I sense Ruben getting comfortable opposite me in one of the recliners.
Where do I start?
“I’ve never lied about Lily. She’s an amazing woman and I’d be lost without her, but she’s Michael’s wife—the mother of my niece and nephew. Maybe when I first set eyes on her I felt a twinge of attraction, but that only lasted seconds.” I run my hand over my face, and hold Ruben’s stare from under my eyelids. He’s probably going to regret asking me to spill my guts to him by the time I’m finished.
“I wasn’t jealous of Lily and Michael…or rather I was, but not in the way you’re thinking.” I sigh. “I always wanted a family.” I sit forward and rest my elbows on my knees, and, with my head feeling too heavy to be on my shoulders, I drop my face to stare at my feet. “After Alyssa, I gave up on wanting anything remotely like the family we were brought up in. I buried all those feelings…until Sabrina. Hearing Michael announce that they are going to have another baby made me realize that I wanted that with Sabrina, but I’ll never get the chance. She deserves so much more than me.”
“Why?”
“What?” I ask incredulously. I would have thought it was obvious.
“You heard me. Why does Sabrina deserve so much more than you? What can some other guy offer her that you can’t? And I don’t want to hear anything about the fire. It happened six years ago. I think it’s about time you let it go and get on with living. These past years you haven’t been living, you’ve been existing.” He takes a drink of his longneck but his eyes never leave mine, as though he’s trying to make his words sink in. “I’m not trying to make light of what happened to you, but you’re not just hurting yourself and us anymore… You’re hurting a woman who would love you for who you are today, scars and all, if you only gave her a chance. You could have everything Michael has with Lily. Relationships aren’t easy.” He laughs. “God, look at Rosie and me, but I love that girl and even though our ages were a big thing for me to begin with, when it came down to it I couldn’t walk away from her. Don’t leave it until it’s too late. I’d hate for you to lose her.”
I’m supposed to be the oldest brother, the one to give out the advice, the one to look out for them. It’s not supposed to be the other way around. I shake my head. How things have changed.
“I hear you. I just don’t think it’s going to be easy.”
“Nothing worth having is easy.”
Ruben sighs before he continues, “Look. I don’t expect you to wake up tomorrow a new man, over what happened, but I do think you need to try with Sabrina. She’ll help you. You know that right? I’ve seen the way she looks at you. We all have, and I think she’ll do anything to help you if it means she gets to be in your life.” He starts grinning. “Shit! If anyone could hear me now giving you advice, they’d piss themselves laughing.”
I laugh with him, but my heart isn’t really in it tonight.
“Now I’ve set you on the course of discovery, I’m going to go and keep my woman warm.”
“Did I really need to know that?”
“Yep. Maybe it will help tip the scales.”
Watching Ruben leave, all I want to do is ask him to stay. It isn’t Ruben who I want here with me…
Chapter Nine
Sabrina
After my warm shower, I pull on a pair of yoga pants and a soft knit, long sleeved tee shirt in a dark plum color. Since arriving home about an hour ago, I’ve been hiding away in my room, trying to prolong the discussion that I know Ramon is waiting to have with me.
In my misery, I didn’t miss Ramon’s shock when I placed my hand on my stomach with Lily’s announcement. So I know he’s going to have questions once I show myself. I’m just not sure I’m ready to answer them.
I gently caress my stomach knowing that there are a few hurdles that need to be crossed before I can even think about what I’m going to do in about six months time. Being close to three months pregnant with Lucien’s child isn’t something I expected to happen to me while I’m single, and not even with the father. It was a hell of a shock as well. My periods have always been up and down, even with me taking the pill. So yeah, me being pregnant hadn’t entered my head until I spent a few mornings praying to the porcelain gods. Now, I have to work out a way to tell Lucien, and I’ve no idea how to explain about the pill not being effective.
Although being pregnant with his child fills me with joy, I just know that he’s going to want to do the right thing by me because it’s the way he’s been raised. And that, right there, is the problem. I’m torn. Do I tell him and spend a lifetime wondering if he loves me or simply did right by his child and me? I know there is a connection between us—sure, it’s a connection Lucien is ignoring—but is it enough? Lucien has to deal with that connection sooner or later, instead of pushing me away but I want him to do it without a baby being the catalyst. With a heavy sigh, I open my bedroom door and walk into the family room where Ramon looks to be asleep on my sofa. He makes me smile. The sofa wasn’t really made with a McKenzie in mind as Ramon proves with one of his feet hanging off the end and the other one curved under him.
“Are you going to stand there all night? Or are you going to come and sit down and tell me what’s going on with you?” he asks, stretching.
“You move any further and you’re going to be on the floor,” I point out as I move closer to him and take a seat on the recliner opposite him.
“If you had a longer sofa I wouldn’t have that trouble.” He grins but doesn’t open his eyes.
I shake my head and return his smile but don’t say anything. Instead, I stare at the dark television as the seconds slide by.
Ramon’s breathing deepens and fills the room and I find myself hoping that he’s gone back to sleep. Suddenly, his eyes pop open. “Spill it.”
“You really are like how I imagine an annoying brother would be.”
