Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  “Are you okay?” he asked, a measure of concern in his voice.

  “I don’t know.” For the first time in a long time, I told the truth.

  Sam, the pretty pixie girl, came around and put her hand in mine. I didn’t shy away as I had before. I held her hand and smiled back at her.

  “It’s okay if you’re scared, Chloe,” she said. “You don’t have to go through this alone. We’re all here for you. And we fiercely protect our own.”

  “From physical and emotional harm,” added Jill. Her fiery hair glowed brightly.

  “Will I need extra protection in Tierra?” I asked. I was such a coward; I wasn’t even embarrassed about it anymore.

  Everyone laughed in unison. “No. Tierra is the safest of all the universes we’ve lived on. The people are, um…different from what you would call ‘normals’,” Jill said. She smiled wide with a mischievous grin, “You’ll see.”

  “You will see,” said Raja. She tossed her long spirals over her shoulder and smiled at me. This was the first time she’d smiled at me and it was a welcome change. Smiling made her even more beautiful than she already was. And less scary.

  “Are you ready to go?” Chris asked. “We’re going to have to concentrate hard to push you through to Tierra since your ability to regenerate hasn’t surfaced yet.” He pulled my face up to meet his eyes. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

  “I guess.” No, I wanna stay here, I wanted to shout. But I didn’t. I knew I had to go.

  Everyone extended their hands to touch me. On the shoulder, on the back, and on my hand – and I didn’t cower. A soft hum erupted in the room.

  The air around us circulated as if someone had placed a fan in our direction. My eyes remained open until an over-illuminated flash obliterated my semi-dark room and nearly blinded me. Every hue of the rainbow was present in that light.

  Not wanting to risk blindness, I shut my eyes. Tight. My head throbbed as if I’d been pummeled over the head with a hammer. My stomach lurched forward, just like when I rode The Cyclone at Coney Island last summer with Matt and Amber. It felt as if I were falling from an extremely high feat. Vomiting seemed the natural response to the queasiness. I wanted to voice my current health concerns but decided to brave it instead.

  It was a first.

  Soon the room ceased its spinning motion and my head throbbed less. I still held Chris tight as my body began to feel normal again. No throbbing head and no vomiting; luckily it subsided quickly. I allowed myself a one-eyed peek and there were no more blinding lights. I turned my head slightly to glance in the opposite direction. A flash of white enveloped everything. My hands flew to shield my face.

  “We’re here, princess.” Chris pried my hands away from my face with a soft chuckle. My eyes remained closed, though. I was too frightened to open them and questioned my sanity in allowing them to take me so far from everything familiar. Chris obviously saw my apprehension and softly kissed my lips.

  Mmm. I instantly relaxed a little.

  “Open your eyes, baby. It’s okay,” he said as he tried to cajole me from my cocoon.

  Cautiously, I opened my eyes and peered around. We were in a room no different than any other room I’d ever seen. The room was bright with natural light that flowed from a large window and three rows of track lights that hung from the ceiling. A large mahogany table, which sat about twenty people, anchored the space I assumed was used as an office. A dry erase board hung on the wall directly in front of it. It seemed safe, so I released Chris from my death grip embrace.

  I stepped around him to spy outside the large bay window. It was at the head of the table and produced an abundance of light. As I walked to the glass, something freakishly large and gray flew at it. I was certain it would collide with the window. Startled, I jumped back, my hand poised to touch the ultra-clear glass. I stumbled and fell rear-first to the soft brown carpet.

  The room exploded with laughter. I looked up, ready to snap someone’s head off. But I didn’t. I sat on the floor and thought about how silly I must have looked and I joined in on the joke at my expense.

  Chris walked over and extended his hand to help me up. “That,” he pointed to the window, “was a taxi. Driving much too close to the building.” He smiled his I’m-a-hunk-and-you’d-better-damn-well-remember-it grin at me.

  “What?” I squinted at the window. “It was in the air…flying?”

