A Life Without Regrets
Page 24
They could go anywhere. See anything. When they were ready, they could return to the quiet seclusion of his mountain home, where they would go hiking and explore the wilderness. They could have the best of both worlds. Together. They’d have everything together.
So what the hell was she waiting for?
Carol reached for the key to start the ignition, but instead of turning the key, she pulled it free. Before she took the last stretch of this journey, the last few miles to Simon, she needed a minute or two. She had to be absolutely certain before she walked into his house that she wanted to be there. She was confident now that he wouldn’t change his mind, but she had to be certain she wouldn’t change hers out of guilt or fear or some foolish need to cling to the past.
After climbing from her seat, she walked into the RV’s kitchenette. She came face-to-face with the photo of Tobias and her that she’d put on the fridge the day they’d bought the vehicle. The love they’d shared was evident in the photo. Carol traced his face with her fingertips, and a million memories came rushing forward. From the first time they’d kissed to the intimate moments on their wedding day, all the tears and fights and laughs they’d shared over the years came to the surface at once.
Carol’s lips trembled, but she blinked the tears away before they could fall. “I’ll always love you,” she whispered to his image. “Forever.” Sliding the magnet off the photo, she took the image from the fridge and held it for several long minutes before taking it to the RV’s bedroom. Pulling open the built-in nightstand’s drawer, she added the photo to the others she kept there. As she sank onto the bed, she looked at the bands hugging her left ring finger. The diamond sparkled like brand new. She’d never imagined she’d ever remove the symbol of their marriage, but as she watched the light dance off the gem, she knew she had to.
She could not walk into Simon’s life until she’d let go of the life she’d shared with Tobias. She could not look into the future until she’d let go of the past. Tobias would be a part of her forever. He would always be in her heart. She would never forget him. But she couldn’t cling to him with one hand and reach for Simon with the other.
Holding her breath, Carol slid the rings from her finger and set them on top of the photos. She stared at the rings for what seemed like hours before easing the drawer shut. Lifting her left hand, she considered how foreign it looked without the rings that had been there for so long. Though she’d never had much of a tan since she tended to burn, the skin beneath was paler than the rest. In no time at all, the color would balance. The reminder that her rings were gone would fade.
Pushing herself up, Carol walked back to the fridge and yanked the door open. She frowned as she stared at the empty compartment. She’d cleaned out her fridge when she’d arrived at Alyssa’s house. She hadn’t planned to be on the road again for weeks, maybe even months. In her rush to get on the road before too late in the day, she hadn’t put anything back in.
Peering out the window at the little store, she debated how much her sudden need for a drink was thirst and how much was procrastination. In the end, that didn’t matter, because she climbed from the RV and headed inside.
Bright signs hung over the refrigerators that lined the back wall. Beer. Snacks. Drinks. She headed for the cold drinks. Standing in front of the glass door that held a variety of bottles, she weighed her options—for too long. She was standing there far too long. This wasn’t that hard of a decision. Plain water or flavored water. A sports drink. Tea.
She’d had this same type of indecision when she’d been standing at a store in Arizona, debating which water shoes to buy. That had only been a few months ago, but somehow, it seemed like a lifetime had passed. In those months, she’d faced more fears than she thought possible.
Digging into her pocket, she wrapped her fingers around the worry stone and thought of Harold. If he were standing beside her, she had no doubt he’d be offering words of wisdom about making choices based on what was best for her now—not based on traumas of the past or fears of the future, but now.
She had to make her choice based on what was best for her now.
Pick one.
Stay or go.
Just choose.
“The suspense is killing me,” someone said from several feet away.
Carol closed her eyes. Simon had said those exact words to her years ago. Turning her head to him as she’d done so long ago, she found him watching her. The serene smile on his face melted her heart, as it had always done.
“Are you going to buy a drink or not?” he asked.
She saw in his eyes that he was fully aware her debate wasn’t about the refreshments. He knew her better than that.
“This is a very important decision,” she said quietly.
“I can tell,” he responded as he closed the distance between them. “Should we discuss the pros and cons of each?”
Carol tilted her head, pondering. “Well,” she said, “if I buy a drink, I’m committed to drinking the drink. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.”
