“I can’t. Not right now. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you right now.” She turns and starts walking away, back toward the car park leaving me standing here. Watching her go, I’m still numb with what she’s told me.
I yank the sunglasses from my face while I continue to watch her wondering how the hell I’m going to get her to believe me. Believe me when I say I want to be part of the baby’s life…and hers.
Ramon will know about her condition. I’d bet anything he knows. I need to talk to him and get him on my side. Thanks to me getting Ramon involved a few weeks ago, she’s obviously become a friend of his. In fact, he’s always there, at her apartment. If I didn’t know Ramon’s sexual preference, I’d have interfered by now.
I frown as I watch her. She seems to be leaning slightly. Her right hand comes out as though she needs to lean against something…and then it happens…
I’m suddenly running towards her as I watch her in slow motion fall to the grass.
Skidding to a halt, I’m on my knees beside her shoulders. I check her pulse, and sigh when I feel one, although it’s a bit erratic.
I cradle her face in my hands and kiss her cold lips. “Sabrina,” I whisper against her. “Please baby. You have to be all right. I’m sorry for everything. Just, please be okay.”
“Mmm,” she mumbles, starting to come around.
“Sabrina, baby. Open your eyes.”
They flutter, but stay closed.
“Sabrina. I need to see your eyes.”
They flutter a few times before she stares at me, and after blinking a few times, she struggles to sit up.
“No.” I get to my feet and pick her up in my arms. “I’m taking you to the hospital to get checked out.”
She doesn’t say anything, but she gazes up at me for what feels like hours before saying, “Okay,” as she closes her eyes and snuggles into my chest.
She’s the only woman ever to bring me to my knees! I’m totally fuckin’ screwed.
Chapter Eleven
Sabrina
Waiting for the doctor to come into the room with my test results is excruciating. Not only am I lying in a hospital bed after Lucien had insisted on bringing me in to get checked out, but he insisted on staying—announcing he is my fiancé. That sure opened my eyes. Fiancé! I’d have loved nothing more than to call him my fiancé a few weeks ago. Even now my heart flutters thinking about it but my head knows the truth. The only reason he’s throwing that word around is so he can stay with me when the hospital has a family only policy.
I think he’s trying to be supportive, but all he’s doing is making me feel uneasy. I’d ask him to leave, but I don’t have it in me when I can see how concerned he is for the baby, and perhaps me. I can dream.
Hearing someone at the door, I glance at Lucien who is already watching me before I turn towards the door to see the doctor coming in with a nurse in tow.
“Hello Sabrina, Lucien. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.” He walks further into the room and sits beside Lucien. “Let me put both your minds at rest. Your baby is doing as expected. But Sabrina, you need to take better care of yourself. I can see you’re not sleeping well and the tests show you aren’t getting enough nutrients inside you. When did you last eat a proper meal, and I don’t mean a meal that you spent the entire time picking at.”
I have no idea when that was. I usually have fruit for breakfast to help my stomach settle, and then maybe half a sandwich for lunch and bits and pieces in the evening, which I’ve had trouble getting down lately.
“I’m not sure,” I finally hedge and catch the frown that crosses Lucien’s handsome face before I notice the matching one on the doctor’s.
“Young lady, you need to take better care of yourself. Not just to make sure your growing baby is getting all the healthy nutrients that it needs, but also to keep you strong and healthy.” My cheeks redden under the chastisement I just received as the doctor turns toward the tablet in his hand and starts typing. “I want you to stay in the hospital for tonight, just to keep an eye on you. If all is well tomorrow, I’ll release you in the afternoon…if, and only if, you have somewhere to go where you will be looked after because I want you off your feet for a few days.”
“That won’t be a problem,” Lucien speaks for the first time since the doctor walked into the room. “She’s going to be moving in with me so I’ll make sure she gets plenty of rest and is well looked after.”
I am?
The doctor nods, a hint of mischief in his eyes, “That’s a wonderful idea. I’ll leave you to get some rest, and I’ll be back to check on you in the morning, but if you need me before then ask one of the nurses to call me.”
“We will. Thank you doctor,” Lucien says, shaking his hand.
I’m still too stunned to say anything as the doctor leaves. I knew my life was about to change when I confessed to Lucien that I was pregnant with his baby, but I had no idea I’d be moving in with him. I guess it was a foregone conclusion really. No matter what he thinks about how his life should be lived at the end of the day Lucien is very much a family man. I guess I’ve taken his decision to stay away from me before I hurt him out of his hands. I just hope he doesn’t hate me for it because I couldn’t live with his hate. That would destroy me.
“You’re quiet,” Lucien observes.
He has his head dipped slightly, his hands in his pockets as he watches me from beneath hooded eyes. I’ve seen him like this before and it’s his way of trying to defend himself against something he isn’t going to like. Is he expecting an argument from me? My refusal to move in with him?
Although I’d love to be moving in with him under different circumstances, I’m not going to turn this opportunity down. If we’re together so much, it will give me the opportunity to prove to him that I want to be with him and that his scars don’t bother me.
