Mercury Shrugs

by Robert Kroese

  “He’s not going back in time!” Tiamat snarled. “It’s impossible!”

  “Even if you don’t buy the time travel bit,” said Mercury, “you have to realize that Lucifer is going to ditch you as soon as he no longer needs you.”

  “Your concern is touching,” replied Tiamat. “But I can handle Lucifer.”

  “That you can, my dear,” said a familiar voice behind Suzy. She turned to see Lucifer stride into the open area, smiling broadly. He held his right palm open in front of him. It held a glittering azure gem.

  “Is that…?” Tiamat began.

  “The shard of the Eye of Providence,” said Lucifer.

  “Told you,” said Mercury.

  “I have to say,” Lucifer went on, “you guys sure know how to throw a party. There must be three hundred FBI guys and cops outside. I had to cause an explosion on the other side of the building as a diversion just to get back in.”

  “Damn it, Lucifer,” said Tiamat. “We thought the FBI had broken in.”

  “Couldn’t be avoided,” said Lucifer. “But don’t worry; the FBI is still terrified you’re going to execute their agents. I’d say we have a few more hours at least before they storm the building.”

  A groan went up from the floor near the crate, and for a moment Suzy thought they had been mistaken about the other Mercury being dead. But it was only Azrael.

  “Who shot Azrael?” asked Lucifer, regarding the body of the massive demon, who was once again still. He leaned over to pick up Azrael’s rifle.

  “Escape attempt,” said Tiamat, glancing at the still unconscious Special Agent Burton. “We took care of it.”

  Lucifer nodded absently. His eyes alighted for a moment on the boots sticking out from under the tarp, but he made no discernible reaction. Tiamat and Mercury exchanged glances, but neither spoke. Tiamat was still ostensibly allied with Lucifer, but she had evidently decided not to inform him of the warning from the alternate Mercury, so there remained some hope for a crack in their alliance.

  Lucifer turned his eyes to the others assembled. “Where’s Drekavac?” he asked.

  “Perimeter duty,” said Tiamat.

  “I need him here,” said Mercury. “He’s the only one who knows how to modify the portal generator.”

  Balderhaz cleared his throat.

  “Apologies,” said Lucifer. “The only one I can trust to make the necessary modifications.”

  Balderhaz shrugged, evidently satisfied with the correction.

  “I’ll go find Drekavac,” said Tiamat. “Watch these guys while I’m gone.” She turned to leave.

  “But of course,” said Lucifer, leveling his gun at Suzy. Suzy cursed herself for coming out of hiding. Mercury and Eddie would at least have a chance to escape if they didn’t have to worry about her being killed.

  “I’m curious,” Lucifer said once Tiamat had left. “How did you figure out I was going to retrieve the shard?”

  “It was a logical conclusion,” said Balderhaz. “Converting the portal to a time machine would require a high capacity—”

  “He’s just conjecturing, of course,” Mercury interrupted. “We have no reason to think you’re planning on going back in time, erasing the past, and installing yourself as the absolute despot on this plane. We were having a freewheeling spitball brainstorming type session to pass the time and you just happened to walk in during the time travel slash absolute despot portion. Pure coincidence.”

  “Uh huh,” said Lucifer, eyeing Mercury suspiciously. “Well, no matter. As it happens, though, I am planning on going back in time, erasing history, and installing myself as the absolute despot on this plane.”

  “Wow!” exclaimed Mercury, nodding appreciatively. “That’s pure genius. I don’t know where you come up with this stuff.”

  As he spoke, Tiamat returned with Drekavac in tow.

  “There’s the guy!” said Lucifer, clapping his hand on the mystified demon’s back. “So, Drekavac. I need you to convert this portal generator into a time machine.”

  Drekavac stared at Lucifer, dumbfounded.

  “You can do it, right?” Lucifer said. “After all, time is just a different way of looking at space.”

  “Well, sure,” Drekavac said uncertainly. “I mean, theoretically. But you’d need an immense amount of power. The portal would have to be on a nexus of interplanar energy channels and you’d need a battery capable of holding at least a billion Balderhazes. Something like—”

  “Like this?” said Lucifer, holding out the shard to Drekavac.