  “All vehicles in this universe are airborne. No driving on pavement here...it’s against the law. The pavement is solely for pedestrians,” he said.

  “Okay. I can’t wait to see this.” My nervousness a minute ago was gone and curiosity had taken its place. I headed for the large wooden door in the middle of the wall.

  “Hold up a sec. We have to change our clothes first,” said Jill. She pulled me over to her before I could reach the door.

  “We’ll change out here,” Chris said with a wink in my direction. He and the other guys exited the room through the large door I was about to use.

  “What’s wrong with what I have on?” I asked, confused. I’d purposely worn jeans and a tee. In the event I had to run or hide from someone or something. I was always prepared to run. It was what I knew best.

  “Only the UG’s wear plain clothes. Everyone else sticks to the Tierra National Colored Attire. We don’t need to attract any attention. So we have to change,” Jill said. She pushed me over to Raja.

  “UG’s,” I said, laughing, “What’s that?”

  “You mean, who are they,” said Raja. She handed me a scarlet colored pant set and a scarf in the same hideous color to put on. “They are the rebels. The outlaws, the unlawful of Tierra. And they stick out big time. They fight against the system here. They fight for the freedom to roam the streets at any hour, cause havoc, and do whatever they want. They just want their freedom. We nicknamed them UG’s – it stands for Under Grounders. That is where they live. They refuse to live topside in peaceful co-existence with everyone else.”

  “I thought you said Tierra was the safest of all the universes. They don’t sound too friendly to me.” I glanced at the door again. Why did I let them bring me here?

  “They’re friendly, harmless even. The worst they’ve done is graffiti buildings, circulate their propaganda, and they’ve staged a few break-outs from jail for their people. Nothing serious. They protest in small ways. They just don’t think everyone should run around acting like clones of each other,” Sam said. She arched a brow at me and grinned.

  “Oh, well that makes sense,” I said. “Wait a minute are we the UG’s? Are you tricking me or something?” I looked at the hideous outfit I was forced to wear. No way an entire planet of people would have to wear such atrociously colored clothing. The fashion police would have to work double-time here.

  “Nope. We leave that drama to other people. We’d talked about coming back here. You know, after we defeated the ENO to help out the UG’s. They’re completely disorganized,” Sam said. She scrunched her brow at me and came to assist my nervous hands with the large scarf. The final piece to an awful ensemble.

  I looked at her as she helped me. We bore a striking resemblance to one another that I hadn’t recognized before. We had the same olive skin, long jet-black hair, and oval face – we could be sisters. I smiled. A sister wouldn’t be bad – it’d be an improvement over Matt.

  “What’s so funny?” asked Sam.

  “Has anyone ever told us that we look alike? I mean we could be sisters.”

  “We practically are…were. We were best friends.” She looked at the scarf again and avoided my seeking glare. “Our mothers are best friends.” Again, said without looking up. I swallowed hard. I’d never thought about how my inability to recall my past lives also affected others. I’d only been consumed with how I felt. I bit down hard on my lip to stop the swell of emotion that suddenly flooded me. What the hell? Where had that come from?

  “Our mothers are best friends.” How strange I didn’t think my mother had any friends
. “Chris never told me that. I wonder why?”

  “We thought it best not to reintegrate you too quickly,” Chris said.

  I looked over at Chris and the other guys as they marched in the room. I spun my head around to glare at him. “How do you know what we were talking about?”

  “I can hear everyone’s thoughts, remember? I don’t have to be in the room to do it.” He laughed and shook his head. “Anyway, we didn’t want you to hate us. That’s why we didn’t say anything. No one wants to hear their life has been a lie.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, everyone looked at him. Their eyes were wide, like they were surprised. Then they looked at me. I scrunched my brow in confusion.

  “Has it been?” I asked. “Or are you telling me it has been. I’m not entirely sure yet what to believe. Who to believe. How much of this could be true…?”