“Sabrina, please. We need to talk before you get it into your head that you don’t need any help and you refuse to move in with me. I want you there damn it.” He paces the floor in front of the hospital bed.
My silence is obviously killing him, which isn’t my intention.
“Lucien, I’m not sure what is going on inside that head of yours, but I’m willing to do whatever the doctor says to make sure we have a healthy baby.” I place my hand over my stomach and caress where I imagine the baby is lying now. Lucien follows my actions like a starving man.
“Can you feel,” he pauses, “the baby?”
“Not yet.”
Disappointment flickers in his eyes.
“It’s too soon, but my stomach feels harder to the touch.” I hold my hand out to him. He hesitates for a few seconds before he comes back and sits besides my hip on the bed, placing his hand into mine.
Tingles of pleasure shoot through my body at his touch. I drop my head and look at my stomach in hope that he doesn’t notice the blush running rampant on my face.
His hand tightens in mine, which is a reminder that I’m holding his. With a nervous smile, I shove the covers past my stomach and lift the hospital gown so that he can feel my stomach properly.
The bedding pools in my lap as I bring his hand and place it against my stomach.
He inhales.
Our eyes meet.
His eyes move to my stomach in wonder as he starts to caress over my skin where his baby is growing. My heart feels so damn heavy in my chest as I watch him.
He really has no idea how handsome he is. He only has to walk into a room and my panties practically melt away when I look at him. Not only is he sexy, but he is so damn lovable. I only have to watch him with his family and see how much he loves them for my heart to fall deeper for him. Yes, I want to be the woman who gets to keep him—to love, honour and cherish him. I’m just not sure that it’s going to work out for us. I know he desires me, and perhaps cares for me, but not in the way that I want him to. Not in the way that I care for him—love him, even.
“Our baby, Sabrina,” he whispers. “I can’t believe…
I never thought…” He clears his throat. “I don’t just want you to move in with me. I want you to marry me before our baby arrives. I want you to have the McKenzie name.”
I stare at him thinking he’s saying one thing, but I’m dreaming he’s saying something else. “What? I’m not sure I follow. You pushed me away. You hurt me more than anyone ever has. I’ll move in with you while I’m pregnant, and I promise you will always have access to your son or daughter, but I’m not sure I want that kind of commitment from you when I know that isn’t what you want. When I know you’re only here with me because of the baby, and not because you want to be with me.”
My heart tightens like a fist is squeezing it but I push down the pain…the longing. I’m not ready to jump into marriage with him because of the baby I’m carrying. I want him to realize that he can’t live without me. I want him to propose to me because he loves me. A girl can dream.
He doesn’t say anything, but lifts his hand from my stomach and moves to the chair beside me.
I decide to get everything out while I can. “I’m guessing you’d be expecting sex while we are living together, whether that’s as we are now, or as man and wife. If you are, then I can tell you that you being with someone else while you’re with me would be a deal breaker. We wouldn’t recover from it. I don’t share.” I take a deep breath knowing he really isn’t going to like what I have to say next. “You also need to talk to someone. Me, one of your brothers, a therapist, because you can’t carry on thinking the way you do about your body. It isn’t healthy. I’m not like your ex. The only thing that bothers me about your scars is the fact that you were badly hurt, in pain and that you’re still suffering. I’ve told you repeatedly that I care too much about you to let them bother me, to let them affect our relationship, but you won’t listen or don’t trust me enough.”
I gaze long and hard into his eyes before his slide away to look at anything but me. I know he’s still listening, still weighing my words, so I keep going, “During the time we were together, I kept trying to touch you—to hold you—but you would always knock my hand away and end up fucking me from behind, as though you didn’t give a shit about me. I can’t do that again. If we are going to do this, then we are going to do it slow and we are going to have a healthy relationship. If you can agree to give me a chance without anyone or anything else getting in the middle, then I’ll agree to be engaged to you for now. As for marriage, we’ll see how it goes.”
Chapter Twelve
Lucien
Well, she’s certainly told me. Until I heard her words, I had no idea just how badly I’d hurt her. Towards the end of our time together, I’d acted the way I had to push her away from me because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay away from her otherwise, but look where that has gotten us.
She’s gotten under my skin and into my heart, which is the last place I intended for her to go. But what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Hell, my life was so much easier before Sabrina arrived back in Lexington. Ever since then, I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride.
She’s going to be the mother of my child, which means I have to give something. I was brought up to take responsibility for my actions, not to be ignorant about them.
But what the hell am I going to do with her? What am I going to say to her to make this right between us—to make it right so she feels comfortable being with me again because I have the feeling that, once I get her inside my apartment I’m not going to be able to let her leave. Considering I said I only ever wanted sex to be between us my feelings now make a liar out of me.
“Lucien?”
I drag my eyes from her stomach and meet her worried gaze.
She really doesn’t need my shit right now. She needs reassurance more than anything.
“I heard everything you said Sabrina, and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I wish I could say that it wasn’t my intention, but I’d be lying. I wanted to push you away so that you’d hate me enough to turn me away when I came after you again. I’m totally screwed up, and don’t know what the fuck I want anymore. I thought I knew. Then you arrived in town and ever since the first day I met you, what I want has been totally upside down. I can’t promise I won’t screw up again, but I can promise you that as long as we are living together, whether it’s as friends or man and wife that there will never be anyone else. In that you have my word.”
