Risk the Fall

by Steph Campbell

  “Listen, it was really good to see you, but I’ve got to get out of here.” She gives me a half smile and then walks away.

  I’ve pictured running into Quinn countless times over the last month or so, and I’ve thought about all of the things I’d say to her. This is not going anything like I’d planned.

  “Quinn!” I call, running easily catch up to her.

  She stops abruptly and sighs. “What do you want from me, Ben?”

  She’s staring up at me, wide eyed and beautiful.

  “I don’t want anything from you – I mean, I do. Shit! I don’t know what I mean.” Why does she make me stumble over my words like an idiot? “I’m not saying we have to get back together. I just don’t understand why things have to be like this with us. We aren’t strangers; we don’t have to act like it.”

  She pinches her lips together. “Don’t you get that I’m no good for you?”

  I take a step closer to her. More than anything, I want to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her close to me like I used to be able to do.

  “Don’t you get that I don’t care about any of that?”

  She finally blinks and looks away. I close the space between us and hold her cheek in my palm. Her eyes close, and her features soften. She rolls her cheek back and forth in my hand. She’s so close. Finally.

  When she speaks, her voice is tender and full of emotion.

  “Ben, I don’t know how to make you understand. My family is just so incredibly dysfunctional. And do you know what I’ve realized? That I’m exactly like them. You need proof? Look what I did to us.”

  I shake my head in disagreement. “No, you just have no idea how incredible you are in spite of them.”

  “No, I’m seriously flawed.”

  I can see a tiny part of her opening up again.

  “Shit, Quinn, we’re all flawed. I’m not looking for perfect. I don’t care if it’s messy. I’m just looking for real … I thought that’s what we had.”

  Quinn stares down at her hands. I can’t take it anymore; I have to be able to touch her. I reach out to hold her hands, they feel like tiny icicles. I slip them inside the front pocket of my hoodie, making her unbearably close.

  “I don’t need you to rescue me, Ben.”

  “Well, maybe I need you to rescue me.” I say.

  She snorts, and I can’t help but crack a smile.

  “Rescue you from what exactly? Your doting mother? Your perfect ex-girlfriend?”

  “A life without you in it,” I tell her. I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before, but I can see the . “You don’t understand, Quinn. You have saved me from a mind-numbingly boring life. I’ve always followed a strict plan – and it wasn’t even my plan – I’ve done what I was supposed to do, without questioning why. But you came in to my life, and no matter what kind of drama we’ve been through, somehow, you’re the only thing that has ever made any sense to me at all.”

  “But I can’t promise I won’t screw up again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’ll happen sooner than later. I can’t promise things won’t fall apart.” The rain has picked up, and is now falling in steady sheets, but neither one of us acknowledges the fact that we’re both getting drenched.

  “You don’t have to make me any promises, Quinn. I don’t care about any of that.” She rests her head on my chest and I breathe her in deeply. “Well, there is one thing that I want you to promise me: if shit hits the fan again, just let me be there for you. Promise that you’ll let me love you.” As soon as the last few words fall off of my tongue, I feel her tense in my arms and I know I’ve gone too far.

  “This has got to stop,” she mumbles. It’s so soft, I’m not sure if I hear her right.

  “Wait, what does?” I ask. She pulls away from me.

  “This. You and me. All of this.” She flails her hands around. “It all just has to stop.”

  This time, I don’t know how to respond to her. Quinn’s ups-and-downs are part of who she is, I get that, but I right now, when I’ve opened up to her so much I can’t take it. I don’t feel like being her fool.

  “You know what? I’ve never been real fond of roller coasters. So just go ahead and let me off of this one,” I say flatly.

  She responds with a half-hearted nod.

  “Quinn, do you have any idea how much I fucking love you?” The words get caught in my throat like a glob of wet sand.

  She steps back, and my heart sinks. “That doesn’t mean anything. It’s not enough.”

