by Fiona Palmer
‘Jaz you look absolutely beautiful,’ said Tasha as she popped her head into her room. ‘You just need a smile. Come on, Pax wouldn’t want you to wallow.’
Her mum was right. Yet her smile was still absent.
Jaz stood by her full-length mirror, her silver halter-neck dress catching the light from the window and reflecting like shiny chrome on a car. Jaz had kept her hair down and her jewellery to a simple elegant silver necklace and hoop earrings. Her eyes were made up in a dark smoky look, lots of black and silver, eyeliner and mascara. She liked them like that, it seemed to fit her sullen mood. It seemed weird to be going to a wedding, enjoying new beginnings and happiness, when she was still getting over Pax’s death. His funeral wasn’t until Wednesday.
Jaz didn’t feel like going but she didn’t want to disappoint Steph, and she also knew it might be her only chance to see Ryan. She had a gut feeling he’d chop off his right leg to make his sister’s wedding.
‘Do you need a lift, honey?’ asked her mum, entering her room and putting her hand on her shoulder.
‘No, I’m fine. Don’t think I feel like drinking, but if I do I’ll take a taxi home.’
Jaz leaned into her mum’s shoulder and sighed like a vice had just pressed her lungs together.
‘I know, Jasmine. I miss him too.’
***
Jaz headed to Crawley and pulled up outside the Matilda Bay Restaurant, which was the site for the wedding and reception. She climbed out of her black Jeep Wrangler and locked it. She followed the little blackboard signs pointing the way to the wedding and felt a little out of place. She didn’t really know Ryan’s sister that well and, beside her future husband and Ryan’s parents, Jaz wouldn’t know anyone else at the wedding. She’d be the one standing awkwardly in the corner. For this reason she arrived just before Steph was due to appear so already people were down by the Swan River, where views of the city skyline, Kings Park and all the boats and yachts on the river made for a stunning backdrop. Instead of a red carpet aisle, Steph had a white one over the lawn, with white fold-out chairs at either side now occupied with guests. There were two large gumtrees either side of the aisle framing the river view and a few smaller trees at the back, which were filled with round white paper lanterns. All the white seemed to echo the white boats floating on the glassy water. Blue and white flower bouquets were tied to the chairs along the aisle, just enough blue to add some colour.
In the middle, waiting patiently, was Gazza, whose shaggy hair had been tamed and his dimples were like big craters with his nervous smile. He was chatting to his best man. Their soft grey suits, white shirts and blue ties were in keeping with the overall colours.
Jaz then remembered the blue dress Steph’s friend and bridesmaid, Suze, had found when they’d gone shopping together. Suze, that would be another person Jaz almost knew.
She stepped closer to the crowd, her heels sinking into the lawn. She’d thought about flats, but she wanted something nice for when she saw Ryan. To be able to look into his eyes and see for herself if he was doing okay. Jaz was glad the crowd were all facing the river, but most kept looking back to see if Steph had arrived, and that’s when she saw Ryan.
Her chest contracted and she almost gasped as her body was overcome with longing. His dark eyes met with hers across the sea of heads and he stood up suddenly. He looked amazing in his fitted suit, but it was his face she couldn’t look away from. They must have stood watching each other for what seemed like ages before his mum reached up, slapping his arm and saying something that sent Ryan striding down the aisle towards her.
Jaz could only watch as he came closer. She was so in love with him it hurt. Dark mysterious eyes that displayed his soul; she would never tire of them.
‘Hey, Jaz. Was starting to think you weren’t going to make it,’ said Ryan, his voice husky and sexy. His eyes dropped down over her body, from the plunging V-line, fitted waist and split that opened up down the length of her left leg to her high silver heels, and then back up again.
She revelled in his appraisal and couldn’t help but reach out to adjust his white tie, needing to touch. ‘Sorry, I didn’t want to get here too early considering I don’t know anyone.’ She let go of his tie and flicked her lashes up towards him. Those dark eyes were swimming with emotions, with flicks of red and gold; she tried to decipher them. Did his shoulder still hurt? Was his mission going okay?