  “Is that… ubiquium?” asked Drekavac, staring at the shard. “Where on Earth…?”

  “Funny story,” said Lucifer. “I promise to tell you earlier if you get the time machine working.”

  “I don’t know,” said Drekavac. “Time travel. It’s problematic. Causal loops, ethical quandaries, problems of free will… Are you sure you want to mess with that stuff?”

  “Wow,” said Lucifer. “You know, when you put it that way, it gives rise to questions like ‘why are you still talking?’ and ‘have you ever met me?’ Build the fucking time machine or I tear year ears off with a pair of pliers. And then, when your ears grow back? I tear them off again. Are we on the same page?”

  Drekavac, suddenly pale, nodded. He took the shard from Lucifer and walked toward the portal generator.

  “Everything’s coming together,” said Lucifer, with a smile on his face. “I almost regret that in a few hours, none of this will ever have happened.”

  Chapter Twenty

  The next several hours passed without incident. Tiamat had found more zip-ties and re-secured the captives. She guarded them, gun in one hand and the Balderhaz cube in the other, while Lucifer helped Drekavac with the portal modifications. Mercury, Suzy, Eddie and Balderhaz huddled together on the cold concrete, silent except for Balderhaz’s mumbled commentary on the shoddy job Drekavac was doing. From what Suzy could hear, though, his complaints were mostly about the “inelegance” of Drekavac’s engineering, not actual incompetence. Lucifer seemed pleased with the progress Drekavac was making; as the helicopters droned on outside Suzy began to lose hope that the FBI would intervene before Lucifer’s plan came to fruition.

  Tiamat had disposed of the dead Mercury, dragging the corpse off somewhere while Lucifer was distracted. An unspoken agreement seemed to have manifested that no one present would mention the existence of an alternate universe where Lucifer was the unquestioned despot; it was hard to imagine such a warning doing anything but encouraging him.

  Their only hope, Suzy thought, was that Tiamat and Lucifer would turn on each other. It was hardly a remote possibility; the two had been at each other’s throats for most of the past several thousand years and had now formed an alliance out of necessity. Lucifer assured Tiamat that not only would she and all the other demons be going back in time with him but that she would be his second in command, but she seemed unconvinced. Suzy’s impression was that Tiamat was simply biding her time until she could make her move against him. What that move would be, and whether it would be an improvement on Lucifer’s plan, was anyone’s guess.

  Azrael was now conscious, the bullet having worked its way out of the hole in his forehead. He sat in a corner and held his head, occasionally moaning. He’d heal faster outside the radius of the Balderhaz cube’s power, but Lucifer insisted on keeping the big demon close. So Azrael sat and moaned, his angelic biology slowly knitting together damaged brain tissue. Occasionally he would open his eyes long enough to shoot a resentful glare at Lucifer. It was pretty clear Azrael was getting tired of being shot, punched, stabbed, and whatever else had happened to him lately.

  “How far back do you intend to go?” asked Tiamat.

  “All the way,” said Lucifer.

  “You mean…?”

  Lucifer nodded. “To the Epoch.”

  “Is that possible?” asked Tiamat. Lucifer looked to Drekavac, who frowned, regarding the portal generator.

  “It’ll push the shard to its
limits, but I think I can do it,” he said.

  “What’s the Epoch?” Suzy whispered.

  “Beginning of angelic history,” Eddie replied. “The moment when angels, Heaven, and all the other planes came into existence. Around seven thousand years ago.”

  “Take it as far back as you can,” said Lucifer. “I need to assert control while Michelle and the others are still disorganized.”

  “I’ll do what I can,” said Drekavac. “The shard can only hold so much energy.”

  “I realize that,” Lucifer snapped. “Just get as close as you can.”

  Drekavac nodded and went back to work.

  “I thought angels were eternal,” Suzy whispered. “How could they have come into existence at a particular moment in time?”

  “Honestly,” said Eddie, “I’m a little puzzled about it myself.” Mercury and Balderhaz remained silent.

  Suzy frowned. “Weren’t you guys there?”