  Her words fill me with a scorching, angry sadness. The weight on my chest aches and chokes me up.

  “You’re wrong, Quinn.” I drop my stinging eyes, unable to look at her. “It means everything.”

  “I’ve got to go,” she says again. Her voice is emotionless and she wipes the water from her face, like she’s wiping away everything that just happened, because that’s easy for her.

  This time I don’t try to stop her. Instead, I turn away before I have to watch her walk away. I can’t play this back-and-forth game any longer.

  “That’s why I never said it back, you know.” I hear her call. When I turn around, she has stopped a few steps away from me.

  “Said, what, Quinn?” I ask, totally deflated.

  “I never said I love you, because I knew we’d never last. I warned you I’d screw it up.”

  I stand there, soaking wet, and watch her walk away, knowing that this time, it’s for good.

  “Don’t even think about going out tonight,” my dad says.

  “Whatever,” I mumble. My backpack hits each step with a thud as I drag it up the stairs behind me.

  “What the hell was that little stunt today, Quinn?” He follows me up the stairs and stands in my bedroom doorway, any momentary hopes I had that he’d just leave me alone are squashed.

  My hand twitches as I rest it on top of my desk, in the top drawer I’ve stashed the pills I’ve taken from my mom’s cabinet and as soon as he walks away, I can take the two Valium I know are in there.

  “I had a headache.”

  His brows pinch together as he glares. “You can’t just run out of school because you have a headache.”

  “Why?” I’m mere inches away from them, those perfect blue bits of euphoria. I slump down in my desk chair.

  The vein in between Dad’s eyebrows is pulsating.

  “Damn it, Quinn! You embarrassed me.”

  In front of Jill is what he doesn’t say. At least it wasn’t in front of Mena, right?

  “Oops,” I mumble.

  The room swirls around me as I start spinning in the swivel chair. I know I’m being a childish brat, but I’ve given up the fight, I just want him to go away.

  “You’re mother and I have had it! You want to ruin your life, go right ahead. We’re done. If you don’t want to finish school, and want to live your life as nothing more than a statistic, do it. I don’t care. But I will tell you one thing, if you don’t plan on graduating, you can go ahead and start packing your things.”

  “Okay.”

  The room comes to an abrupt stop. The eggplant-colored walls slowly come into focus. Dad’s hands grip the armrests of my chair.

  “You don’t take anything seriously do you?” The hazel flecks in his eyes dance with anger.

  I stare back at him blankly. Emotionless. I’m empty.

  We continue this father-daughter stare off for what seems like decades, all the while, my index finger traces the drawer that I’m so desperate to get into.

  He finally relents, shoving my chair away from him in disgust before he storms away.

  Barely a nanosecond passes before I wheel myself back over to the desk, and the two circular pieces of heaven are dissolving on my tongue.

  “Benny, how are you doing?” Mom says from the doorway.

  I’ve been sitting at my desk since I got home from school today. “I’m fine mom.”

  “Do you want a snack?”

  Yeah, Mom, I’d like an apple sauce and a juice box.

&nb
sp; “Nope, I’m good. Thanks.”

  “Grilled cheese? Egg sandwich?”

  “No, not hungry, Mom.”

  “I could make you some French toast.”

  “Seriously, Mom, I don’t want anything.” I open the thick folder of college applications and start flipping through them.

  “Quesadilla?”

  I abruptly close the folder and slam it down on to the desk top. “Jesus, Mom! No. Nothing.”

  Her hand flies to her chest, and her eyes start to water. “Okay. I’m just trying to help, is all.”

  “I know.”

  “I just don’t want you sitting up here moping over that girl,” she says.

  I throw my hands up. “Mom, you really want to start that again?”

  “I’m not starting anything. It just doesn’t make any sense to waste your time thinking about her. You two just weren’t right for each other. I think it’s for the best. You know, I prayed about it, and I just know things will turn out the way they’re supposed to.”

  “Stop,” I say.