‘How are you going?’ she asked as she breathed him in. Her mouth began to water at the thought of kissing his neck and drinking in his scent. It was sharp and sensual.
Ryan looked over her shoulder and then reached for her elbow. ‘Come, we’ve kept you a spot up with us.’
He led her past all the people down the middle of the aisle, which was a little nerve-racking as people gawked at her, wondering who she was. Music started up as they made the front row and Ryan’s mum Kathy welcomed her. Gazza was too nervous to talk, he just shot her a wonky smile.
‘Glad you could make it, Jaz,’ said Kathy, in a bright green mother-of-the-bride outfit that had maybe a little too much lacework on it.
Ryan sat on the empty seat on her right, sandwiching her in as if she was a part of their immediate family. Seeing as she was the only girl Ryan had ever brought home, maybe they thought she almost was. Even though Ryan had set them straight, saying they were just friends, but had any of them really believed that? Jaz glanced at Ryan and found he’d been watching her. Could he tell? Was it all over her face? She felt her face glowing with the smile that was instinctive whenever he was near.
The crowd started ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ as Suze made her way down the aisle in the afternoon warmth. The air was fresh and saturated with Ryan. She was sure the gentle breeze was wafting his cologne purposely under her nose. Jaz turned to see Suze in a full-length soft blue strapless dress that fell in soft folds from under her breasts. Behind Suze came Steph, with her father Frank guiding her along. He wore a smile from ear to ear as he watched his daughter with pride.
Steph wore a lace headpiece with a small beaded veil that draped over her curled hair. Her dress was a strapless beaded bodice with a soft falling skirt. She looked radiant and was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue the moment she saw Gazza waiting for her.
Jaz sat through the ceremony and wondered if she’d ever get married. With her life working for the agency, would she be happy to marry and settle down? Maybe at some stage, but at eighteen it wasn’t something she’d thought a lot about. However, as she glanced across to stare at Ryan’s hands resting on his thighs, she couldn’t help thinking she’d spend the rest of her life with Ryan quite easily. His hands were strong and manly. She remembered them over her skin, holding her breasts, buried in her hair, holding her as he kissed her hungrily. Jaz swallowed as she tried to keep those memories at bay. Lifting her eyes, she found him watching her again. Her breath caught in her throat as those dark circles drew her in and exposed her. Did he know exactly what she’d been thinking? Had he been remembering it too? There was heat in his eyes, a desire she’d seen before, and she so desperately wanted to kiss him, or even just hold his hand.
Ryan cleared his throat and shifted in his seat so he was almost facing away from her, and watched the rest of the ceremony. Jaz felt the loss of his attention and shivered.
Frank gave away his daughter and came and sat beside Jaz, Kathy moved up to the edge of the aisle with her camera clicking away.
‘Don’t you look lovely,’ said Frank, leaning across to kiss her cheek as he sat down in the vacant seat.
In another five to ten minutes, Steph and Gazza (who she learned through their vows was actually called Gavin) were married and everyone clapped and cheered.
Jaz stood back as everyone went to congratulate them and in the end it was Steph who came to her with a hug.
‘So glad you’re here,’ she said. ‘I’ll catch up with you later,’ she added with a wink before they departed for some wedding photos.
Frank yelled over the crowd that drinks would be at the
courtyard before the reception, and slowly everyone mingled across to the large building that had many windows to take full advantage of the river. The courtyard had been decorated with more round lanterns hanging from overhead lines and tall cocktail tables were scattered about, with some extravagant white lounges off to one side, giving people a choice of seating. Waiters started bringing around glasses of wine and beer, others with plates of finger food. Jaz reached for a glass, mainly because she felt like the red jelly bean in a bag of green ones. Ryan was caught up chatting to a couple of pretty girls, Jaz was hoping they were cousins as she was sure she could see some similarities, and Kathy and Frank were busy mingling with family and friends. So against her previous statement, Jaz took a big sip of the wine and went for a stroll by the river.
She stopped not far from the water’s edge and watched the way the river lapped at the sand so gently. The water and the view had kept her entertained for the whole glass of wine; in truth, Jaz hadn’t really seen any of it, just staring off into space. Lately she’d felt more like an outsider not really partaking in life. It all seemed too hard with Pax, Sal and Ryan all mixing up her emotions.
