Way To My Heart

by Barbara C. Doyle

  “I fell,” I blurted.

  “Huh?”

  I blushed. I could feel the heat rising over my cheeks and collar bones. “I fell. That’s what happened to my face.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Are you telling me that as a distraction?”

  I shifted on my feet. “You asked what happened. I answered. You’re welcome.”

  What I wasn’t going to admit was that I’d hurt myself doing stupider things. Like bruising my ass trying to take my pants off. Or tripping over the cat only to realize it wasn’t Mashed Potato at all, but my own damn foot.

  Graceful, I was not.

  He grinned. “I’ll let it slide if it means we can keep talking. Walk you home?”

  My brows shot up. “Uh…”

  He eyed me, his brows furrowing in. “I just want to make sure you get home without falling on your ass again. If you were Iris, I’d be doing the same.”

  The pretenses were different and we both knew it. But I didn’t doubt for one second he was protective of his big sister. He seemed like the type to ensure anybody’s safety, like the night I’d gone to Nate’s house for the first time.

  He saw the moment my resolve crumbled. It caused him to tip his lips in victory, falling into step with my easy tempo as we walked down the sidewalk.

  “So…” Shoving his hands into his pockets, he looked up at the night sky. It was blanketed with pretty little stars that lit up our way.

  “You and Iris seem close,” I mumbled to break the silence. Maybe if I chose the topic of conversation, it’d keep things mild.

  From his profile, I saw his lips slip into a soft smile. “Yeah, we are. We’ve got another brother, but he’s not really in the picture. It’s always just Iris and me.”

  I rubbed my bare arm, trying to rid of the goosebumps peppering my skin. It wasn’t cold out, but the breeze was strong enough to nip at my skin uncomfortably.

  “What about your parents?”

  He glanced at me. “Happily married for over thirty-five years. What about you? Siblings? Parents?”

  “My parents are still together after almost thirty years,” I answered. “But it’s just me. Although, I’ve got a cousin who I’m close with. He’s a nut, but…”

  “He’s your nut,” he concluded.

  I just smiled.

  “So, how’d you fall?”

  I internally groaned. “Just did.”

  “You’re evading the question.”

  “Darn, am I that obvious?” I acknowledged with another famous eye roll.

  He snickered. “All right, smartass. I get it, you don’t want me in your business. Have you considered that people are worried about you?”

  “People like you?” I scoffed. “You don’t know me.”

  He stopped walking. “I’m trying to.”

  I didn’t stop, making him jog to catch up to me. “Is it weird for you to think that someone would want to get to know you?”

  I got hit on all the time. Men flirted, sweet-talked, and charmed me. But it was because they wanted to sleep with me, use my body. It wasn’t because they cared. Nate was the first person to catch my interest and he seemed like he meant well. But he held me without trying to take things further and he never kissed me like I expected him to.

  …like I’d wanted him to.

  If I had met Caleb first, it might have worked out. Instead, I was hung up on a guy who wouldn’t text me back.

  His phone was broken.

  No, it’s not.

  “Hey,” he said softly. “Don’t tell me that a guy’s never expressed interest. That would be a crime.”

  I refrained from rolling my eyes. “Guys express plenty of interest. None of which I want.”

  “Why? Don’t believe in love?”

  My teeth smashed together, grinding.

  It was hard to believe in something you had never felt before. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I’d been privy enough to witness real love. Puppy love, sure. Infatuation, plenty. But not the soul crushing, heart aching, bleed me dry kind of thing.

  I thought of the way my chest tightened around Nate, and how I smiled when he held me. Did that make him feel the same way I did? I think I knew the answer to my own question without having to dig deep. I just didn’t want to face the truth.

  “Maybe love doesn’t believe in me,” I whispered, knowing everyone had five seconds to send a text. It didn’t matter how many excuses I made for him, deep down I knew. I knew.

  “Paisley…”

  “Don’t,” I sighed. “Just don’t.”