“I am your annoying brother right now.” He sighs. “Look Sabrina, I’m guessing you have a bun in the oven just like Lily. Am I right?”
I nod refusing to let the tears appear. I’ve done enough crying to last me a lifetime over the past few weeks and today so I’m not going to go there anymore. It can’t be good for the baby for starters.
“I’m nearly three months pregnant. It obviously wasn’t planned, but, well, it has happened and although it was a shock at first, I’m really happy. I just need to work out how to tell your brother.” Realizing I’m biting my lip, I release it from between my teeth and smooth it out with my tongue—a nervous habit I have.
“I don’t know how my brother will react. He’s been difficult to read for a while now, but I know how much he loves children and I think, although it will be a shock for him, he’ll be happy in the long run.” Ramon pushes himself up into a more comfortable position, looking a bit apprehensive.
He’s worried about something, which tells me he isn’t all that sure of his brother.
“What?”
He sighs. “With how much Lucien’s been pushing you away, I’m a little worried. Don’t get me wrong,” he says quickly when he notices the panic on my face. “I stand by what I said about children, but you need to be prepared for him to accuse you of trapping him into being with you.”
He isn’t telling me anything that I haven’t thought myself. I guess that’s why I’ve tried not to think about it and put off seeing him again. He’s also been causing me plenty of sleepless nights.
“I guess I need to talk to him so it’s out there. My jeans are already uncomfortable so it isn’t going to be long before my pregnancy starts to show.” I groan, burying my face in my hands, and mumble, “I have to tell my mom. She isn’t going to be happy. Her single daughter, pregnant.”
“Isn’t it her job to support you?”
“Um, you’ve met my mother. How can you ask me that?”
He shakes his head. “Okay, I guess, but I’m sure you’ll be sick of the sight of mine within a month. She’s grandbaby crazy.” He laughs. “But at least you’ll take the pressure
away from me. I can’t talk to her these days without her going on at me about marriage and babies.”
Ramon relaxes back into the sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table and crossing his ankles.
“She just wants to see you as happy as your brothers are…well most of your brothers.”
“I know. I’m not as straightforward as they are,” he tells me looking sad.
I move from the recliner and sit down beside him on the sofa. I hesitate, not sure how to comfort him before thinking ‘to hell with it’ and cuddle into him. He hesitates for all of a minute before I feel his arm come around me. I always feel like I can talk to him about anything without being judged or made to sound ridiculous. But now it’s my turn to be here for him. So I ask, “Why aren’t you getting it on with Sylvia?”
Chuckling, he repeats, “Getting it on? Well that’s one way of putting it, I guess. The truth is I’m not sure what the hell I want. I’m attracted to her, but someone else holds my heart.”
I try to sit up, but he holds me against him.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I guess you could say I’m floundering. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t care who the hell knows that I’m gay.”
I smile against him.
“I know you’re gay, but I’ve seen you watching Sylvia. I thought you wanted her. You confuse me.”
“I’d rather not go there, because I confuse myself.”
“So the person who has your heart is a guy?”
“Yeah…Noah. Carla’s missing brother.”
Oh boy!
“Does anyone else in your family know?” I ask, knowing that there is no way his parents know, or at least his mom doesn’t know since she keeps on him about getting married and having children. His father though—I’ve caught him looking at Ramon a few times, deep in thought. I hadn’t really thought anything about it until now.
“My brothers. I’m going to talk to my parents sometime soon. In fact, if Mom keeps on, it will probably be sooner rather than later.”
“You’re parents love you unconditionally, Ramon. They’ll accept you no matter how you choose to live your life. I really envy you the love they offer you. I’ve only really had that from my father. Feeling close to tears again, I snuggle more into him, and add, “My baby will know love from its mother.”
He kisses me on the top of my head while caressing his hand up and down my back. “You are going to be a marvellous mother. All I ask is that you don’t rule Lucien out. He’s going to love being a father. It just might take him a while to get with the program. Just promise me you’ll hang in there with him. He needs you Sabrina, and I have every faith that he’ll realize that eventually. It just might be a bit of a bumpy road until he does.”
Even though the thought of constantly being pushed away and hurt by Lucien frightens me, I know I wouldn’t be able to do anything else so I say, “I promise.”
I feel him smile against my head. “So you’re going to be giving me a niece or nephew… I think Ramon’s a good name.”
I pinch him on the stomach. “It’s a great name. We’ll see.”
“You need to get some sleep.”
“Will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
“I guess it’s a good thing that I’m gay. It will stop you having your wicked way with me.”
Rolling my eyes, even though he can’t see, I swat him on his hip and tell him, “In your dreams.”
Chuckling, he gets up from the sofa with me in his arms and starts heading toward the bedroom.
“If I’m staying then I need a bed. That sofa of yours was made for a midget.”
“That sofa was made for sitting on, not sleeping on.”
He gives me a sleepy smile, and carries me into my room. Placing me on my side of the bed, he helps me to get under the covers before he turns the lights out.
I hear the rustling of his clothes as he takes his jeans and shirt off, and then I feel the bed dip.
