A Life Without Regrets

by Marci Bolden

  “I don’t need—”

  “I don’t care,” Lara stated, cutting her off. “Mary told me to buy you a sweater for her to give you for Christmas. Pick out a damn sweater so we can get out of this madhouse.”

  “You dragged me here,” Carol grumbled as she grabbed a black cable knit off the shelf. She checked the size, scanned for any imperfections, and then handed the shirt to Lara. “I don’t know why you do this to us every year. We both hate the crowds.”

  “Because the sales are good,” Lara said, adding the sweater to the ever-growing pile over her arm.

  “There are good sales all the way through January,” Carol said.

  “But Black Friday sales are better.”

  Carol shook her head. “Marketing makes you think that, but it’s not true.”

  “It is true. Besides, you spent over an hour picking over every shelf at the toy store, so don’t lecture me about taking too long.”

  Frowning, Carol said, “I was shopping for your girls.”

  “My girls don’t need all that crap you bought.”

  Carol blew a raspberry. “Whatever. My job, as their aunt, is to spoil them.”

  Lara frowned as she turned to another display and sorted through the pile of disheveled clothes. Though there were associates on the floor, they couldn’t keep up with the disarray the herd of customers was leaving in their wake. “Spoiling them would be a lot easier if you came back to St. Louis.”

  Carol glared. “Don’t use those sweet girls against me, Lara. That’s too low. Even for you.”

  Smirking, Lara shook her head and turned toward the line to check out. Neither spoke as they waited their turn. Carol sensed Lara was plotting her next attempt at getting her way, so Carol reminded herself of all the reasons she’d decided to live on the road for the foreseeable future.

  She needed to regain her independence. She wanted to honor Tobias by seeing places he hadn’t seen. Being alone gave her time to think without everyone else invading her thoughts. The quiet of the evening didn’t seem quite so bad in the confines of the RV.

  As they were headed back toward Lara’s SUV, already half-filled with shopping bags, Lara said, “You could move in with us. I’ll need your help if I get this promotion. My job will be more demanding. Adjusting to the demands could be hard for all of us. The girls would love having you live with us.”

  Carol gawked at her sister-in-law, gauging how serious she was in the offer. She seemed serious enough. “I’m not moving in with you,” Carol said.

  Lara pushed the button on her remote to lift the tailgate on her SUV. After they stuffed their bags in, Lara slammed the door shut again. She turned to Carol, but before she could speak, Carol shook her head.

  “Stop it, Lara. I meant it.”

  “Stop worrying about you?”

  “Stop trying to force me to move on in the way that is most comfortable for you.”

  “You aren’t moving on. That’s the problem.”

  “That’s your perception,” Carol snapped. “I have been to hell and back in the last year, and I am so done without people telling me how I should be handling that. My daughter is dead. My husband is dead.”

  Lara jolted as if surprised that she’d finally pushed Carol’s last button. Her mouth opened like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t utter a word.

  “I know you lost Tobias too,” Carol continued with a strained voice, “but he was my husband. My rock. It was my day-to-day life that was turned upside down. You get to go about your routines, your work, your hobbies, and only think about him sometimes. Only be reminded of him sometimes. I wake up every morning an empty bed and the reminder that he’s gone. Every goddamn day, Lara. You don’t get to tell me how to make that better.”

  “That’s not what I’m…” She let her words trail off when Carol challenged her with the lift of a brow.

  “You’re acting like my mother. Trying to force me to live the life that suits you and to hell with what I want. You just keep pushing and pushing without hearing a word I say to you. Like you somehow know what’s best for me.”

  “Damn it,” Lara muttered after a few tense seconds. “You’re right. I am acting like your mother. I’m sorry.”

  The edge of Carol’s anger softened. “I know you’re worried, but I’ll be okay,” she said. “I haven’t figured out how yet. But that’s not something that moving to St. Louis is going to fix. I need time, and I need space. I need my sister to understand that.”