  “You can’t believe that.”

  “Well, I do.”

  “But why?”

  Now I was the one who stopped, making him abruptly come to a halt. “Guys don’t think I’m worth the time, okay? They want to fuck me. That’s it.”

  My mind went back in time to freshman year move in day. Tyler Grayson lived down the hall, and since he had finished unpacking he helped the other families carry things into their dorm room.

  Tyler was the kind of beautiful you couldn’t ignore. Like if Jason Mamoa and Zac Efron suddenly turned gay and had a love child…yeah, that would be Tyler.

  It was hard not to want to be with him. Even when he proved himself unworthy of my time. From the start he lied about where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing. I was the naïve girl who believed every word soaked in glitter and promises. I could admit there were more good times than there were bad, but even now, looking back, those good times were tainted by his deceiving ways.

  I made myself believe things were developing when he had given no indication of the sorts. In fact, when we first started hanging out he said he liked to “play the field.” But like every other young and innocent girl, I wanted to change his bad boy ways. He’d hold my hand at the movies and pay for my lunches, but he wouldn’t kiss me in the quad or drop me off at class.

  The first time we kissed, he hadn’t been expecting it. I misread the signs, thinking he was leaning in to kiss me, only he’d really been leaning down to pick my bag up from the floor. Things between us had changed after that, touches becoming more frequent—hand holding, leg brushing, hugging. Tyler seemed to like my awkward self, and I delved into the world of fantasy, one where we could live happily ever after. I barely made it out alive when I found him sleeping with my roommate.

  I’ve heard it said that people find their forever loves in college. My parents included. It didn’t seem far-fetched until Tyler came into my life. He’d been my best friend until I accidently kissed him.

  I should have never kissed him.

  “Hey,” Caleb crooned. “Look at me.”

  The soft crystal color of his eyes darkened as he reached out, stopping just before he touched my arm. Withdrawing his hand, he shook his head.

  “Who hurt you?” he whispered.

  It wasn’t Tyler or Lucas or Connor that popped into my head over the question.

  It was only Nate’s face I saw.

  How You Know It Won’t Work:

  You turn off Swayze

  Calling out of work for the past two days wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but sometimes people needed woe-is-me time. I had plenty of money saved for rent and bills but being alone with my thoughts was more tiring than the things I would have had to do at work. At least if I busied myself with laundry, I wouldn’t be yelling at my television.

  “He’s not going to love you forever,” I grumbled at the woman in the movie, half tempted to throw the popcorn I was munching on at the screen.

  I loved romance movies, especially Dirty Dancing. Patrick Swayze could usually cheer me up, but not this time. Today I hated how he danced with Jennifer Grey. How he stood up for her to her father. I hated how she wasn’t willing to tell her dad that she loved a man she knew he wouldn’t approve of. Who would disapprove of Swayze?

  I turned the TV off right before the final dance scene, my favorite part. That was how I knew I was over romance for the day. Maybe I shouldn’t have watched Pretty Woman and The
Wedding Planner earlier. I was turning into a sadist, looking for pain.

  Blowing out a breath, I tossed my hair up in a ponytail and moved through the living room, scratching Mashed Potato between her ears before tidying up to distract myself.

  Anyone who knew me could tell when I was in a funk, because my apartment was always squeaky clean and reeked of bleach.

  Pounding at the door broke me from my spell. Slipping on my favorite pair of kitty slippers, fluffy pink with ears and a little tail in the back, I padded toward the entryway. My stomach grumbled with anticipation of the Chinese food that I ordered an hour ago. Gripping my money in one hand, I opened the door with the other to trade payment for the goods.

  Except, it wasn’t the delivery boy who greeted me. Caleb stood there in his usual attire, jeans and colored T-shirt, holding a pizza box in his hands.

  “You’re not the Chinese guy.”

  His lips twitched in amusement. “Are they your usual type?”

  My jaw ticked. “That’s not what I meant,” I grumbled, setting the money down on the side table. “I ordered Chinese for dinner. You’re not the delivery guy.”

