A Life Without Regrets

by Marci Bolden

  Lara’s eyes saddened as she tilted her head. “That’s not how to face your traumas, Carol.”

  “I thought I could force myself to stop feeling so screwed up all the time if I finally faced…” Her eyes started to burn, and she silently cursed herself. “I’m so tired of feeling like this.”

  Lara squeezed Carol’s hand. The concern in her dark eyes had grown into what looked like borderline fear. “I get that. I do. But you don’t do that kind of stuff alone. You have a family to help you with that. We’re here for you. You need to lean on us right now.”

  “I am.”

  “No, Carol, you’re not,” Lara stated. “You’re burying yourself in your grief like that’s going to make you process it faster.”

  “I’m trying to figure out how to live without my husband.”

  “You’re running because you aren’t willing to face your life without your husband.”

  Carol scoffed as she sat. With her back to Lara, Carol put her feet on the floor and set the photo of her wedding day on the nightstand. “Way to be supportive,” she grumbled.

  “I am being supportive.”

  “You sound like my mother, Lara. I don’t need to be judged right now.” After pushing herself up, Carol headed to the box she’d opened. “You have no idea what I’m going through or how I’m trying to cope.”

  “You’re not coping. That’s the point.”

  “I just told you that I’ve started therapy.”

  “You’re isolating yourself,” Lara stated. “That’s not healthy.”

  Facing her sister-in-law with another wrapped frame in her hands, Carol glared. “I’m not isolating myself.”

  “Traveling alone is the very definition of isolation. Do you want to end up lonely like…that whiskey-drinking loner?”

  “Gillian,” Carol clarified. “Her name was Gillian. The difference is she chose to be alone. My husband is dead. I don’t have any living children. I’m traveling alone because I am alone.”

  Lara’s eyes softened into that sympathetic look Carol hated receiving. “You’re not alone. You have a family, and we love you. Come home to us. Let us help you.”

  Furrowing her brow, Carol asked with a sharp tone, “Help me what?”

  “Grieve. Recover. Live again.” Crawling off the bed, Lara crossed the room in three long strides and pulled Carol into a hug.

  Carol tried to pull back before her facade could thaw, but Lara held tight. Closing her eyes, Carol sighed as she melted into the embrace and a surge of emotions made her tears return. Damn it.

  “Mary isn’t the only one worried about you,” Lara said. “Elijah sees what you are going through, and he feels like he’s letting Tobias down.”

  “Oh, don’t you do that,” Carol said, her voice thick with emotion. Pulling back, she narrowed her teary eyes at Lara. “Don’t you dare try to guilt me into getting your way.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You just did. You said my problems are making Elijah feel bad.”

  Lara shook her head hard enough to make her shoulder-length black curls bounce. “No, I’m telling you what’s going on because you don’t seem to be able to see beyond your own pain. Your family is hurting too. We lost Tobias too, Carol. And now, we’re losing you.”

  “You’re not—”

  “You are pulling away. You are going to that place that only Tobias could reach, but he isn’t here to reach you anymore, Carol. You have to let us help you.”

  “You can’t help me,” Carol insisted on a whisper.

  “We can. But you have to let us. You can’t really believe driving around in that RV is making this better.”

  Carol exhaled loudly, suddenly exhausted. “You know, I have to defend my choices to my mother. I’m not defending them to you. I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for me.”

  “Doing what?” Lara asked.

  Returning her attention to the box, Carol sifted through the contents but didn’t really see them. “What am I going to do in St. Louis that I can’t do in my RV? What’s going to be different if I stay here?”

  “The difference is, you’ll be surrounded by people who love you. People who miss you.”

  “That sounds great in theory, but what am I going to do with me?”

  Lara brushed a tear from Carol’s face. “Spa days with your favorite sister. Shopping days with your beloved nieces. Family dinners every Sunday.” Lara all but begged, “Come home. Being here isn’t the same now. I get that. I do. This isn’t what you had planned for your future. This isn’t what any of us had planned. If you want to travel, then travel, but don’t live alone on the road with nowhere to call home. Not when we want you here. Not when you’re still recovering.”