  “I’m trying,” Lara said. “I really am. You can’t blame me for being scared that we’re going to lose you too.”

  Carol considered Lara’s statement for a moment. “Do you think I’m going to hurt myself? Is that what this is about?”

  Lara didn’t answer, but the concern on her face confirmed her fears.

  “Jesus, Lara. I’m not that far gone.”

  “Like you said,” Lara whispered, “you’ve been to hell and back in the last year. You’ve had a lot thrown at you with John resurfacing and bringing up all that stuff with Katie. What if you hit a low and you’re by yourself? You might think that’s the way out.”

  Carol shook her head. “Is Mary worried about this too?”

  “She hasn’t said as much.”

  Leaning against the SUV, Carol scanned the parking lot as she processed what Lara had said. “If losing Katie taught me anything, it’s that life goes on despite the pain. I found a really good life with Tobias. And someday, when I’m ready, I’ll find a good life again.” She returned her focus to Lara. “But you and Mary and my mother can’t decide when, where, or how that happens. Only I can decide that.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t think you do know,” Carol stated. “You have to stop pressuring me. I have enough to deal with already. I can’t worry about living up to your expectations. I can’t spend my time tiptoeing around your concerns when I’m trying to find my footing. Do you understand that? Do you understand how unfair that is?”

  Lara was quiet for several long seconds before nodding. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

  “Back off and let me work this out on my own, okay?”

  “Okay.” Opening her arms, Lara hugged Carol tight. “I really am sorry. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” Pulling back, Carol peered up as a dark gray cloud closed in on the sun. Though there weren’t calls for rain in the forecast, the sky told a different story. She’d guess they were in for sprinkles at the very least. The weather seemed fitting for her mood.

  Now that she wasn’t ignoring the darkness looming so close to the surface, she had to admit that she could understand Lara’s concerns. As hard as Carol tried to hide behind the facade she used as armor, those closest to her were seeing the cracks. In a sense, Carol thought she should be thankful, but she still wasn’t used to relying on anyone other than Tobias to see her through times like these.

  As soon as they climbed into the SUV, Carol buckled in and forced herself to open up and voice something that had been bothering her. “Being on the road made so much more sense when I promised John that I wouldn’t fall back into autopilot.” She scoffed at the irony. “Can you believe after twenty-four years, I let that idiot talk me into something stupid?”

  Lara glanced at her. “You were looking for meaning, and he gave you some. Living your life to the fullest on the road made sense.”

  “Nothing makes sense without Tobias. I understand that’s a temporary feeling and someday I’ll find my way again, but…” Carol frowned as she stared out the passenger window. “After Katie, I was able to find a path to move forward. Living again wasn’t easy, but I found a way. I was able to put one foot in front of the other. Losing Tobias…”

  “You’re right,” Lara said. “You’re still finding your footing. I’m sorry if I made that more difficult for you.”

  Carol shook her head slightly. “He would want me to move on and be happy. I don’t know what that means yet.”

  “Maybe Simon could help you figure that o
ut,” Lara said tentatively.

  “Maybe,” Carol said. “Maybe Simon will factor into that someday. But I’m not ready to think about opening my heart up and starting something I can’t finish. It wouldn’t be fair to Simon. I did that to him once already. He deserves better than that. I’m not going to hurt him again.”

  “I understand that,” Lara said. “But you have to admit, you could do worse.”

  Carol chuckled as Simon’s face flashed through her mind. “Yeah, I could do a lot worse.”

  “Please don’t ever feel like you’re alone. You’re not. You’re never alone.” Lara grabbed Carol’s hand. “We’re family. No matter what.”

  “No matter what,” Carol agreed.

  Caroline let out a quiet sigh as Simon walked into the coffee shop where they often met. She wasn’t ready to say what she had to tell him, but the train they were on had been on the wrong tracks from the start. She had to put an end to the ride before the inevitable disaster.

