Risk and Reward

by Rachael Duncan

  “Thanks again for dinner,” I tell him once I get to my door.

  “Anytime.”

  The awkwardness is back where neither of us knows what to say. He rocks on the balls of his feet while I look around searching for something to fill the silence.

  “Well, good night,” he says. Leaning in, he places a sweet kiss on my cheek, and despite the way our dinner ended, my insides flutter from the contact.

  “Night.”

  With one more look, he turns on his heel and walks away.

  As I unlock my front door and walk in, I realize I have two options. I can forgive Ethan and move on, or dwell on his comment and end things before they even get started. Was he being malicious, or was it truly a slip of the tongue and a poorly timed joke? This question rolls around in my mind on a constant loop as I get ready for bed. While looking up at the dark ceiling of my bedroom, I realize I can’t answer that yet. Only time will tell what his true intentions were.

  GLANCING AROUND MY quiet apartment, I need to find something to do. I pick up my phone and send a text to the girls.

  Me: I know it’s last minute, but I need a girls’ day. Who’s down?

  Lydia: Don’t you work today?

  Me: I called in sick.

  Paige: Well aren’t you the model employee.

  Me: Shut it. Lol

  Scarlett: I just have a morning class, and then I’m done for the day. I could meet up around lunch time.

  Lydia: Marcus has today off. I could sneak away for lunch. Tell me when and where and I’m there.

  Paige: You’ll have to have fun without me. I have to work.

  Me: I thought you were quitting.

  Paige: I thought I was too. :-/

  Me: How’s sushi?

  Lydia: Sounds good. Meet at 11? I’m starving.

  Scarlett: That works for me.

  Me: See you guys then!

  Obviously I’m not sick, but I need a break from Ethan. Last week, we both acted like dinner didn’t end on an awkward note, or like he didn’t really upset me. He’s gone back to his charming self, but every time he grins, all I see is the smug smile when he assumed my biggest regret in life was Nate. I know I’m probably making a bigger deal about this than it really is, but I can’t stop thinking about it. After a week of faking it, I need a little space right now.

  A few hours later and I’m pulling up to our favorite sushi restaurant. It’s a little hole in the wall that looks sort of sketchy on the outside, but has the best sushi in town. We found it on accident a few years ago and have been loyal customers ever since.

  “Hey!” I greet as I walk in. Looks like I’m the last one to show up.

  “Hey,” Lydia and Scarlett say at the same time.

  “How’s the baby?” I ask Lydia. You wouldn’t know she just gave birth a week ago. She’s one of those women that must have a pact with the devil. There’s just no other explanation for how amazing she looks.

  “She’s good,” she says as she lights up. “She’s wearing me out with how much she eats. I swear I feel like a damn cow most of the time, but she’s a good baby. She’s not super fussy and only cries when she needs something.” She glances down at her watch. “I can’t stay long and need to get back to her, but wanted to catch up with you girls real quick.”

  “How’s Marcus with her?” Scarlett asks.

  I didn’t think it was possible, but at the mention of her husband, Lydia looks even happier. “He’s really amazing and never complains about changing diapers. He said he feels kind of bad he can’t help with the late-night feedings since I’m nursing, so to help out, he changes Ella’s diaper before giving her to me.”

  “I’m really happy for you,” I say with a smile.

  “Enough about me, how are you guys? I’ve been so wrapped up in all things Ella that I haven’t had much time to check in.”

  Scarlett groans. “I’m ready for this semester to be over. I hate teaching these entry-level courses. You have a bunch of eighteen year olds who want you to hold their hand through everything and it makes me question how they even get dressed by themselves.”

  Scarlett teaches at a local community college and is clearly over it.

  “You’re almost done, right?” Lydia asks.

  “Yeah, if I survive finals. Do you know I have students straight up ask me what’s going to be on the test? When I said whatever material we covered in the course, I really thought some of them were going to cry.”

  I let out a laugh. “It can’t be that bad.”

