairs and made eye contact.

  “Yes sir, he is.”

  “You’re bringing him to stay here?” Harold looked genuinely flustered. “You can’t bring that queer here.”

  “Yes, I can. You need help and I need him. So, for as long as he’s willing to put up with us both, he can stay.”

  “Over my dead body!” He shook with anger. He always hated it when I “sassed” him

  “Have it your way; the way you’re going that will be a lot sooner than you think.” I walked away, leaving him sputtering and cursing at the bottom of the stairs. If I was going to be trapped here I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the only one feeling uncomfortable about it. As much as he must hate the idea of seeing the two of us together, I loathed the idea of Ian and Harold in the same room.

  I showered quickly and dressed in a hurry. I ran downstairs and prepared Harold’s medicine and breakfast shake. I filled a washbasin with warm water and I brought everything to him, in the living room where he’d been camping out.

  “Do you want to wash up before I leave?”

  He glared at me and turned his face away like an angry child. I dug his toothbrush out of my pocket and left it beside his shake.

  “Okay, my phone is on. I’ll be back soon. Call me if you need anything.”

  He turned to watch me leave and lurched forward as if he had something to say. I paused for a moment to give him the time to speak. He opened and closed his mouth several times but said nothing. Instead, he settled for grunting and glaring at me. I turned and left.

  Traffic was light and I got to the airport early. I wandered around, sipping the shitty, overpriced coffee I bought in lieu of breakfast. I was nervous so I barely tasted the bitter brew. When the double doors that all arrivals had to walk through opened and Ian walked out, I nearly cried with relief at the sight of him...and Friendly, and a very drowsy looking Shaolin in a large crate.

  “What the hell?”

  An elated smile spread across Ian’s face as he spotted me in the crowd. He pushed the trolley with three large suitcases and Shaolin’s crate over to me and stood there, with his hands balled into fists and pinned to his sides.

  “How the hell did you…? What the…?” I couldn't find the words so I just settled for pulling him into a hug that was much too long overdue. His body was rigid and his heart was pounding, but he didn’t pull away.

  “Are you okay?”

  He nodded.

  “How was your flight?”

  “I misse
d you,” was all he said. I could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke. I wasn’t sure if he was just overwhelmed by the experience or genuinely upset. Either way, my instinct was to find a quiet place and kiss away his fears. I wanted to strip him down and inspect every inch of his body. Although I knew he wasn’t injured, I still felt the need to fold him up and tuck him in my shirt pocket, guarding him with my body.

  “You brought Shaolin.”

  “I couldn’t leave him. We’re a team,” he smiled up at me.

  “We better be,” I kissed the top of his head and let him go. He blushed and looked down at his feet, making him look so much younger than his years. For a twenty-seven-year-old man, he still looked like he was a freshman in college. He had the same fresh-faced awkwardness and haphazard fashion sense as your average nineteen or twenty-year-old. For the first time since we met, that became a worry for me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head.

  “Nothing, I was just thinking… I don’t know how Harold is going to react to meeting you,” I said.

  “What did you tell him about me?”

  “Nothing,” I pushed the cart out of the terminal, toward the parking garage.

  “Nothing?”

  “Nothing at all. I just told him that my boyfriend was coming to visit.” I didn’t look him in the face while I spoke. I focused my attention on helping Shaolin find a patch of grass to relieve himself. I didn’t really want to talk about the shitstorm that I knew we couldn’t avoid but one glance up at Ian’s worried face told me I couldn’t let him walk in there unprepared. There was no way he would be able to handle Harold without a plan, and no way that I could protect him one hundred percent.

  “Is this going to be a problem?” He bit his lip and shifted his weight from one foot to another.

  “Maybe. Listen, why don’t we get a coffee and talk,” I said.

  “Okay.”

  We climbed into the car, with the two dogs sitting happily in the back seat and found one of the anonymous cafe’s that seemed to have cropped up around the airport in the years since I left. The weather was nice, so we found a bench outside and sat to talk.

  “Spill it,” he said, looking very determined.

  “My father isn’t a great guy under the best of circumstances. He’s ex-military, and so was his dad, and his father before him. You get my point. So being sick and weak has turned him from being rough around the edges to a complete asshole. Plus, he has some pretty interesting ideas about gay people.”

  “You mean, he’s still trying to figure out which one of us is the wife?” He gave me a half-hearted smile before taking a sip from his cup.

  “No, I mean, he’s convinced that we aren’t born this way. We recruit people.”

  “Really?” Ian's jaw fell open.

  “Yup,” I nodded. “Usually young boys or impressionable young men. We seduce them, make them feel safe and accepted and then turn them.” I used air quotes to emphasize my point. The shock on Ian’s face didn’t dissipate at all. I felt like such an ass for telling him this. I felt even worse for allowing him to come all this way without warning him first. I was selfish. I wanted him here with me and I’d left him in the dark and it was too late now to turn back.

  “Does he really think that…”

  “When he was a kid, that was what they told him. The church, the military, his whole inner circle told him that we were monsters, turning perfectly normal kids into freaks by coercion or by force.”

  “Force?”

  I just nodded. We both knew what that meant.

  “Is that why your sister kept asking—”

  “How old were you? Yup. She just wants to make sure that I’m not doing anything illegal in case she has to come up with bail money.”

