by Sarah Swan
“Over here,” Rob said, still smiling. He motioned to a door at the end of the hall. When I got there, he had already inserted the key into the lock and opened the door.
It was a small, circular room, with a metal ladder hanging down from the middle of the ceiling. There were no windows anywhere, and only the light from the hallway illuminated the space.
“I hope you’re not scared of the dark,” he said playfully.
“Actually, I—” It was too late. Rob closed the door, shrouding us in complete darkness. Unpleasant memories of the void came back, and more recent ones of the dirty tunnel with Liz rose in my mind. I felt my heartbeat quicken. I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was trapped again, stuck inside a locked chest with no escape. My breathing grew ragged. I tried to will it to even out. But, my body wouldn’t listen.
I heard the shuffle of movement beside me – Rob. I stepped toward him, but ended up hitting my head against the hanging ladder. I cursed and rubbed my forehead.
“Careful!” he said. “Just stay still for a second.” I felt him step around me, and heard him pull himself up the rungs. There came a creak, followed by a scratching noise, and then light flooded down from the ceiling. Beautiful, precious light. I looked up, and saw that he had pushed open a hatch in the ceiling.
“Need a hand?” he asked, nodding to the ladder.
“I can manage,” I said, ignoring his offer. ”Thanks.” I gripped the cold metal rungs, which were somewhat slippery, and climbed up.
“So,” he said when I reached him, “what do you think?”
I looked around. The space above was maybe three times the size of the room below. The walls were made of glass, surrounding us like a capsule, and stretched to meet overhead in a fine point. The sun shone brightly in the distance, casting its light right onto us. When I stood up, I could see the island in all directions. I could see the water in the distance, and the great pines of the forest on the other side, some of which loomed high over us. I could see all the buildings of the main yard. It looked tiny from where we were. I could see everybody in the courtyard down below. The students looked like ants marching along the path to and from the dorms.
“It’s wonderful,” I said. There were two couches arranged in an L-shape off to one side, and a rug spread out between them. Unlike the hallway underneath, the entire room was clean.
“It helps me get a perspective on things sometimes,” Rob told me, taking a seat on the sofa, “to be able to look over the whole island like that.”
“I can imagine. Do you bring a lot of people up here?”
“You’d be the first,” he smiled. I felt my heart flutter a little. I was sure Rob had a hundred different girls madly in love with him. Yet, for some reason, he had chosen me. I came over and sat down on the other couch.
“So tell me,” he said. “What’s going on?” He leaned forward like he was actually interested. Maybe he was? I felt so betrayed by Liz earlier today that I had started to suspect the worst of everyone. Perhaps Rob was different? The way he sat there, giving me enough space to be comfortable, was very considerate. And he wasn’t blindly coming onto me. Had I hoped he would? a sly voice asked.
“Where do I begin?” I started.
“Let me guess,” he interjected. “It’s Liz and the others. Right?”
I let out a small surprised gasp. “How did you know?”
“Come on Tracy, I’m not that dumb. I’ve known the girls since we all got here two years ago. I know what they’re like.”
“Wait, you came here only two years ago? Then what are you doing in the senior dorm?”
“I skipped a grade,” he said, disinterestedly. He must have seen the surprise on my face, because he laughed. “What? I don’t seem like the studious type to you?”
“No, I— I mean, maybe… maybe your appearance threw me off a little.”
“My appearance?” He looked down at himself, stretching his arms out and examining them carefully. With every turn of the wrist, the muscles on his forearm danced, further proving my point. He looked like an athlete, a total jock, and not – in any sense of the word – an intellect. I was now realizing I had him pegged totally wrong. “What about my appearance?” There was an amused glimmer in his eye.
“It’s just…” I stammered. “Never mind.”
He looked at me seriously for a few moments, and then broke out laughing. “You don’t have to tell me. I know exactly what you mean.”
“You do?”
“Sure. You think I don’t realize how everyone else sees me? I’m not blind, either.”
“I didn’t say that…”
“No, no! It’s fine. That’s not what I meant. This isn’t about me, anyway. I didn’t bring you up here to talk about me. Something’s bothering you, Tracy, and it has to do with Liz and all her friends. Right? So tell me. What did they do to you?”
“It’s… probably nothing,” I said. My mind worked fast. Could I tell Rob about the crystals? But then I remembered my oath. Would I be able to tell him, even if I wanted to? I felt no allegiance to Liz anymore, so I didn’t have any moral qualms about breaking my promise to her – not after what she did to me! But, I had sworn to secrecy on the crystal after all. And before, just thinking about breaking my oath had left me faint and light-headed. Then again, what was the worst that could happen? I decided to give it a try. “I—”
I felt a sudden flash of heat. It came from my belly, and swept out over the rest of my body. My breath caught. It came and went, came and went, and then disappeared. Like a warning. Because of the oath? I decided to try again.
“What happened is—”
Again the flash of heat. But, this time it came with a tightening of the skin, like I was being shrink-wrapped. I tried to speak, but my voice wouldn’t work. It was definitely because of the oath. And there was no way I could fight it. It was as if the promise had embedded itself onto me through the crystal. Breaking it would be like tearing out a part of myself. It was impossible.
