Mercury Shrugs

by Robert Kroese

  “Well, go ahead,” said Blue Mercury.

  “These people aren’t angels!” cried Green Mercury. “They’re just… people!”

  “They’re what we’ve got,” said Blue Mercury.

  “Maybe the real angels are around here somewhere,” said Red Mercury.

  “I don’t think so,” said Green Mercury. “I just tried to raise Heaven on angel band.”

  “And?” asked Red Mercury.

  Green Mercury shrugged. “Try it yourself.”

  The other two Mercurys and Balderhaz took a moment to concentrate, then regarded each other with frowns on their faces.

  “Nothing,” said Red Mercury.

  “Less than nothing,” said Balderhaz.

  Blue Mercury nodded. “No noise, no signal from other planes. Just… nothing.”

  “It’s like the system hasn’t been set up yet,” said Green Mercury.

  “Yeah,” said Blue Mercury. “Weird.”

  They knew that somebody must have configured the system that allowed angels to communicate telepathically across great distances and even across planes, but they couldn’t remember a time when angel band hadn’t existed. It was just part of the background of the multiverse, something they could always count on. And now it was gone.

  “What happened?” someone said. “Where are we?” They turned to see the blond boy approaching. Several others, evidently still not sure whether the Mercurys were to be feared, worshiped, or both, hung a few steps behind, watching the boy.

  “Thanks to the meddling of one of your idiot members,” said Green Mercury, “you’ve all been transported seven thousand years into the past.”

  “Don’t blame me,” said the boy. “My parents dragged me to that stupid thing. So what’s the deal? Are you guys, like, actual demons? Why are there three of you? My name is Lucas, by the way.”

  “Long story, Lucas,” said Blue Mercury. “We’re not demons. We’re… well, we’re not demons. We’re three different versions of the same person. Alternate universes, you know.”

  “And you all have the same name?”

  “We’re all Mercury,” said Green Mercury. “I’m Green, he’s Blue, he’s Red.”

  “I’m Balderhaz,” said Balderhaz.

  “He’s Balderhaz,” said Green Mercury. “We’ve teamed up to travel back in time to stop Lucifer from rewriting history. And now you and your dumbass friends get to play too.”

  “Whoa,” said Lucas. “Lucifer? Like, the actual Devil?”

  “Yeah,” said Green Mercury. “Don’t get too excited; he’s kind of a douchebag. Where are your parents, Lucas?”

  “Pretty sure they’re still back in Nevada or wherever. I’m fine with it. They’re lame.”

  “Um,” said Red Mercury suddenly. “What’s that?” He was pointing at a bright glint of sunlight in the distance. The four of them stared at it a moment, trying to figure out what sort of prehistoric structure could be reflecting that much light.

  “A building?” asked Blue Mercury.

  “Made of glass?” said Green Mercury. “Nobody had the technology to make sheets of glass in 5,000 B.C.”

  “Well, we’d better check it out,” said Red Mercury. “If the people who built that thing have the technology to make glass panes, maybe they can help us against Lucifer.”

  “We’d better hurry,” said Green Mercury. “Because we’re not the only ones who have noticed it.” He was right: the people gathered around them had begun to turn and stare as well. Whatever it was, it didn’t belong here, and they knew it.

  “All right,” said Blue Mercury. “Let’s go.”

  “I’m coming with you,” said Lucas.

  “No, you’re really not,” said Red Mercury.

  “Hold up,” said Green Mercury. “One of us should stay here and watch these people. They could get eaten by a lion or something.”

  “They’re twenty-first century Americans stuck in 5,000 B.C.,” said Blue Mercury. “They’re all going to get eaten by lions eventually.”

  “I’m not,” said Lucas.

  “Denial is one of the symptoms,” said Green Mercury.

  “Of what?” asked Lucas.

  “Of early onset getting eating by a lion,” replied Blue Mercury.

  “I’ll stay,” said Green Mercury. “You guys check it. Come on, Lucas, help me keep these idiots from getting eaten.”

  Lucas didn’t look thrilled, but he seemed somewhat gratified to be asked for help. He and Green Mercury walked toward the group, most of whose members were now staring at the shining object in the distance. A few had even begun to walk toward it.

