My Today

by HJ Bellus

  “Lacey, STOP! You don’t have to do this,” Milly shouted and grabbed her by the shoulders.

  Dead silence filled the backyard. Lacey had tears streaming down her face and Cree was pale from Lacey’s brutal admission.

  “I left out the part where you made me fuck you for years to keep your mouth shut. There it’s fucking out! Everyone knows what a piece of trash I am.”

  “You are an ungrateful bitch, Lacey,” Jake spat out as he slapped her face. Lacey didn’t even recoil from the slap. She stood there and took the abuse as if she was born to take it. Hell, she accepted abuse easier than love.

  “You want me to get on my knees and suck your dick right here because I owe you?”

  By this time, Milly had her arms wrapped around Lacey and was trying to hold her back.

  “You were the slut always wanting to suck my dick and anyone else’s that wanted it.”

  I fucking lost it. The shit that was being said was fuel to my temper and I was ready to kill Jake. I had no fucking idea that Lacey had been hurt so badly in her life. She had tried to tell me out on the canoe and I’d just shut her down. It now made perfect sense as to why she didn’t trust men.

  I flew out the back door and bee lined it for him, knocking him down and went to bashing the motherfucker’s face in. Blood and teeth were flying and I didn’t stop. I was going to kill Jake with my bare hands.

  “Don’t. You. Ever. Fucking. Call. Her. A. Slut. Again.” I seethed out in between each blow.

  My fists continued to assaulting his bloody, unrecognizable face.

  “I am going to fucking kill you and enjoy doing so.”

  Cree pulled me off of Jake’s lifeless body, and Sam carried Jake to the car and the sluts followed. I looked over to Lacey who was now curled up into a ball on the ground in Milly’s lap. I went over to them and sat on the ground by Lacey.

  “Lacey. Please look at me. I’m so sorry for all of this. I love you and need you.”

  I grabbed Lacey away from Milly and held her in my lap. She was sobbing hard into my chest causing everything inside me to break, fearing this was the end of us forever. My arms held tight to her thinking this may be the last time I ever had the chance to hold the love of my life. She lifted her head and threw up all over the side of me.

  “Tell me that you still love me and want me,” I begged.

  Her sobs continued and I started to cry out of fear. Her silence was deafening and the answer to my question. She was letting me go and I couldn’t fight for my honor because I didn’t have any.

  “I’m going back to rehab. I need more help and I’m gonna get it for you and for us. But I need to know I have you in my life.”

  She lifted her head to look up at me. Her face was covered in tears, sweat and smeared vomit. Her perfect face was red and swollen. Through it all her beauty broke through. Even in this state, she was the most beautiful person I had ever met.

  “You’re the only man that has ever truly hurt me. The demons in my past didn’t wound me as much as you have. You crushed my world and tore apart the one piece of hope I had left inside of me. I’m nothing and have nothing, and it’s all because of you. I let myself love you.”

  The broken Lacey sitting on my lap got up and walked out of my life forever.

  Lacey

  I drove home in a haze. I went into the kitchen to find a knife. All my tears were gone and I was ready to let go of my pain. Bleed, I needed to bleed today like I did when I was fourteen. It was time for me to bleed and get it over with. I should have burned that day instead of my dad.

  The sharp blade of the knife sliced across one wrist. Blood trickled down to the ground and at last I was set free from my pain. I sliced my other wrist open and watched the blood flow out of my body, along with my hope and future dreams. I crawled into my bed and let the blood flow. My mind started to get foggy, and I wondered how much longer until I saw my mom. “I loved you, Tripp,” escaped from my lips and peace finally washed over my broken soul.

  Chapter 11

  Recover Me

  Tripp

  (Tripp’s Journal Entries)

  April 15th-

  I have been in rehab for a week now. My counselor suggested that I start writing down my feelings in this journal. The fucker wants to know my feelings… I’m in fucking hell and want to die. It fucking sucks this time around because I know that I have lost everything in my life. I feel pain that I didn’t know fucking existed. I hate myself more than I hate my dad.