  Moving around Lara, Carol dropped onto the bed. Pulling the paper from the photo, she sighed. The image peering back at her was of the last anniversary she’d spent with Tobias. Their smiles were so wide, so full of love. “Being here hurts,” she confessed. “He’s been gone so long now. I can’t feel him anymore, Lara.”

  “You can’t run from losing him forever,” Lara said gently.

  “I’m not running,” Carol muttered. “I’m not coping well, but I’m not running.”

  Lara sat on the bed next to Carol. “What do you call it?”

  Carol blinked a few times and then sniffled. “I’m trying to figure out where I belong now.”

  “You belong here,” Lara said.

  Shaking her head, Carol faced Lara. “Lately… Lately, all this feels like another part of Tobias that I’ve lost.”

  “You haven’t lost us,” Lara said, wrapping her arm around Carol. “You will never lose us.”

  “I don’t mean our family. I mean this place. This city. St. Louis used to be our home. I used to feel so at peace here. Even when I was here with John a few months ago, I felt like I was coming home. This time, though… Everything is just a reminder, Lara. Everywhere I go, everything I see, is just a reminder that he’s gone. I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know where I belong.”

  “You belong here,” Lara stated sternly.

  Carol set aside the photo and skimmed the room. She didn’t want to continue the debate. Lara would never understand the hollow ache in Carol’s chest. “I hear what you’re saying. I do. The truth is…if I stayed here, Mary would hover. You would hover. I love you guys for worrying, but I have to find my way on my own. I know you want to help, but you can’t.”

  “We’ll give you room if that’s what you need.”

  Carol sighed. Lara could say that a thousand times, but Carol knew better. One of the things she loved about Mary was that her maternal instinct ran so deep. She could sense Carol’s despair like the pain was her own. Mary would spend every waking moment trying to fix Carol’s shattered soul. Carol didn’t want or need that kind of attention focused on the pain she was trying to sort through. She’d never been one to lean too heavily on someone, other than Tobias.

  Rather than continue talking in circles with her sister-in-law, Carol opted to redirect Lara’s attention. “Simon’s going to be in town for Thanksgiving. He wants to have dinner.”

  When Lara didn’t respond, Carol glanced over her shoulder. At first, Carol thought maybe Lara didn’t know who she meant, even though she’d met Simon a few months before at the ceremony Carol had held to donate Katie’s House to the children’s hospital. However, she knew Lara remembered the man and how she’d mercilessly teased Carol about how handsome he was. Lara wasn’t trying to remember Simon; she was processing some bit of information she’d picked up from Carol’s revelation.

  “This is what’s bothering you, Carol,” she said after a few moments. “It’s not being here. It’s the idea of seeing Simon again. What did you tell him?”

  “I told him maybe. But…”

  Lara dipped her head down and eyed Carol in the way only a sister can. “But?”

  “He wanted to fly out to Utah when I was there. He said we could do some exploring together. His suggestion was per
fectly innocent. Even so, I told him no. Then, everywhere I went after that, part of me wished he were there. I wished that I weren’t alone.” Her chest grew tight as her tears returned. “I shouldn’t be thinking that.”

  “Why not?”

  Carol looked at her, and Lara wiped a tear off her cheek.

  “You think Tobias is gonna get jealous?” Lara asked. “Think he’s gonna care if you’re thinking about the future instead of festering in the past?”

  “Don’t do that,” Carol whispered. “Don’t dismiss my feelings like that.”

  “I’m not dismissing anything. I’m trying to make you see that it’s okay if you think about someone who’s here, someone who can spend time with you. Tobias would want you to move on and be happy. You know that, don’t you?”

  Carol nodded because she couldn’t find her voice, holding back a sob. Moving forward felt like dishonoring two decades with the greatest love of her life. Tobias hadn’t even been gone two years. She shouldn’t be thinking about a future with anyone.

