by Fiona Palmer
Seeing her turn up at the wedding, he thought he’d be prepared, he thought he was right in his mind but he was nowhere close to control. She’d stolen his breath, his mind, his body. No woman had ever done that to him. Even now, sitting beside her was hard. He felt like a raging teenager as he battled to keep it on lockdown.
He’d just told her that he was going deep undercover, he could be away for ages and she knew the risk, knew it could well be the last time they see each other and her reaction had floored him. He truly saw the strength she wielded. A beautiful person who seemed so slight but was a tower of muscle and smart, maybe a little headstrong and seemed to find trouble easily, but it was a heady mix. One he seemed incapable of resisting.
‘Are you sure you’re okay with that?’ Did part of him want a bigger reaction? A hug? Kisses? Her clinging to him in a goodbye embrace? Even though it would just make things harder. He was torn but he knew the right thing to do was to walk away and not lead her on. What happened in the Wicked van was a one-off, it didn’t come with commitment ties and they both knew that. Their line of work made it impossible. The agency work had always come first in his life, even almost before his family.
‘Yes. You need me to help out, I’m here. If there is anything I can do to help with Jamison, you know where to find me. Okay?’
She fluttered those thick eyelashes and her words drifted away into nothing as he lost himself to her eyes again.
‘Um, so what are you going to do about Salvatore?’ asked Ryan as he forced himself to look at the river instead. He might have half a chance of focusing if she didn’t smell so divine. Like a field of flowers in the spring sunshine, his head was swimming in it.
Jaz sighed heavily. ‘I don’t know, Ryan. Can I do anything? I don’t want to go to Mum about it. I can’t have her finding out that I’m working for the agency, not after everything she did to go into hiding from those she loved. I want her to have that dream for as long as possible. And I don’t want to have anything to do with Salvatore. Paul is my father.’
‘So you don’t want to find out for certain? Do a DNA test. It would be easy to get a sample from Salvatore.’ Ryan would do it himself if it was what Jaz wanted.
‘Do I really need one? It all fits. My skin, dark hair, Mum being his girlfriend and the dates. I’d just rather leave it be. As long as he doesn’t try to find me, it’s all good. Everything can go back to the way it was.’
Ryan studied her face. He didn’t think she believed anything could go back to the way it was. No Pax. A drug lord as a father. Being with Ryan in the Wicked van. He was sure it all had changed her in a way. Jaz had changed him, he knew that. She’d made his life fuller, along with her crazy dedicated friends, and yet at the same time she made it more difficult.
‘If you’re sure?’
Jaz shrugged her slim but muscled shoulders. She could hit like a boxer though she wasn’t built like Rambo. She was a secret weapon in her own right. He loved that combination of femininity and power.
‘Come on then, let’s go get something to eat. They are passing around some finger food and it’s yum.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll introduce you to my family. I’m sure they’re all dying to know who you are.’ He’d seen the long glances, his aunties whispering about the new girl and did anyone know who she was. He’d bet his right arm that most of them assumed she was his girlfriend.
It would be nice to let them all think that.
Together they walked back to the party and Jaz ate the finger food passed around while Ryan chatted to people. He made sure she was always by his side and introduced her to aunties and uncles, old friends and cousins.
His cousin on his mother’s side sauntered up to them. He was a few years younger than Ryan and used too much hair gel and cologne. He held out his hand to Jaz, his eyes starstruck. Jaz did have that effect on people even though she had no idea. ‘Hi, I’m Brent, Ryan’s cousin.’
Ryan pushed Brent away. ‘Goodbye Brent.’
‘Hey,’ he said, but he stayed away when Ryan shot him a cold stare.
‘That wasn’t very nice,’ said Jaz. ‘You even gave him your killer glare.’
‘Believe me, I’ve just saved you.’ Ryan took a sip of his beer before he spoke again. ‘Killer glare, what do you mean?’
She raised her brow at him. ‘You can be a very scary man, Ryan. When I first met you I had a feeling you were dangerous. I’ve seen that look and I know it kills,’ she whispered. ‘Literally,’ she added.
