Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  “You look great, CC,” Emily said. She rose from the bed to straighten my belt, and then sat back down to assess me more.

  “Speaking of looking great, I have a surprise for the two of you.” I feel like I’m about to take the SATs.

  “A surprise for us?” they said in unison. How did they do that? Was someone back there pulling a string?

  “Yes. I saw the perfect dresses for the two of you the other day when I was out shopping with my mother. They were absolutely gorgeous and I couldn’t pass on them. I didn’t want some other girls to end up with them so…I bought them. Well, I bought three of them, one for each of us.” They looked at one another, then at me with curious expressions. I held my hands up for them to wait before they protested. “I know that normally we wouldn’t wear the same dress, but these dresses are gorgeous. Everyone’ll be talking for weeks about how good we looked in them. Trust me. I’d never pick out something hideous for us to wear.” I raced to my closet but didn’t go in right away. “I picked out a different color for each of us, you know, so we wouldn’t look exactly the same,” I added. I gave them the thumbs-up signal…with both hands. What the hell did I do that for?

  Melissa and Emily hadn’t said anything yet. They just stared blankly at me. I ran into the closet, grabbed the dresses, and stalked back out.

  “They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?” I yelled. I pushed the dresses at them.

  “O-M-G, CC, they are,” said Emily. “I can’t believe you lucked out on these.”

  “Can I have the orange one? It’s beautiful,” Melissa said. She reached up and ran her hands along the ruffled front of the dress. My heart swelled. I did it.

  My door swung open then and Matt entered. Without knocking. “What the hell are those,” he said. He pointed to the dresses and frowned. His eyes ran the length of the dresses, then he shook his head and laughed.

  He’s going to ruin my experiment, I thought, panicked. My nostrils flared and I was ready to attack.

  “Get out of my room and mind your own freakin’ business, monkey boy,” I shouted. He nodded a hello to Melissa and Emily but otherwise didn’t move, as if I’d said nothing. Finally, he turned to leave, still frowning and shaking his head

  “Wait,” I said. What are you doing, Carmichael? Don’t get cocky. I grabbed him when he was about to walk out the door. “This dress is beautiful...look at it again, from the front.” I yanked him around to face me. “Amber would love to wear this dress. I know she would.”

  He walked over and studied the dress. He frowned, looked at Emily and Melissa with a lift of his brow, then back to me. “Well, Bops, I guess it’s an okay dress, but I don’t like orange or green. Amber looks hot in pink, though. I’ll tell her to talk to you about where you got them. I don’t worry about what she wears. I’m more the taking-it-off kinda guy.” I vomited a little in my mouth as he shrugged and walked out the door.

  “Great,” I said. I couldn’t believe that I’d persuaded all three of them. I needed to conceal my excitement as much as possible because I didn’t need them running down the hall to ask Mother to look at the dresses also. Persuading her would have been impossible. I was a novice still.

  “Let’s go,” I said. I scrambled to the closet to put the dresses back on the rack. As soon as both dresses were hung, however, their color and design changed entirely. In place of the awful orange muddle was the same sweeping red gown Jill had worn when I first met everyone. And in place of the horrible green fiasco, a beautiful black strapless dress emerged. I stared in disbelief at the dresses – what had I sold them on? I’d been convinced myself of the orange and green dresses. I sold them on two hideous dresses that weren’t hideous at all. I believed so much that they were hideous that I sold them on that, or at least I sold Matt on that. Melissa and Emily liked the dresses from the beginning. Did I do anything?

  “Yes, you did. Now get going. Don’t spoil your friends’ night.” Chris whispered in my ear but didn’t materialize. A shudder of delight tore through me at the closeness of his voice. With time, his charm won’t affect me so much…I hope.

  “Chris.” I whispered into the darkness of the closet, “are you still here?” I heard nothing, but his hand caressed the back of my neck.

  “Chris,” I whispered again. “I did a good job.”

  His throaty laugh sounded in my head. “Get going, CC. You’ll miss all the fun.”