  “Most angels don’t like to talk about it,” said Mercury.

  “I don’t understand,” said Suzy. “Was there a moment at which you all suddenly came into existence or not?”

  “How would we know?” asked Balderhaz. “Do you remember when you suddenly came into existence?”

  “Don’t be obtuse,” Suzy replied. “I mean, did you…” she trailed off, realizing she had no idea how to finish the sentence. “I guess what I mean is, what are your first memories?”

  “Quiet down over there!” Tiamat snapped. “No plotting!”

  They were quiet for some time. “It’s fuzzy,” Mercury whispered at last. “We all remember the beginning a little differently. Like Eddie said, we don’t like to talk about it.”

  Suzy took this as a hint and dropped the matter. To her, it seemed like kind of an important point to nail down, since history was soon going to be rewritten starting from that moment in time, but it was pretty clear she wasn’t going to get the sort of answers she was hoping for.

  For the next hour, Drekavac worked on the portal generator while helicopters droned on outside. The captives waited in silence. At last, Drekavac announce that he was finished.

  “So,” said Lucifer, looking at the portal generator. “It’s a time machine now?”

  “Yes,” said Drekavac.

  Lucifer regarded the device. “It doesn’t look any different.”

  Drekavac pointed at the aperture on the base of the machine. The long conduit to the battery had been disconnected. In its place was a conduit only about five feet long, which was connected to a plastic box about the size of small microwave oven. Suzy had seen Drekavac put the shard inside the box earlier. “All I did is build a cradle for the shard and connect it in place of the battery. It’s not fancy, but it will work.”

  “No style at all,” muttered Balderhaz.

  “It’s fine,” said Lucifer. “You’ve set it to the Epoch?”

  “With a small margin of error, yes.”

  “And the shard is fully charged?”

  “Yes. Ubiquium is so efficient, it takes less than five minutes for it to soak up a full charge when it’s on a nexus like this one.”

  “Good. Activate the portal generator.”

  Drekavac tapped a few keys and the portal generator began to hum. A white-blue ellipse appeared on the floor.

  “This is it,” said Lucifer, regarding the portal with excitement in his eyes. He turned to Azrael. “Okay, buddy, you’re up.”

  “Uh, what?” asked Azrael, who was still sitting on the floor holding his head.

  “You’re going through first,” said Lucifer.

  “Me?” Azrael groaned. “Why don’t you do it? It’s your evil plan.”

  “Too dangerous,” replied Lucifer. “I need a point man.”

  “You mean a guinea pig.”

  “A very brave and handsome guinea pig.”

  “Why not Pazusu? Or Gorkin? Or any of the other demons? Somebody who didn’t just get shot in the head?”

  “It’s gotta be someone I can trust,” said Lucifer. “Come on, Azrael, you should be honored I chose you. Anyway, all you have to do is go through and scope the place out. Make sure there aren’t, you know, erupting volcanoes or sabretooth tigers waiting for us. Take a look around and come right back here. If everything checks out, the rest of us will go through.”

  Azrael groaned again.

  “Come on, you big wimp,” said Lucifer. “You’ll be fine.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Azrael said, getting slowly to his feet. “You’re not the one who keeps getting shot and stabbed and punched.”

  “Look,” said Lucifer, “just go through the time machine and I promise you’ll never have to do anything like this in the future.”

  “Really?” asked Azrael.

  “Cross my heart,” said Lucifer. “Starting tomorrow, you can take it easy.”

  Azrael thought it over. “All right,” he said at last. “What do I do?”

  “Just go through the portal, have a look around, and come right back.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  “Okay,” said Azrael. He took a step toward the portal.

  “See you in a few minutes,” said Lucifer.

  “Hang on,” said Tiamat. “If the portal is set for a specific point in time, then won’t he return at the same moment he left?”

  Drekavac shook his head. “Temporal slide.”

  “What he means,” said Lucifer, “is that the temporal distance between the two points remains constant, but time continues to move forward at both ends.”

  “Like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” Suzy offered.

  Lucifer, his face suddenly contorted with anger, turned to rebuke Suzy. He opened his mouth and then paused. “Well yes, actually,” he admitted begrudgingly. “Like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” He turned back to Azrael. “Okay, pal. Time to go.”