He knew she was thinking of Pakistan. He wished that hadn’t happened for it had been traumatic for Jaz and he never wanted to see her go through that again, yet in this line of work he knew it wasn’t the last time. ‘You were scared of me?’
‘I did think you were stalking me, remember.’
Jaz smiled and he could feel his own face break out in a goofy grin. ‘Gosh, those were the days, weren’t they?’ It seemed as if that was years ago, when she was just an innocent young girl who seemed to keep popping up on his radar. ‘You didn’t seem to stay away.’
‘Bit hard when you were everywhere I was,’ she teased. ‘But to answer your question, I don’t think I was ever scared of you, I just had a feeling you could be very scary if you wanted to be. Yet the man I was getting to know had a big heart. I could tell you were a good person, even with that killer glare and those mysterious dark eyes.’
He chuckled at her description of him.
At this moment he felt like he was flying; he was with his family and this time with Jaz was amazing and all seemed so great and happy. But he knew tomorrow would be a different story and it stabbed him in the guts every time he reminded himself. Time could be so fleeting.
‘Hello darling, sorry I haven’t got back to say a proper hello.’ Kathy came up and draped herself in his arms. He narrowly avoided the bright red lipstick kiss to his cheek.
‘Hey Mum. Steph be back soon?’
‘Yes, I’m rounding everyone up now to head inside. Jaz, you’ll be sitting with us, right next to Ryan,’ said Kathy.
Ryan chose to ignore his mum’s blatant matchmaking.
‘Thanks Mrs Fletcher, it’s been a beautiful day,’ said Jaz, who didn’t seem fazed by his mum.
‘It’s Kathy,’ she growled warm-heartedly, before talking about the wedding with Jaz.
He stood there watching the exchange. His mum was so taken with Jaz and it was weird merging the two lives he had together. To have Jaz share his family and his agent life was surreal. Made his life seem not so disjointed.
Before long, they were ushered inside the building to a special function room that his mother and Steph had spent hours preparing. Fancy white coverings with blue sashes were over each chair, situated at round tables with homemade blue name tags and bright centrepieces of white bouquets up in high glass vases and blue beads that draped from them. The bridal table had two white chairs with the extra high backs, like kings and queens sit on. There were more balloons near the dance floor, which was at one end of the room.
It didn’t take long for his family to all find time to chat to Jaz. Curiosity must have got the better of them. As long as he could keep Brent away then it was all good. But she looked like she was enjoying herself and he caught her laughing and smiling lots and he was glad. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could have handled that sadness haunting her eyes, and scooping her up in his arms would only make matters worse.
They made their way through the meal and dessert, watched Steph and Gazza cut the cake, and then there were the speeches. Damn, he’d been dreading this bit all day.
‘Ryan, if you could come up here,’ said his dad after giving a moving speech. ‘I believe you have a few words for your sister.’
He clamped down on his jaw and at the same time felt a hand clutch his arm.
‘You’ll be great,’ said Jaz beside him. ‘Relax.’ Her lips curled up into a smile just for him.
How did she know him so well? He thought he was so good at keeping his emotions hidden, in many situati
ons it was his strength, but Jaz had always been able to see right through him. How did she do that?
She drew her hand away, and he got up to join his dad by the bridal table where he held the microphone.
Ryan had left his jacket draped over his chair and automatically rolled up his shirtsleeves. It felt hot in the room all of a sudden.
He took the microphone and glanced at his sister and Gazza instead of the eighty people in the room. ‘Well, Gaz, you’re a gutsy man to take on our Steph but we’re so glad you’ve taken her off our hands,’ he said teasingly, which drew a few chuckles from the crowd. ‘But in all seriousness, welcome to the family. You are lucky to have found each other and I know you’ll both be happy together. She’s an amazing sister and if you can show her how to cook and clean, I’m sure she’ll make a great wife.’ Steph shook her head and he laughed. ‘You’re the best sister a brother could ask for, and I know I’m not around much these days but it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I wish you both the best as you start your new life together. To Steph and Gazza,’ he finished, as everyone raised their glass to toast them.