  “Okay, everybody, gather round!” yelled Green Mercury. “Let’s do a headcount and see how many of us made it through. You over there, please stay with the group. There will be plenty of time for wandering off and being eaten by lions one you’re all accounted for.”

  The stragglers began returning to the group.

  “What’s happening?” yelled a young woman holding a baby. “What is this place?”

  “I’ll explain everything in due time,” said Green Mercury.

  “Looks like he’s got things handled here,” said Red Mercury. “Let’s go.”

  Blue Mercury and Balderhaz nodded. The three of them set off across the plain toward the mysterious object in the distance.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  It was a massive blue crystal pyramid, at least five stories tall. The Eye of Providence. There was only one like it in the multiverse, and it was supposed to be in Heaven. Red Mercury, Blue Mercury and Balderhaz stood staring at it from about a hundred feet away.

  “So,” said Red Mercury, “why is the Eye of Providence here?”

  “No idea,” said Blue Mercury. “Are those monkeys?”

  Several hunched-over humanoid figures were moving about the base of the pyramid, occasionally stopping to pound on the sides of the pyramid or give one of the other figures a shove.

  “Apes, technically,” said Red Mercury.

  While they watched, a dark, vertically oriented rectangle appeared in the center of the pyramid’s base, rapidly growing larger until it was the size and shape of a doorway. A figure, seemingly human, appeared in the doorway and stepped outside. The door slid shut behind him.

  The figure shook a fist at the simians roughhousing around the pyramid and yelled something in a strange language. The apes barked back at him, standing tall and waving their hands over their heads. The man, not appearing the least bit intimidated, took a few steps toward the apes. It was hard to judge sizes at this distance, but he didn’t appear to be a large man. The apes, now more agitated, moved to surround him.

  “Should we do something?” asked Red Mercury.

  “Let’s see how this plays out,” said Blue Mercury.

  Red Mercury shrugged. Balderhaz, for his part, had lain down on the dirt and gone to sleep.

  One of the apes stepped forward from the circle. He jumped up and down, howled, beat his chest, and bared his teeth at the man. When he was finished, he took a step back. The man stepped forward and did a near perfect imitation of the ape’s war dance, complete with bared teeth. Then he took a step back as well.

  The ape who had challenged the man had some sort of non-verbal exchange with the other apes, then took a step forward again. He bent down and picked something up, then waved it over his head. It looked to be a bone, perhaps a femur.

  The man nodded excitedly and beckoned to the ape. When the ape just stared at him, the man found another bone and picked it up. Then he repeated his war dance again, pounding his chest and growling at the ape. At the end of it, he swung the bone as if bringing it down on someone’s head. The ape, seeming to catch on, howled and ran at the man, drawing the bone back over his shoulder. The man dropped his bone and pointed his finger at the approaching ape. Then there was a flash of light and a loud pop, and the ape was lying on its back on the ground.

  The man made the beckoning gesture once again, to the ape who had been standing next to t
he one who was now prone. The other apes turned and fled, screaming. The man shrugged and stepped back to the spot on the pyramid’s base where the door had appeared. He leaned in and waved his right hand over an area of the pyramid’s surface just to the right of the door. For a moment, some sort of control panel seemed to appear. The man did something at the panel and the door slid open again. He went back inside the pyramid, and the door closed behind him.

  “Well, that was odd,” said Blue Mercury.

  “Indeed,” said Red Mercury. “Come on, Balderhaz. Let’s go.”

  Balderhaz got up from his nap and they walked the rest of the way to the pyramid. There was no sign of a door or any other imperfection in the base of the structure. It appeared to be a solid pyramid made of translucent blue crystal. A few feet from the base lay a dead ape, its charred body still smoking.

  “It’s the Eye of Providence, right?” said Red Mercury. “It has to be.”

  “I never knew the Eye had a door,” said Blue Mercury. “What do you think is inside it?”

  “If I had to guess,” said Red Mercury, “I’d say a guy who kills monkeys with lightning bolts from his fingers. Hey, Balderhaz, did you know the Eye of Providence has a door?”

  Balderhaz shrugged.

  “Should we knock?” asked Red Mercury.

  “I guess?” said Blue Mercury.