  Brushing her hand over Carol’s hair, Lara said, “Have dinner with him. Dinner doesn’t mean anything.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think…”

  “What?”

  “I used Simon to pick myself up after losing Katie. I’m not going to do that to him again.”

  Lara was quiet for a moment. “I seem to recall how happy Simon was that he was able to help you. He wasn’t resentful or angry that you’d taken the help he’d given you to build a life without him. He seemed like he genuinely cared about you, like we all do. Why won’t you let him help you now?”

  Carol closed her eyes. Another discussion she didn’t want to delve into. “I’ll think about it,” she said after a few drawn-out seconds. “That’s all I can promise right now.”

  Caroline eased open the door to the hospital roof. Dr. Miller hadn’t been seen for quite some time, and she was getting worried. They’d lost one of the patients he’d been treating. The little boy had been admitted with pneumonia several days prior. His health had deteriorated steadily since, but his death had happened suddenly, surprising everyone. Though Dr. Miller hadn’t been the boy’s primary physician, he’d taken the loss hard.

  Caroline had been with Dr. Miller when they’d heard the news. She’d seen the way his shoulders had drooped and how the constant sparkle in his eyes dimmed. As soon as the chaos settled, he’d disappeared and hadn’t been seen since. She’d been searching the hospital for the last fifteen minutes before finally deciding to check the roof. As soon as she pushed the door open, the wind whipped around her. Though the weather was clear, the tall buildings surrounding them created a wind tunnel effect. The roof always had a steady current.

  She almost didn’t see him standing just outside the amber glow of the lights, but then she noticed movement close to the edge of the building. Narrowing her eyes, she peered into the shadows until she made out his silhouette against the city lights.

  Letting the door close behind her, Caroline didn’t hesitate in heading toward him. Dr. Miller had come to the children’s hospital eight months prior. From the day he’d started, she’d felt a level of ease with him that she rarely felt with anyone. The two kept a professional distance, but there was an underlying friendliness there that made her comfortable seeking him out.

  Stopping at his side, she looked up at his drawn face, even more distressed from the mix of light and shadows. Even when he was troubled, the man was handsome as hell. She probably would have chastised herself for that observation, but he turned his light brown eyes to her, and her breath lodged in her throat. The pain in his gaze pinned her where she stood.

  Something unspoken passed between them in that instant. There was a silent acknowledgment that they knew each other on a deeper level than they should. They understood each other in a way no one else could possibly understand. The sensation shook Caroline. She creased her brow as the feeling settled over her. She’d never felt this kind of belonging before. The connection made her uneasy because it felt so right.

  “This is the hard part,” he said, pulling her focus from the strange sensation.

  She couldn’t find words to reply. Part of her was analyzing the unexpected moment that had passed between them. She simply nodded and put her hand on his without thinking. The second she touched him, she realized her mistake. However, before she could pull away, he entwined his fingers with hers and tugged her to him. Wrapping his arms around her shoulders, Dr. Miller hugged her tight. Though she shouldn’t have, she held him back. Possibly even more closely.

  He was clearly seeking solace, but Caroline’s heart fluttered in an unexpected way. More than once, she’d found herself watching him from across the room. More than once, she’d caught him watching her. Every time, she’d told herself those looks didn’t mean anything. Nevertheless, the way her breath suddenly became shallow and the wave of heat that rolled through her told her something completely different.

  Nothing about the embrace was inappropriate, but her heart started pounding and her knees grew a little weak. Oh. She was in trouble. Her brain told her to step away, to go back inside, to leave him to mourn the loss of his patient on his own. She didn’t listen. Instead, she leaned even closer to him, wrapped her arms even more tightly around his waist, and pressed her face into his shoulder.

  Caroline didn’t know how long they’d stood like that, but they’d embraced long enough for her to consider how perfectly their bodies fit together. When he finally pulled back, her arms ached from hugging him so firmly. She would have laughed at herself if he hadn’t leaned away just enough to look down at her. The yellowish-brown light caused his eyes to look even more intense.