  “Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating the crying part, but they honestly couldn’t believe I wouldn’t give them an outline of what they should study.” Lydia and I shake our heads as we look at Scarlett with amusement.

  “How are you and Ethan?” Scarlett asks me. I let out a sigh. “Uh oh. That bad already, huh?”

  “No, it’s not bad, it’s just . . . I don’t know.”

  The waitress brings us all some water and asks us for our order. After she walks away, Lydia says, “Well, it can’t be good if you’re looking that stressed.”

  She’s right. I fill them in on dinner at Ethan’s. “Then before that I got a weird vibe from him when he asked if I went over to Nate’s house to pick up my mail. At first I thought it was a jealousy thing, which I didn’t care for, but it seems more than that now. Am I overreacting or is it weird to you too?”

  They both glance at each other before Lydia says, “Why don’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? He said he was sorry. Maybe it was an innocent mistake on his part.”

  “Yeah,” I respond, but I know my tone shows I’m not convinced. “He brings Nate up now and then and throws in his digs. I think that’s what bothers me the most. I was upfront with him from the beginning about being legally married, and it’s like he can’t handle it.”

  “Girl, I would’ve bailed already on that one. Red flags are all over it,” Scarlett chimes in.

  “Yeah, coming from the girl who dates a guy for a couple weeks before moving on.”

  “All I’m saying is this should be the most carefree part of a relationship. If there are already problems, then it’s not going to work.”

  Her point has some merit. Thinking back to Nate and me, things were great between us in the beginning. Hell, I don’t think we had our first fight until we moved in together a year after we started dating. It was effortless and didn’t get complicated until his last promotion. So maybe having a good start isn’t the key to a long lasting relationship either.

  Lydia scoffs. “Don’t listen to her. We both know she’s jaded.” She shoots a grin at Scarlett who shrugs and takes a sip of her water. “Plus, if I had listened to her philosophy, I wouldn’t be with Marcus now. I wish I could give you some advice on what to do, but you have to figure that out yourself.

  I nod, my questions no more answered now than they were before. “Do you have regrets about leaving Nate?” Scarlett asks. All sarcasm and snarkiness is absent from her question.

  I shake my head. “No.” Sometimes. With our memories constantly popping up, I’m more confused now than I ever was. When I made the decision to leave Nate, I was confident in my choice, knowing it was the right thing for me. Now? My certainty is wavering.

  It’s easy to recognize the bad when you’re in the moment. All the good is erased and you’re blinded by the negative. Each fight, every moment of hurt starts as a small scab. If taken care of, it’ll heal. But the more you pick, the worse it gets until it festers and infects everything. Is that what I let happen to my marriage? What if I had tried to fix my initial hurt instead of internalizing and letting it fester?

  “Charlotte,” Lydia says, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, just thinking about what you said.” I give her a tight smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.

  “So when are you going to have baby number two?” Scarlett asks, switching topics abruptly. I’m thankful for it.

  Lydia nearly chokes on her water. “Jesus, I just had her a
week ago! Why don’t you ask me when I can feel my nipples again, okay?”

  And our conversation takes on from there. After a few minutes, I’m able to put my thoughts aside and enjoy our lunch. It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out like this, and besides missing Paige, it feels like old times. For the moment, I’m able to forget that I’ve left my husband, I have a bad feeling about Ethan, and that my life is a wreck.

  The next morning, I’m walking out to my car to head to work when I see something on my windshield. Upon closer inspection, it’s a rose with a note tied to it.

  I know things are still awkward between us and I’m to blame. I’ve tried to pretend I didn’t ruin what could be between us with my big mouth. I’m really sorry. Can we start over?

  - Ethan

  I bring the pink rose up to my nose and inhale. A slow smile spreads across my face.

  “Hey.” I look up to see Ethan approaching with one cautious step at a time.

  “Hey,” I respond, feeling more relaxed around him than I have in over a week.

  “I see you got my note,” he says as he points to the flower in my hand.

  I nod. “Yep.”