  Red Mercury banged his fist on the wall, but very little sound escaped the marble-like surface of the pyramid. After a few seconds, though, the section of the pyramid folded out again, and the man stepped outside, yelling incomprehensibly and shaking his fist. When he saw the two Mercurys and Balderhaz, he stopped with his fist in the air and frowned. “Zhee khaw hawanagatha!” he growled.

  “Um,” said the two Mercurys.

  “Hawna keezhaza na nani,” the man said, and took a step toward Blue Mercury with his hand out.

  “Whoa,” said Blue Mercury, taking a step back.

  “Zhee?” said the man, puzzled. Blue Mercury glanced at the dead ape.

  “Zawkah!” said the man, and burst into laughter. He made a horizontal hand-waving gesture, which seemed to be the equivalent of head-shaking.

  “Better just let him do what he wants to do,” said Red Mercury.

  “What if he zaps me?” said Blue Mercury.

  “Exactly,” said Red Mercury. “Let him do what he wants.”

  Blue Mercury sighed and made what he hoped was a conciliatory gesture toward the man.

  “Kweenah zha na heenaw,” said the man, and took a step toward Blue Mercury again. He held his hand up to Blue Mercury’s chest, just below his left collar bone. “Zheenakwah!’ the man cried after a moment, and pulled his hand away.

  “Look,” said Blue Mercury. “We don’t want any trouble. We just—”

  “You’ve ruined everything!” cried the man. “Do you have any idea how much this project cost?”

  “Uh,” said Red Mercury. “You speak English.”

  “I do now,” said the man. “I tapped into your… er, there’s no word for it in English. Call it your soul. Also picked up this awful drunken bar fight of a language you call English. Good grief, did you know that you people have three different words for snot, each one stolen from a different language? Explain yourself!”

  “Well,” said Blue Mercury, “Snot is straightforward, but a bit crude-sounding for some. Doctors like to use fancy words like mucus because it helps to justify their salaries. As for phlegm, there’s no explaining the Greeks.”

  “I meant explain what you’re doing here,” said the man coldly.

  “Oh!” Blue Mercury exclaimed. “Right. We traveled back in time to stop Lucifer from rewriting history. I’m Mercury, by the way. So is he. There are three of us, actually.”

  “I’m Balderhaz,” said Balderhaz.

  “Also,” said Red Mercury, “We should probably tell you about the thousand or so people back that way a mile or so. You see, we had a bit of a—”

  “I know all of this already,” said the man. “It was in his—” he waved vaguely at Blue Mercury “—soul-thingy.”

  “Then why did you ask what we were doing here?” asked Red Mercury.

  “I didn’t,” said the man. “I demanded that you explain yourself. By what right have you meddled in the Ontological Skein?”

  “The what?” asked Blue Mercury.

  “The fabric of the universe,” said the man. “Clearly you manifested a causal anomaly or you wouldn’t be here. Where is it?”

  The two Mercurys glanced at Balderhaz, who reached into his pocket to produce a small silver disc: the quoin.

  “There it is,” said the man. “The proverbial wrench in the machine. The fly in the ointment. The burr in the saddle. The straw that broke the camel’s back. The monkey in the middle. You know, I’m actually starting to like this language. Now ain’t that a kick in the pants? I’m Zhanakza, by the way. You can call me John. Blazes, it’s hotter than two squirrels fucking in a wool sock out here. Are you gents thirsty? Where are my manners? You may have broken the universe, but that’s no excuse for rudeness. Come inside, please.”

  John stepped toward the pyramid and waved his hand over an area to the right of where the door had appeared. Something like a keypad appeared on the pyramid wall, with three rows of three symbols each. They looked vaguely like Egyptian hieroglyphs. John tapped a series of eight symbols in quick succession and the door slid open. Cool air wafted out from inside. The three angels glanced at each other nervously.

  “Please,” said John. “If I was going to kill you, I’d do it out here with the ape. I mean, I wouldn’t do it with the ape. I’d do it with my finger, out here with the ape. Professor Plum with the candlestick in the library. Such a strange language. Anyway, I just had my floors done. Please, come inside.”

  Blue Mercury reluctantly walked inside, the other two following. John tapped an icon on the wall just inside and the door closed behind them.

