Here With Me

by Alla Kar

  “What’s the matter with you?” Heather asks from her desk.

  I shrug.

  Heather shuts her laptop and sits across from me on my bed. Her hair is in a sloppy bun, her eyes wide and fingers intertwined. “Are you falling for Aiden?”

  I give her a puh-lease look. “No, I just—I feel bad for him. I don’t want to put that in his drink. I don’t want to lead him on anymore. I just want to stop.”

  Heather presses her lips together. “Laney, he is a manipulator. He is making you think he is good. It’s what they do.” I’m pretty sure she really thinks this but I’m surer that this has something to do with Bethany telling Todd that I coached her through their relationship.

  I know this. I know exactly how boys think, and I know when they’re playing me. I shake my head. “No, you didn’t see his face. He was so gentle. I—I know it’s hard to believe. But, he’s been hurt. I don’t know the story, but you heard his roommate. He does it to cover up his pain. I—I don’t want to do this to him. But I know Bethany will tell everyone, including Todd if I don’t. And to be honest I don’t want to hurt him anymore.”

  Heather sighs and comes to sit beside me. “If you don’t do it, it’s going to make him feel worse than having diarrhea.”

  I try not to laugh. “Gross.”

  She shrugs. “Just do it, then break it off next Monday. Then he won’t know you played him and you can go on with your life.”

  God. Vomit is rising in my throat when Bethany bursts into our room. She scans over us and frowns. “You’re backing out aren’t you? What happened? You promised, Laney—”

  I hold my hand up for her to shut the hell up. “Bethany, this is the last prank. I’m breaking up with him Monday. He’s already lured in enough. And you have to promise that you won’t tell anyone about this, including Todd. You promised.”

  She twists her lips and nods. “Sure. And he seems like he is really starting to like you. It would probably be better this way.”

  For you. Sighing, I stand up and grab my wallet and keys. “I’m going to go wait outside for him. I need some fresh air.”

  I don’t feel a release until I’m out of the dorm and into the cool air. Taking a huge breath, I take a seat on the concrete steps in front of our building. I keep telling myself that it’s just a few more days but I still feel like crap. I hear the slight hum of Aiden’s Beemer and then he pulls up in front of me.

  He rolls down the window. “You ready?”

  I nod, grab my things, and get into the car. Ready as I’ll ever be.

  ***

  My head is sweating. Jeez. Aiden is talking about something, but I’m too busy wiping at the back of my neck to pay attention.

  “Laney.”

  “Huh?”

  “We were just saying how beautiful the wedding was.” He gestures toward Savannah, who is standing there in her wedding dress. I hadn’t even realized she was there, let alone talking.

  I lean in and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Oh, yes, it was beautiful and so are you.”

  She smiles and grabs Aiden’s arm. “Mom wants a picture of us. Do you mind, Laney?”

  “Not at all,” I mumble.

  Aiden puts his drink down on the table behind us and kisses my cheek. “I’ll be back really soon. Keep an eye on this for me.”

  Smiling weakly, I give him a lame thumbs up. He disappears behind a set of double doors. My fingers wrap around the bottle of Ex-lax in my blue jean jacket pocket. God, I don’t want to do this.

  No one is paying attention to me. Grabbing his drink, I screw my eyes shut and pour a small amount into his drink.

  That will definitely do it.

  “What are you doing?”

  Shit. I swing around and look up at Lachlan. His dark eyebrow is raised, his mouth pressed into a tight line. I fumble with my jacket pocket, making sure the bottle is shoved down into the depth of it.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, keeping my eyes glued to the floor.

  Lachlan grunts. “What did you put in his drink?”

  What in the hell? I glare up at him. “None of your business. Leave me alone, Lachlan.”

  He chuckles, the sound making my stomach tighten. “Leave you alone? That’s not what you said in Dr. Phillips’ classroom.”

  Arrogant arsehole. Flipping him the bird, I turn my back on him. I can’t look at him now. He saw what I did. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t.

  “Dance with me?” he whispers, his lips an inch away from my ear. “Please, luv.”