  He shoves his hands deep into his pockets. “I don’t know how else to say it—”

  “It’s okay,” I say, cutting him off.

  “You said that before, but I know it’s not.”

  I shake my head. “No, I mean it this time. Fresh start?” I offer.

  His lopsided smile returns. Walking up to me, he holds out his hand. “Hi, I’m Ethan Peck. I work in sales, I like all things spicy, and I tend to stick my foot in my mouth from time to time.”

  I take his offered hand. “Hi, I’m Charlotte Townsend, a soon-to-be divorcee and secretary. I hate all things spicy and tend to take things more personally than I should.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Charlotte,” he says, still holding my hand.

  “Likewise, Ethan.”

  “Can I take you out to dinner this weekend?”

  “I’d love that.”

  It’s funny how a few small words can ease the mind. Especially when those same words weren’t enough a week ago, but I’m trying to learn from my past mistakes. I’m done stewing on things, letting them infect my mind. It’s time I move on from the old me, and that starts today.

  THE LAST MONTH has flown by and now summer is knocking on our door. Even though it’s only May, the humidity is creeping in, making mild days feel warmer than usual.

  Things between Ethan and me have been effortless. We see each other here and there at work and usually go out once during the weekend. I’m not ready to jump feet first into a new relationship, but I like where this is going. We’re taking it slow and easy both physically and emotionally. There are no expectations and we’re content taking this day by day.

  Speak of the devil, I think as I look down at my phone when it rings.

  “Hello?” I answer.

  “How’s my girl?” Ethan asks.

  A small smile spreads across my face, still not used to his nickname for me. “I’m good. What’s up?”

  “Nothing much, just thinking about you. What are you doing today?”

  I let out a bored sigh and look around my apartment. “I need to get out today. It’s so quiet here all the time. It’s a little lonely.” I’m surprised by how much it bothers me. I was constantly alone when Nate was away on business, but it really gets to me now. Maybe it’s because I made a choice to not feel like this again, and now that I do, it stands out.

  “I could always move in,” he suggests. Silence quickly follows and I have no clue what to say. His chuckle meets my ears. “I’m kidding, Charlotte.” I don’t know what the relief I feel says about me, but I’m glad he wasn’t serious. “Have you thought about getting a pet or something?” he asks.

  “A fish crossed my mind for about a millisecond.”

  “A fish? That’s a pet you get a five-year-old.” He almost sounds offended by the suggestion, making me laugh. “What about a puppy?”

  “I don’t know the first thing about training a puppy. Plus, I’ll be at work all day and won’t be able to let him out to go to the bathroom.” I don’t want to keep a little puppy in a crate all day, but I can’t have it running around peeing everywhere either.

  “Okay, then get an older dog, one that’s already house trained.”

  I’m not immediately rejecting the idea, which surprises me. My dad hates animals, so we never had any when I was growing up, but maybe this is exactly what I need. “I can look into it.”

  “How about I come get you and we can pick one out?”

  Do people wake up one day and just decide they want a dog? I thought this was something you were supposed to actually think about, but here I am about to get up and do it. “Sure,” I tell him.

  “Awesome, I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

  This is so random, but I can’t help feeling excited. Besides, this is fitting and everything that is Ethan and me. Sometimes we’re spontaneous and it doesn’t make sense, but it’s fun and I like it.

  “Any thoughts on breed?” Ethan asks as he drives us to the shelter. I insisted on getting a rescue dog versus one from a pet store.

  I shrug. “Not really. I don’t want a really big dog, but I’m not a fan of tiny, ankle biters either.”

  “No Great Danes or Chihuahuas. Check.”

  “Definitely no Great Danes. Those things don’t need collars; they need saddles. I swear they’re part horse.”

  Ethan’s low chuckle meets my ears. “You’re cute.”

  I grin and glance at him from the corner of my eye, his matching smile making my stomach do flips.

  “Honestly, I don’t care if it’s a mutt. I just want something sweet and not super hyper.”