‘Are you Ryan’s girlfriend?’ came a female voice.
Jaz turned to find not a woman but a girl, maybe around twelve. She had wavy blonde hair and a short blue dress on.
‘No, I’m just a friend. Why? Do you like him?’ she asked teasingly.
The girl giggled. ‘No, he’s my cousin,’ she said screwing up her face. ‘Why are you standing out here all by yourself?’
‘Well, because I don’t really know anyone besides Ryan and Steph, and they are both busy.’
‘You know me now. I’m Juliet. And that’s my big sister Alison who’s with Ryan.’
Ryan saw them glance across to where he stood with the girls. ‘She’s sixteen and my other sister Sam is eighteen. I’m the youngest.’
‘Wow, lots of sisters. And you are all very pretty.’ Jaz held out her hand. ‘Hi Juliet, I’m Jaz. I only have a brother who’s nearly fifteen. And thank you for coming to talk to me.’
Juliet smiled and shook her hand. ‘Jaz, that’s a cool name.’
‘It’s short for Jasmine,’ came Ryan’s voice behind them.
Instantly her body pulsed with adrenaline.
‘What do you think of my friend, Juliet? Do you think she’ll survive the night with our family?’ Ryan put his arm around Juliet, giving her a gentle squeeze.
‘I think so. She has me as her new friend. I’ll make sure she’s not left alone.’
Jaz smiled, she liked Juliet lots already.
‘Alright kiddo, can you take this back to the table for me? I need to talk to Jaz, if that’s okay. I’ll bring her back soon,’ said Ryan, and he took her empty wine glass and gave it to Juliet. ‘Thanks, squirt,’ he added as she walked back to the courtyard.
‘She’s lovely,’ said Jaz, watching her go.
‘I think you have a new best friend. Sorry for leaving you alone. I forgot you don’t know anyone here and I’ve been trying to get away but my family haven’t seen me in ages. You know, the same old story,’ he said lightheartedly. ‘Come for a walk?’
Jaz nodded and they headed away from the wedding party.
They walked in silence until they found a vacant bench by the river, not far from the boat ramp. After they sat Ryan turned to her, reaching for her hand, and Jaz began to smile until she heard his words.
‘I’m so sorry about Pax, Jaz. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you,’ he said tenderly.
Jaz turned away and focused on a boat moving with the small waves. She couldn’t afford to tear up now, not with all the eye make-up she had on. Closing her eyes, she revelled in the feel of his hand holding hers, the warmth it brought, almost electric. It gave her strength.
‘I feel as though I killed Pax,’ she whispered. It just came out, her innermost thoughts, which she’d kept buried from everyone else, just gushed from her when Ryan was near. He was the only one she could share this with, and not until she’d spoken the words did she realise how much they’d been weighing her down.
‘What are you talking about, Jaz? James said it was a heart attack.’ He tugged at her hand, making her look at him. ‘Tell me.’
‘I,’ Jaz paused. If she said the rest out loud, did it make it true to some degree, and what would Ryan think about her when she told him about Sal? Would it change their relationship? Would he see her differently? Did she risk it?
‘Spit it out, Jaz. I want to help.’
How could she argue with that? Still she couldn’t help feel that this conversation would change things. ‘I asked Pax about Salvatore. I told him how he took my medallion and how Sal thought it was his.’ Jaz thought she’d just better blurt out the whole lot at once and rip that bandaid off. ‘I then asked him if it was possible that Sal was my father. I don’t know if it was talking about Sal that set off Pax’s heart attack, or maybe he was already having one when I got there, but the thing is I didn’t realise he was struggling. I was so caught up in my own problems, my own stupid thoughts about where Salvatore, the medallion and I fitted in that I didn’t see the signs. I should have, Ryan, maybe I could have saved him.’ Jaz struggled with the last sentence, felt the big beachball working its way up her throat, turned away and blinked rapidly.
‘No, don’t think like that, Jaz. You know it won’t bring him back. Damn.’
