Breathe Again

by Rachel Brookes

  The sound of the door opening and closing silenced my thoughts. Heavy footsteps thudded against the paved flooring of the balcony as the person paced towards me.

  “What’s going on, Sav?” Mr. Davenport’s Australian accent rumbled beside me.

  “I can’t leave Max.”

  “This isn’t really about that, is it?”

  Why was I so damn easy to read?

  Turning towards him, I breathed in deeply, trying desperately to settle my pounding heart. “I am scared, okay? I am scared that I am still so deeply in love with Tate and more in love with him today than I’ve ever been. I am scared that finally our lives might have the chance to be exactly what we dream it to be and mostly I am scared that maybe it’s my time to finally be happy.”

  “Sav, this is your time. You have a man in there who has patiently waited for you while you looked after me and who is so desperate to tell you that he loves you. Talk to him. Go to Vegas. Have fun, Sav. You are still a baby yourself. I’ve been dying to babysit Max since he was born, but he has a mum who doesn’t let him out of her sight. Let me have time with the little guy. “

  “I don’t know.” I hesitated before looking back out over the ocean and sighing in defeat. “I’m not sure what credentials this so-called babysitter has.”

  “Right. I’m pulling rank. You are going to Vegas. You are having a weekend with your friends. Do you not trust me to look after him? Do you not think I can look after him? Do you really think that little of me?”

  I looked at him with wide eyes. “You are not using blackmail on me!” I shrieked, a laugh escaping my lips.

  He winked at me. “If I have to use blackmail, I will.”

  “You are a bastard.”

  “You love me though…right?” Mr. Davenport’s arms encased me and pulled me close to his chest, and comfort flooded my body. I still had nightmares of the first moment I saw him lying lifelessly in the hospital bed after his accident. Most of the nightmares ended with me seeing him motionless in a coffin and being lowered into the ground. I couldn’t fathom the thought that I’d nearly lost this man. I froze in his arms as memories roared back to me. “Stop thinking Sav. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into my hair.

  “Sav, Max is asking for a peanut butter AND Vegemite sandwich. Together. I need your help.” Tate laughed nervously as he stepped onto the balcony. “Oh shit. Sorry for interrupting.” His eyes darted to me in Mr. Davenport’s arms and he started backing up, moving towards the door he’d just walked out of.

  “Tate, you stay here. I’ll take care of the little guy.” Mr. Davenport dropped his arms from around me and lowered his voice as he spoke to me. “Talk to him.” He kissed me on the cheek and patted Tate’s shoulder as he walked inside, leaving me in an awkward silence with Tate.

  “I can’t believe you got your wish,” Tate stammered as he joined me.

  What the hell was he talking about? “What wish?”

  “Our son loves the devil’s food. Remember that morning when you wished this exact curse on me?”

  I burst out laughing as the memory hit me. “He would eat Vegemite for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if he could, and believe me, there are days when he does. He has a temper on him when he doesn’t get what he wants. I wonder who he gets that from?”

  “Definitely his mother,” he said with a knowing grin.

  A silence fell between us as we both looked out over the ocean. My mind was running crazy, and I couldn’t help but notice Tate fidgeting with his hands as they rested against the balcony rail. Without a word, he shifted and turned towards me, his eyes falling on me with a look of thought swimming before me. I felt the familiar effect he had on my body soon barrel in—the hard thump of my heart, the weird breathing that would attack my body, and of course the slow, intense heat flooding my cheeks. His lips curved into a cheeky smirk and he quickly rubbed his hand over his face, scratching the stubble that was gracing his jaw.

  “Will you ever not blush when I look at you?”

  “Probably not.” I shrugged and dropped my eyes.

  Suddenly his voice plunged to a serious tone. “Will you hear me out?”

  “Okay.”

  “That means not interrupting me.”

  “Would I do that?”

  He rolled his eyes at me as his lips turned up.

  I held my breath as I knew what this conversation would be about. I had been waiting for this conversation since I’d returned, and now, on a balcony overlooking Santa Monica Beach, it was about to happen.

