Risk and Reward

by Rachael Duncan

  Fall has officially arrived giving way to bright reds, warm oranges, and livable temperatures outside. Humidity is nonexistent, and my hair and skin couldn’t be more thankful. It’s my favorite time of the year, and though I’m not outdoorsy, I do love being out when it’s like this.

  “You ready?” Nate asks. Glancing over my shoulder, I see he’s carrying a cooler in one hand and a blanket in another.

  “Where are we going?” I ask as I get up and head to the front door with him.

  “A little place a guy at work was telling me about. I thought we could have a picnic.”

  I beam at my husband as I stand up on my toes and give him a kiss. As our relationship rebuilds, I’m reminded of the many reasons why I married him to begin with. He’s caring, generous, loving, and affectionate. I had just forgotten that for a little while.

  The drive to wherever we’re going is spent talking, laughing, and singing. Well, I’m singing and Nate is laughing.

  “Say hello to my little lo-o-ver,” I sing. He starts chuckling and I glare at him. “What?”

  “You know that’s not how it goes, right?” His eyes are still on the road, but I can see the humor dancing across his face.

  “Huh?” I ask.

  “That’s not how the song goes.” I run the words back through my head, and it sounds right to me. “What’s the title of the song, Charlotte?”

  “Say Hello To Your New . . .” I trail off, realizing my error. He starts laughing and I glare at him. “Shut it,” I joke.

  “You do that all the time.” He shakes his head, a smile still on his face.

  I shrug. “Oh well, you know I make it up as I go.”

  It takes about forty-five minutes to get to where our picnic will be, and it was worth the drive. He parks in an empty parking lot that faces what should be a picture on a postcard. An open field is lined with vibrant trees showing their beauty before winter strips them of it. The grass is no longer green, but softly rolls down into a valley.

  “It’s just a little ways up there,” Nate tells me as he points up a hill once we get out of the car.

  I grab the blanket from him to free one of his hands so I can hold it. He laces his fingers with mine and leads the way, stopping up beside a lone tree in the field on top of a hill. From this vantage point, it feels like we can see the world. Lower mountains lie ahead of us as the sun makes its descent toward them.

  “Wow, this is beautiful.”

  He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and leans in close. Before his lips touch mine, he says, “Yes, you are.” I smile shyly up at him as he closes the distance between us. With his hand around the back of my neck, he kisses me in a way that makes me feel cherished and worshiped. It’s not raw and hurried, but slow and sensual as he tenderly caresses my lips.

  “Let’s eat,” he says softly once he pulls away.

  He spreads the blanket out before we sit down on it. Opening the cooler, he pulls out several containers of food he prepared.

  “When did you do all of this?” I ask after I open a container full of sandwich skewers with turkey, cheese cubes, lettuce, and cherry tomatoes.

  “I got up early and did everything while you were still sleeping.”

  “Thank you, that was really sweet.”

  He tries to shrug off my appreciation, like what he did isn’t a big deal, but it is to me.

  The days are shorter now, so it’s not long before the sun starts to set off in the distance. A perfect orange glow meets the shadows of the mountains below, and I wish I could freeze this moment.

  “Smile for me, my love.”

  Glancing up, Nate has his phone pointed at me, taking a picture. I’m sure I’m making all sorts of weird faces as I attempt to block his shot. “Here, how about we take one together?” he suggests.

  Turning around so the view is to our backs, he holds the phone out and I snuggle close to his side to fit into the frame. Our faces are dark with our source of light behind us, but I think it’s perfect. Because Nate isn’t looking at the camera, he’s looking at me. And there’s not a doubt in my mind as I study the content expression on his face that this man loves me.

  And I love him.

  The sun has long set when we pull up to the house. Even though I didn’t exert much energy today, I’m exhausted. I yawn as I make my way up to the front door.

  “Tired?” Nate asks.

  “Yeah, it just hit me all of a sudden.”