  “Stop it. I’m sure it’s much more than that. She probably really cares about you in her own way. She just can’t get past what she’s been taught.”

  I brought the back of his hand to my lips and kissed it.

  “You are too forgiving. You can’t be like that around Harold. He’ll eat you alive. You have to remember that to him you are the predator.”

  “Me?” Ian chuckled, unable to see himself as a threat to anything or anybody.

  “Don’t underestimate yourself. You are incredibly charming and that makes you dangerous. I’d been avoiding all kinds of commitment or long-term relationships when I met you, and now look at me. I have a fucking dog!”

  “You’re so stupid,” he tapped my chest and leaned in closer, looking me in the eyes and smiling happily.

  “If you could wrap me around your little finger so easily, who knows what you might be able to convince others to do. You are going to terrify him. Just don’t let him terrify you.”

  “I promise.”

  I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I closed the space between us and kissed him. I tasted the softness of his lips and felt something dark and possessive roar to life. I wanted more. I wanted him alone, naked, and moaning. It was such a sudden response that even I was shocked by the ferocity of it. He tipped his head back slightly, as if he could read my mind, and I deepened the kiss. It wasn’t until I heard the annoyed hiss of a passerby that I was able to pull back, only to be met by the shocked stare of a blue-haired old lady in a hideous daffodil print dress.

  We separated quickly and she walked by, shaking her head and chastising us under her breath. I didn’t hear everything she said, but I caught the phrase “so early in the morning” before she rounded the corner. Ian’s face was painted crimson and he stared at his shoes, gripping the edge of the bench.

  “Come on, let's get back before I get us locked up for public indecency,” I pried one of his hands off of the bench and headed back toward the car.

  “Don’t pay her any mind. Some people just need something to be upset about.” The sound of Patrick’s voice sent ice water through my veins. He walked out of the shop that the old woman had gone into and sauntered over to us with both of his hands in his pockets. His saccharine smile and relaxed body language set me on edge. He looked at Ian, giving him a cool appraisal before turning his gaze back to me. I wanted to tuck Ian safely behind me and punch Patrick in the face for being daring enough to look at him.

  “Oh,” Ian smiled back at him but didn’t let go of my hand.

  “We have to stop bumping into each other like this,” Patrick said before returning his gaze to Ian. “I’m Patrick, by the way. You must be the boyfriend.” Patrick stretched out his hand.

  “Oh, yeah,” Ian nodded. “Must be.” Ian took the hand that was offered and shook it firmly.

  “Your boy, Josh and I used to go to high school together. I never thought I’d see him around these parts again, though. I figure hell must have finally had a cold snap.” He gave a hollow laugh which grated my nerves.

  “Oh, he doesn’t talk very much about high school,” Ian said softly.

  “I guess not. High school was hell for all of us. And in a town like this, there wasn’t much to tell.” He looked at my face, hurt flickering in his eyes for a moment before he turned back to Ian and clapped him on the shoulder. I gritted my teeth, ready to break that hand for touching my Ian. Ian flinched but didn’t back away. He squeezed my hand gently but didn’t say anything.

  “I won’t hold you two love birds up. It was nice seeing you again, Josh. We should get together some time. And you too Ian; take good care of our boy, okay?”

  Ian nodded and we both watched as the asshole walked across the street and climbed into an obscenely large SUV and roared away.

  “Nice guy?” Ian looked up at me.

  “I used to think so,” I turned and looked him in the face. “Are you okay?”

  “Oh, yeah,” he looked at the ground and unconsciously rubbed the spot where Patrick had touched him.

  “Don’t mind him, he is just used to doing whatever he wants,” I said.

  “He didn’t know.” Ian slipped his hand into mine and we went back to the car together.
r />   Chapter Ten

  Josh

  We rode home in silence. I kept vacillating between worry and desire. Every time I looked over at Ian, he had his hands folded in his lap and a faraway look in his eyes.

  “Here we are,” I pulled up to the time-capsule home and grabbed his hand. “If you don’t want to do this we can leave right now. I’ll get you a hotel room.”

  “What about the dogs?”

  “I’ll find someplace. I’m pretty sure they can’t kick Friendly out since she’s a service animal.”

  He shook his head, “No, let’s face this. He’s your dad and this may be the only chance we get. You should try and show him how wrong he is, and I—”

  “You don’t owe him anything.”

  “I want a chance to face him too. I’ve never met anybody’s parents before.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded.

  “I never really dated. I mean, it was never anything serious. I never got the chance to meet the dad or get invited for dinner by the mom. I’d like to do that at least once.”

  I laughed.

  “You sure picked one hell of a cliff to dive off of for your first time.”

  “Yeah, well, beggars can’t be choosers.”

  “I guess not,” I reached across the seat and kissed the back of his hand. “Thank you for coming. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. I was losing my mind here without you.”

  “So was I.”

  “How did you even manage the flight?”

  “Meds and a lot of meditation.”

  I laughed again, even though I knew he wasn’t joking.

  “I just figured that I was choosing the lesser of two evils. I could either sit at home and wrestle with anxiety attacks and nightmares alone, or I could endure a few hours on a flight and be with you. I think I picked the better mental health option.”