Ryan then went and hugged his sister.
‘Thanks bro, I love you too,’ she said, dabbing at tears. ‘I’m just glad you could be here. And Jaz as well. Gosh, she’s a stunner. Are you two dating yet?’
Ryan had just squatted down by her chair but he was tempted to get back up and walk away. ‘I wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world, Steph.’ If she only knew the lengths he’d gone to, to be here. ‘And you know Jaz and I are just friends.’
Steph gripped his arm, probably because she noticed how much he was ready to flee. Her face set hard, maybe it was all that wedding make-up but he recognised her serious face. ‘Ry, I’m not stupid.’ She brushed her hair back from her face; she was a bit flushed but that was a lot of wedding dress she was wearing. ‘I’ve seen the way you are together.’
‘We’re really good friends,’ he said with a shrug. ‘I do care about her.’
‘And she cares about you. Everyone’s talking about how you gawked at her when she turned up.’
‘I didn’t gawk,’ he scoffed.
Shit, had he been that bad? She had knocked his socks off. If his mum hadn’t snapped him out of his Jaz trance, he could have ended up embarrassing himself more. ‘I hadn’t seen her in a while. She is gorgeous, who wouldn’t look.’ Which was true, it wasn’t just Brent he was having to fend off.
Steph’s eyebrows nearly met as her forehead creased. ‘Whatever you wanna keep telling yourself, big bro, but for the record I don’t believe it one bit. I think you’re just lying to yourself but who am I to say, I’m just the sister you hardly spend any time with.’
‘Ouch, low blow.’ But he knew it was the truth. His job made him absent a lot and the rest of the time he just found it too hard to see them. All the questions and the probing about what he’s doing, did he have a girlfriend, where was he working. Sometimes it was easier just being the absent brother/son. Until Jaz made him realise that family was important and some things were worth it even if it made life hard. And since then he’d had more contact with his family and it had been nice. Steph even came around to the gym and had met Jaz’s friends. At least he had those guys to cover for him, and by having them about it made Steph feel closer to him.
‘I’m sorry, but it’s true. Come and dance with me,’ she said jumping up.
‘Aren’t you supposed to do that with Gaz?’
Steph made a point of looking for him. ‘I think he went to the bar. Come on. Let’s start a trend.’
She took his hand and dragged him through the tables to the dance floor. The music had been put back on after the speeches and Steph’s favourite band Birds of Tokyo’s song ‘Lanterns’ was on.
‘Remember when you had to chaperone me to the Big Day Out just so I could see the Birds play,’ said Steph as he spun her around. ‘And the sound was awesome by those big speakers. Best band ever.’
Ryan had protested about having to take his sister who was underage at the time, but in the end they’d had a great time together; they had similar taste in music. It was moments like that he knew he should cherish, especially now his little sister was married. Shit, soon she’d probably be having kids.
‘What? What’s wrong?’ Steph asked as she stopped dancing.
‘I was just thinking that soon you’ll be having your own family. I’ll be an uncle. How crazy is that.’
Steph smiled as more people got up on the dance floor around them. ‘It’s strange, for sure. What would be stranger if it was you having the family,’ she teased.
‘Yahoo.’ Their father danced past having the time of his life; his dance partner was Jaz and she was laughing again. It was a sound Ryan never wanted to forget.
‘Daddy,’ yelled Steph and lunged for him. ‘Sorry Jaz, you’re stuck with him.’ She gestured to Ryan.
Ryan smelled a rat but held out his hands to Jaz and smiled. ‘Shall we?’
‘You better be as good as your dad,’ she said taking his hands.
He drew her into his chest and waltzed around the room, well, more like slow circles. Dancing wasn’t his strong point, finding the exits and shooting out targets at the same time was more his style. Glancing at Jaz, he bet it was more hers too.
‘Having a good time?’ he asked her as they decelerated with the change of the song. It was a slow Katy Perry song, not that he’d ever own up to knowing that.