  “In any case, you need to get started on those college essays. You don’t have much time left to get them done, Benny.”

  “Got it,” I mumble. I thumb through the applications. Harvard. Columbia. Carleton. Vassar.

  I wish I felt inspired to write one of those damn essays. Or play my bass. Or do anything other than think about that look in Quinn’s eyes. The look that said that she knew that she could save me from this heartbreak, but that she wouldn’t even try.

  I need to get out of here.

  “Thanks for riding with me,” I say.

  “No problem, man. I didn’t have anything going on anyway,” Grant says.

  I’d forced myself to write one half-assed essay before calling Grant to run a couple of errands with me.

  I glance at the clock on the dashboard. “Oh shit, it’s almost six, I just need to do something really quick,” I say.

  Grant looks at me suspiciously as I pull into a deserted parking garage and drive to the roof.

  “Okay, I’ll bite, what the hell are we doing here?” he asks. I jump out of the car without answering and pop the trunk. I unzip the camera bag and put the strap of the camera around my neck before Grant even gets out of the car.

  “Dude, are you all right?” Grant calls after me.

  I rush to the edge of the parking garage. Grant stays behind. He must think I’m totally insane. Maybe I am.

  “I’m fine man, one second.” The sky is on fire with the deep orange clouds fighting to stay alive against the dark grey haze that settles over them like a wave rushing onto shore. I snap a single picture and then walk back to the car.

  “I’m not even going to ask,” he says.

  I slide back into the passenger seat and nod.

  Any miniscule nugget of sanity I have left will be gone if I have to stay in the house any longer. My dad took my car keys with him when he went to his “meeting” and my mom’s asleep on the couch right next to the front door. I checked, and she’s passed out, drooling all over herself and everything. Still, I can’t guarantee that she won’t wake up from her Xanax-induced coma as soon as I try to leave.

  My bedroom screen pops off with little effort and I slide it under my bed before I slip out the window. I let my feet dangle until they meet the patio cover. When I’m in situations like this, I’m actually thankful I’m a gymnast. I balance across the length of it with such ease. To me, it’s just like walking across the sidewalk. I jump silently from the patio cover and land lightly on the grass.

  I smooth out the collar of my black lace shirt and brush the stray grass off of my jeans and heels.

  He is waiting for me in his truck. An anxious smile creeps across his face while he leans over to pop the passenger door open for me.

  “Girl, you’re going to be in so much shit if you get caught!” he laughs.

  “Just drive, Daniel,” I say, shutting the door quickly.

  He snickers again as he puts the truck into drive.

  I press my forehead to the window. The sky is clear of its usual thick clouds, and is full of stars. If I wasn’t so miserable it’d probably be beautiful.

  “What’s going on tonight? Where are we going?” I ask. It doesn’t matter, really, nowhere will be far enough to escape myself.

  “Party at Shayna Gillan’s house, cool?”

  I scoff and roll my eyes.

  “Oops. My bad, I forgot you two aren’t tight.”

  “Yeah, that’s kind of an understatement.”

  “Well, you wanna go somewhere else? I’m open to suggestions.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t really think of anywhere else to go at this hour.”

  “My parents are in the city for the night. We could always head back to my place, like old times.” Daniel’s hand finds my knee in the darkness.

  “Probably not.” I shove his hand away. I know Daniel must think I’m using him. But the truth is, physical stuff is easy for me. If I was just using him, I’d let him touch me like he wants to. I don’t because I actually still care about him, even if I can’t admit that to him.

  “Shayna’s house is fine. Just don’t go ditching me like you always do! I’m not going to get stuck having to talk to that ho-bag.”

  Shayna lives so far out in the middle of nowhere, it could be a different country. Daniel and I have to traipse through the damp woods and then down a long gravel path to make it to her house. My pinched toes ache, and I’m seriously regretting my choice of footwear.