  “How about I draw up a hot bath for you and when you get out, I’ll rub your feet.” I groan, the thought of relaxation sounds incredible. He lets out a deep chuckle. “I’ll take that as a yes. I’ll get everything set up for you,” Nate says, kissing me on the cheek.

  “Man, I could get used to all this pampering,” I reply.

  He smirks. “I’ll bet you could.” His sarcastic retort makes me laugh.

  When we walk in, Choco jumps up and down next to me. I know it’s a combination of being excited I’m home and having to go out to use the bathroom. “How’s my buddy?” Bending down to pet him, he jumps up and licks my face in response. “I missed you too. Want to go outside?” He runs to the back door and looks back at me. When I open it, he runs out. I’m about to slide the door closed when something catches my eye.

  On the porch is a white box with black ribbon tied around it. Curious, I walk out and pick it up before coming back inside and setting it on the kitchen island. There’s no tag, and it’s not addressed to anyone. A bad feeling ticks up my spine as I pull the ends of the ribbon to untie the bow on top. Lifting the top off, my heart stops as I look down into it.

  A baby rattle with a note tied around it sits on a stack of pictures. My eyes don’t hone in on the photographs because the note captures all of my attention. I pick it up, read it, and instantly become sick to my stomach.

  I can’t wait to hold our baby.

  That isn’t Nate’s handwriting, and there’s only one other person it could be. With trembling hands, I pick up the pictures and flip through them. As I stare at each one, shock and fear consume me and I drop to my knees.

  There are so many pictures of me. Some while I’m at the store, others while I’m sitting at home. But what has me in a state of panic are the ones of Nate and me making love. In one, he has me on the kitchen counter, my back arched with his head between my legs. Another of us in our bedroom as I straddle Nate, his face buried in my breasts. Picture after picture of us in our most intimate moments.

  The more I look at these, the more I realize they’re all taken from the back side of the house through the windows. Our backyard runs up against woods, so there’s no one behind us. Therefore, our blinds are open a lot.

  It’s like a car wreck and I can’t look away. Morbid curiosity keeps me flipping through them with the need to know when and where he was watching me.

  The level of violation I feel is equal to the night Ethan put his fingers in me. He was looking into my home uninvited and taking pictures of us in the most vulnerable and intimate ways. If I thought all of those were bad, the last picture has me covering my mouth to hide my sob.

  I’m in a parking lot, staring down at an object in my hands with the widest smile on my face. It doesn’t take long for me to know that was the day I found out I was pregnant, holding my ultrasound photo. He’s been following me everywhere, and I’ve had no clue.

  “Bath is re—what’s wrong?” Nate asks on alert the moment he sees me.

  I can’t speak as I push the box of horrors in his direction. His eyes widen before they fill with fire. “Marcus said they couldn’t find him and the motherfucker has been following you this whole time!” His voice booms off the walls and I can feel the fury radiating off of him.

  He snatches his phone off the counter before tapping it a few times. “Hey, Marcus. We’ve got a problem over here.” His tone is tight, and I know he’s trying to reign in his anger, but he’s not successful as he talks through clenched teeth. “That fucker has been following her. He left a box full of shit w
hile we were out this afternoon.” He pauses and then says, “Okay, bye.”

  “Marcus is on his way over,” he tells me.

  Tears are running down my face and I can’t stop shaking. Nate sits down on the floor with me and wraps me in his arms. “It’s going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear, Charlotte. You’re safe with me.”

  I want nothing more than to believe him, but Ethan is closing in on me and I feel helpless. How did I not notice him? If he’s able to get this close to me, it makes me wonder what else he’s capable of and how far he’ll go.

  Marcus knocks on our door about ten minutes later with Lydia in tow. She wraps me up in a hug as soon as she walks in, causing a new wave of tears to fall from my eyes.

  “You’re okay,” she whispers to me.

  “For now.” The words are barely audible around the lump in my throat.