  He glanced down at the pizza. “What about apology pizza instead?”

  “Apology pizza? What the hell is that?”

  He opened the box, revealing a normal cheese and pepperoni pizza. If it was supposed to be special, they messed it up all kinds of ways.

  “So…just pizza?” I asked slowly.

  He chuckled. “Look at the lid.”

  My eyes drifted upward, where permeant marker was scrawled across the cardboard.

  Sorry for being an asshole.

  I couldn’t help but crack a tiny grin.

  “Ha! You smiled for me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What’s this for?”

  “Doesn’t the note make it obvious?”

  I guess he had a point. “Well, we’d already established that you’re a dick before, so I guess I needed clarification about why you’re apologizing this time.”

  He sucked in a sharp breath, dramatically letting his free hand fly to his chest. The process made him nearly drop the pizza, which would have been tragic.

  I quickly rescued the box from him, closing it and holding it away from danger.

  “Don’t drop it!” I scolded.

  “Thought you wanted Chinese food.”

  I scoffed. “I do. But this is my apology pizza, is it not? I’d hate to waste it.”

  “You should. Do you know what I went through to get this?”

  “I’d imagine it involved a phone call.”

  He snorted. “Yes, wiseass, it did. A twenty-minute phone call with what I imagined was a pimple-faced teenager. They were supposed to spell out the note with the pepperoni, but the kid kept telling me the pizza wasn’t big enough. So, I asked if an extra-large pizza would make it happen, and you know what he told me?”

  I shook my head.

  “He said that no pizza would be large enough to deliver a message like that. He suggested I change ‘asshole’ to ‘dick’ instead. Or to stop being an asshole, so I wouldn’t need to order an apology pizza.”

  I giggled at the kid’s gull.

  He shoved his hands in his pocket. “Is the pizza a good enough reason to invite me in? Or do I need to order an apology cake too?”

  Pressing my lips together, I considered the imaginary scripted words in chocolate frosting. Suddenly, the idea of double chocolate cake sounded more appealing than both the dumplings and pizza combined.

  He cursed. “You want cake, don’t you?”

  “You shouldn’t have suggested it,” I accused. “How did you know what apartment was mine anyway? And how the hell did you get in the building?”

  The front entryway was locked, and only residents had a key.

  “Some old lady let me in. It was actually quite easy, which is a huge hazard to your safety. All it took was a smile for your neighbor to let me in. Imagine what a gun would do.”

  How…morbid. “You’re telling me that you charmed your way in? Poor Mrs. Meyers probably didn’t know what had hit her!”

  “She survived.”

  I considered inviting him in, the scent of the cheesy goodness in my hands distracting me from my better judgement.

  “Fine,” I relented, stepping aside. Mostly, I just didn’t want Tater getting out. Not that she had ever tried escaping before.

  He stepped in, his large boots piercing my personal space. Standing next to him made me feel like a shrimp in the ocean with a whale. Caleb was a big guy—bulky, muscular, and tall.

  Closing the door and walking the pizza to the breakfast bar, I slowly turned to him. He surveyed my apartment slowly, eyes trailing across every inch of décor and furniture he could see. He smiled at the picture of me with my father wearing silly Christmas hats from the holidays last year.

  “So…” I popped my lips. “Thank you for the pizza. Although, I’m still cloudy on what it’s for.”

  He finally stopped scrutinizing my home and set those blue eyes on me. This time, he raked the length of my body—from my ponytail to slippers, spending an extra amount of time on my fuzzy pajama shorts that revealed a little too much thigh.

  Clearing my throat to gain his attention, he was quick to bring his sight back to my face.

  “It was for prying,” he admitted. “I know I’m nosy, but I meant well. You may not know it, but there are decent people out there, Pais. And you know what?”

  I didn’t answer.

  He stepped closer to me. “You won’t be sad forever.”