  “Three months without you killed me, Sav. Yes we had email and phone and Skype, but it wasn’t the same. Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned by the one person you never wanted to leave you? That’s how it felt, Sav. It felt like you left me with no explanation. I feel like I’ve lost three months of my life with you and Max and we will never get that back. I need you to explain to me why you left without considering me, why you left without feeling like you could tell me how you were feeling. I know I was supposed to come over, and every day I regretted not being able to. I need you to help me understand it because it’s the one thing stopping me from asking you to spend the rest of your life with me. And the one thing I never wanted for you and me was regret or hesitation and now I feel like it’s swallowing us.”

  I dropped my eyes and inhaled sharply. “Mr. Davenport saved me, Tate. If he hadn’t helped me when he did, I wouldn’t be standing here. Max wouldn’t be here. I didn’t know what else to do, but all I knew was that I needed to take care of him. I felt like I could finally repay Mr. Davenport for everything he did for me. I didn’t mean to keep you away from Max. I didn’t mean for any of this, but I just didn’t know what else to do,” I breathed out and felt the sob that was bubbling inside my chest fly through the air. The wetness of my cheeks showed that I was finally breaking. “I thought I’d lose him like I lost my parents. The last time I saw them was in the hospital, Tate, and I was so scared to leave him there. And that’s why I could only come back when he came back.”

  “So what does that mean? Does that mean that you’ll follow him wherever he goes?” He rubbed his thumb over my cheek, collecting my splattered tears. “I can’t be second choice, Sav. I can’t be afraid that you are going to run every time something happens. I can’t be afraid that you and Max aren’t going to be around. I can’t be afraid that Mr. Davenport will always come first.” I started to object but he silenced me with a finger over my lips. “Let me speak.”

  I nodded and he removed his finger.

  “You need to decide what you want. I will always be in your life because of Max. I will always be there for you no matter what, and I will always love you more than the breath I take, but I can’t be questioning our relationship every day. We have a life together, Sav. You need to finally let me be your life. I can’t lose you again. Sav. I would rather not have you at all than risk having to feel you walking away from me. I don’t think I could survive that again.”

  I looked up at him through tear-stricken eyes. He was giving me an out. His hands fell to my cheeks and lifted my face, forcing me to look at him. His lips fell to my cheeks, kissing away the tears I was shedding for him, for us, for everything that was Tate and Savannah.

  “You own my heart, Sav. It’s yours to break.”

  Without another word, he turned and walked back into the house, hesitating briefly at the door to give me one last look. The sound of the waves crashing mixed perfectly with the sound of my broken breathing as I tried to control my emotions. What did I want? That was the million dollar question. Did I want to continue to live my life with the past overshadowing everything? Did I want to live a life that had everything I never knew I wanted? Did I want to love that man who had just bared his soul to me like I had never loved another man before? It was there in the solitude of the balcony that everything became as clear as the night sky above me. I was so ready to give my all to this man—every last broken piece of me, every inch of my future, and every beat o
f my heart. It was Tate. It would always be Tate.

  Moving through the house, I didn’t make eye contact with anybody as I walked towards my bedroom with Tate’s words still ringing in my ears. I was still living out of a suitcase, so it wouldn’t be hard to pack for a weekend trip. My decision to go to Vegas had been made the moment Tate had told me that his heart was mine to break. Tate was my great love. A great love that seemed to want to stand the test of time, a great love that no matter what bullshit we threw at it was still standing strong, and a great love I would always fight for.

  I shook the thoughts out of my head and moved to the bathroom with a new motivation. I opened my toiletries bag and began piling in my necessities—perfume, makeup, shampoo and Tate’s favorite red lip gloss.

  “Mummy, where’s my Gordy jarmies?” Max’s sweet voice joined me in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror to find Max in Tate’s arms. Tate’s eyes fell to the vanity, saw my toiletries bag, and raised a brow in question. Nodding, I silently answered his unasked question.

  I was going to Vegas.