  Chapter 22

  Emily and Melissa insisted on not revealing where we were going. They even went as far as to blindfold me when we were in the car and getting close to our destination.

  “Seriously, guys, this is silly,” I said. Of course, my audience appeared to be deaf. Once those two had their minds made up, it was like me trying to squeeze into size zero jeans. Wasn’t going to happen no matter how much I jumped around. Tonight they were set on this surprise girls’ night out. “Ugh,” I groaned.

  “CC, we’re here,” Melissa announced. Emily removed the blindfold.

  “Uh, why are we at Casey’s house?” I asked, looking with confusion from Melissa to Emily.

  “Is that where we are?” Melissa teased.

  “Yes, Melissa, don’t you remember the party?” Emily said. She rolled her eyes, then fixed her gaze on me. I shook my head at my hairbrained friend and waited for the explanation I was sure she would try to give. I figured I’d get Melissa to translate after she finished babbling.

  “Okay, right. Well, Chris told us about the party that you weren’t supposed to know about because Casey hates you now. But who cares what she thinks anyway? So, of course, we weren’t supposed to know about it either, but we do because Chris knew about it and he told us. Casey doesn’t know that we know and you aren’t supposed to know that we know because we didn’t want you to know until we arrived so that you wouldn’t back out.”

  I bent my head and rubbed my hands across my temple. “So basically, Casey doesn’t know we’re coming to her party. And we’ll most likely get kicked out once she does.” I think I summed that up fairly well. So much for a girls’ night out.

  “No. Chris talked to her. Well, he said he would, once he got here. He said he’d smooth everything over with her before we arrived. He even said he’d talk to Marcus. To let him know how cool you are but that you’re shy when it comes to matters of the heart,” Melissa said. A nervous laugh escaped her lips. I didn’t think she even believed what she’d said.

  I knew Chris wouldn’t talk to Marcus, but he’d definitely talk to Casey. I took a deep breath. “I must be crazy, but I promised the two of you a night out. So let’s do this, girls. We’re here now, no turning back.” But honestly, turning back was what I wanted to do most. I was sleepy and I wanted a quiet night in bed with my remote and the backlog of recordings of Gossip Girls on my TiVo. But I had promised them a fun night out – so I plastered on a smile just for them.

  Casey was having her party out back in her massive yard with a multi-lit heated pool and Jacuzzi at the second level of their three-level oak deck. She had one of a handful of single-family houses that existed in Manhattan. And we had the misfortune to crash her party.

  Once we’d reached the backyard where the party was, all we could see were the sparkling lights that hung from trees lining the yard. The pool was glimmering and casting sparks of green and blue across the faces of her guests. Two large tables were set up on the right side of the yard, loaded with food. A DJ was not far from the buffet table, and for whatever reason, he wore the most ridiculously large multi-colored hat I’d ever seen. Five or six tables and chairs for lounging were around the fence and a grand dance floor was constructed at the back of the yard.

  I followed behind Melissa and Emily, speaking to my classmates as I went along but scanning the crowd as I moved. Lately, I’d felt so out of place with my classmates. It was strange, but I was jealous of them. I never was before and I knew why. They were normal. I thought being normal was my life’s greatest travesty, but now I’d give anything to just be Chloe again. Except some of
the powers – they were wicked cool. It was difficult to take a night off and be a normal teenager. But I owed it to myself to try.

  I spotted Raja in the crowd moving in our direction. “Hey, girlfriends,” she said as she walked up.

  “Hey, you,” Emily answered back. She seemed genuinely pleased to see her.

  I scanned faces in the crowd, not concentrating on anyone in particular, when Melissa announced excitedly, “Marcus. I’m happy to see you made it.”

  Oh no. Someone shoot me, please.

  Emily turned to me. “Look, CC. It’s Marcus from school. Remember the guy we introduced you to earlier?” she said, while nodding her head and winking. She acted as if I’d forgotten our conversation less than five minutes ago. I could tell Raja was trying hard to suppress a laugh and so was Melissa. Funny, they were laughing for two entirely different reasons. I think?

