Risk and Reward

by Rachael Duncan

  He’s quiet for what seems like a lifetime before he says, “I know.”

  He catches me off guard. “You do? How?”

  “I found your pills a long time ago.”

  Now I feel even worse. Not only did I keep this from him, but he knew I was. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I knew it was hard on you, but it was hard on me too. It killed me to hold you while you cried as each test came up negative. I wanted nothing more than to have a family with you, but not at your expense. There were so many times I wanted to say we should stop, but I didn’t know how. When I found your pills, I was almost relieved I didn’t have to be the one to suggest it.”

  Tears leak from the corners of my eyes and land on his chest. He holds me tighter. “I felt like such a failure,” I admit, emotion chocking my throat.

  He pushes me away so he can look into my face. The only light illuminating us coming from the stars and moon above. “God, no, Charlotte. You weren’t a failure. If all I ever have in my life is you—and Choco,” he adds, making me smile. “Then I’ll die a happy man.”

  “I love you.” The words are out before I can think better of it, but I don’t regret saying them. I do love Nate. I always have.

  He smiles warmly at me. “I love you, too.”

  Nate closes the small amount of space that separates us and kisses me. It starts slow and soft, but quickly morphs. The passion and intensity I’ve been missing is back stronger than ever. All of our hurt and pain is expressed and soothed with love.

  I cup his face as his tongue swipes at my lips, requesting entry. My mouth parts to allow him access. As soon as we connect, I’m on a roller coaster ride with the way my stomach drops and my senses spring to life. We’ve done this a million times before, but this might as well be the first. With a fresh start and nothing between us, I let down my wall and give myself over to him completely, heart, body, and soul.

  “God, I’ve missed you so much,” he says into my mouth. He seals our mouths before I can respond. “You have no idea how much I’ve ached for you all these months. It’s been torture, my love.”

  His pelvis grinds into me, revealing his arousal. It spurs mine on as my center throbs with want and need. I hook my leg over his to draw him closer, needing some kind of friction to ease the ache.

  He grabs the blanket and pulls it up over us before his hand trails down my side and into the front of my pants. A small groan vibrates in the back of my throat as soon as he touches my most sensitive spot.

  “You’re gonna have to keep quiet or the whole campsite will hear you, okay?”

  I bite my lip hard with my eyes closed, doing everything in my power to stifle the moans that are eager to come out. His strokes start slow and gentle, but increase in speed and pressure. The change in pace has me on the edge of an orgasm, and I’m desperate to crash over.

  My fingers dig into his shoulders while my entire body stiffens. Parting my mouth, I gasp and my breath hitches. “I’m so close,” I attempt to whisper. I’m not sure if I’m successful and at this point I don’t care.

  “Come for me, my love.” With one more flick I’m a goner.

  Nate crashes his lips against mine to swallow the moans I’m not able to hold back. He plays my body with expertise, drawing my orgasm out to an unbearable length. I start to come down from my high completely spent and exhausted. I lie there limply as he peppers kisses all over my face and neck.

  “You’re sexy as hell,” he growls in my ear. It’s then that I realize he has a . . . problem.

  “Want me to take care of you?” I whisper into the night.

  “I’m good.” He bites my ear and new goose bumps appear. “When I come, I want it to be deep inside your body while you scream my name.”

  Oh, God.

  I think I just came again.

  PARANOIA HAS SET in. Whenever I’m alone, I get the strangest feeling that someone is watching me. Of course, when I look around no one is there, but I still can’t shake it.

  You’re done when I say you’re done.

  A chill runs up my spine as his words replay in my mind. Maybe he’s a guy who doesn’t handle rejection well and it’s an empty threat.

  But what if it’s not?

  The latter causes me to look over my shoulder constantly and double-take on things that aren’t there.

  After my wonderful weekend with Nate, Monday came way too soon. I wanted to stay on our pile of blankets forever, but reality came calling. It’s just after lunch and we’re pretty slow today. With nothing to do, I strum my fingers on my desk and wait for a customer to walk in.

  My phone buzzes next to me.

  Nate: Want to have dinner with me tonight?

  A smile pulls at the corners of my mouth. I know I told him I wanted to go slow, and seeing him every day may not fit that request. But after the other night, I say to hell with it.

  Me: Not sick of me yet?

  Nate: Never.

  Me: Sure. I get home around 5:30.

  Nate: Perfect. I’ll bring takeout so you don’t have to cook.

  Me: Promise you’ll bring Chinese and you’re on.

  Nate: Would I bring anything else?

  Me: See you tonight then.

  Nate: Can’t wait.

  If I thought the workday was going by slow before, it crawls at a snail’s pace now. I took a class once in college where the professor attempted to explain time in terms of fundamental physical quantities. It went way over my head, and I stared at him like he had five heads. Physics wasn’t my strong suit. However, I’ve got it figured out now. Time functions on a scale based solely on one’s anticipation. If you’re excited about an event that has yet to occur, time stands still. If you’re having a blast, time moves at warp speed.