  Cree dropped me off the night that Lacey left me covered in her puke. No word from her and I don’t expect her to reach out to me. I lost my girl.

  April 18th-

  I received a card today from Annie. She is so funny and excited for me to get home to be her coach. I have to live for that day. Still no word from Lacey. I tried to reach out to my parents, and mom told me that dad was just too busy to talk. I fucking hate my life right now.

  April 21st –

  I started working out in the gym today and it felt great. All the equipment reminded me of Lacey and the time she made me carry her on my back while I ran on the treadmill. The little shit told me I wasn’t working hard enough, so she jumped on my back while I ran for an hour. Then she bitched because her crotch was covered in my sweat. The memories of my wild Princess drive me forward. I finally opened up to my counselor today about my brother and Lacey. They are the two loves of my life and I’ve lost both of them.

  April 23rd-

  Today fucking sucked! During my counseling session, we FaceTimed my father and mother. Dad was a total dick. Shocker, I know! He made it official and disowned me during the conversation, cutting all ties. It was easy for him to throw me away like a piece of trash. Mom sat by him holding his hand. He told the counselor to take him off the contact list and if I was found dead in an alley to list me as having no family. He suggested they burn my body. I understand that I totally fucked up this time and in the past, but weren’t parents supposed to be there for their children? I lost my parents today. Did I really ever have them to begin with?

  April 24th-

  I woke up today in a good mood. I felt lighter than I had in a while knowing that my parents no longer wanted me. Deep down I didn’t want them and I didn’t want to live up to their expectations. I talked to my counselor about getting into the construction business. I have always had a love for building things. My dad always got pissed when I would draft up models, or try to build something, because it didn’t have anything to do with his precious car lot. My counselor set up an appointment with a local construction company. I was going to job shadow my sober coach for the next two weeks of my treatment.

  April 27th-

  Today I worked along the side of my sober coach at a construction site. His name is Daniel and he’s the owner. Daniel is a recovering cocaine addict who has been sober for over 10 years. He is currently building a strip mall in Fort Collins. Working with him is legit. Construction set me free-I could envision something and carry the plan through with my hands. Daniel took me home and introduced me to his family. He has a beautiful home, wife and three children. He’s my saving grace and inspiration.

  April 30th-

  I feel stronger than ever. I still haven’t heard from Lacey. I always ask Cree about her on the phone and he changes the subject. I can take a hint that she doesn’t want me anymore, but I always tell him to tell her I love her. I have written her every day of rehab and sent the letters to Cree’s house. I have been hopeful that she will write me back. She hasn’t. I am not giving up on her or my dreams this time. With the help of my counselor I have let go of my parents, the death of my brother and my vices. Today Daniel took me to the Chamber of Commerce to help me file for my very own business license. It almost killed me to not stop at Lacey’s salon. The “For Sale” sign in the window fucked with my head big time. It looked like nobody had been there for a very long time. I pointed it out to Daniel and he stopped to let me take the time I needed. Fuck! I want my girl back.


  May 2nd-

  Between the gym and working construction I have little time to write. Six days until I go home. I’m scared shitless. I have formed a family here and belong here. There’s a part of me that wants to live here in my safe haven. I know I can’t. I have asked Cree, Milly, and Lacey to come on May 7th for family day. Cree told me that he and Milly will be here. He didn’t mention Lacey’s name. I know that she hates me, but I will die trying to get her back. I’m not giving up this time or giving in to my demons. I will get my Princess back and love her for the rest of my life. I desperately miss seeing her outraged, hissy fits at the mention of Princess.

  May 4th-

  I’m fucking restless with nerves. I just know that Lacey will show up with Cree and Milly. We formed a tight bond over just a couple months. I’ve continued to write her every day to express my love to her. I need her. I need her to be with me.

  May 5th-

  I talked to Cree today. He told me all about Annie’s dance recital. Thank God! I will be home for it. I can’t wait to see that little shit dancing on stage. She was the bright spot in all of our lives. God truly blessed us with her. He knew exactly what we needed. Cree also told me that Mac was in the 100th percentile for weight and was rolling over like crazy. He was a proud papa. I knew one day that I would be a proud daddy too. I just pray that it is Lacey’s baby I was proud of.