  No. I don’t need to dance with him. Last time I almost lost myself in him. That’s not possible now. I’m here with Aiden. Whether or not I’m pouring Ex-lax into his cup. “No.” Why is he asking me anyway; isn’t he here with that brunette bimbo?

  “Come on. One dance, and I’ll leave you alone. But, we both know you don’t want me to do that, luv.”

  “Go dance with your date.”

  A calloused hand wraps around my elbow and I’m turned toward him. He looks down at me through shaded eyes. “I want you to dance with me, not her.”

  Warmth spreads in-between my thighs. My damn hormones betraying me once again. “Lachlan—”

  “Hush,” he says, before wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me out to the middle of the reception floor. A few more couples are dancing and a few fathers and daughters are dancing.

  When we get to the center, Lachlan turns me toward him. One hand wraps around my own and the other one is on my hip.

  He smiles down at me. “See, I won’t bite, babe. Unless, you want me to.”

  Heat swarms my cheeks, but I look over his shoulder to keep from blushing harder. “So, I see you’re back with Aiden.”

  “What’s it to you?” I snap back.

  His grip tightens on my waist and he pulls me closer. “You know good and damn well what it matters to me. It never stopped mattering.”

  The wall around my heart threatens to crumble but I push back that feeling and keep my chin up. “Well, I see you brought your date. What’s her name? Whore?”

  Lachlan’s eyes widen but he laughs out loud. “Wow, I didn’t realize you cared that much, Lane. If it bothers you, I’m sure I can ditch her.”

  I bite my bottom lip and sigh.

  “So, are you going to tell me the real reason you’re dating him? Obviously it’s not because you’re into him. You wouldn’t have kissed me otherwise. You’re not that type of girl, Lane.”

  “You don’t know what type of girl I am anymore, Lachlan.”

  “I know you’re still the girl I loved in high school. You’re still the girl that I gave my all to. Remember our first kiss?” he whispers. “You were so nervous. I snuck us into the chemistry lab.” He laughs but it’s humorless. “I wanted you so bloody bad, luv. I didn’t want to pull my lips away from yours. I wanted to devour you. Make you mine, forever. Your lips felt so soft, your breath minty from your gum.” His hand grips tighter around my waist, and my panties are soaking wet now. “Goddamn, I want you back, Lane. Please, let’s just forget what happened. We both made mistakes. I’m willing to forget about them if you are.”

  My heart is fluttering. How did this conversation take this drastic of a turn? We were just talking about his date and now we’re back to us. Back to the old us. The old damaged me.

  “No, Lachlan. No. I just can’t. Every time I look at you, all I see is…” I trail off, turning my head to keep the tears at bay. “Please. Just don’t.”

  He growls and pulls me so close every inch of us is touching. “Laney. I’m so sick of this bullshit game. I fucking love you. I always have. Please, let’s just start over.”

  Tears are building in my eyes. Jesus, I can’t believe this is happening. I refuse to cry in front of the entire wedding reception. “No, don’t you dare cry.” I try to pull away but he drags me back to him. “Tell me why you’re dating Aiden. Is it because you like him? Or are you trying to make me jealous? Because, luv, it’s fucking working. What did you put in his dri
nk?”

  “It’s none of your business!”

  Lachlan growls and presses his lips against mine. In front of everyone. Jesus. It takes my entire being to push him away. I shake my head and start toward the door.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Lachlan grabs me by the waist and pulls me to him, his green eyes dark and hungry. “Don’t you dare run away. I’m so fucking sick of you running. Grow a pair and talk to me. Talk to me about it! I’m hurting just as much as you are. I can help you.”

  “No, you can’t!” I’m yelling now, my voice cracking from the lump growing in my throat. “Nothing can take back what I did. What you did. Now, please let go.” I snatch my arm away, giving me enough time to break through the double doors. I race down the hallway toward the Exit doors when I’m grabbed from behind and pulled through the closest door.

  Lachlan gently shoves me into the room and I glance around when the light comes on. We’re in a small office. A desk, a small loveseat, and a few potted plants and file cabinets are positioned around the room.