  “I’m sure we’ll find something.” Grabbing my hand, he brings it up to his mouth and kisses it. My heart stops for a second as a flash of déjà vu hits me. The gesture is so familiar, and one Nate used to do often. But where Ethan smiles, Nate would always wink, turning my insides into mush.

  I want to shake myself. Will it always be like this? Will I always compare the person I’m with to my ex-husband? It’s more than a little frustrating because it’s making it harder for me to move on. With every good moment I recall, my doubts increase over the choice I made to leave him.

  “We’re here,” Ethan says, pulling me from my thoughts. He gives me a questioning look when my head snaps in his direction and I give him a tight smile. I open the car door and get out before he can ask me about my sudden shift in mood.

  We walk slowly through the shelter after being greeted by the woman at the front desk. There are rows of dogs up for adoption, and it breaks my heart knowing I can’t save them all.

  “Any of them stand out to you?” Ethan asks as we continue to walk along the kennels.

  “They’re all cute. I don’t know how I’m going to pick.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I spot the sweetest looking dog sitting patiently while we walk by. “Hey, buddy,” I greet in a gentle tone. He stands up and looks up at me with pleading eyes.

  I grab the paperwork hanging outside of his kennel to find out more about him and how he got here. “Tobey” is an approximate one-year-old, chocolate lab mix male who was abandoned by its owner. No food aggression and is good with kids.

  “Let’s get you out of there. What do you say?” His tail wags back and forth, giving me his answer.

  There’s a closed room off to the side of the kennels where you’re allowed to bring one animal in at a time to see if you mesh or not. Before I take him in there, I already know he’s going home with me.

  Ethan and I sit on the little bench they have in the room. As soon as we do, he comes and lays his head in my lap and looks up at me just like he did a minute ago.

  “Awww, how can I not take him? He’s so sweet.” I never believed in insta-love, but I do now. Within two minutes, I’ve fallen completely in love with this dog. “I love him. I want him,” I declare
.

  “I don’t know if I should be jealous or not,” Ethan says beside me while I continue to pet the top of “Tobey’s” head. “If he’s the one, then let’s go fill out the paperwork.”

  My cheeks hurt from smiling so much as we walk up to the front desk and put everything in motion to bring my dog home. I’m kind of shocked by how much stuff I have to fill out and agree to in order to leave with him, but it’ll be worth it. Plus, it’s good to see they want to make sure these pets are adopted out to good homes.

  After what feels like hours, we’re finally on our way out to Ethan’s car with “Tobey” beside us. Instead of making him sit in the back, I let him climb up in my lap on the way home.

  “Take care of our boy,” Ethan says as we all get out of the car. Every now and then Ethan makes a comment that gives me pause. I never bring attention to it, but something about it strikes me as odd.

  “Will do,” I respond over my shoulder as I leave him to head toward my apartment building.

  “Welcome home.” With the door open, I let him in, free to investigate. He moves around the apartment like he’s searching for a bomb, sniffing absolutely everything. His tail is going a mile a minute, and he looks happy. I’ve never seen a dog smile, but this one is.

  He doesn’t look like a Tobey; so on the way home I was thinking of what else to name him.

  “Choco,” I call out. His head tilts to the side as his ears perk up. “Do you like that name?” He runs to me with his tongue hanging out. I like it because it’s different but also a play on his breed. “Alright, Choco it is.”

  I lean down to rub his side and he licks my chin. I have to remember to thank Ethan later. This is exactly what I need in my life right now.

  Later on in the evening, I’m sitting on the couch watching TV with Choco curled up next to me. Here’s this animal who’s been abandoned by someone he thought loved him, yet he’s accepting of me. He was no longer a priority and discarded like a piece of trash. While I wasn’t thrown out by Nate, I can certainly relate to the feeling of abandonment. It’s a deep hurt I covered with anger and hostility. There’s not an ounce of that in Choco’s eyes, and maybe he’s just grateful I’m here to love him. Hopefully, I can learn from him and let go some of the bitterness that holds my heart prisoner.