Book Read Free

Dumbness is a Dish Best Served Cold (Dear Dumb Diary: Deluxe)

Page 9

by Jim Benton


  now.

  Good luck with that, Grandma.

  I got really excited when I told Dad about the

  bracelet. Sudden bursts of excitement bother Stinker,

  so he bit me a little, which made me try to get him to

  eat the bracelet again, but he wouldn’t do it.

  In the weeks that followed, the food company

  started advertising our Salad Glamorizer, and

  they told us it seemed to be selling well.

  Uncle Dan said that he didn’t think it was a good

  idea to make salads with soda pop, but he admitted

  that

  —

  as a person who works with kids every day

  —

  sometimes you choose the

  little wrong things

  over the big wrong things. The kids were eating

  more salads than ever before, and that was a pretty

  big deal.

  Stinker recovered completely and started

  stealing food from his dogdaughter, Stinkette, again.

  You never really know how much you love

  something until you almost lose it.

  You also never really know how much you wish it

  had stayed lost until you get it back again, but for

  now, I’m glad Stinker is still around.

  My dad helped Angeline’s dad find a job.

  Apparently, he called her dad right after he heard the

  news, and started talking to people he knew, and just

  kept at it until something came up. It’s not like they’re

  close friends or anything, but he did it for Angeline

  —

  and me.

  Now Angeline is her old self again, inflicting

  delight on everyone she sees. We’ve all made some

  progress in our bank accounts, and we owe it all to the

  dumbest idea we ever had: Salad Glamorizer. Even

  though we didn’t exactly have the idea

  —

  it just

  showed up.

  Mr. Henzy could not have been more proud of us.

  We got so much extra credit that Isabella is actually up

  to a low C now.

  He asked us to stay after class one day just so

  he could tell us so.

  “I’m so proud of you,” he said, repeating

  what I wrote up there a second ago. “You young women

  are the next generation of inventors and

  businesspeople.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “Can we go now?” Isabella asked.

  He took a box from his desk and opened it. He

  pulled out a neat little plastic tree and twirled it

  around.

  “You know what this is?” he asked.

  “A back scratcher?” Isabella said. In a way, she

  was right: She scratches her back with everything.

  “It’s your Klever Kebab,” Mr. Henzy

  explained. “I redesigned it a bit and found a partner to

  make a prototype on a 3-D printer. We made it flat,

  so they would be easier to produce and ship. That will

  also cut down on the costs.”

  “Great. Pay us,” Isabella said, showing how

  well she had mastered the whole business-world thing.

  “Of course!” Mr. Henzy said. “In fact, I’d like to

  have these manufactured and pay you girls a royalty,

  like the deal you got for your salad dressing. You’re

  beginning quite an empire.”

  “You’re going to quit teaching?” I asked him,

  optimistic that he could finally escape school.

  “If it became the biggest product in the world,

  sure, I might quit. But things like this take a long time

  to succeed. And remember what I told you: Most of

  them fail. But won’t it be fun to try?”

  He was right. Trying is the fun part. And why

  not let him try? I’d like to help a teacher escape. If he

  managed to get out, other teachers would probably

  write a folk song about me.

  But Angeline had an idea of her own.

  Remember? Angeline Cares About People. She

  really, sincerely wanted to help people with her

  HEALTH- O-PLATES. She wanted to make money,

  too, but helping people is REALLY important to her

  —

  and let’s face it, we’re not helping people much by

  putting soda pop on their salads.

  So we let Angeline have her way.

  Isabella made Mr. Henzy pay us an advance. She

  explained that he could get a business loan from a

  bank, just like he had taught us.

  It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was enough for

  Angeline to start the best- financed club ever at

  Mackerel Middle School. She bought a computer and a

  printer, and talked Mr. Henzy into being the supervisor.

  She called it the Kash Klub, spelled badly in

  honor of the Klever Kebab, and she made it a place

  where kids could get information about making their

  ideas happen. REAL ideas, like dumb plates, and dumb

  salad dressing, and dumb kebabs.

  She was really getting to help people.

  Isabella was not 100% in favor of all this,

  obviously, since it did not meet her requirement of

  benefiting her.

  But Angeline explained that any one of these

  kids could invent the next computer, or electric car, or

  time- travel machine, and since we’d helped them,

  they’d naturally want to pay us back one day.

