I Do Not Sleep

by Judy Finnigan

  I sighed. It was no good. If I didn’t meet Adam, he’d only go storming off on his own, find Ben and no doubt start a humungous row. Ben would shut the door in his face, and probably disappear to avoid talking to us. It was best I was there to keep things calm. And I suddenly remembered that Len had said something else on his last day. He said I must talk to Ben; he said the boy was important. Ben was next. The old man’s mysterious messages had all made sense so far. Perhaps I should talk to Ben before I went back to the island. Perhaps that was the right order; the Charmer knew what he was talking about.

  I walked into the Crumplehorn. It was a big pub, full of dark brown tables and banquettes, and I couldn’t see Adam at first. Eventually I found him in a small side room, an airy red-carpeted snug containing just two tables, one of which was empty. At the other Adam sat nursing a half of cider. He looked very serious and I was glad that we had the room to ourselves.

  He stood up when he saw me. I raised my eyebrows at his cider, and he looked at his watch. ‘It’s nearly midday. Do you want a drink?’ he asked.

  ‘Nothing alcoholic, not yet. I’ll have a Diet Coke, please.’ Adam stuck his head into a hatch dividing the snug from the bar, and moments later my Coke stood on the ledge. He passed it to me and sat down.

  ‘Right,’ he said. ‘How are we going to go about this?’

  ‘Adam,’ I began. ‘Of course we must talk to Ben, about everything that was going on between him and Joey that Easter. But we must tread carefully; if we don’t, I think he’ll bolt. Let me fill you in on what I heard last night at the Blue Peter.’

  I told him what Queenie and Wren had said about Ben’s strange behaviour at that time, about what Wren called the ‘Manchester gangsters’ and Ben’s involvement with them. Adam listened eagerly. ‘Can I meet this Wren?’ he asked. ‘It seems like he could be the missing link.’

  ‘Yes, you can talk to him later,’ I said. ‘But first we’ve got to find Ben. Please, Adam, when we talk to him, let me take the lead. If you get angry, he’ll just walk out.’

  Adam looked belligerent, then he flung his head back and gave a great sigh. ‘Yes, OK, Molly. That makes sense. You always were closer to him. He saw you as a substitute mother, I think.’

  I was grateful for Adam’s obvious effort to be conciliatory. ‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘I was always very fond of him, and I think he trusted me. It’s been a long time, and something terrible happened to Joey, but I agree with you that Ben knows more than he’s ever said. We must get it out of him, but, Adam, I beg you, be gentle. He’s still young, and whatever it was, he’s probably traumatised by it.’

  Adam nodded in agreement. I got my phone out of my bag and pressed Ben’s number.

  He answered immediately.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  We sat in the garden at Coombe. Ben had agreed to talk to us, but not at the pub. I suggested the old farmhouse, because Adam had told me Danny and Lola had taken Edie out for the day. I also knew Ben had fond memories of the place, having joined us there on so many family holidays as Joey’s best friend.

  So we picked him up at the car park, and drove back to Treworgey. Ben was bashful, shy, and Adam was as good as his word. He talked to Ben in a fatherly way, asking about his work and his life, and by the time we got to Coombe the atmosphere in the car was as cordial as it could be, given the circumstances.

  When we arrived at the house, I realised Adam was wrong about Danny and Lola. It turned out that they had gone to the beach earlier, but it was crowded and Edie was playing up, so they’d come home. When we walked into the garden Edie was in the middle of a marathon hike, chubby legs stomping over the grass, an enormous grin on her face, and her parents were dutifully clapping her progress. Ben saw them all before they noticed him, and stopped short. His eyes widened with a kind of wonder as he looked at the baby; at that moment Danny looked up and saw his little brother’s best mate. He got to his feet with a whoop, and engulfed Ben in a strong embrace. Edie stopped in the middle of her power-toddle, staring at the stranger wrapped in her daddy’s arms. Then she tottered across to them and flung her own little limbs around their legs. Danny picked her up and thrust her towards Ben. He took her and she immediately gave him a great big sloppy kiss. Ben laughed with delight, twirled her around and all three of them collapsed on the grass next to Lola.