  His fists are closed tightly at his sides. His shirt is tight against his upper chest, and fits all the way down to his waist. I don’t move. I can’t seem to take my eyes off of him. I want to move forward, to taste him. To know him again.

  His eyes dart toward my lips. God, I want him to kiss me again. “Are you going to talk to me?”

  Slowly, I shake my head. I’m not ready. I can barely live with myself now. Talking to him about that will only make it worse. Make the memories, make the pain, come back to torment me.

  “Have it your way.” He takes two steps toward me, wraps an arm around my waist, and pulls me toward him. “I’ll just have to show you what you’ve been missing, luv. Hold on tight.”

  Before I know what he’s doing, he leans down and takes my lips with his. My self-control must have been left in my dorm room, because I can’t help but kiss him back. His mouth molds to mind, marking his territory. He doesn’t know, but it was never anyone else’s. Always him. Always. He breaks his mouth from mine, trailing his lips down my neck. “I want all of you this time, Laney. Please, don’t shut me out.”

  His begging is making my heart ache. I never wanted to shut him out. I moan as he brings his lips back up to mine. He groans into my mouth and pushes me toward the small loveseat. “Wider,” he demands. I obey, opening my mouth wider, letting his tongue slid into my mouth.

  I moan, first in outrage from the hormones raking against my insides, then in helpless surrender as he finds my tongue. I remember Heather’s words: he fucked your mouth. And that is exactly what he is doing now. Marking me. Fucking me with his mouth. Christ. I grab his shirt and pull him closer to me.

  A low growl escapes his throat and he spreads my legs wider with his thigh, settling himself between the cradle of my legs. God. I can feel his cock hard against me. My own aching sex is throbbing. I want him so bad it hurts. I’m so hot I grab my dress and pull it over my head, quickly.

  Lachlan is staring down at me, his eyes taking in my body. My lacey bra and panties are tight and leave nothing to the imagination. “Fucking shit,” Lachlan growls, grabbing my hip and squeezing. “I can’t stand the thought of anyone else seeing you like this. Only me. I want it to only be me, luv.”

  I screw my eyes shut. “It’s only you. I haven’t…I mean, Aiden and I haven’t. We haven’t had sex.”

  A brief look of relief washes over his face, and it’s replaced with hunger. “God, you have no idea how excited I am to hear that.”

  Blood is boiling under my cheeks as he stares down at me. His eyes flicker to mine, before he dips his head and traces his tongue against the edge of my bra. I arch my back. The feel of his tongue warms me until I’m scorching underneath.

  “God, baby. Tell me you’ll leave him. Tell me you’re mine.”

  I cry out, not because I’ve always been his but because it hurts so much. It hurts to see him over me. To replay our memories. My eyes are starting to water when I hear a light rap of knuckles against the outside of the door.

  “Christ,” Lachlan says, jumping up. He grabs my dress and points toward the window. “It’s our only choice, luv. Come on.”

  “Not again,” I mumble.

  Lachlan pulls up the window and gestures for me to go first. The doorknob is wiggling again, harder this time. That flimsy door is going to pop open at any minute. This lights a fire under my ass, and I crawl onto the windowsill and shimmy my way through the window.

  I hear a slight chuckle behind me but I’m too worried about the door to give a damn that Lachlan is staring at my ass. I land with a loud ump and straighten myself up. Despite Lachlan’s size, he slips through the window and lands so much more gracefully than me.

  Once he is standing upright, I hear the office door swing opened. Savannah is standing in the doorway, another woman at her side. She searches the room and her eyes land on the window.

  “Shit,” I mumble, running toward the back of the building. Lachlan is right behind me, my dress in his right fist. “Can I have that back?”

  Lachlan’s eyes move from the corner of the building to me, a hunger deep within them. “As soon as you tell me why you’re dating him.”

  Fuck. I don’t have time for this now. “Look, Lachlan. I will tell you whatever you want as long as you give me my dress back. In ten seconds Savannah is going to come around that corner and see me in my underwear and your shirt unbuttoned. I don’t want to deal with that right now. Please, hand it over.”

  Lachlan’s jaw clenches but he hands me my dress. I slip it on and fix my hair. Sighing, I slide against the brick wall.