  May 6th-

  Tomorrow is the big day! My family, my graduation ceremony, family counseling and then being set free in to the big ol’ world. I can’t wait to see them. Especially Lacey’s smiling face. I need to see my tattooed girl. Lord, I have changed my ways, cried tears over her and can’t wait to be with her. Just like on Christmas as a child, I can’t sleep.

  Chapter 12

  Where’s My Princess?

  Tripp

  Today is the big day. I am leaving here a new man with a business, new-found self-esteem and hopefully my sweet Lacey. I have been pacing in front of the big windows for the last hour, waiting for my family to show up. I couldn’t wait for Daniel and my counselor to meet them.

  I finally spotted Cree’s big dark blue Dodge pull in the parking lot. I rushed out the front doors to scoop ‘em all up and shake the shit out of them. I spotted little Annie first. She darted across the grassy lawn, barreling into my arms. I swallowed her up into a big bear hug and twirled her around. She was wearing the cutest little yellow dress and hat, which I am sure that Milly made for her. She was my own little piece of sunshine today. I kissed her and told her how special she was.

  One thing I realized during rehab is that my mother and father never told me that they loved me or that I was special. I tried my whole life to gain their acceptance, but never did. My Annie would always know how important and special she was. Her little brother, who still shit his pants, would too.

  I looked up from Annie to see Cree and Milly standing there. My eyes instantly shot back to Cree’s truck to see that is sat empty. I didn’t see her. She wasn’t here.

  “Lacey?” I asked.

  “Tripp let’s just focus on you today, Buddy.”

  This was the only reply from both of them. I wanted to break down and cry like a baby on the front lawn of the rehab center. The worst kind of pain struck me and it hit every fiber of my being. I had lost her.

  “Cree, I need her,” I replied, as the tears streamed down my face. I let it out. Cree had no words; he wrapped me up in a bear hug. I could see the look on Milly’s face over Cree’s shoulder, and I didn’t like it. She was crying and covering her mouth with a look of sheer horror dancing in her eyes. They were keeping a secret from me.

  I pulled back from Cree and demanded, “What aren’t you telling me?”

  Milly stepped up and hugged me while Cree took Annie inside. I died inside when I felt Milly’s hands shake in mine. This was bad, very bad.

  “It’s Lacey. I have to tell you something Tripp. She can’t be here today with us. The night she left our house she went home and slit her wrists.”

  Milly

  The Night She Found Lacey

  “Lacey! Lacey! Lacey!” I screamed as I ran up her stairs. I had tried calling her. When she didn’t answer my call, I knew something was wrong. Her door was wide open and I could see the trail of blood that lead from her kitchen to her bedroom.

  “Lacey! Where the fuck are you?”

  I ran to her bedroom and my heart stilled. Lacey was on her bed covered in blood. My hands instantly flew to the cuts. She was cold. I lost it. Screaming and shaking her. With my phone pressed between my ear and shoulder I quickly dialed 911 keeping both of my hands over her wrists.

  “911 State Your Emergency.”

  “I need an ambulance now! 420 Walnut Street. My best friend has slit her wrists. There is fucking blood everywhere. Hurry!”

  “Help is on the way ma’am. Try to stay calm and check for a pulse.”

  “My hands are covering her wrists I don’t want to move them. Her chest is barely rising up and down.”

  “Stay calm. Help is on the way.”

  “God damnit Lacey! You can’t do this. You can’t leave me. You’re my sister, Mac’s godmother and my fucking person. God damnit! You stupid bitch. Fight God Dammit! Fight for me. I love you Lacey.”

  I was pushed off her onto the floor by the paramedics. They took her away. I stayed huddled on the floor of her bedroom covered in her blood crying until Cree found me.

  Present Day at Rehab with Tripp

  I explained all this to Tripp.

  “Where is she, Milly?”