  I watched this happy tableau with tears of happiness. It was almost as if Joey were here too. I could sense his presence in the garden, see him smiling at his friend, his brother and his niece. Danny had had no idea that Ben was in Cornwall, and was astonished to see him. They chattered and laughed, touching each other on the shoulder, their eyes shining with pleasure at the sight of each other.

  Adam and I left them to it and retired to the kitchen. We had a brief discussion and decided that it was a good thing Danny and his little family was here. Ben would be more relaxed, and we could all have a calm talk about Joey, rather than an awkward exchange dominated by two tense and anxious parents.

  Adam took cider and wine out to the garden; I followed with a tray of glasses, crisps and olives. We set it out on the small picnic table, and Edie immediately started demolishing the crisps. When everyone had a drink I looked at Adam. He nodded, and I began.

  I asked Ben to tell us again what had happened on that Easter day five years ago. Danny looked startled and started to protest. He didn’t want to talk about something so dark on a sunny day with his wife and baby by his side, but Lola calmly stroked his arm, and Danny subsided.

  Ben was silent for a minute, looking down at the grass. Then he raised his eyes and looked straight at me. ‘I’m sorry for running off when you tried to talk to me the other day, Molly. I couldn’t talk to you then. I’ve been thinking hard since. I can’t tell you any more than I know, and you must understand, both of you, Adam and Molly, that I really don’t know where Joey is.’ He looked pleadingly at us, his handsome hawk-like face with its prominent nose and sharp intelligent eyes restlessly sweeping from Adam’s face to mine.

  ‘What happened, Ben? Why did Joey take the boat out on his own?’ My voice was gentle.

  Ben stood up and walked to the end of the garden. Edie watched him with interest. He stood next to the fence and faced us all with a desperate dignity.

  ‘This isn’t easy,’ he said quietly. ‘I’ve behaved like a shit. I’ve been trying to forget what happened for five years now. But I’ll tell you. You’ll probably hate me. I actually hate myself. But you must believe that I didn’t mean to harm Joey. I would never have done that in a million years. I loved him, you see.’ Ben looked at each of us in turn, fastening his gaze at last on Danny. He kept his eyes on Joey’s brother as he began to tell us his story.

  ‘You know all about the drugs I took when I was a teenager; I was pretty wild then, completely out of control. That’s why Mum threw me out–I used to fill the house with some real dross, dealers, and she couldn’t take it. She had M.E. as well; some days she couldn’t get out of bed. Dad was useless as far as I was concerned, and his new wife couldn’t stand me. I don’t blame any of them now; I was really obnoxious. But at the time I hated them, I was so angry. I used to come to your house with Joey for Sunday lunch, and I wanted what he had so much: a normal, loving family.

  ‘It wasn’t until I went to university that I began to calm down. I started to feel more normal. I was no longer a sixteen-year-old freak with no home and parents who detested me. I was an ordinary student, living in a Hall of Residence, and doing well on my course. I discovered I had a talent for film-making. I had a future at last and I was ambitious. I virtually stopped the drugs; I calmed down. And then, in my second year, something happened. I faced up to the idea that I was gay.’

  Danny’s eyes widened with surprise. He glanced at me but I was just as astonished as my son. I had had no idea of Ben’s sexuality. He saw that we were both startled and smiled ruefully.

  ‘I’m not surprised you didn’t guess,’ he went on. ‘I went to great lengths to conceal it. I never cam
e out at school. I had girlfriends like everyone else. Joey had no idea, nobody did. I never told a soul. But it was soul destroying, and in my second year I started to crack up. I went to gay clubs, got picked up by older men, but I hated myself. I started to drink a lot, and I got back into drugs big time; not only weed, but cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine. Eventually heroin. I wasn’t an addict, but I was getting there fast. Joey couldn’t understand it. He’d thought I was clean, and suddenly I was worse, more obnoxious than I’d ever been.