  I blinked. I’m always blinking around him. Goddamn it, he gives me a twitch!

  He brushed his fingertips down my arm lightly. “I don’t know who broke you, but I do know that it won’t always be this bad. Did Iris tell you anything about me?”

  “Just your career,” I murmured.

  Iris didn’t talk about her personal life often at work, usually just tidbits about her boys. But last summer she mentioned how excited she was to have her little brother come home for a month, since he was always traveling for work. I would have never guessed he was on officer in the army until she told me that he’d gone into the service right out of high school. He’d visit for a few weeks before going on to his next post, so she always soaked up any time she could with him.

  “I was engaged once,” he announced.

  Brows pinched, I asked, “What?”

  He nodded. “About six years ago, I was going to marry my high school sweetheart Kristen. I thought it was meant to be, but she didn’t. I found her sleeping with some random guy the night I came home early from deployment. It was supposed to be a surprise. Guess it was…for me.”

  Instant sadness filled the deepest crevices of my heart. I’d always been empathetic towards other people. If they experienced pain, I felt it right along with them. I hadn’t felt heartbreak the way most people did. I felt it through the eyes of another, my own personal memories of unrequited love murky in comparison.

  “I’m sorry, Cal.”

  He drew back, lips tilting up. “Cal, huh?”

  I blushed. “Sorry, I don’t know why—”

  “I like it.”

  He leaned against the back of the couch, crossing one ankle over the other and resting his arms on his chest. “And it’s okay, Paisley. Really, I’m over it. The point is, it doesn’t hurt forever. Eventually, we realize that there are reasons people come and go from our lives, even if we don’t like them.”

  Mashed Potato chose to make an appearance, rubbing against Caleb’s shin. She was usually anti-social, hiding away until people left. She hadn’t come out to see Nathan when he was over. Then again, Nate hadn’t bribed her with toys.

  “Who do we have here?” he asked, kneeling to stroke down her back.

  Watching him fuss over my white fluff ball made a smile stretch across my lips. Mashed Potato’s purrs were loud, and when she got on her hind legs asking him to pick her up, my heart melted into a puddle.

  “Th
at’s Mashed Potato.”

  He chuckled, settling her in his arms. “Nice name.”

  I shrugged. “Wasn’t my choice, but it stuck. She doesn’t usually like people.”

  Just as I said that, she nudged her head against his chin for more attention. He eyed me in disbelief as he scratched her side.

  Damn feline.

  “They say animals have good intuitions,” he pointed out, grinning at me.

  “Of course, you’d say that.”

  Walking around the bar, I grabbed two paper plates from the cupboard. Taking out a slice of pizza for each of us, I placed them on the counter next to the box. I didn’t want him making a big deal out of it, so I just sat down and watched him fuss over Tater.

  I shoved a plate toward him. “I should probably offer you food since you paid for it.”

  “It wouldn’t have to do with you possibly liking my company, would it?”

  “It isn’t like I invited you over.”

  His brow lifted. “Damn. Shots fired.”

  I sighed. “That was bitchy. I just meant that didn’t deliberately ask you over for dinner. You know, since you showed up unannounced and all.”

  He set Tater down, much to her dismay.

  “I got it for you,” he told me.

  “You don’t want any?”

  “I know better than to get between a girl and her food,” he mused. “Iris is vicious. Nearly lost a hand when I tried stealing her dinner roll at Thanksgiving once.”

  I laughed, because I could picture that in my head.

  “Carbs are a girl’s best friend,” I teased, picking off a piece of pepperoni and eating it.

  “And here I thought diamonds were,” he responded, walking over and sitting down next to me. He watched me nibble at the pizza like it somehow fascinated him. “I guess that explains why it didn’t work with Kristen.”

  How could he joke about it like that, like being cheated on was somehow his fault?

  “You’re…” I shook my head, laughing a little. “Something else.”

  He grinned. “Been called worse by my own mother, so thank you.”

  I giggled brushing my hands through my ponytail.