  Tate

  THE SUN blazed through my Jeep as music and laughter rolled through the air. Las Vegas was the destination, and after a tearful goodbye with Max when we dropped him off with Mr Davenport, we were now on the I-10 and on our way to a weekend that could possibly change everything. I sat in the driver’s seat with my fingers drumming on the steering wheel in rhythm to the music. Jack was sitting beside me and Sav and Tanzi were taking up the back seat. The chance for Sav and me to talk about the night before never happened, but I couldn’t help but feel my ego come alive as I continued to find her looking at me when I glanced in the rearview mirror to look at her. Seriously, we were like a couple of fucking high school kids.

  “I have news,” I announced between songs. Three sets of eyes focused on me. “Chelsea has dropped her case against Blake and Red Velvet. She has apparently realized that she is a conniving bitch who doesn’t have a clue. She has also signed a legal document stating that she will not step foot within 300 feet of me, Blake, Sav, or Red Velvet, and if she does she will be arrested.”

  “What the hell was her problem? Why did she do this in the first place?” Sav’s frustrated voice sounded from the back seat. “This would have saved a lot of problems.”

  “It’s over now, Sav. We don’t have to worry about her anymore. She will play no part in our lives anymore.”

  “I’m still pissed off. You could have come to Australia. You and I could have been…” She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes finding mine in the rearview mirror. “Ah, just fuck it.”

  Sav’s eyes ripped away from mine to focus on the scenery flying past the car as we drove through the vast desert of Nevada.

  “So what’s the plan for the weekend, boss man?” Tanzi asked, breaking the silence of the car. She was well aware of how much I hated being called a boss and yet she continued to rub it in every chance she got.

  Rolling my eyes, I glanced quickly in the rearview mirror and shot her a look, which only intensified her amusement. “I have a meeting to go to when we get there. I should be done by around seven, so maybe we could grab dinner and hit up the Strip. The opening is tomorrow night, so I’d say most of my day will be spent at the club. Blake and the rest of the band fly in tomorrow.”

  “Why didn’t we fly?” Sav quizzed, suddenly coming back to the conversation.

  “I remember you telling me you wanted to drive from Los Angeles to Vegas one day, so here we are.”

  “Tate, that was years ago!” Sav stuttered nervously, the disbelief evident in her voice.

  Without a hint of hesitation or reluctance, I replied, “Yeah, but we never did it.”

  “That’s kinda cute,” Tanzi whispered. The thing with Tanzi was that her whispered tone was still loud enough for the rest of the car to hear. My eyes met Sav’s and I shot her a wink.

  “Eyes on the road, stud,” Jack teased from the passenger’s seat.

  “You think you are fucking comedian, don’t you?” I scoffed.

  “Comedian, sex machine... I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, Tate.”

  “I’ve also heard you called fuck-stick, dick-wad, ass-wipe... Do you really need me to continue?” I smirked in triumph.

  “Just get us to Vegas, Romeo.”

  The trip was long but the singing, laughing, and eating copious amount of gas station junk food made it worth it. As we pulled into the resort and all stepped out of my Jeep, my eyes instantly were drawn to Savannah. Watching her stretch her arms above her head allowed me a glimpse of her tan stomach. I could swear my pants tightened just at the vision before me.

  She’d dressed in short denim cut-off shorts with a simple white tank top that fit so snug to her perfect waist and even more perfect tits—the perfect outfit in my eyes. What I loved about her most was that she didn’t care what she looked like. I remember the first time she wore sweatpants to the movies one night when Jack, Tanzi, she, and I went to see a midnight showing. Tanzi had been horrified that Sav had left the house in sweatpants. Sav’s response had been, “I am at the movies at midnight. Why the fuck would I get dressed in something that wasn’t comfortable? You are damn well lucky I am wearing shoes and not my uggs.”

  “You’re staring. Shut your mouth before your tongue rolls out and you start drooling.”

  “Fuck off, Jack.” I laughed and diverted my eyes to the valet, who looked like he was about to pass out in the Nevada sunshine. Handing him my keys, I moved towards Tanzi and Sav, who were both beaming with smiles. Tanzi had always loved Vegas and I knew she was excited to be back and ready for a weekend with Sav.