  ‘We’d planned the boating holiday in Polperro for a long time, but Joey got cold feet when I fell off the wagon. He wanted to cancel it, but I was desperate to get away from Manchester, so I promised him I wouldn’t do anything stupid while we were away. Joey wasn’t happy, but I think he felt responsible for me.

  ‘So off we went, and I was ecstatic at first. It couldn’t last, though. Joey hadn’t a clue about my sexuality–I was still pretending to fancy girls. But I started to unravel in Polperro. You see, being gay wasn’t my only secret. It wasn’t even the biggest, and there was no way I could confide in Joe. The fact was… I was in love with him. Had been for years.

  ‘When we’d been at our cottage for a couple of days, I got very drunk one night. Like a fool I made a pass at Joey; I climbed into his bed. He was shocked, of course. He pushed me out and we had a fight. It ended with me in tears, hysterically telling him I was in love with him.’

  ‘He never told us about any of this,’ said Adam, looking bewildered. I reached for his hand.

  ‘He never had the chance,’ I said softly. ‘He disappeared soon after.’

  ‘The next day,’ continued Ben, ‘I apologised and tried to explain. Joey was sympathetic, but I could tell he was deeply uncomfortable. He wanted to call time on the holiday and go back to Manchester, but I begged him to stay. I promised I wouldn’t do anything stupid again. I couldn’t bear the thought of us both going home, knowing that Joey would probably drift away from me out of sheer embarrassment. I’d known him since I was four, and I’d loved him for so long. The thought of losing him as a friend was horrible. Anyway, Joey agreed we should stay in Polperro, but he started going out for long walks on his own. Just to get away from me. I was miserable and heart-broken, and spent most of my time in the Blue Peter. I was drinking heavily again and one night some guys I knew from Manchester suddenly arrived. I had no idea why they were there at first. They were pretty much the scum of the earth, I knew that, but I was feeling like scum myself, full of self-loathing. I knew them well from my drug-dealing days.’

  ‘These were the same men Seb and Nina told me about in Manchester,’ said Adam to me. I squeezed his hand.

  ‘I was just a mixed-up kid when I got to know them, but they were the real deal. Big-shot dealers and pushers, very dangerous. I had no idea what they were doing in Polperro, but bizarrely they seemed glad to see me. They bought me endless drinks and they slipped me free cocaine. They told me they’d left Manchester for a while because it had got too hot for them; a lot of increased attention was coming their way from Manchester CID, and they decided to chill out in Cornwall for a while. They told me it was great to see a friendly face, and they kept flattering me, saying they’d heard how talented I was, and how I was obviously heading for the big time. They were convinced I was going to be discovered and become a shit-hot Hollywood film director. Of course half of me knew it was bullshit, but my self-esteem was on the floor, especially as Joey had rejected me. I let them flatter me, and allowed myself to feel bitter about Joey. Maybe he’d feel differently about me if I was a famous director. Maybe he’d be sorry he’d turned me down.’

  I felt desperately sorry for Ben. To have loved my son so much, to have wanted to impress him so he would love Ben back. I knew Joey loved Ben anyway; just not in the way he craved.

  ‘Of course, it was ridiculous,’ Ben went on. ‘Joey was straight, he was never going to fancy me. But I was only twenty and, what with all the alcohol and the coke, their flattery turned my head. At that stage I had no idea what these guys were really planning, why they were in Cornwall, or why they were being so nice to me.

  ‘One night in the pub, they told me about a “sweet little deal” they’d done. They’d organised a massive haul of cannabis, cocaine and heroin to be shipped over from Holland. They needed to hide it for a while, and the boss decided to do that in Cornwall. It’s always been a smugglers’ paradise, the guys said. A record haul of marijuana, worth millions, had been smuggled ashore at Talland Bay in the seventies, and hidden in a secret compartment under the counter at the local beach café, appropriately known, even now, as The Smuggler’s Rest.

  ‘But what they were planning was a lot more audacious. The launch carrying the drugs would pull up on the southern shore of Looe Island.’

  I stiffened. The island. Where my dream had taken me last night.