“I should have asked first, but are you okay with me sharing your bed?”
“I’m good.”
“Then come over here and let me hold you while you drift off.”
I do as he asks. I really do love him...like a brother.
Chapter Ten
Lucien
Waking to the shrill ringing of my cell after drinking close to a bottle of scotch last night isn’t something I’d recommend. My head feels like a sledgehammer is working away inside. I think the last time I experienced a hangover like this was in college.
Still trying to blindly grab for my cell, I finally have it in my hand and hit one of the keys—stopping the damn noise. But now all I can hear is Sabrina in my head. It takes my brain a few seconds to realize the sound is coming from my cell. I obviously hit answer.
Lifting my cell to my ear, I mumble, “Yeah,” while staying stretched out on my stomach. I feel too damn sensitive to move an inch right now.
“Lucien?”
“Sabrina, are you alright?”
She sounds breathless. She certainly wakes me up anyway.
“I’m, um, good. I was wondering if you could meet me near the gazebo at Woodland Park. I need to talk to you and it’s really important.”
I hear the nervousness in her voice and will be the first to admit that even though she always has my interest, I’m more than curious now.
“I can do that. Can you give me an hour?”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you then.” She hangs up without a goodbye and I realize that she must still be pissed with me.
I let my hand drop to the floor with my phone wondering how the hell I’m going to be up and looking human within an hour.
~*~*~*~
After parking, I climb out of my SUV and make sure my shades are in place. It’s hot as hell out today, which isn’t helping with the throb in my head. It could be worse I suppose. Thanks to a concoction that Ruben invented, I’m feeling a hell of a lot better than I did when I woke up. The park is busy with families out enjoying the sun and all the facilities the area has to offer.
Walking over the grass towards the gazebo, I can’t help glancing over to the skate park. My brothers and I used to spend many a Sunday afternoon on there with our skateboards that we’d gotten for Christmas. In fact, if I remember rightly, it wasn’t long after that when Sebastian broke his wrist. He’d been showing off to some girls with a stunt he’d only ever seen done on television. Regardless of that we’d had some fun here in the past.
My mind wanders back to my woman. My woman. I clench my fists wishing like hell that I’d been dealt a different set of cards. A set that didn’t have the car bursting into flames six years ago.
On a heavy sigh, I look towards the gazebo, and there she is. Standing in the shade of a large maple tree looking as beautiful as ever. She takes my breath away and always has—since the first time I set eyes on her.
As I observe her now, she looks nervous. Her fingers play a pattern of nerves across her body, starting with brushing the hair back from her face and ending with her fidgeting with the white cardigan she’s wearing. What could she be nervous about? I sigh. I’m stupid. She’s obviously nervous about meeting with me. Every time we’ve been together, I always end up hurting her in some way, whether it’s intentional or not, it happens. So I guess it’s no wonder she looks ready to run.
I pause to take her in and then get my feet moving forward. The space between us seems larger than it is but I take my time so I can drink her in. She is breath taking with a light pink sundress that caresses her breasts and flares at the hips. The soft fabric comes to a stop just above her knees and it gives me a view of her deliciously tanned legs that go on for miles. She makes my mouth water. The thought of anyone but me getting beneath that dress and between her legs has me clenching my teeth with jealousy.
Within a few feet of her, she turns and freezes. “Lucien,” whispers between her lips.
“Sabrina.”
Will I always want to touch this woman?
I give her a quizzical look and pat the seat beside me when I notice she hasn’t moved from her spot under the tree.
“Sabrina, please come and sit with me and tell me what you need to. You’ll feel better when you’ve gotten it out.”
At least I hope she will.
She moves and sits beside me, not as close as I would have liked, but I guess that’s to be expected.
She doesn’t stop fidgeting.
I let the silence settle around us before asking, “What’s going on with you? I know I’ve hurt you Sabrina, but you don’t need to be nervous about telling me anything. Anything at all.”
“I’m nearly three months pregnant,” she blurts.
I laugh. “Is it mine?”
The minute the words leave my mouth, I never wished for anything to be unsaid as much as I do at this moment.
What the hell am I thinking asking her that? Of course the baby is mine.
Baby! I’m going to be a dad.
I stand and look anywhere but at Sabrina. I sure as hell don’t want her to see how her words have affected me. I can’t think properly. I’ve always wanted children of my own, but back then I imagined having their mother by my side. Now I’m not too sure it’s going to work out that way.
A baby.
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I try to pull myself together before turning back to Sabrina, which is when I realize that my careless words have crushed her. She’s now standing and slowly moving around to the back of the bench. Her eyes are glazed and her mouth is loose as though she’s in shock. I reach out to her, but she flinches away from me.
“Sabrina…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean those words. It was a shock. It was the last thing I expected you to say. Please stay and talk to me.” I’m begging right now and I don’t give a damn. I need to make Sabrina realize I believe her that the baby is mine and, I need her to know that I want to be involved every step of the way. I could also do with sometime to breathe. Sometime to get used to the bomb she’s dropped on me. I’m sure as hell not going to walk away from her now. Now she has a part of me growing inside her.
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