  “So what are you two ladies going to do while Jack and I work?”

  “Pool, cocktails, cheeseburger, massage,” Tanzi fired out. “In that order too.”

  “Yeah, that.” Sav laughed. “I also need to also buy something to wear tomorrow night. It’s not often that I get a night out, let alone in Vegas. I’ve got to make it a good one.”

  “I am sure Tate has plans to make it a good one,” Jack muttered under his breath.

  “Huh?” Sav asked, oblivious to what Jack had said, although the smirk on Tanzi’s face showed that she had heard exactly what her asshole fiancé had said.

  I shook my head and walked through the double glass doors being held open by a middle-aged man dressed head to toe in maroon. Ahhh, to be back in Vegas. I did love this city. Like New York, it was one of the cities I would disappear to when life got too much. A life that seemed so far away from what my new reality was. Walking towards the check-in desk I opened my wallet, placed my credit card on the marble countertop, and smiled at the young girl looking at me with the perfectly straight and overly white teeth.

  “How can I help you, sir?”

  “Hi, I have a room booking for Connors?”

  She tapped loudly on the keyboard and muttered under her breath, “Yes, we have your down for two king suites on the twentieth floor.”

  “There should be three suites.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. We only have you down for two, and unfortunately due to the club opening tomorrow, all of our rooms are booked.”

  Fuck it!

  Turning around to face Jack, Tanzi, and Sav, I cringed at the news I was about to share. Taking a deep breath, I walked across the vast foyer, plopped down on the seat beside Tanzi, and sighed loudly. Three sets of eyes fell on me.

  “So we have a problem,” I started, finally looking at them. “They only booked two rooms.”

  “And what’s the problem with that?” Jack asked, completely unfazed. “There are four of us—two people per room. It’s not rocket science, man.”

  I was more than happy to share a room with Savannah. Fuck, I’d share a shower, a bath, a bed, a life with Savannah. “Sav, what do you—”

  “You two are mature enough to stay in the same god damn room together. It might make you stop being so damn stubborn and actually do something about this.” Tanzi’s eyes bounced from Sav to me while her fin
ger waved frantically between us. “Seriously, the sexual tension between you two is fucking insane. It’s making me almost want to fuck Savannah.”

  The sound of Savannah choking on her water rolled around us, and I could feel my eyes widen at the brutal honesty of my sister. She had absolutely no filter.

  “I knew I picked the wrong twin. You can fuck me any time, Tanzi. Jack, Tate, you are rooming together. Tanzi and I are getting nasty together.” Savannah waggled her eyebrows suggestively. “What’s that saying? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?”

  “So it’s settled. Sav and Tanzi are fucking each other, I am watching and probably participating, and Tate, well... It would be kinda weird with you watching your sister fuck, so you can leave it to me.”

  I had no words in reply. Shaking my head at Jack, I noticed that Tanzi and Sav had taken off towards the elevator. Obviously our rooming arrangement had been decided. I grabbed the keycards from the lady at reception and headed towards the elevator and up to the twentieth floor.

  Room 20F would be my room for the weekend—our room for the weekend. Sav stood nervously beside me as I fumbled with the keycard. “I’m excited to see the room,” I admitted, desperate to break the tension. Tanzi and Jack had taken off to their room the moment we’d stepped out of the elevator, leaving Sav and me in the emptiness of the hall.

  With a beep and click, the door shifted open and I pushed with my hip, holding it ajar for Sav to slip inside. Her gasp filtered through the air. The room was immaculate. I closed the door behind me and placed the keycard on the glass table in the entrance of the room.

  The room opened into a vast portrait of class and chic sophistication. Three days of pure indulgence were in front of us. The caramel-colored walls caressed the deep mahogany tones of the polished floorboards floating through the room. The bed was beyond king-sized, covered with inviting pillows, and a deep red comforter graced the mattress, making it look deliciously sexy. One bed. No couch. This could either completely blow up in my face or I was going to have the best fucking weekend of my life.