  “She’s alive. She spent over a week in the hospital and then was sent to a high security rehab center. She has since left the hospital and is now in a rehab trying to heal from the inside out. I’ve given her every one of your letters.”

  Tripp instantly crumbled. Falling to his knees and losing all sense of control. I’ve seen pissed off men before, but nothing like this. Deep growls and wild rage escaped him. Two gentlemen ran outside and restrained him guiding him through his meltdown.

  The one man instructed Tripp, “Let it out Tripp. Feel the pain. You have to feel the pain.”

  Tripp picked up his head and roared with horror, “Lacey tried to kill herself because of me! I did more than hurt her.”

  Tripp

  The happiest day of my life quickly turned into the worst. Daniel and my counselor took me into a small room and tried working me through my emotions. When that didn’t work they sedated me and tried again. A fresh new scar permanently imprinted on my fucked up being. Hours later I left rehab. The rest of the day was a blur.

  Chapter 13

  My Scars, My Beauty

  Lacey

  (Lacey’s Journal Entries)

  May 7th-

  Today is the day that Tripp gets to go home. Milly has given me every single one of his letters and updated me on his progress. I’m so proud of him and know that he’s truly a changed man this time. I haven’t been brave enough to respond to any of his letters yet. My life coach, Janie, said it will take time.

  May 11th-

  I talked about my father to my counselor. I let everything out. I told her a sin for a sin wasn’t how I wanted to live the rest of my life. She had me write my father and mother a letter. We went to their graves and I read each one of them. I felt blood dribble down my legs and ooze out of my wrists as I read the letters. I had to keep reminding myself that no one could make me bleed anymore. I had the power to take charge. I also had to continually remind myself that I was worth it.

  May 15th-

  Milly came to visit me today. I fucking love her with my whole being. We have gone through several counseling sessions together to overcome the tragedy of the day she found me bleeding out. She saved my life that night and I owe her everything. Today we completed a ropes obstacle course together. In true character we laughed and had several PMP moments. The obstacle instructor was not impressed. She stayed to have dinner with me and told me that Tripp bought my salon. She also told me that he has start
ed his own construction company and asks about me every day. I told Milly I needed her to stay longer. Surprise! The hooker is lying next to me in my bed while I finish this entry. We plan on a candy buffet in bed and reality TV for the rest of the night. She is currently warming our candy in her boobies. Nothing beats soft taffy! Okay… maybe hot sex. Peace Out, Girl Scouts!!!

  May 20th-

  I finally wrote Tripp a letter. My counselor helped me and reassured me that feeling love for him was okay. I still love the man with my whole heart. I discussed my fears with Janie. I was afraid that two fucked-up people could never ever work. She gave me the best advice ever. She told me that Tripp and I were two broken souls who needed to work together every day to find our happiness, and that if I loved him, not to worry how broken we were. Instead, just be. She encouraged me to write to him and invite him to group counseling. I did.

  May 22nd-

  I am a bundle of happy and shit-ass crazy nerves. Tomorrow is the first day that I will see Tripp since the day we both shattered. I love the man with my whole heart and only hope he can see past all my scars. I still had to tell him about my past.

  May 23rd-

  Okay, I am supposed to be walking out of my room to meet Tripp—right fucking now! But seriously, I just shit and pissed myself at the same time. I have chewed a pack of gum and swear my mouth still tastes like dog shit from nerves. This is the first time I have been scared since I was fourteen. I feel it.

  Lacey

  May 23rd at Rehab

  I finally found the courage deep down in my big girl panties to step out of my room. At the end of the hall I spotted my gentle Beast. His hair had grown out into a beautiful messy masterpiece. His blue jeans hugged his sexy thick legs as he stood there with a huge smile plastered on his face. He was all sorts of sexy in his statuesque pose and new found beaming confidence.

  Shit! I should have dressed up a little to be able to match his beauty. My poor hair was way overgrown and wild with my hot pink highlights fading. I piled it all up on my head with a purple headband holding everything back. I decided on black yoga pants and a white wife beater to display my new ink that was freshly healed on the tops of my shoulders.