  “You don’t believe us,” Sam said. Her eyes clouded and I knew I’d said the wrong thing. “How could you think that we’d lie to you…about any part of this?”

  “I’m sorry, Sam. I’m trying to believe everything I see and that’s told to me. But I feel like Alice. I’ve been dropped down the rabbit hole and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.” I took in a gulp of air. “Or at least make sense of everything, but none of this makes sense to me.”

  “I understand,” Sam said. But her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She didn’t truly understand. She moved away from me to stand next to Joseph. I noticed how much she needed him, especially when I did something that upset her. I stared after her, guilt twisted away at my stomach. I released a sigh to calm myself.

  It didn’t work.

  “Okay, so what now?” I said. I put on the last piece of the outfit, a pair of black flats Jill handed me. Also hideous in their own right. But they were comfortable.

  Chris walked over and stood in front of me. “Nothing left but to do it. You ready, princess?” He smiled at me with his ridiculously sumptuous grin. My heart beat fast, then slow. It didn’t know what to do around him either.

  He was the reason I was here. I would’ve followed that smile anywhere. This whole thing was transpiring because of my weird obsession with him and not because I truly believed I was Amanda. I wasn’t sure about her yet. I smiled up at him. He stood in front of me and held me with his get-lost-in-me eyes.

  “Weird obsession, huh?” he said. A sheepish grin plastered on his face.

  “Dang it! I forgot you could do that.” I smiled sideways. “Could you make all of that out?”

  “No.” He laughed a deep throaty laugh. “Only bits and pieces. But I got enough to understand what you were thinking. I’ve been doing this for years.”

  “Stop it.” I ordered him sternly.

  “I can’t. You belong to me, baby. We belong to each other and soon you’ll be able to hear my thoughts, too.” He leaned in close, so close his chocolate and mint breath made me dizzy. “I do think it’s best for you not to hear my thoughts yet, though.” He pulled me even closer. My stomach flipped and a zing of excitement pulsed through me. He whispered into my ear, “Wouldn’t want to frighten you with the depths of my love.”

  My eyes blinked shut and a warmth I’d never felt penetrated my body. I pulled back to see his face. “You don’t love me,” I corrected. “You love Amanda and right now I’m not her. But I am Chloe Carmichael and when I feel you’ve fallen in love with her, maybe I can allow you entry.” I smiled at my own wit. I was never usually able to produce a comeback that quick. Kudos to me.

  He tilted his head and scrunched his brows. “Entry.”

  “To my heart,” I said. With a smile from ear to ear, I lifted my head high to see his eyes.

  He laughed his throaty laugh again. “Silly princess. I have your heart, whether you know it or not.” His chocolate and mint breath fogged my senses again as he leaned in closer. His lips nearly touching my own. “That’s how I can lead you to another universe with me.” He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to mine. I felt as if I w suspended in midair. Electric currents of pleasure escaped from every surface of my body. My breath quickened and my fist knotted into his hair. I lost myself in his sweet kiss.

  “We have to go,” Chris said. He pulled back and smiled at me.

  Still entwined in his arms, I smiled crookedly. I’d tried to forget the real reason we were here. Of course I couldn’t. I swallowed hard.

  Considering how annoying my Earth mother was, I wondered if my Tierra mother would be the same. I could barely stand the one I had. To find out there was another one was like getting home from a day of shopping to discover the boots you purchased had two left feet and you couldn’t return them. It just wasn’t fair.

  When we exited the conference room, no one looked up in surprise at us. It was as if they knew us and expected to see us.

  Chris walked over and spoke to an elderly man who’d emerged from an office nearby. Chris must have asked him a logistics question because he pointed straight as they talked. Chris shook the man’s hand, signaling the end of the conversation and walked back to us.

  “Time to go.” He reached down and straightened my blouse. Then he looked up and met my gaze. “Stay by my side and don’t speak – to anyone.” His face was stony. Serious.

  My heart skipped.