  Looking at the lower right-hand corner of my computer screen, it reads four fifty-eight. Close enough. I clock out, grab my purse, and make my way to the front door. As I’m passing the floor-to-ceiling windows, I see someone standing between the cars staring in my direction. My steps slow as I move around a support column that obstructs my view. When I’m clear of it, he’s gone. I lean out the door and look in every direction but it’s as if they vanished.

  “Hey, did you guys see anyone standing over there?” I ask the guys working the service desk right next to the door. They look at each other before shaking their heads at me. “Okay, thanks.”

  With a hurried pace, my head is on a swivel as I make my way to my car. Once I’m in the driver’s seat and lock my door, I take a deep breath.

  “You’re being ridiculous. No one was there.”

  People don’t vanish into thin air, and there was no way he could have run away that quickly. I need to get a grip before I give myself an ulcer.

  In an effort to push Ethan out of my mind, I focus on what awaits me when I get home. Happiness courses through my body as I almost bounce in my seat. I know I just saw him yesterday morning, but I’m excited to see him again.

  I rush through my apartment picking up the clothes off my floor and the dishes in the sink. I wasn’t anticipating company, so it’s a little disheveled at the moment. Choco watches me as he waits next to the door ready to go out.

  “I gotcha, buddy. Just let me throw these towels in the basket and we’ll go outside.” His tail wags in acknowledgment. As I’m grabbing his leash off the hook, there’s a knock at the door. Without looking through the peephole, I open it and am greeted by a smile that could knock me on my ass.

  “Hey, you look gorgeous,” Nate says as he wraps me in a hug and kisses me.

  “You don’t look too bad yourself,” I respond. “I have to walk Choco real quick.”

  “Here, let me.” He holds his hand out for the leash. “You’ve been working all day, so sit down and relax for a few minutes.” I pause for a second before giving him the leash. This is a side of Nate I haven’t seen in a long time, a side that showed me he cared. It was never about the grand gestures and more about the little things that let me know he was thinkin
g about me.

  Walking into my kitchen, he sets our food down, gives me another kiss as he walks by, hooks Choco up, and takes him out. By the time they get back, I have our plates served and drinks poured.

  “Thanks for picking up dinner,” I say to him as he sits down at the dinner table.

  “No problem.”

  I take a few bites before it dawns on me that today was his first day at his new position. “Oh! How did your first day go?”

  He points at his mouth while he chews his food faster. Once he swallows, he says, “It was good. I like it so far.”

  Studying his face, I search for any clue he’s not being honest with me. As much as I hated his old work schedule, I don’t want to compromise his happiness for mine. That’s not how a relationship should work. I take in his demeanor and notice he’s relaxed and the dark circles around his eyes are gone. I haven’t seen him this rested since he took the job as assistant athletic director. The lack of stress on him has made a visible difference. I smile, glad he seems to be happy. “What do you do now?”

  “My main goal is to figure out ways to achieve academic success for the university. My area seems to be mostly focused on fundraising at the corporate level for research purposes. I will have to meet with corporate sponsorships at their corporate offices occasionally, but I’ll be on campus the majority of the time.”

  “That sounds interesting,” I respond.

  “It’s only my first day so I have a lot to learn, but I think it’ll be a good fit for us.”

  Us.

  During our marriage, his career choices have been driven by him, not us. Hearing him factor me into the equation makes me not only happy, but thankful too.

  Once we’re done eating, he wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He stands up and walks over to a side table I have next to the front door. “When I was walking by your car, I saw this on it.”

  He hands me an envelope with my name written across the front of it. My eyebrows pull in as I open it. When I read what it says, I almost drop it.

  He might have you now, but I’ll have you later.

  I feel the color drain from my face and I can’t pull my eyes away.

  “Charlotte?” I lift my head and look at Nate with wide eyes. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What is that?”

  I shake my head, not wanting to tell him. Not satisfied with my answer, he grabs the paper from me. When he reads it, his head snaps back up to me. “What the hell is this? Who is this from, Charlotte?”

  I open and close my mouth several times as the room begins to close in on me. From feeling like I’m being followed to this, it’s hard to process.

  Nate grabs my hand and searches my face. “Charlotte,” he says softer, “I need to know who this is from.”

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I respond, “Ethan.”

  Realization hits and he says, “The guy from Target?” I nod. “I thought you said nothing was going on with him.”

  “There’s not, but he’s very . . . pushy.”

  “You’re trembling right now. This is more than being pushy. Has he done this before?”

  Shaking my head, I say, “No.”

  “Then what’s going on? I can tell you’re not telling me something, and now I’m worried.”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Like I told you before, we casually dated. I wasn’t ready to jump into something serious, and I wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision to leave you. He was always very intense. Little comments here and there would stand out to me, but I always brushed them off.”

  “Like what?”

  I let out a sigh. “Things like, ‘when we get married,’ or ‘I’ll give you lots of babies.’” My voice lowers on the last one because it’s a tough subject for the both of us, one we rehashed two days ago in the back of his truck.

  His eyes widen in surprise, but then narrow in anger. “What would you say to him?”

  “When he brought up marriage, I told him I needed him to back off. I wanted to be single and figure my issues out. I offered to remain friends so I could slowly ease him out of my life completely. I thought everything was fine, but then he followed me to Target.” I look down, picking at the napkin in my lap as I remember his parting words to me.