  She pulls back and stares at me hard. “Marcus told me about your apartment on the way over here. They’ll find him, Charlotte. You can’t think like that, do you hear me?” Pressing my lips together, I nod.

  To say it’s humiliating to have them look at these pictures would be an understatement. It’s another layer of modesty stripped away from me, exposing me in ways I shouldn’t be. Another way Ethan is tormenting me.

  Nate paces like a caged animal while Lydia rubs my back. He tries to hide his fear behind his anger, but I see through it. It’s in the worry lines that highlight the concern in his eyes. It’s in the way I catch him looking at me like he doesn’t know what to do or where to go from here. He’s terrified for me and completely helpless to stop whatever Ethan has planned.

  “I just called you yesterday, and you said there were no updates,” Nate fumes. I didn’t know he talked to Marcus, but it would make sense that he’d want the newest information.

  “There aren’t. The guy literally disappeared, but we’re thinking we’re on to something. We just want to confirm the accuracy before passing it along to you,” Marcus explains. “Plus, these pictures don’t prove Ethan took them.” My face pales more if it’s possible. The idea he has someone else watching me has me swallowing down the bile rising in my throat. I’ve never felt this level of fear before in my life. Not only for me, but for our unborn baby as well.

  “Where do we go from here? What do you suggest we do?” Nate asks.

  I stand up and walk to the back door not wanting to hear any more of this. I realize it’s important and I should be listening, but I’ve had enough for one day. Choco runs back in since I never shut the door. I slide it closed behind him. Like always, he picks up on my shift in mood and nudges my leg with his head.

  Sitting down on the floor next to him, I lean my head against his and scratch behind his ears. He stares into my eyes with the kindest expression and I know he gets it. He can’t fix it, but he’s here for me to find comfort in, and right now, that’s all I need.

  “You’re going to be a big brother soon. You’ve got to protect your little brother or sister when they get here, okay?” He cocks his head to the side, his cluelessness cracking the sadness on my face. “You’re a good boy. I know you’ll be there.” His tail thumps against the hardwood floor and I praise and pet him.

  I feel stupid for having a false sense of security. Not having heard from Ethan in a while, I let my guard down and thought he went away. I couldn’t have been more wrong. But other than locking myself in a panic room, I’m not sure how to keep him from getting to me when he’s already gotten so close.

  I HAVEN’T LEFT the house in three days. With Ethan following me, I’m scared to. I make sure all the doors and windows are locked and the blinds and curtains are drawn. It’s almost become an obsession as I check them multiple times throughout the day. Before, I refused to let him win by looking over my shoulder every minute. Now, it’s worse because instead of looking over my shoulder, I won’t even leave the confines of my home. I’d consider this a win for Ethan if I thought that was his end game. I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish, but my gut tells me it’s more sinister than taking pictures of me wherever I go.

  The doorbell startles me, even though I know who’s here. Looking through the peephole just to be sure, I then open the door to welcome Lydia in.

  “Hey.” I smile, trying to hide my unease and nervousness. Nate’s at work and every creak or weird noise has me on alert.

  She gives me a one-armed hug with her other arm hooked through the carrier Ella sits in. “Hey, how are you?” she asks.

  “I’ve been better.” I move to the side to allow her in before closing the door behind her.

  She faces me with a sad smile. “I know. Marcus says the guys are working hard on it, so hopefully we’ll hear something soon.” A detective is handling the case since it was a little outside of Marcus’s department. Because he’s our friend though, he’s been kept updated and is the first person we contact with questions or information.

  “Anyways,” I say, changing the subject. “Let me have that sweet baby.” I hold my arms out as she sets the carrier down and unbuckles her.

  “Thank you so much for watching her for me on such short notice. Marcus’s parents are out of town and the babysitter is sick, and I can’t cancel my meeting with this huge client I have. You’re a lifesaver.”

  “I’m here any time you need me.” She passes Ella to me and my heart melts as she stares at me with her big green eyes. “She looks more and more like you the older she gets,” I comment.