  Everyone walked toward a large neon-red exit sign located a couple feet down the hall. Once we reached it, they all stopped and studied my face. Of course this made me feel self-conscience. Did they think I wouldn’t know how to conduct myself? What did they think I was, a five-year-old?

  “It’s different here. You can’t show too much emotion. They might think you’re a UG. The people here have little to no real emotion. It’ll be evident that you’re an imposter if you move too quick or loud.” What? I raised my brow – confused.

  “Nerve sensors and drugs implanted at birth are supposed to alleviate crime,” Chris explained to my unspoken question. “Try to mimic what you see us do. Got it?”

  My months of lying to my family and friends had prepared me for this. I was a great actress now. “Yes, of course,” I said. Raja was the first out the door. I tried to peek over the others to catch a glimpse of what we would be exiting to but was unable.

  When it was my turn to step through the door, Chris held it open only a fraction for me to go through. I placed my foot out the door.

  And then, I entered the twilight zone.

  Large metal and white objects flew by at breakneck speeds. Swishing off and zooming around like large birds taking flight.

  “Cars,” Chris said softly beside me. “Move it.” Bossy!

  Flying cars whizzed by in every direction my eyes moved. Landing and taking flight with only inches to spare before hitting one another. They didn’t land on anything either. They hovered about an inch from the ground. Wow!

  “How can they ride so close together like that without hitting one another?” I whispered to Chris.

  “Because people aren’t driving them. Their automated. You plug in your coordinates. They have a sphere of protection around them. So if they did collide, it wouldn’t be catastrophic,” he said. He pulled me along, my mouth hanging open, drool ready to slap the ground. We walked down a pedestrian-lined sidewalk.

  Consumed with the flying cars, I barely noticed the people walking beside us. I checked out the couple in front of us, then behind us. I realized why the UG’s would want to be distinguished from everyone else. No distinction was made between male or female. Or child or adult for that matter. Everyone wore the same hideous outfit in the same color and in the same manner. How odd more people didn’t protest the attire. The only thing that could be construed as emotion was the manner in which the women clung to the men. Or maybe I should say the men held them. Instead of the warm and fuzzy feeling I got when I saw Joseph and Sam holding hands, there was a subservient feel to the way the men of Tierra held to their mates. Like a claim of ownership and not love.

  I peered up at the buildings as we passed them. They towered above us,
so high I was unable see the tops. They seemed to crest the clouds. “Oh my gosh, that building must be as tall as the Burj Khalifa in Dubai.” I looked at the building across from where we walked and it was just as tall. One building stood out from the others. It was gargantuan like the others, but was in the shape of a giant pickle. The building was all glass and concrete with Victorian architectural details. This is so freakin’ awesome!

  “Yes, Chloe. They are all enormous,” said Raja. She had a hint of irritation in her voice that I recognized even though she walked in front of us. “Stop drawing attention to yourself.”

  “But how can they… I mean they’re all so big…how can they…?”

  She sighed loudly. “The intelligence on this universe greatly surpasses any of the other universes. They’re smarter. So they do everything better.”

  “We’re going to ride the subway,” Chris announced. “It’s much like the system on Earth, but each destination is reached in two minutes or less because of hover technology.”

  Like a giant graceful ladybird ready to take flight, the subway station loomed before us. It had wings. The wings spanned 50 feet and its cottony white exterior stretched out and appeared ready to soar atop the humongous stony buildings surrounding it. Chris led us down the steep steps that would take us to the subway platform. I noticed that everything here was also encased in a cocoon of white.

  “Chloe.” A strange voice called from above our heads. Startled, I looked up.

  A haggard woman with disheveled hair stared back. Her makeup was smeared and looked as if she’d put it on in the dark. When I looked at her, she gasped.

  “Chloe! I knew it was you. Chloe,” she screamed after me again. Her old, wrinkled face brightened and her eyes bulged. She pointed a long shaky finger and smiled, revealing a set of perfectly white teeth. I stopped, stared, and thought how out of place her smile was compared with the rest of her.