“Nothing is ever final,” Simon told her. “You could decide you don’t want the drink and throw it away.”
“I could. But after standing here all this time trying to decide what I want, throwing it away would just feel wasteful. Don’t you think?”
“Well, you could buy the drink, take the drink home, put it on ice, and see how you feel about it later.”
She creased her brow. “What if I wait too long?”
“The drink will still be there,” he said. Gripping her left hand, he looked at her finger as he brushed his thumb over where her rings had been. “It’s okay if you’re not sure. We have time.”
She hesitated. He couldn’t know that. Nobody knew how much time they had. That was a lesson Carol had learned far too many times in her life. But the longer she waited, sitting in uncertainty, the less time they would have.
Seeing uncertainty in his gaze, she realized he was probably having the same concerns that she’d been voicing. She could change her mind as easily as he could. She could walk away. She’d done it before. But she wouldn’t this time. Looking into his eyes, she knew she wouldn’t walk away again.
Finally, she nodded one slow, resolute nod. “I’m sure.”
Simon pulled her into his arms and hugged her close. Carol burrowed deeper into his embrace, snuggling even closer as he cupped the back of her head.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered into her ear.
Closing her eyes tightly, she held her breath for a few seconds. When she leaned back, she offered him a soft smile. “So am I, but, Simon, I’m just starting to heal. I’m going to need a little patience.”
“I’m a doctor,” he stated. “I have lots of patients.”
Carol frowned when his lips twitched. “Did you just make a joke?”
Simon started to laugh but forced the grin from his face. “Yes. It was terrible. I’m sorry.”
She started to pull back, but he didn’t release her. “I’m baring my soul to you in a convenience store, and you’re making corny jokes.” Though she was trying to chastise him, she couldn’t help the smile tugging at her lips as well.
He cleared his throat. “I sincerely apologize. You were saying?”
“I’m going to need patience because I’m not done healing,” she said. “I want to be clear about that.”
Simon stroked her hair from her face. “You’ve been clear. Now let me be clear. No relationship is ever easy. We’ll have ups and downs, but I won’t give up. Not after all this time.”
“I want to be here with you, but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to hurt for Tobias.”
“I know you love Tobias,” Simon whispered. “I’m not asking you to stop loving him. I’m just asking you to consider that maybe you could love me too.”
Resting her hand on his cheek, she looked into his light brown eyes and gave voice to a truth she’d been wrestling with for months. “I’ve always loved you, Simon. We just didn’t h
appen at the right time.”
His lips curved into a soft smile. “What about now?”
Carol smiled too. “Now is good.”
Epilogue
Five years later
Carol stared out as the sun peeked over the horizon. The light brightened by the minute, illuminating the shadows cast by the mountains. Fog had settled among the trees in the valley below, creating a dreamlike vision that spread out for miles before her.
The birds woke, chirping to let the world know they’d survived the night. Tugging a blanket around her as she sipped her coffee, she embraced the peace of the moment. Just like the sun finding a way through the fog to the trees below, peace had found its way to Carol’s heart and mind.
The serenity was no longer just in the woods around her but had finally made its way into her soul.
She thought of Katie and Tobias often—she even thought of John from time to time—but memories of them no longer brought her to her knees. She could think back, smile, and be thankful for the time they’d shared. The holes they’d left in her heart could never be filled, but they no longer had the ability to throw her life into disarray.
Carol had learned to see her time with them as a blessing rather than seeing her life without them as a tragedy. That hadn’t been an easy transition but one that had put her on the road to healing, one that she likely wouldn’t have been able to stay on if she hadn’t had Simon there to support her.
When he’d first come into her life, he’d brought a sense of calm with him. For a long time, she’d chalked that up to how chaotic her life had been, but even now, all these years later, he had the ability to soothe her simply by being. A smile, a touch, the sound of his voice—those things were like an elixir for all that ailed her heart, mind, and soul.
Tobias had once said that the universe had bigger plans than Carol might know about. She had a hard time believing she had to go through so much hurt to get to this point, but she couldn’t deny that she was destined to be here. With Simon. With their family.