  “Hi, Marcus. Good to see you again,” I said. Melissa and Emily quickly walked off, saying they wanted to introduce Raja to Jennifer and Melissa, who were on the dance floor. Note to self: have long discussion with best friends. Re: don’t walk off until I give you the signal that I want to be alone with the guy.

  “Nice dress,” Marcus commented. He looked me over a little too obviously. It made me uncomfortable. “You look good in it.”

  “Thanks. I bought it today,” I said, awkwardly pulling on the front. Stop that. Stand up straight. Wait – how’d my mother get in my head?

  “Do you wanna dance?” he asked. He arched his brow in anticipation and extended his arm.

  “Oh, no…sorry. I really don’t feel much like dancing. But thanks.” I sighed softly and clasped my hands together behind my back.

  “Are you a junior?” he asked. How sad, he’s still trying. He must realize he’s failed.

  “Yes.” I continued to scan the audience. I was looking for someone. Anyone.

  “What’s your favorite subject in school?” he asked.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are we seriously going to talk about school at a party?”

  He didn’t say anything else. I wasn’t even slightly interested in him. His cute face alone presented no appeal. Not after Chris. No way would I, nor any other sane girl, choose him over Chris. I’d had a taste of Chris and now, unfortunately, every guy would be scrutinized because of it. Even if Marcus exhibited adorable behavior, how could I be with him? I was already in love with a guy who loved me only because he thought I was someone else. This is so screwed up.

  “You know, Chloe, you should aspire to be more personable with others,” he said. My head snapped up and out of its Chris-induced fog.

  “Uh, I’m sorry. I…I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

  “No, I’m certain you weren’t. However, your actions state you aren’t interested. But they say something else, too.” He took a step forward and smiled down at me. I wanted to scream. “You’re lost. You aren’t Amanda. You’ll never be her. You reek of fear. Amanda’s a woman, believe me, I know. You’re a child.”

  My eyes darted to the exit. Too far. I scanned the audience for Raja. I couldn’t find her. Fear consumed my vocal chords. Bile rose up the back of my throat. I swallowed hard. I was trapped.

  “It would be fruitless to call for help. Before you could get the first syllable off your pretty lips, I’d snap your neck like a twig. Of course, I’d never do that. I am a gentleman.” He stood only inches away from my face. So close I couldn’t see past him anymore. He bent his head and whispered into my ear, “I love your fear. I think I’ll use it.” Musk invaded my nostrils. He traced his finger across my bottom lip. My heart slowed to a crawl. Then he pressed his lips to my cheek.

  “What do you want?” I whispered. It was all I could say. Tears welled up in my eyes, on the verge of spilling over.

  “I want it all – just like everyone else. But I’m not your enemy, Chloe. They want you to believe I am. But I’m not. I’m one of the good guys…they just don’t know it. And you don’t remember. I’ve spent many nights hoping, praying for you to remember.” A look of pain crossed his face. “All things will be revealed. But for now, I’m not finished having fun.” He backed away. But never took his eyes from mine. He finally turned and made his way through the crowd and strolled out of the yard. My mouth was still held captive by fear. Petrified, I watched after him, hoping he wouldn’t return.

  I exhaled long and hard, like I’d been holding it the entire time. Actually, I was pretty sure I had. My eyes scanned the dance floor for my friends. That was when I saw him again. He was on the dance floor. He raised his head, smiled, and threw a nod in my direction. He walked over with a huge grin stretched across his face. I stiffened.

  “Hey, Chloe. Looking good.” He arched his right brow and smiled at me. I bore my eyes into him. Nothing. I attempted a smile, but I was sure it looked like I was trying to hold gas in. Calm down, Carmichael. It had to be the real Marcus and not the ENO. Please let this be him. But how many other people could he impersonate?