She turned back to him when he swore. It confused her, but he looked even more confused; actually, he seemed torn. But she wasn’t sure over what. Maybe he did want to hug her, just not in public? He took his hand away and all of a sudden she felt a chill spread over her skin.
‘Jaz, I went and saw James the other day. Mainly for work, but while I was there I asked him about Salvatore.’
Her eyebrows shot up. This she wasn’t expecting. Why would Ryan do that? ‘Why? What did you say?’
‘After what Salvatore said about your medallion I couldn’t get it out of my head, so I asked James about your mum.’
Jaz squirmed on the seat. Just talking about this made her so uncomfortable, especially knowing it had been bothering Ryan also. ‘And?’ she prompted.
‘He told me that your mum’s last mission had been to get inside the De Luca family and she did this through Salvatore. He said that your mum ended up caring for him and that she believed he was a good guy stuck in a bad family. Then she went missing. Jaz, from the time she went missing and you were born is about nine months.’
His words hung in the air like storm clouds about to hail. Eventually she spoke. ‘So you also think Sal is my real dad too.’
‘You do have similarities and it all fits. Why else would your mum run away to give you a better life? She didn’t want anyone to know about you, not Sal in case his family controlled you, nor her own family for what they’d think. Maybe she was worried they’d make her terminate the pregnancy? If what James thinks is true then she did love him, but not enough to leave the agency.’
‘So instead she left them all.’
‘All for you,’ he added.
‘So the guy everyone has been trying to catch, the agency’s work, the man who killed your best friend, could very well be my father.’ Her words were spat out a little harshly but she was feeling angry. Angry that something so major was kept from her. Angry that this could change her life and angry that it would change the way Ryan felt about her. ‘How can you tolerate to even look at me knowing that?’ She tried not to bite her lip too hard.
‘Jaz.’ He said her name as he ran his hand over his head. ‘Don’t be like that. You are nothing like him. You can’t take on his errors just because you might be related. It doesn’t work like that. You are still the amazing you.’
‘Then how come you’ve been avoiding me,’ she whispered as she felt her anger drain away and her fears come crawling into its place.
‘I haven’t,’ he said unconvincingly. ‘I’ve been busy.’ He glanced around for any close-by ears, but they were alon
e. ‘I was lucky to make it here today, Jaz. I’m deep undercover now, Jamison has given me a job as his driver and the next step is to continue to work my way in. I’ll be off the grid for ages, months, maybe even years, however long it needs to take. You know that.’
Yeah, she did and it sucked rotten eggs. She felt like a two-year-old; a tantrum wanted to erupt from her but she held it in, along with her frustrated tears.
‘I won’t even be able to communicate with you, let alone anyone else. I was actually hoping you could help cover with my family, especially Steph. I’ve told them all I’ve got a job on a cruise ship in security and that will get me to Peru where I’ll trek up to Machu Picchu. I figured it’s somewhere off the beaten track where I’m unreachable. I’ve written a few postcards, they’re in my house. Can you post them off every few months?’
She couldn’t very well say no, now could she? Here he was, trusting her with his family and his secret. Surely that wasn’t all just work related? But she could feel him slipping away. Already his mind was on his job and she knew what he was implying.
I’m going to be away for a while, I may not come back, there is nothing for us. Well, she added the bit at the end but she was sure that’s what he was implying. The wall he was building between them was going up at a rate of knots, as if he’d become a skilled brickie overnight. The space beside her was feeling cold and empty and she craved for his warm hands but they stayed by his side.
Taking in the strong line of his jaw, his full lips and up to his eyes, she tried to memorise it all. She knew the risk he was undertaking and that tonight could be the last time she ever saw him. It made her want to throw herself at him, sob uncontrollably and refuse to let him go. But she didn’t.
‘Of course I’ll do that.’ And her heart was breaking with every word. ‘Please be careful.’
Chapter 9
Ryan was mesmerised by Jaz’s eyes, always had been and always would be, but today with the dark make-up she was looking hauntingly beautiful. The pain of Pax was still fresh in her eyes; the sadness pulled at his chest, as well as a mingling of other emotions. He could tell she’d been battling with the thought of Salvatore as a father. He still didn’t have his head around it and he wasn’t personally affected like Jaz.