  ‘That beach is completely hidden from the mainland, so it would be a perfect place to unload the cargo, but it was also a dangerous place to land, rocky and treacherous. Still, assuming it could be done, the island would make a great hiding place for the drugs, because underneath the surface it’s supposed to be honeycombed with ancient caves. They could stash the stuff there; no one would ever find it except them. They told me if I helped them, they’d pay me enough to go to film school in New York. I’d already told them that it was my life’s dream, but I knew I’d never be able to afford it.

  ‘I was drunk, of course, when they told me all this, and it struck me as quite exciting. But the promise of the money had me salivating. It would mean the biggest break of my lifetime. I said I’d do it, and then asked–a bit late, of course–what they wanted me to do.

  ‘Actually, it sounded easy. They just wanted me to go on a recce for them before the boat set off from Holland. They needed to make sure that the southern shore of the island was still accessible as a landing stage; smugglers and wreckers had used it in the past, but that was a long time ago. It was all the stuff of lore and legend, there was nobody around these days who could confirm the shore was viable for boats, but my guys needed to make sure their Dutch crew could get the stuff ashore when they landed. They wanted me to do it because everyone in the area knew who I was; I’d been coming to Polperro with Joey and his family since I was a kid, and everyone knew I was mad about sailing. Nobody would even blink if I went off in my boat to do some exploring. If these Manchester bruisers did it themselves, they’d have to charter a boat, and the skipper would have asked a lot of questions.

  ‘So I agreed to do their recce. We shook hands on it and the deal was done.’

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  ‘Where did Joey fit in?’ I asked him. ‘What happened next?’

  Ben began to look upset. ‘That night, Joey came into the Blue Peter while I was going over the plan. He knew who those guys were of course, vicious gangsters from the Manchester underworld, and he hated me talking to them. He came straight over and asked me to leave with him. I refused, but Joe was adamant. We started to row, and one of these guys, the biggest bruiser, stood up and told Joey to leave me alone. Joe went over to the other side of the bar and started talking to Wren. Queenie was staring at us. I was sure she knew something was up. Joey threw me a filthy look and left the pub. I wanted to go after him, but the big guy wouldn’t let me. They kept on buying me drinks. When I eventually got away, he followed me to the door. He swore me to secrecy. He said if I told anyone about their plans then not only was our deal off, and I could whistle for the money, but that he personally would make sure my arms were broken so badly I’d never pick up a film camera again. I got the message, and went back to our cottage.’

  ‘Was Joey there?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes. We had a really bad fight. Joey was furious with me. He said he knew I’d got thick with that scum, as he called them, and he assumed they were giving me drugs. Eventually I broke down. I was beside myself; I was sobbing and telling Joey how much I loved him and how he’d broken my heart. And then, in a pathetic attempt to make mys
elf look better in his eyes, I started boasting about going to film school in New York. Joe just looked at me sadly and went to his bedroom; I heard him turn the key in the lock. That made me even more upset, that he wanted to lock me out. He’d never done that before.’

  ‘Was that the night before Joey went out in the boat on his own?’ Adam looked grim but determined.

  Ben nodded. His eyes glistened with tears. ‘I woke late the next day, very hungover. Joey had already gone. He’d left a note on the kitchen table.’

  This sad, confused young man stood up, and pulled something out of his trouser pocket. He walked over to me. He held the note out. ‘Read it, Molly. I’ve kept it all this time. I brought it to show you today because I decided I had to tell you.’

  He looked around at Adam, Danny, Lola and Edie, who was sitting open-mouthed, staring at Ben as if she’d understood every word he’d said. ‘I had to tell you everything that happened.’ He looked shamefaced. ‘I didn’t dare show you Joey’s letter before. I was wrong to keep it from you. I’m sorry.’

  I took the piece of paper. Ben walked back across the lawn and sat down next to Danny, whose poor face looked old before its time. Joey’s letter was scrawled on a piece of A4 ripped out of an exercise book. I breathed deeply and read it:

  Ben,

  I’m leaving you to sleep. Last night was bad and I guess you need to sleep it off.