  They found themselves in a large marble entryway with walls paneled in cherry wood.

  “What is this place?” said Red Mercury. “I never knew the Eye of Providence had an inside. This is the Eye of Providence, right?”

  “Never heard it called that before running into you gents,” said John. “Its official name is Ontological Outpost 73221. My people have thousands of them set up to document any ontological developments.”

  “Your people?” said Blue Mercury.

  “I use the term loosely,” said John. “We’re a race of sentient beings from what you might call another universe. We exist outside of time and space. You could call us the Eternals.”

  Chapter Forty

  “Wait a minute,” said Blue Mercury. “You’re one of the Eternals? I thought….”

  The two Mercurys glanced at each other.

  “You thought you met some before,” said John. “I read your memories. It’s possible the people you met were manifestations of the Eternals. Reality is a funny thing. Some entities have what you might call echoes, manifesting themselves in different ways in different times. We Eternals try to remain in the background, but inevitably we affect what we observe. Since your reality began with one of our experiments, it’s not inconceivable that the people you met at the dissolution of it were echoes of us. In any case, your memory of reality seventeen thousand years from now is just a phantom of what might have been. I’m going to have to shut down this outpost, so none of what you remember having happened in the future will ever happen. This way, gentlemen.” John walked in front of them, leading them through the entryway. He opened the door and escorted them into a luxurious sitting room furnished with plush leather couches. “Please, have a seat,” John said. “What would you like to drink? I can get you… well, literally anything you can imagine.”

  “I could use a beer,” said the Mercurys together.

  “Chocolate milk, please,” said Balderhaz.

  “Back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” said John, disappearing into another room.

  “What do
you think he meant by that?” asked Blue Mercury. “Not the lamb’s tail thing, I got that. I mean the part about shutting down this outpost?”

  “He’s going to deactivate the Eye somehow,” said Red Mercury.

  “So what happens to us?” asked Blue Mercury. “This planet? I thought the Eye of Providence sustained the whole universe.”

  John walked back into the room, bearing a tray with two icy beer steins, a glass of chocolate milk, and a teacup. “It goes away,” he said. “More precisely, it will never have been. Obliterated. Here you go, gents.” He handed them each their respective beverages, then took the teacup for himself, setting the tray down on a table next to him. Balderhaz guzzled his chocolate milk and the two Mercurys took several swallows from their beers. John took a sip from his tea and continued, “It’s clearly a disaster anyway. I mean, look at you. Two different versions of the same immortal entity traveling back in time to stop another immortal entity from erasing history. Ridiculous. Time travel is bad enough, but meddling with the Ontological Skein? It’s a mess! Why bother with causation at all if this is what you’re going to do with it? How the hell did you all get to be immortal in the first place?”

  “We’re angels,” said Red Mercury.

  John chuckled. “Of course,” he said. “Silly question.” He took another sip of tea.

  The two Mercurys frowned at each other, not sure how to take this.

  “I think,” said Blue Mercury after a moment, “we’re a little unclear on who you are exactly, and what you’re doing here.”

  “Oh,” said John. “Sorry. If you don’t mind retiring to another room, perhaps I can show you. This way, please.” He got to his feet and made his way toward a closed door. The two Mercurys and Balderhaz, still holding their glasses, followed.

  John tapped an icon to the right of the door and the door slid open. The four of them walked into a large room that was dark except for the dim luminescence of the bluish-white floor tiles. In the center of the room, visible only because of the contrast with the floor, was a sort of pedestal, about chest-high, with what appeared to be a glass dome, about the size of a half-basketball, on top. John walked to the pedestal and waved his hand over the globe. Suddenly a brilliant display appeared overhead, a chaotic kaleidoscope of images, some large, some small. Some appeared to show planets or galaxies, others showed jungle scenes or fish swimming in the ocean; others seemed to be graphical representations of data—stacked blocks of varying colors or interlocking blobs reminiscent of a Venn diagram. About a third of the images were completely unidentifiable, ranging from vaguely fractal patterns to things that resembled abstract paintings. The ceiling of the room appeared to be domed, so the display took up most of the area above chest-level, like a small planetarium. Around the base of the dome was a series of several dozen icons resembling those on the entry panel to the Eye.