“Yes?” Rob prodded gently. “What is it?”
“It’s— nothing.” Try as I would, I couldn’t work past the constraints of the oath. I couldn’t tell Rob anything. I felt hopeless again – and more lost than before.
“Come on,” he coaxed. “Something’s going on. I can see it on your face. You want to tell me. You can trust me, Tracy. I won’t share your secrets.”
“You’re right. I want to. I just… can’t.”
“All right. Fine. I won’t push you.” He leaned back slightly. “But my guess about it having to do with Liz and the girls was right, wasn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Some of them can be pretty overwhelming at times,” he said slowly, as if testing the boundaries of what I would tell him. “I can talk to them, if you want me to.”
“No!”
He looked shocked. “I was just saying…”
“I mean, I don’t want you to,” I said, more gently this time. “It’s something I have to do on my own.”
“If you say so,” he replied. But he didn’t look convinced.
“Trust me,” I said, in what I hoped could be taken as a reassuring tone. “I can deal with them if I have to.” Secretly, I hoped to avoid dealing with them altogether.
“But there’s something more, isn’t there?” Rob asked. “Something else on your mind? Not to do with them? At least, maybe not directly?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “But I… I can’t tell you about it either.”
“It’s always good to have someone to talk to about things.”
“I know, and I wish I could. I just… can’t.” I really did wish I could. If it wasn’t for that blasted oath, things would be so much easier.
“All right,” he agreed. “I won’t press you.” He tilted his head toward me. “So then, what can you talk about?”
“I don’t know,” I replied softly. Whatever I did want to talk about, I couldn’t. Everything that was important to me was locked up behind the seal of the oath. I wa
nted to tell Rob about everything, to pour my heart out to him, but I just couldn’t. I wished desperately there was some way to change that.
Then I realized something. Even though I couldn’t talk directly about Liz and the crystals, what if Rob were the one to reach a conclusion himself? Could I guide him there, without activating the restrictions of the oath? Perhaps I could bypass them that way?
“I can’t help if you don’t tell me anything, Tracy.”
“I know,” I answered. After a moment’s pause, I decided to give it a try. “What if,” I started obliquely, “there was somebody you knew… who you thought you could trust… but then, they turned out not to be the person you thought them to be after all?”
Rob leaned in toward me, a knowing gaze on his face. “Well, I would have to change my opinion of such a person, in that case.”
“But, what if that wasn’t possible? What if you knew, deep down, that you were bound to them, no matter how much you didn’t want it? No matter what you did, no matter how much you wanted to, you… couldn’t… force yourself to get away?”
“That’s some heavy stuff,” he exhaled. “Well, in that case, I think the best thing for you to do, first, is to realize you don’t have to face it on your own.” He smiled. “There will always be people around who can help. And… if you were stuck with a person like that, you would have to be more careful around them. At least you would now be aware of their… deficiencies. And you could adjust how you treated them, what you share with them, and what you don’t. At least this way, you have the advantage of knowing you can’t trust the person anymore. That’s better than if you continued thinking you could, and then find that trust betrayed.”
I was impressed. That was actually some pretty good advice. “That’s a good perspective on things.”
He shrugged. “I do okay, sometimes.”
“What if there was a danger involved,” I said slowly, testing the boundaries of the oath. “One that you couldn’t quite place, but that you were certain was there anyway. What if you didn’t actually know the scope of the danger—because it was hidden? But you’re sure it’s there, lurking in the background.”
“What type of danger are we talking about?” he said seriously.
“It’s—” I felt the tightening around my body again, preventing me from speaking directly about it. “I – I can’t say,” I staggered.
“Tracy, if there’s something serious going on, you shouldn’t hide it. I can help.”
I smiled to show him I appreciated what he said. Really, I did. And it was amazingly frustrating to be unable to speak clearly. Why had I taken that oath in the first place? I was sure now, thinking back, that I could have gotten away without swearing on the crystal. I never would have done it if I had known what it meant. It was a trap set up by Liz, and I had jumped in headfirst.
“I believe you, but…” I grimaced, “…I just can’t say.”
Rob considered me for a moment. “Well, you’re not in any danger right now, are you?”
“Like right at this moment?”
“Yeah.”
“No, of course not.”
“Then you have time to figure it all out.” He smiled. “Nobody can disturb us up here.”
I thought about that, and realized it was true. We were alone in the observatory, just the two of us. Rob had the only key to the room, and it was somewhere in his jacket pocket. From here, we overlooked the entire island, but nobody could see us. Even the forest off to one side, with its thick evergreens and mysterious trails, didn’t seem so menacing. I only wished we weren’t sitting on two separate couches.
As if he had read my mind, Rob slid beside me. He slipped his arm around my shoulder, and gently pulled me into him. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. Tiny, and safe. Nobody could disturb us here. I leaned closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
We sat like that, together, in complete silence. I could hear Rob’s calm breathing as he looked out toward the water. I peeked up at his face. His eyes were focused intensely ahead, but even from the side I could tell how beautiful they were. His lips were pressed together gently, so tantalizing. I wondered absently what they would taste like.