  She thought he might kiss her, and she had a flash of all the ways she might react. Certainly, she should tell him no. She was married. Sure, her marriage was a disaster on the best days, but she was married. Another part of her wanted Dr. Miller to kiss her. To make her feel something. Even shame would be better than the emptiness John had left her with for so long.

  She slid her hand to Dr. Miller’s face, and he lowered his gaze to her lips. If she had the courage, she would have made the next move. She would have closed the whisper of a gap between them. But she didn’t. As always, she was too scared to take what she wanted.

  He seemed to be having the same debate, but for him, logic won out. He put a foot or so between them as he lowered his hands. Once again, the wind whipped around Caroline, colder now than even a few minutes ago.

  “Thank you for checking on me,” Dr. Miller said. “I’ll be fine. You should get back to work.”

  If not for the obvious longing in his eyes and the yearning in his hug, she might have been offended by his dismissal. He was sparing them both. He was drawing a line she clearly hadn’t been willing to draw. Even so, she stood as if she didn’t know what she was supposed to do next.

  Dr. Miller cupped her cheek and lightly brushed his thumb over her skin. “Go inside, Caroline,” he said quietly. “I’ll be in soon.”

  Swallowing hard, she turned and headed toward the door. As she opened it, she looked back. Dr. Miller had stepped from the shadows to watch her leave. Of course he had. He always watched her leave.

  Carol had avoided answering Simon’s calls for two days, blaming her supposed full schedule on her family, but seeing his name on the caller ID first thing in the morning, she knew she couldn’t continue to hide from him. The peace she’d found by sitting on Mary’s porch watching the sunrise instantly rolled into a ball of nerves in her stomach.

  “Good morning,” she said after mustering up the courage to connect the call.

  “Hey,” he said. “I thought you were going to let me go to voice mail. Again.”

  Despite her determination to be annoyed at his persistence, she smiled. “I thought about it. I’ve only had one cup of coffee. I need at least two to fully operate.”

  “I was hoping to catch you before you got busy.”

  “Well, you did,”
she said as she refilled her coffee mug. “How are you?”

  “Good,” he said. “On my way to work.”

  “Get the budget stuff worked out yet?”

  He laughed wryly. “Are budgets ever worked out?”

  “Rarely,” she conceded. “However, I have an immense amount of faith in you.”

  “Well, you’re a club of one.”

  They shared a laugh, but Carol knew the small talk was leading up to the real reason he was calling.

  “You never confirmed if I’m going to see you in St. Louis later this week,” he said, taking the inevitable turn toward the heart of the conversation.

  Carol closed her eyes. “Um, when are you thinking?” She was stalling to scrounge up an excuse to avoid seeing him.

  “I fly in Wednesday afternoon, out Sunday morning.”

  “Oh,” she said, faking disappointment. “That’s not long, is it?”

  “I could stay longer if that means I get dinner out of you.”

  She smiled despite herself. The last thing she wanted was to let Simon flatter her, but he had a way of doing just that.

  “You can say no,” Simon offered. “If you’re busy or don’t want to see me for whatever reason, tell me no, Caroline. That’s okay.”

  Sinking into a chair at the table, Carol let her shoulders sag. “This is only my second Thanksgiving without Tobias. I was so numb last year that I didn’t really allow myself to feel it. I don’t know how good my company will be, Simon. I’m struggling right now, and I don’t want drag you into that.”

  “I understand,” he said gently. “Maybe seeing a friend would help.”

  “Maybe. Can I call you back this evening and let you know?”

  “Of course.” He tried to sound upbeat, but she heard the underlying disappointment. “I’m almost to work. I’ll chat with you later.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Hey.”

  “Yeah?”

  She opened her mouth but stopped short of telling him she did want to see him but she was simply overwhelmed at the moment. Mary shuffled into the kitchen before the words tumbled from Carol’s mouth.