  “Blackmail,” Isabella said slowly. “I like

  that. I’m in.”

  It wasn’t anything like blackmail, of course,

  but when Isabella is happy, sometimes it’s best to just

  go with it.

  So far, none of the other kids’ ideas look that

  great, but neither did ours when we started. Ideas

  often need a little time to cool off before you can tell

  the good dumb ones from the bad dumb ones. After

  all, dumbness is a dish best served cold.

  So, what was THE BIG WEIRD THING I was

  talking about, Dumb Diary?

  Do you think it was the success we had? Or

  realizing how much Angeline’s happiness meant to

  me? Or Stinker coming back to life? Or Isabella

  passing math?

  Those were weird things, but not the weirdest.

  The Big Weird Thing is us.

  Because I’ve realized that it won’t be long before

  we’re all going to college or starting jobs and becoming

  the sort of creatures that buy houses and boring cars

  and get all excited over new plates.

  It’s going to happen to us. It’s going to happen

  to all of us.

  And if there’s anything ANYWHERE weirder

  than that, Dumb Diary, I’d sure like to know what it is.

  Thanks for listening,

  P.S. The file.

  Angeline’s permanent record.

  Somehow or another, Isabella let it slip that we

  knew about her toilet mints, and Angeline asked if

  we also knew about the fight. We said that we had

  glimpsed the file but didn’t know the details.

  She told us that she went through a chubby

  phase when she was younger, and one day, a young

  Mike Pinsetti called her a mean name and she hit him

  so hard she gave him a bloody nose. This explains why

  Mike has always been a little bit afraid of Angeline.

  She got in a lot of trouble for it, but instead
of

  letting it destroy her, she started reading the

  nutritional labels on packages and learning about

  food. That’s why this cupcake knows so much

  about those cupcakes.

  Can you guess what Mike called her to start this

  whole mess? A Big Weird Thing.

  Whip Up Some Salad Glamorizer!

  Just like Jamie, Angeline, and Isabella, you can

  mix different ingredients to make your own salad

  dressing.

  Try some combinations of the ingredients on the

  next page! (Make sure to avoid anything you’re allergic

  to, and have an adult help, especially if you need to

  use the stove or a knife.)

  •

  Garlic

  •

  Soda pop of your choice

  •

  Ginger

  •

  Vinegar

  •

  Olive oil

  •

  Salt & pepper

  •

  Soy sauce

  •

  Dill

  •

  Honey

  •

  Basil

  •

  Mustard

  •

  Parsley

  •

  Pesto

  •

  Sugar

  •

  Lemon juice

  •

  Parmesan cheese

  •

  Apple juice

  •

  Shallots

  •

  Cilantro

  •

  Mint

  •

  Maple syrup

  Once you find a perfect fit, DON’T tell anyone

  the recipe —just enjoy your glamorous salad!

  Make Your Own Health-O- Plate!

  Okay, so maybe it’s not a million-dollar idea, but

  you can still make your own fabulous Health-O- Plate

  to use at home.

  You’ll need:

  •

  Paper plate

  •

  Non-toxic markers

  1.)

  Draw a line down the center of your plate.

  2.)

  Turn the plate 90 degrees and draw

  another line, this time about 1/3 of the way

  down from the top of the plate. Now you have

  four sections on your plate!

  3.)

  In the two smaller sections, write “Fruit”

  and “Protein.” In the two larger sections, write

  “Vegetables” and “Grains.”

  4.)

  Decorate the outer edge of your plate

  however you like!

  Now be like Dicky Flartsnutt and eat

  everything on your plate!

  Don’t miss where it all started

  —

  Jamie Kelly’s very first diary!

  Be sure to look for

  Turn the page for a peek

  .

  .

  .

  but whatever you do,

  DON’T tell Jamie!

  Wednesday 04

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Today Hudson Rivers (eighth cutest guy in my

  grade) talked to me in the hall. Normally, this

  would have no effect on me at all, since there is still

  a

  chance that Cute Guys One Through Seven might

  actually talk to me one day. But when Hudson said,

  “Hey,” today, I could tell that he was totally in love

  with me, and I felt that I had an obligation to be

  irresistible for his benefit.