  “Tell me.”

  Screwing my eyes shut, I shake my head. “It’s not what you think. I just—I’m so confused.” I hold my face in my hands and try not to cry. “This has gotten so out of control.”

  “What’s out of control? Tell me, I can help you.” Lachlan bends his knees, presses his palms on my shoulders, and demands I take my hands from my face. “Tell me, luv. I promise I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

  I want to tell him. I want him to know I never liked Aiden. But, I don’t want him to know that I never liked Aiden. What kind of heartless monster would lead someone on with the goal of breaking his heart?

  I shake my head and stand up straight. “I need to get back in there. I don’t want him coming around here and seeing us.”

  Lachlan’s jaw clenches and he presses me against the wall. “Well, luv, I want a lot of things. But it seems I’m not getting them. Tell me and I’ll let you go.”

  “No,” I press my lips together. “I’m not. I won’t.

  Anger fills Lachlan’s face and he rips his hands away from me. “God,” he yells. “Stop running from me. I’m standing here for you. I want you!”

  My body is quivering. Lachlan’s eyes are wide, his hands out to his sides, his chest hard beneath his half-unbuttoned shirt. How can I walk away from him again? How did I let myself get this far away from reality? Why can’t I forgive myself? I just want a normal relationship. I want Lachlan how we used to be. I want him. But, I don’t deserve him.

  Tears are falling down my face now. I can’t help but let them run their course. Sobs are breaking from my throat and as much as it hurts to cry, it hurts worse to try and stop them.

  “I’m so sorry, Lachlan. I just—I can’t forgive myself. I don’t deserve you.” I know I’m being fucking stupid. But, I can’t make myself fall into him again. I’ll get sucked into him, love him, only to be reminded of my mistakes. Reminded of my selfishness. I can’t.

  A single tear falls from his face, and my heart breaks into a million pieces. I feel them fall into oblivion. “Baby,” he whispers. “Please, you have to forgive yourself. I forgave you right away. Let me show you there is another way to live with this. I will pick up every piece of your heart and put them back together slowly. Give me a chance, please. I’ll take care of you, luv. Always.”

  Christ. A sob breaks from my throat and I try to hold myself up with m
y hands. “Lachlan—”

  “Lachlan? Laney?”

  Savannah is standing at the edge of the building, her brows furrowed. Her hands are intertwined in front of her. She’s changed from her wedding dress into a simple white summer dress. “Um, I was—I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was—” she trails off, looking between the two of us. “Do you two know each other? Why is your…why is your shirt unbuttoned?”

  “Damn it.” I press my lips into a hard straight line and try to catch my breath. “Savannah, I’m going to leave now. Aiden is most likely in the bathroom. I need you—can you tell him I’m going home?”

  She nods and bites her lip. I know she wants to say something, and I don’t blame her. I’m dating her cousin and I’m behind the building with another man.

  Lachlan growls and grabs my elbow. “This isn’t over, luv.” His whispers send chills through me.

  Snatching my arm away, I walk around the reception hall, not looking back.

  My tears finally stop when I’m halfway home. I don’t think I can produce any more. I see Heather’s car pull up beside me. She gives me a pitying glare. “Get in.”

  I don’t ask how she knows I’m walking home, because I know that they saw everything. Well, at least heard it.

  I slide in and cross my ankles. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Heather is quiet for a few seconds, and I wait, watching the building blur into nothing. “You need to end it with Aiden. Then you need to grow a pair and stop running from Lachlan.”

  What. The. Fuck. “What?”

  She gives me a one-shouldered shrug, but doesn’t look me in the eye. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened between the two of you in high school but look around. We’re not in high school anymore. He obviously cares about you, and you’re pushing him away. He loves you. You love him. He is willing to forgive you for whatever monstrosity you think you’ve committed. Let him take care of you, luv.” She gives me a weak smile and then turns the radio up.

  I stare out the window, blank-faced the rest of the way home. I know Heather’s right. I know that I need to forgive myself. But how? I haven’t been able to talk about it since that night. Not to anyone. It’s been four years and I haven’t told a soul.