He must have caught me looking, because he turned his head slowly toward me. Our eyes met. For a moment, I thought we were going to kiss. But instead of tilting his mouth toward me, as I had hoped, he gave me the cutest smile. It was strange thinking of Rob – hard, impervious Rob – as cute. But that was what that smile did.
“I know you can’t say what’s bugging you,” he said softly, stroking my hair, “but if you ever change your mind, I’ll be there for you.”
“Thank you,” I murmured into his side. He smiled again, and turned his attention back to the view. We sat like that for a long time, each lost in our own thoughts. I treasured every second. It was good to just be held.
“Tracy?” he said after an indeterminable amount of time had passed.
“Mhmm?”
He looked down at me. “There’s one more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Some advice I just thought of.” He started stroking my hair again.
“Yes?”
“Sometimes, you just have to learn to trust your feelings.” Without warning, he swept his head down and kissed me.
It was a kiss unlike any I’ve ever had before. It was an explosion of pure, unbridled passion. His lips were hot against mine, his tongue eloquently dexterous. It was intoxicating, it was impassioned; it was everything I was missing in my life. All the stress I kept bundled up burst out of me like a flood. I leaned into him for more. We shared, for a long, perfect moment, nothing less than pure instinctual chemistry.
Chapter Twenty-Four – Twists in the Pattern
“Wow,” I breathed as he pulled away.
“Not bad, huh?” he joked.
“I’d say.” I wanted to grip his head between my hands and pull him back for more. I wanted to feel his tongue racing through my mouth again. I wanted to experience the passion of his lips, the ecstasy of his embrace. But – I had to contain myself. Still, I couldn’t help it when a little giggle escaped.
“Just trust your feelings,” he repeated with a smile.
“Now what happens?” I asked.
“That’s up to you. I’d never push you into anything.”
“I should probably go back to my room,” I said hesitantly.
“Sure,” Rob nodded. “I can walk you.”
“I’d like that.”
***
“So? What progress do you have to report?”
His father leered down at him from the mighty leather chair. It stood raised on a dais at the far end of the massive room. There was a large, oak table in front, also elevated. The other furnishings in the room all served to amplify the prominence of those two pieces.
The boy looked down at his feet. His father was a powerful man, more so than anybody here even suspected. Only he knew the truth of it. He did not like to disappoint. In fact, he had spent his whole life trying to please father. No matter how hard he tried, it always seemed his efforts were in vain. His father was never satisfied, even with his greatest achievements. Any mention of failure only brought a flurry of vexations and screaming.
“Come now, son. Tell me what you have achieved these past few days.”
He glanced up at his father. In that massive chair, he looked like a king. It was his natural position in the world. The boy yearned to stand beside him. He would do everything he could to help his father attain the penultimate prize. His father stared down at him, eyes as hard as death. Those eyes could see through every lie, through every tiny fib he had ever considered. No! As hard as it would be, now was not the time to deceive. He would have to face the truth of his current failure, and endure his father’s wrath for it.
“Nothing, father.” His voice was barely a whisper, a wisp of a breath escaping from his lips.
“What was that, son? Speak up. I didn’t quite hear you.�
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He gnashed his teeth nervously. He knew full well his father had heard, and was only goading him to make the moment last longer. His father sometimes took perverse pleasure in his failures, it seemed.
He drew a deep breath, and spoke again. “I have achieved nothing, father.”
“NOTHING!” his father screamed. The boy cowered where he stood. His father was a proud man. Failure was not something he took lightly. “You are a worm, boy! Anybody worthy of the honor I can bestow upon them would have gotten everything done by now! You are slime, unworthy of carrying the family name! How is it that you have achieved nothing, when I have given you all the tools to succeed? Such incompetence is not something I will take lightly!”
“I know, father.”
“You know? You KNOW?” There was the scream again. It took all he had in him not to cover his ears. “You know nothing, boy, for if you did, you would be as motivated as I am to see this through. Do you not realize how much is at stake for you, for us?”
“I know what is at stake, father.”
“Oh? So you claim.” His father sneered. “So you claim, and yet you come before me exhibiting such stark incompetence that I begin to wonder if letting you in on this was the proper move. Perhaps it is time for me to go at it alone. I cannot tolerate such failure, boy! We do not have the flexibility right now to fail. This is the most critical moment. And if you cannot do what has been assigned to you…” his father shrugged those powerful shoulders, “…then perhaps you are not needed anymore.”
“No, father,” he begged. “I have proven my worth before, have I not? Please. Please! I know I can do what you ask of me. Just give me more time.”
“Time is not on our side, boy. How many chances will you need, to do what is required? Anybody worth the honor would not have failed the first time.”
I have not failed, he wanted to say, but he could not stand up to father. The best thing to do, the only thing to do, was cower and beg. And pray the violent mood swing would pass. “I have proven my worth before, father, and I will do so again.”