  “Did something happen at Target?” he asks, reading me so easily.

  “When you left I was upset he lied about our relationship. He was playing games, and I told him I wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be friends anymore. I said I was done.” I pause as the fear from that moment crawls up my body again. Nate squeezes my hand tighter, giving me the comfort I need. “He got in my face and told me I was done when he said I was done.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” he bellows. “Why am I just now hearing about this?”

  “I didn’t want to make it a big deal if it was an empty threat, especially since he doesn’t work with me anymore.”

  He blinks several times. “Wait, he works with you?”

  “Well, he did, but he quit right after our last exchange.”

  “So he knows where you work and lives in the building next door.” I nod, seeing where he’s going with this. He knows where to find me at all times. “I don’t like this at all, Charlotte. You need to call the cops and move.”

  “He hasn’t broken any laws, Nate.”

  “Harassment and making threats are illegal. At the very least, you should call Marcus and find out what your options are. Get a restraining order or something.”

  “Don’t you think that’s excessive?” I ask. I mean, restraining orders are for people who hit their wives and stuff, right? But as I take in Nate’s rigid stance and firm demeanor, I know I’m probably wrong. Still, I’m not sure it’s necessary.

  “Are you listening to yourself? Your face turned completely white, and you were shaking, for God’s sake. You’re scared of him and I’m concerned about your safety. You can’t live here anymore.” His tone leaves little room for argument, but I’m going to try anyway.

  “I have a lease. I can’t just move out.”

  “To hell with your lease. I’ll pay for it.” When I hesitate, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in through his nose. I can tell he’s trying to calm down and keep it together for me. “I’m not trying to rush you, so I’ll sleep in another room if you’re not ready to take that step with me. This isn’t me beating on my chest and taking you back to my cave. This is me protecting you. You saw with Lydia how quickly things can escalate. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you and I could’ve prevented it.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and cups my face, his light blue eyes pleading with me.

  Honestly, it’s not moving back in with Nate that has me apprehensive. It’s Ethan. What if he finds out where we live and tries to hurt Nate? I don’t want to bring his crazy with us, but as I study the hard set of Nate’s jaw and the determination in his eyes, I know saying no isn’t an option.

  “Okay.”

  He lets out a breath in a rush as if he was holding it while waiting on my answer. “I’ll call some movers tomorrow and work on getting you out of here this week. Until then, pack a bag and grab Choco’s stuff. You’re staying with me tonight.”

  I clean up and do as requested before I’m following him to the house in my car. Pulling into the driveway, Nate meets me at my door and grabs my things for me. It sounds silly, but I’m a little nervous. Instead of easing back into our relationship, it’s like we’re jumping in feet first now.

  “I’ll take the guest room,” he tells me as we walk in. His concern for my comfort is appreciated and something I wasn’t afforded by Ethan. It’s nice to feel like my boundaries are respected.

  “That’s not necessary.” He turns around and looks at me. “I want you to sleep with me,” I admit. And I do. While this might not be the pace we were anticipating, it doesn’t change the fact that I want him next to me.

  “Are you sure? I know you said you wanted to take it slow, a
nd I know moving back in a week later is kind of fast.”

  I approach him and wrap my arms around his waist as I look up at him. “I appreciate how thoughtful you are, but I promise you I’m okay with this. In fact, I can’t stop thinking about this past weekend and all the time we spent together in the back of your truck.”

  “I left a lasting impression, huh?” He raises his eyebrows suggestively with a devious smirk, causing me to roll my eyes and stifle a laugh.

  “Anyway, what I’m saying is I don’t want either of us to overthink things anymore. Let’s just do what feels right and stop worrying about self-imposed timelines.”

  “I was simply following your lead. I’ve wanted you back here with me since the second you walked out.” Sadness crosses his face for a brief moment before it transforms just as quickly. I stand up on my toes to reach his lips. It doesn’t take long for him to deepen the kiss. It’s as if he’s trying to reacquaint himself as he explores every inch.

  He walks me backward until my back hits the wall. Our hands roam all over each other until he stops at my thigh and hikes my leg up to his hip. His arousal presses against my lower stomach as we pull each other closer. It’s hard to tell where he ends and I begin as we ravish one another with our lips.

  A sound that can only be described as a growl vibrates in the back of his throat. Resting his forehead against mine, he says, “I’m going to carry your bags upstairs before I take you up against this wall.”

  In a sudden movement, he leaves me standing there alone and wanting. The only thing going through my head is that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

  GOD, IT’S SO hot in here, I think as I rouse from sleep. Opening my eyes, I realize it’s because my whole body is entwined with Nate’s. My head is on his chest, his arm is wrapped around me, and our legs are crossed together. I must’ve rolled over onto him while I was sleeping because this is not how I was when I passed out.

  It was a little awkward at first to share our bed together again. I’m not sure why, considering we slept together in the back of his truck. The realization it would be different didn’t hit me until he crawled into bed. It was as if I’d never slept beside a man before. I was nervous and anxious and afraid to move.