As if he’d read her thoughts, the door opened and Simon emerged. Carol’s smile spread.
“There she is,” Simon said to the toddler in his arms. “There’s Grandma.”
Carol lifted her arms, and the little girl leaned toward her. Tucking Adele into the blanket with her, Carol kissed her granddaughter’s head. The scent of strawberry shampoo lingered in the curls. The scent reminded Carol of Katie. However, instead of feeling hollow inside, Carol pulled Adele closer. Hugged her tighter. Kissed her one more time.
As always, Simon could sense when Katie crept into Carol’s thoughts. He reached out, waiting for her to put her hand in his. As soon as she did, he brushed his thumb over the wedding ring he’d put there three years prior and kissed the gold band.
“Why are you up so early?” Carol asked.
“She came in looking for you,” Simon explained as he sat in the seat next to her. “One of these days, she’ll come in looking for Grandpa.”
Carol chuckled. “I don’t think so. She’s Grandma’s girl. Aren’t you, babe?” After kissing the little one’s head, she asked Simon, “Everyone else is still sleeping, then?”
“As far as I can tell.” He settled in and looked out at the rising sun. “How do you feel about pancakes and bacon?”
“Are you cooking?” she asked with a smirk.
“I guess.”
“Then I’m all for it.”
Simon smiled too. “If I cook, you have to clean up.”
Carol considered his offer before rolling her head to look at him. “The diner opens at seven.”
Simon laughed. “Yeah. It does.”
They frequented the small restaurant in town more often lately since neither was in the mood to cook or clean up, but Carol didn’t mind. The people were nice, the food was good, and leaving a tip was easier than doing dishes. Besides, when they had family visiting, their time was better spent hiking and sightseeing. Carol didn’t care to go to the nearby lake, but she didn’t have the fear she’d initially had when their guests wanted to go swimming. While she would never be comfortable playing in the water, she understood others didn’t share her fears. She also understood that she couldn’t expect them to avoid the lake to appease her as Tobias had avoided rafting.
“Birdie,” Adele said, pointing into the distance.
A flock of birds flew from the trees below. Carol’s breath caught as she recalled another time she’d witnessed a scene like that—she and John had been in Yellowstone, spreading Katie’s ashes. They’d finally made peace with each other and the loss of their daughter. Seeing the flock now, with her husband holding her hand and their first grandchild sitting in her lap, nearly brought tears to Carol’s eyes.
Whenever she saw a beam of sunlight, she knew Tobias was shining down on her. And whenever she saw a flock of birds, she’d swear Katie was smiling from Heaven.
“Everything okay?” Simon asked, tugging lightly at her hand.
Carol rested her cheek against Adele’s head as she smiled at him. “Everything is perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
* * *
THE END
Acknowledgments
Several medical professionals assisted with various parts of this book:
Many thanks to Aubrey Cutchin and Lacy Jones for their medical and emotional insights when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Thank you, Dr. Melinda Pheanis Preston, for taking time to help me better understand online counseling and PTSD.
Your contributions to Carol’s journey were greatly appreciated.
Also by Marci Bolden
Chammont Point Series:
The Restarting Point
(Coming April 2021!)
A Life Without Water Series:
A Life Without Water
A Life Without Flowers
A Life Without Regrets
Stonehill Series:
The Road Leads Back
Friends Without Benefits
The Forgotten Path
Jessica’s Wish
This Old Cafe
Forever Yours
The Women of Hearts Series:
Hidden Hearts
Burning Hearts
Stolen Hearts
Secret Hearts
Chammont Point Series:
Coming 2021!
Other Titles:
California Can Wait
Seducing Kate
The Rebound
About the Author
As a teen, Marci Bolden skipped over young adult books and jumped right into reading romance novels. She never left.
* * *
Marci lives in the Midwest with her husband, kiddos, and numerous rescue pets. If she had an ounce of willpower, Marci would embrace healthy living, but until cupcakes and wine are no longer available at the local market, she will appease her guilt by reading self-help books and promising to join a gym “soon.”
* * *
Visit her here:
www.marcibolden.com
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Contents
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Also by Marci Bolden
About the Author
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