  “I know. She’s my mini-me.”

  I make cooing noises, which causes Ella to giggle. It is the most innocent and genuine sound I’ve ever heard. If you hear a baby giggle and don’t smile, you have no soul. “You’re going to be a great mom,” Lydia says.

  I beam with her compliment. We hadn’t planned to tell everyone I was pregnant until after the first trimester, but it was hard to keep it a secret when Marcus asked about the baby rattle Ethan left. I ended up telling the rest of the girls the next day. They were over the moon excited for us, and it brought light to the darkness hiding in the corners of my life. Instead of stressing about Ethan and what he was doing, I focused on the happy part of my life: the baby and Nate.

  Aside from Nate, the best reaction came from my parents. I called them the same day I told our friends. My mom’s excitement and joy on the other line was everything when I finally uttered the words I had longed to: We’re pregnant. She screamed jumping around as she yelled the news to my dad in the other room. Soon, we were both overcome by happy tears as we celebrated a moment I never thought I’d have.

  “Let me run out and get the rest of her stuff,” Lydia says, pulling me from my thoughts. She returns with a Pack-n-Play, some toys, and another diaper bag.

  “Dang, is she moving in?” I joke.

  She laughs. “You just wait and see. I left you a note of her routine just so you know how much to feed her and when. Otherwise, have fun and I’ll be back at around two.”

  “Take your time,” I tell her as I bounce Ella up and down, making funny faces at her.

  Once Lydia leaves, I bring Ella into the living room. I moved the coffee table so she’d have more space to roll around.

  Lydia hit the jackpot. Ella is the calmest baby I’ve ever seen. She’s always happy, and even as she approaches nap time and rubs her little eyes, she still doesn’t get fussy. “Are you going to be good to me like Ella?” I ask my stomach. “Want to know a secret?” I whisper. “I’ll love you even if you turn into a little monster.”

  Ella lets out a little sigh as she yawns, and I know she’s ready to go down. “Come on, sweet girl. Let’s lay you down.”

  I set the Pack-n-Play up in the guest room so I can hear her if she needs something. I place her in the bottom and gently rub the top of her head. It only takes a couple minutes for her eyes to get heavy and her breaths to become slow and steady. I watch her for a few minutes, imagining doing the same thing to my own baby soon.

  I head downstairs and shoot Lydia a quick text i
n case she’s worried.

  Me: Ella is doing good and currently napping.

  Her text comes a few minutes later.

  Lydia: That’s great. My meeting just wrapped up. I’m going to work on some design boards for a couple of hours then come get her.

  Me: No rush. She’s been an angel.

  Sitting on the couch in silence, I take a deep breath and let the calm wash over me. Today with Ella has been just what I needed. Her chubby cheeks, bright smile, big eyes, and sweet giggle have brought me out of my funk. For the first time in three days, I haven’t spent every waking moment wondering where Ethan is or what he’ll do. My sole focus was on her, helping me forget if only for half a day. I’m grateful for the reprieve and hope I can have more days like this in the future.

  My stomach growls, signaling it’s time to eat. I get up and set about making myself a sandwich. Choco follows me into the kitchen, hoping for some scraps. When he realizes he’s not getting anything, he walks to the back door and stares outside with his ears perked up. A moment later he starts to whine.

  “You need to go out, buddy?” I walk to the door and slide it open. “Go ahead.” He runs out and I close the door behind him.

  Walking back to the counter, I finish making my lunch before I sit down at the island and eat. I finish my sandwich and Choco still hasn’t come back to the door.

  “Come on, buddy,” I call out to him after I slide the door open again. He doesn’t run toward me like usual. In fact, it’s completely silent out here.

  I take a step out onto the back deck and look around. “Let’s come inside,” I try again, but still nothing.

  I hurry down the four steps to the backyard wondering if someone left the gate open. When I confirm it’s closed, I spin around and look around again. There aren’t many places he can hide, so I go to the other side of the deck to see if he’s there.