  As he sat across from her and gave her a weak greeting, she sensed he understood why she’d summoned him.

  A week ago, he’d pulled her into a stairwell at the hospital and handed her a key to his new house. Or, as he’d called it, their new house. He’d done what she’d been dreading from the day they’d given in to their desires. He’d asked her to leave her husband so they could start a life together. Not just a life for her and Simon but for Katie too.

  If not for Katie, Caroline would have jumped at the chance. Katie was such a happy girl. A daddy’s girl. Their daughter seemed to sense the underlying dysfunction within John, and her caring nature—the nature she’d inherited from Caroline—made her want to fix what was wrong. If anyone could help John see how far he’d fallen into the abyss of alcoholism, that person would be Katie.

  Those two were closer than peas in a pod. Katie was the center of John’s world, and as much as Caroline hated to admit, John was the center of Katie’s. Over the last week, considering the impact a divorce would have on them had made Caroline realize how selfish she would be to tear their lives apart.

  “You don’t have to say it,” Simon said softly as silence lingered between them. “I knew I was risking pushing you away when I asked you to move in with me. That was a risk I had to take.”

  “I wish I could be that brave,” Caroline said, her voice thin from the lack of confidence she had in her decision.

  She’d told John that she was considering a divorce. She hadn’t told him why, but she had a thousand reasons and he knew that. He hadn’t even asked for a reason. He’d begged her to stay. He’d promised to stop drinking and to be more responsible. He’d even suggested that once Katie started school in the fall, Caroline could do what she’d wanted for so long and go to medical school.

  Simon had offered her that as well. Caroline knew Simon would follow through. She knew he’d stand by her and support her. She knew he’d be there for her and Katie.

  She also knew that John would likely stumble and fall and leave her empty-handed as he’d done so many times over the course of their marriage. But for some reason, she couldn’t leave him. She couldn’t tear apart the family she’d worked so hard to keep together.

  Simon was everything Caroline had ever wanted. But John needed her. Katie needed her parents together. How could Caroline choose her own happiness over that of her child? How could she look Katie in the eye and tell her they were going to live someplace where her daddy couldn’t be?

  Tears filled Caroline’s eyes, and she bit her lip hard in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay. “I have to think of Katie first.”

  Simon nodded. “She’d be happy, Caroline. We’d give her the stable life that she deserves.”

  “I know, but…John is her father. She needs him.”

  “What do you need?” Simon asked.

  Caroline turned her face away before she started crying. When she thought she could speak without breaking, she calmly said, “I need to give my daughter the best chance at having a happy life that I can give her.” Finding the strength to look at Simon again, Caroline added, “I can’t rip her world apart just because John pisses me off.”

  “John is holding you back, and by holding you back, he’s holding Katie back. Children recover from divorce. Sometimes they actually thrive after being removed from a negative environment. You know, one where the parents are constantly fighting because one of them is a drunk.”

  His words caused her breath to catch. Mostly because he was right, but damn him for speaking that truth right now.

  “We’re going to fix this,” she said. Even she didn’t believe the words. Things had been great between her and John for the last two days. She’d slapped him with a reality check. He’d gotten rid of all the beer in the house, helped her clean, and had even been somewhat pleasant to be around. To top it all off, he’d suggested the time had come for her to go back to school. He’d promised to be more helpful and supportive so she could finally become a pediatrician.

  Caroline knew from far too much experience that this change in her husband wouldn’t last. So, while they would be better for a while, they wouldn’t be fixing anything. They’d be healing just enough that they didn’t break. She understood their cycle better now. But she had to try. For Katie. She had to do her best for her daughter.

  Simon frowned as he sat back. “I wish I could be mad, but I have no right to be. I’m asking you to end your marriage and you’re saying no. I should be furious because I’m the better man for you, but I don’t have the right.”

  Caroline closed her eyes as tears threatened to spill. “You can be mad. I never should have… I’m the bad guy here, Simon. Not you. Not even John. Not this time. This time, I’m the culprit.”