  “So, what’d you do to get yourself into trouble this time, Quinny?” Daniel asks as he kicks a piece of white rock across the lawn.

  “Don’t want to talk about it.” My stomach is queasy with nerves. I know that I successfully got out of the house tonight, and I shouldn’t care anyway because I’m eighteen. I also know my dad was serious. I can try to enjoy myself now that I’m already out, but I still know in my gut that I’m going to get caught, and have to deal with my parent’s wrath all over again. My feelings about them are so damn conflicting. Half the time, I don’t give a crap if I piss them off or not, and the other half, I just want to make them happy. I want them to accept me, like parents are supposed to.

  “That’s cool. Let’s just have a good time, baby doll.” This time, I don’t object to his touch when he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

  Near the front of the massive line of cars, I spot Tessa’s Jesus-fish covered Jetta.

  “Shit,” I grumble. I’m undecided as to who I’d like to avoid more now, Tess or Shayna.

  “Good times, remember.” Daniel squeezes my shoulders. The familiar smell of his spicy-appley scented cologne calms me.

  He holds the front door open for me. I don’t even make it a step inside before I see them.

  I’d just walked in the front door from picking up the seven rolls of film I’d had developed (I know its super old-school to use a film camera, but I just can’t get into the whole “digital-age.” Dad says it’s because I’m “cut from a different cloth” whatever the hell that means,) when Tessa showed up at my house.

  My mom ate that shit right up. Quinn must be erased from my life if I have someone like Tessa, who could pass for a missionary in her conservative sweater and knee-length skirt coming over to keep me company.

  At first, Tessa acted all concerned. She said she knew exactly what I was going through and just wanted me to have someone to talk to. Of course, she played it just right, asking me to go for coffee with her in front of my mom. Mom glared at me like she was trying to melt my brain when I tried to turn Tessa down.

  Obviously, Tessa’s plans changed as soon as we were her car. The cardigan was thrown into her back seat, revealing a low cut, sheer tank top, and her flats were switched out for some ridiculously high heels. Some guys might have been impressed by her boldness, but I’m not one of those guys.

  Now we’re standing in some strange girl’s house. Tessa told me that she needed to run by a friend’s place before we went for c
offee. The fact that there was a party going on was somehow left out of the sales pitch.

  For over an hour, I’ve been trying to come up with an excuse to leave that doesn’t make me sound like a total asshole. At the same time, Tessa has been trying to find any excuse to touch my arm, rest her hand on my chest or run her fingers through my hair. I’m not an idiot, and her desperation is less than attractive.

  And now, Quinn is standing in the doorway with that rat bastard Daniel’s arm around her while Tessa is picking imaginary lint off of my sweater. Worrying about how not to look like an asshole all night, seems to have really worked out for me.

  My eyes meet Quinn’s – just long enough for her to throw her head back in an exaggerated bark of laughter before she walks away, leaving Daniel on his own.

  “So, if you aren’t going with anyone—” Tessa is saying. I break away from her, leaving her mid-sentence. I’m obviously continuing on my “I’m a dickhead” roll.

  But there isn’t any thought behind what I do when it comes to Quinn. Nothing makes sense or is a normal reaction for me. Since the day I met her, my normal rules haven’t applied.

  I don’t bother trying to chase after her. I feel like I have been chasing after a hurricane for the last month. I can’t keep up anymore, maybe I never could. I can’t keep making a damn fool of myself. I can’t keep trying to convince her that I love her enough for the both of us. I’ve given up trying. Instead, I decide to follow Daniel.

  As soon as I grasp his forearm, he spins around looking surprised, and probably thinking I am looking for a fight. Maybe I am. I don’t even know any more.

  “What the hell, dude?” He shakes off my grip.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  He shakes his head, annoyed. “No, what the hell is your problem?”

  I nod in Quinn’s direction. She’s near the top of the tall, winding staircase now, and my guess is, she never bothered to look back at all.

  “Just take care of her,” I say.