  Azrael nodded, took a deep breath, and stepped onto the portal. He flickered and winked out of existence.

  “Isn’t it dangerous to leave that thing open?” asked Suzy. “I mean, what if a caveman wandered through?”

  “It’s pretty unlikely there’s anybody immediately on the other side,” said Mercury. “And animals are generally smart enough not to get near mysterious glowing ellipses.”

  “How long do we give him?” asked Tiamat.

  “Five minutes,” said Lucifer. “If he’s not back by then, we’ll figure he’s been torn apart by velociraptors.”

  “And then what?”

  Lucifer shrugged. “Send somebody else through.”

  They didn’t have to wait that long. Less than a minute after he’d left, Azrael re-materialized on the portal. He stumbled forward, looking dazed and disheveled. His face was bloody and bruised, as if he’d been hit in the head with a large rock.

  “Shut it down,” he gasped. “Shut… the portal down.”

  “You know,” said Mercury, “I’m starting to think this portal thing is not such a good idea.”

  Drekavac tapped a series of keys and the portal began to fade.

  “What happened?” Lucifer demanded. “Were you attacked?”

  “Cavemen,” said Azrael. “Attacked me.”

  Lucifer frowned. “You mean actual people living in caves? You know you’re a demon, right? Why didn’t you just slaughter them all?”

  Azrael shook his head slowly. “No time… hit me with rocks.” He sank to the ground, holding his head.

  “You were surprised by prehistoric people with rocks?” said Lucifer. But Azrael simply stared straight ahead, apparently too dazed to respond.

  Lucifer threw up his hands. “I don’t even know why I bother to have minions,” he said. “Drekavac, change the temporal coordinates by a few hours and try it again. This time I’m going through.”

  Drekavac nodded. “A few hours forward or back?” he asked.

  Lucifer regarded him sternly. “I thought you said you had set it as far back as you could.”

  “Right,�
�� said Drekavac. “With a small margin of error, in case—”

  “Damn it,” Lucifer snapped. “I said set it as far back as you can. Did you not hear me say that?”

  “Well, yes,” replied Drekavac. “But I assumed you wouldn’t want to—”

  “As far back as you can, Drekavac,” Lucifer said coldly. “Do you understand?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “How long will it take?”

  “A few minutes?”

  Drekavac nodded and went back to tapping at keys. After a few minutes the blue ellipse once again appeared on the concrete.

  “Is it done?” Lucifer asked.

  “Uh…” said Drekavac, looking at the screen. “No. The coordinates haven’t changed. Sorry, I’m getting more resistance than I expected as I approach the Epoch.”

  “Get it done,” Lucifer snapped. He turned to Tiamat. “Perhaps while we have some time we should discuss our strategy for seizing power over this plane.”

  “Good idea,” said Tiamat. “I think we should start by attempting to recruit as many angels as possible, before Michelle can—”

  Lucifer put his finger to his lips. “Let’s discuss the matter in private.”

  Tiamat shot him a quizzical look but then said, “As you like.” She handed her rifle to the still-dazed Azrael. “Watch them while we’re gone,” she said.

  Azrael nodded dumbly, taking the gun. Tiamat followed Lucifer and the two disappeared from view.

  Drekavac muttered a curse as he regarded the screen. The portal remained open next to him.

  “Close that thing down,” said Azrael. “It freaks me out.”

  “I’m trying!” Drekavac growled. “Whoever wrote this software doesn’t know a damn thing about UI design.”

  “ID-Ten-T error,” Suzy muttered.

  Balderhaz chuckled. “Pebkac,” he said.

  Suzy giggled. Eddie and Mercury looked at each other and shrugged.

  “Can you keep them quiet, Azrael?” Drekavac said. “I’m trying to… Azrael?”

  Azrael had gotten to his feet and started across the open area in the opposite direction Lucifer and Tiamat had gone.

  “Where are you going?” asked Drekavac.

  “Away from here,” said Azrael. “If you were smart, you’d do the same. You’re messing with stuff you don’t understand.”