  So just as I’m about to say something cool

  back to Hudson (Maybe even something

  REALLY

  cool. We’ll never know for sure now.), Angeline

  comes around the corner with her jillion cute things

  dangling from her backpack, and intentionally

  looks cute

  RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES.

  This scorpion- like behavior on her part made me

  forget what I was going to say, so the only thing

  that came out of my mouth was a gush of air

  without any words in it. Not like this mattered,

  because he was staring at Angeline the same way

  Stinker was staring at the ball a couple days ago.

  It was pretty obvious that all of his love for

  me was squirting out his ears all over the floor

  .

  Ask

  Isabella if you don’t believe me. She was standing

  right there.

  As if that wasn’t vicious enough, get this:

  He says to Angeline: “Wow, is that your Lip

  Smacker I smell? ChocoMint? It’s great.”

  Angeline stops for just a second and

  LOOKS

  RIGHT AT ISABELLA AND ME.

  Then she says

  to Hudson, “Yeah, it is.” And her radiant smile

  freezes him in his tracks.

  Frankly, I think that it is just rude and

  obscene to have teeth white enough to hurt and

  maybe

  PERMANENTLY DAMAGE

  the eyes of

  onlookers.

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Can’t get enough Jamie Kelly?

  Check out all of her

  Dear Dumb Diary books!

  #1: Let’s Pretend This Never

  Happened

  #2: My Pants Are Haunted!

  #5: Can Adults Become

  Human?

  #6: The Problem With Here Is

  That It’s Where I’m From

  #3: Am I the Princess

  or the Frog?

  #4: Never Do Anything,

  Ever

  #9: That’s What Friends

  Aren’t For

  #10: The Worst Things in Life

  Are Also Free

  #7: Never Underestimate

  Your Dumbness

  #8: It’s Not My Fault I Know

  Everything

  YEAR TWO

  #1: School. Hasn’t

  This Gone On Long Enough?

  YEAR TWO #2: The Super-Nice

  Are Super-Annoying

  #11: Okay, So Maybe I Do

  Have Superpowers

  #12: Me! (Just Like You,

  Only Better)

  www.scholastic.com/deardumbdiary

  YEAR TWO #5: You Can

  Bet On That

  YEAR TWO #6: Live Each Day

  to the Dumbest

  YEAR TWO #3: Nobody’s Perfect.

  I’m As Close As It Gets.

  YEAR TWO #4: What I Don’t

  Know Might Hurt Me

  scholastic.com/deardumbdiary

  This is where all the dumbness begins!

  Jamie juggles hair crises, friendship

  auditions, and a super-secret crush on

  the eighth-cutest boy in school.

  Another dumb year of school,

  another dumb year of teachers

  who fail to recognize Jamie’s

  somewhat hidden genius.

  PEEK INSIDE

  THE DIARIES OF

  JAMIE

  KELLY!

  (Everything she writes is true

  or at least as true as it needs to be.)

  About Jim Benton

  Jim Benton is not a middle-school girl, but do not

  hold that against him. He has managed to make a

  living out of being funny, anyway.

  He is the creator of many licensed properties,

  some for big kids, some for little kids, and some

  for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving

  like little kids.

  You may already know his properties: It’s Happy

  Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you already know

  about Dea
r Dumb Diary.

  He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed clothing,

  and written books.

  Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectacular

  wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and they

  especially do not have a vengeful beagle.

  Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or

  you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,

  please, please don’t tell her.

  Jim Benton’s Tales from Mackerel Middle School

  Dumbness is the

  spice of life.

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I admit, I had gotten into the habit of

  bringing cans of soda pop in for lunch.

  (I recently learned that they call it POP

  some places, and SODA other places. I like

  using the full name because it shows how

  much I love it.)

  I knew that soda pop wasn’t the best

  thing for me. But after a lifetime of dealing

  with my mom’s horrible cooking, I’ve

  become an expert on what flavors cancel

  out other horrible flavors. Root beer can

  cure a lot of them, including Cafeteria

  Chicken Taco, which is what they were

  serving that day at lunch.

  www.scholastic.com/deardumbdiary

  Cover art by Jamie Kelly with the help of Jim Benton

  Cover design by Yaffa Jaskoll

  Printed in the U.S.A.

  SCHOLASTIC PRESS

  An Imprint of

 

 

 


‹ Prev