  “Great party, huh,” he said. I nodded in agreement but remained unable to speak. Please just get away from me. “This is by far the most fun I’ve had in this life. I don’t get it, though. How are you so completely different this time? I mean…I’ve seen people scared before, but you take the cake.” His mouth twisted into a disapproving line and his brow creased as if he were confused. Fear clung to me like a wet garment. No way would I ever be able to defeat this twisted thing. “And they call you their leader. They may need to rethink that.” He laughed so loud a couple kids standing nearby looked up sharply.

  “What do you want from me?” I stared him directly in the eyes. They were black and cold.

  “What I want, Chloe cannot give me. So I’m waiting, but please believe me when I say that when the time comes, I will collect. And there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it.”

  “Why don’t you just leave us all alone?” I whispered, fear nearly swallowing my words before I could get them out. “We haven’t done anything to you.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “You have this all wrong. I really am the good guy here. Your friends just don’t understand me. I’ve visited you before. I’ve never hurt you. Right? Shit. I just wish you could remember – this would be all over if you remembered. I could go home if you remembered. I only have a modicum of patience left. Do you want to be stuck as Chloe forever?”

  I didn’t say anything. My mind raced. What if what he said was true? What if Chris and everyone else had it wrong? But Sam did say he was manipulative. What if he was lying now?

  My hands clenched into fists and my stomach rumbled. I was certain I would vomit.

  “Okay, I guess that’s enough fun for one night,” he said with a sneer. “But I’ll see you later. I promise.” He sauntered off into a crowd of students dancing.

  I knew I couldn’t endure another minute. I had to go home. I’d use my persuasion power to convince Melissa and Emily I’d stayed, talked to Marcus, and we’d hit it off. I took a step in the direction of the gate when Chris walked up, smiling. Should I tell him what happened? No, that torture was purely for my benefit alone. Why bother the others with it? He wasn’t the ENO anyway or else he would’ve killed me. Right? A shiver tore through me at the thought. Based on what everyone else had said, he couldn’t have been the ENO. He had to be the ENO but not in his true form. Right? Shit. I don’t know anything. I don’t know who to trust. What am I doing?

  “Hi, Chloe,” Chris said, extending a hand. “Can I please have a word with you?” My stomach twisted into a knot. And apprehension forced my mouth shut.

  I spun around, looking for Marcus on the dance floor. He was dancing with Jennifer. He noticed me, too, and smiled brightly. Was it really him? Or was it still the ENO parading as him? If it was, then this was the real Chris in front of me. I bit my lip, unsure about everything. I hate my life so much right now.

  Chris smirked knowingly. “Great Eight,” he said. Then rolled his eyes. He still had his hand extended toward me.
>
  “Do you have to hold my hand to speak to me?” I snapped. I clasped my hands behind my back because they would betray me and grab his hand if they could. And now, after what happened, I needed the comfort of his touch more than anything.

  “Okay,” he said, wincing from my words. “Do you think we could leave here together?”

  “How do you know I was going to leave?” I crossed my arms in front of me and rolled my eyes so hard they could’ve stuck to the back of my skull. “Chris, you cannot listen in on my thoughts like that. That is an invasion of my privacy. It’s wrong, immoral. It’s–”

  “Calm down, firecracker. I could tell by how you continually looked at the exit,” he said, shaking his head. “You’ve been blocking everyone since you arrived at the party. So no one’s heard anything you’ve been thinking anyway.” He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I know it’s hard to be normal after everything that’s happened, but normalcy is possible. I also know that my behavior hasn’t helped with your transition. But I promise to help you get back to normal.”

  “Normal. What’s that?” I took a deep breath. There was no use fighting it – I wanted to be alone with him. And I wanted to get away from this party, too. “What do you have in mind?”

  “Trust me?” he asked with a devilish grin on his face.

  “Amanda did.” Not that I’ll ever be her. “So I guess I should. I’m expected to anyway.”

  “How does Chloe feel? Not what you’ve been told to feel.” He stepped closer to me and whispered, “I’m sorry, Chloe. I didn’t treat you like a real person.” His fingers stroked my jawline and every bone in my body turned to putty. “Can I get to know her, please?”