‘Yes, I am actually. I wasn’t sure if I would. Lots on my mind lately but I think this was the break I needed.’ Her eyes sparkled and the lights bounced off her dress. ‘You have a great family.’
He nodded as she leant in and rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. Her hand was on his arm, the other he held in his hand tightly. This close he could smell the frangipani scent of her hair and felt the warmth of her body. Ryan tried to step without treading on her toes but his mind seemed stuck on the skin of Jaz’s lower back where his other hand was resting. He was sure she wore the backless dress on purpose, just to torment him.
‘Jaz, you know today is just … you know it’s the wedding and my family is here … and tomorrow it will all go back.’ Shit, he didn’t know how to say what he felt he needed to say. He didn’t want to give her false hope or lead her on. He knew Steph was right when she said that Jaz cared about him. He could see it in the way she looked at him.
Jaz stopped dancing. ‘It’s okay, Ryan. I get it. I know a goodbye when I hear it.’
Her words were like a steel rod through his heart and he wondered how it was affecting her. He didn’t meant for it to be cruel or painful, just realistic. Yet she had a set, determined expression on her face. One that seemed far too grown-up and understanding. And it was killing him.
‘If you don’t mind, it’s been a long day so I’m going to go home. Goodbye Ryan.’ She stood on tippy toes and kissed his cheek. He itched to shift those lips towards his. ‘I hope I see you again. Be careful.’
Then she pulled out of his embrace and walked off through the dancing partners. Her shoulders were back, her walk strong. He felt like a slinky, ready to bend over and flop, preferably down stairs. He’d been so worried about hurting her that he didn’t factor how much it would shake him. He wasn’t prepared for such a quick goodbye, even though he knew it was for the best.
Damn, she’d disappeared from the room. Shoving his hands into his pants, he made his way to the bar and wondered how he was going to keep a cheerful disposition now the light had left the room.
Chapter 10
Jaz made it all the way to her Jeep and drove home without a single tear. But only because she knew that when she started she may never stop and driving was hard enough in the city, let alone if you couldn’t see. And then she still had to get past her mum who’d want to know about the wedding. Tears, snot and crying like a baby was not what she needed her mum to witness right now. She didn’t want the questions, well, the interrogation more like it. So Jaz sucked it up and even manag
ed a few words to her mum and Paul about the wedding.
‘I got a few photos,’ she said. ‘But I’ll show you tomorrow. Right now I wanna have a hot shower and scrub this make-up off.’
‘Yeah, you do look a bit freakish,’ said Simon with a cheeky grin. He’d just walked into the kitchen in his striped pyjamas and blond hair.
‘Says the walking banana.’ Jaz hugged him because she felt the need, leaving poor Simon a little confused to her sudden affection. ‘I need sleep. I’ll see you all in the morning.’
‘You sure you’re okay, Jaz?’ said Tash, pulling her in for a hug on her way towards the stairs.
Paul was at the table with a cuppa and a big book, but he looked over the top of it with concern.
‘I’m fine, guys. Just tired. Was hard to smile lots when you don’t feel like it,’ she said. Her voice wavering just a tad. If she didn’t go soon she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d last, especially when her mum was hugging her so hard. It was if she knew she was cracking, like an egg held too tightly. Soon she’d burst apart into a gooey sobbing mess. ‘Night. Love you.’
Pulling away, she headed up the stairs, taking her shoes off as she went. Inside her room she let the shoes fall to the ground, about the same time the first tears dripped from her chin, and flopped onto her bed in an unladylike manner.
The barrage of emotions she’d managed to contain since that moment on the bench seat with Ryan when he more or less said goodbye overtook her. And then again on the dance floor, where he made her heart feel like a bashed-in piñata. It had taken every bone in her body, every ounce of strength she had to keep it together but now she let it go. At this rate she wouldn’t need a shower, as she’d cry all her make-up off. But after half an hour or more of wallowing in sobs she managed to get into the shower, scrub her face raw, then climb into her worn pyjamas and crawl back into bed.