I take her hand, and let out a sigh of relief when she slides her fingers through mine. As she holds on tight, she caresses my thumb with hers.
“As for the touching,” I gulp, “I’ll try. For you, I’ll try. My back, hip and buttock are the worse parts and they aren’t pretty.” I can’t meet her eyes now that I’ve admitted that.
I feel a slight tug on my hand, and looking up, meet her gaze.
“I’m not oblivious. I know you were badly burnt, and I need you to believe that I have no intention of running because of that. I like you. In fact, while we’re being honest with each other, I’ll even go as far as saying that I more than like you. You make me feel good,” she blushes, “and when we were together at first I really felt like you were my friend. I’ve missed you.”
I’m guessing that was difficult for her to admit because I’m not sure I can get the words out to let her know that I missed her as well.
Clearing my throat, I change the subject slightly, “On the way to my apartment, we’ll stop by your place and you can lounge on your bed while you give me packing instructions. Also, do I need to let your mom or the doorman know your forwarding address?”
She groans. “I forgot all about my mom. She isn’t going to be happy about this whole situation. She’s not really the most understanding of people.”
From what I’ve heard, that’s a bit of an understatement. But I’ll be damned if I let anyone upset her. “Don’t worry about your mom. I’m going to be with you when you see her and I promise to put her in her place if it’s required. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my responsibility now, which means I protect you.”
She rolls her eyes.
“Lucien, although I kind of like the idea of you protecting me now, I’m not sure I need it from my own mother. She can be…difficult for want of a better word. I just don’t want to get her back up anymore than it will be when I tell her I’m pregnant.”
Is she for real?
I stand and loom over her with my hands on either side of her head. “She is your mother and should be damn well happy that she’s going to be a grandmother. If she’s anything else, then I’m not going to stay quiet.”
She reaches out and places her hands on either side of my face. It takes everything in me not to move out of her reach, but I promised to try, and if this is how she wants to start, then I’m sure going to hold still. It might be different when she tries to touch me anywhere else on my marked skin.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” she whispers. “I wish you would believe me.”
I close the gap between us and place a tender kiss on her lips. “I’m trying, okay. I wish it was easy, but it isn’t. I’ve been like this for close to six years so I’m not sure I’m suddenly going to wake up one morning and be back to the way I was before the fire.”
“I don’t expect that.” She brushes the hair from my forehead. “We’ll take it slow, but you have to let me try to help you.”
“I will.”
I kiss her again, meaning I really will try.
“Well, it’s about time you got your act together,” Ramon announces.
By the look on Sabrina’s face, she’s just as surprised to see him in the room as I am. I certainly didn’t hear the door open. I was lost in the woman who is currently holding my hand, caressing along my scarred thumb.
And yes, Ramon notices, although he tries to hide the fact.
I kiss Sabrina on the knuckles before dropping into the chair beside her bed, not wanting to let her go.
Ramon stands at the other side of the bed and leaning over, he kisses her on the cheek before asking, �
�Are you really, okay?”
“I’m okay. Just tired.”
“Do I need to move in with you?” Ramon asks Sabrina while smoothing the blanket over her.
“I’m good Ramon, thanks.”
“She’s moving in with me.”
Two pairs of eyes focus on me.
Forcing myself not to fidget under my brother’s stare, I add, “She needs looking after, and…we’re getting engaged.”
Ramon starts laughing. “You my brother were looking for any excuse to keep her in your life. Now that she’s given you one you’re jumping at the chance. I honestly thought it would be more difficult for you to come round, but I guess I was wrong.”
I see the curiosity in Sabrina’s eyes, which I choose to ignore. I’m not going there and I wish my brother had kept his big mouth shut. He knows what he’s doing. Although his heart is in the right place, I really wish he’d keep his thoughts to himself instead of blurting them out in front of Sabrina. God knows what he’s been telling her behind my back.
“So you’re going to be living in sin,” Ramon asks, dragging a chair over before sitting in it and facing me. “I mean, Mom isn’t exactly going to be happy with that situation, especially with Sabrina having a bun in the oven.”
“Christ, Ramon,” I splutter.
“What?” he asks with a look of innocence.
My eyes narrow. “You know what! Don’t you have something better to do, instead of pissing me off?”
“Actually I do. I’ve come to visit with this beautiful woman…not you.”
“Lucien, don’t say anything else,” Sabrina tightens her hand on mine in warning, “and you,” she points at Ramon, “stop trying to work him up.”
“It’s working.”
“I need to rest and stay calm, which isn’t happening if you two are winding the other up. So please stop.”
“Okay, truce,” Ramon says. He gets to his feet and walks around the bed coming to a stop in front of me. Holding his hand out, which I take, he hauls me to my feet and tugs me into a hug. “Congratulations. If anyone deserves Sabrina and this baby, you do.” He pats me on my back before taking his seat again, leaving me shaken.
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