  “Christ, Caroline,” he said, sounding desperate. “You deserve more. Why can’t you see you deserve more?”

  Furrowing her brow, she looked across the table at him. “This isn’t about me, Simon. I have a child to raise. I have a little girl who thinks her father hung the moon. I can’t hurt her to make my life easier. I won’t.”

  “I get that. I really do.” He dragged his hand over his face. They’d both worked a long shift, and the tension between them had been escalating all week. As Caroline came to accept that this moment was imminent, she’d done her best to avoid him in the corridors so he couldn’t corner her. No doubt he was as exhausted as she was.

  Usually, in a moment like this, she’d reach out and touch him. Give him a bit of comfort with their intimate contact and sweet smiles. She couldn’t do that now, and she was already missing the feel of him. Those secret moments gave her as much strength as they’d given to him.

  “I don’t resent you for choosing Katie over me,” he said. “I never would, but I’m going to tell you right now, you’re going to regret this.” He didn’t say the words out of anger. His eyes were sad, his voice subdued. He wasn’t threatening her with the outcome they both knew would happen; he was pleading with her. “You’re not protecting Katie,” he said. “You may think you are, but you aren’t. She sees you suffering, Caroline. She’s learning this is what marriage is supposed to be. You’re teaching her that what he is doing is okay. You aren’t protecting her. When you realize that, let me know. I’ll be there to help you pick up the pieces.”

  Caroline’s heart dropped to her stomach as he stood. Leaning over, he put a gentle kiss to her forehead. Tears fell down her cheeks as she tightened her hands into fists so she didn’t grab him. The urge to cling to him, to tell him she was wrong—she already knew she was wrong—and beg for forgiveness for even thinking of ending their affair was so strong, she could barely control it.

  “I love you,” he whispered before walking away.

  She very nearly called out to him and asked him to come back, to talk her out of going back to John, but she didn’t. She’d made her choice. She’d closed the door on the life she so desperately wanted, but she’d done so for Katie. That was the one thing she had to hold on to. She’d made the right choice for Kat
ie. So long as she could see her little girl’s smile, Caroline could get through anything. Even losing the man she was so desperately in love with.

  Carol walked into the steakhouse where she was meeting Simon. Her stomach fluttered nervously when she spotted him sitting on a bench in the entryway. He smiled the moment he noticed her, and she couldn’t help but smile as well. His beard was trimmed short, and his gray hair appeared freshly cut. Clearly he’d taken his break from the hospital to do a little self-care. She was glad. He’d been sounding far too stressed lately.

  He stood and met her with open arms, which she slipped into without hesitation. She closed her eyes as he squeezed her against him and held on until he eased his hold. She probably would have held on indefinitely. Even though she’d struggled to commit to this dinner, seeing him in person eased more than just her nerves. As always, he had a calming presence that soothed her mind. While she’d never readily admit how much she appreciated his hug, she couldn’t ignore that once again, just being with him gave her that sense of peace she’d been missing.

  He had a way of grounding her. “Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” he asked as he gripped her hands. Though his question was generic, the depth of concern in his eyes was obvious. He wasn’t asking about her meal or time spent with family. He was asking how she’d coped spending the holiday as a widow.

  “I had a good day,” she said. That wasn’t a complete lie. Despite the shadow of Tobias’s loss looming over the dinner table, Carol had been able to stay in the present and enjoy being with her family. “How was yours?”

  “I lost fifty bucks to my brother on a football game, but other than that, it was pretty good,” he said before gesturing toward the hostess, who was patiently standing by with two menus.

  Carol followed the young woman to a booth. Simon sat across from her, and Carol couldn’t deny the serenity of being there with him. She’d expected the dinner to be awkward, but she should have known better. She could count on one hand the times she was unsettled around Simon—most of those were the times they got locked into an intense staring contest leading up to the start of their affair.