If I Let You Go

by Kyra Lennon

  Dangerous thoughts.

  After I’d said good morning to Jayne, Dominic gave me an awkward smile, which I returned, equally as awkwardly.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  “And I’m ready!” Tilly added, making us laugh.

  We arrived at the arranged meeting point at Spitchwick Common, and set out a blanket on the grass. Tilly jumped up and down, eager for her aunt, uncle and cousins to arrive. Before she could burn in the already scorching heat, Dominic handed me the sunscreen, and I made sure all of Tilly’s exposed skin was well covered in factor 30 while he pulled out some folding chairs and a bunch of toys and games to keep the kids entertained. It was still early, but slowly, more families arrived, ready to enjoy the little piece of heaven on earth that was Dartmoor.

  Dave, his wife, Mel, and their two children, Jake and Danielle, arrived around thirty minutes after us and as they approached, carrying their own boatload of supplies, I noticed that Dave’s clothes were soaking wet. Jake and Danielle ran to greet Tilly and the three of them sped off to play together.

  “Madison,” Mel said, hugging me tightly, “I’m so glad you could come! It’s great to see you.”

  Mel’s sleek black hair was cropped, perfectly showing off her high cheekbones. She looked even more gorgeous than I remembered. It had been over a year since I last saw her, when we’d had a crazy, impromptu night on the town, which ended with us waking everyone in her house when she’d stumbled through the front door and crashed into the huge potted plant at the bottom of the stairs.

  “It’s great to see you too,” I said. “I can’t believe how big the kids are getting!”

  “I know,” she laughed, watching them as they ran around. “It’ll be Jake’s ninth birthday next month, and Danielle’s nearly seven. Seems like just yesterday I was pushing them around in their prams!”

  “Madison, come over here and hug me!” Dave’s voice said from behind me.

  I smiled broadly at Dominic’s big brother, who had his arms outstretched. Dave was a larger version of Dom. Taller, rounder, and louder, but bundles of fun and always so full of energy. A trip to Devon without seeing Dave was a trip wasted.

  “Dave,” I said. “I’ve missed you but you are dripping wet, and I’ve just put on sunblock. What happened to you?”

  Mel chuckled beside me, and Dave said, “My idiot brother thought it would be ‘fun’ if we got some water balloons to throw around. He phoned and asked me to fill them up and bring them with me. I had them in a bag on my lap, but I didn’t count on some idiot driving too fast down a narrow lane. Mel had to brake hard, and I got a lap full of rubber and water! So, no water balloons today.”

  “You thought it was a good idea too.” Dominic grinned.

  “I did, but I didn’t expect to end up being the only one having a water fight.”

  “You’ll soon dry,” Mel said. “It’s boiling out here.”

  Dave whipped off his shirt and laid it out on the ground beside the blanket. “Will you hug me now, Madison?” he asked, making Mel laugh harder.

  “You’re such a tart, David,” she said.

  “You really are a tart,” I said, letting him embrace me. “But it’s good to see you.”

  “You too, kid. You too.”

  The day at Spitchwick couldn’t have gone any better. The children were having the time of their lives, playing badminton, chasing each other, dipping their toes into the river and eating large amounts of sugary crap their parents usually made them avoid. While Dominic, Jayne and Mel played football with the kids, Dave and I stretched ourselves out on a blanket, soaking up some rays. He’d been shooting glances my way all day, but there had barely been five minutes of quiet for us to talk without anyone else around. Mel eventually rounded up the troops, because we both knew Dave wanted to discuss New York with me. I’d been half expecting it since Tilly told me he’d asked for me to come along to the picnic.

  “Come on then,” he said. “Tell me you agree with me.”

  “Agree about what?” I asked, staring up at the blue sky and relishing the warmth of the sun on my skin.

  “That Dom moving to New York is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard.”

  “Oh,” I laughed. “Yes. I completely, wholeheartedly agree.”

  “So why haven’t you stopped him?”

  “Stopped him?” I asked. “You can’t stop him doing anything once he’s set his mind to it. That’s just how he is.”

  “You don’t want him to go.”

  I sighed. “No. I think it’s going to do more harm than good.”

  Dave flicked my arm, making me jump, and I smacked him in retaliation. “What was that for?”

  “Just trying to get an honest reaction from you.”

  His brown eyes, so unlike Dominic’s, focused intently on mine, and I said, “You don’t think I’m being honest when I say I don’t want him to go?”

  “No, I know that’s true. But the reason you don’t want him to go? That’s what I want to know.”

  “This sounds suspiciously like a question you think you know the answer to,” I said, sitting up. “But you’re wrong.”

  Dave stayed silent, and I took the time to watch the others. Jake dribbled the football, with Danielle trying to tackle him. He was unaware of Tilly watching him, and when he was least expecting it, she ran at him, skidding across the grass and successfully getting the ball away. The shock on Jake’s face made everyone laugh, and Dominic ran to Tilly, lifting her high in the air. “That’s my girl,” he said. She giggled and threw her arms around his neck.

  “And that’s what I mean,” Dave said, making me aware that he had sat up too. “That look in your eyes. That’s honest.”

  “I haven’t seen Tilly so happy in a long time. It makes me happy.”

  And honestly has nothing to do with the way their faces light up when they’re having fun together, or how incredible Dominic looks when so much love shines in his eyes. Really.

  “I know. But … Madison, I know what happened with you and Dom after he told you about New York. He said you got into a big row, and then … well. I know.”

  Jesus Christ. Dominic was so private about so many things, but having sex with me was the one thing he’d shared? My cheeks burned.

  “Do you want to know what he said?” Dave asked.

  I turned my head towards him. “Do I?”

  “He said the night you slept together, he hated you and loved you at the same time and it scared him because he’d never felt anything like that before.”

  Funny. I thought something similar at the time.

  “He actually said that?” I asked. “He said he loved me?”

  “Yes. It surprised me because I didn’t think he would ever realise how lucky he is.”

  “I think you’ve both got this wrong. Last night, we had … a moment. But he pretty much confirmed what I thought. He thinks there’s something between us, but it’s not about me. Like everything he does, it’s about what’s right for Tilly. I understand, but I don’t want that kind of relationship. And even if I did, he’s leaving soon so it doesn’t matter.”

  Dave sighed, as if he’d realised his words were falling on deaf ears. Or at least ears that refused to listen properly.

  “Okay,” he said. “Can’t say I didn’t try.”

  My adoration of Dave somehow multiplied, even though the conversation was more painful for me than I cared to admit. I loved how he’d been so open with me, and how he wanted what was best for his brother. But you can’t force people to love each other.

  I gave him a hug. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I think you’ve misunderstood his feelings. We’re friends, we always have been, but that’s all. Maybe one day he’ll find someone who loves Tilly, and who he really wants to be with.”

  I’m not her.

  I stood up, needing a break from the intensity. “Coming to play?”

  “No,” he said, with a smile. “I’m
more of an observer.”

  As I got closer to the game, Tilly said, “Maddi! I need you on my team, Aunt Mel’s rubbish!”

  “Oh really?” Mel laughed. “I’m doing my best here!”

  “Girls are all rubbish at football,” Jake said.

  “I’m not,” Tilly told him. “I just tackled you!”

  Her grass stained clothes backed up her point nicely.

  “I think we should let the grown-ups play,” Danielle said. “I need a drink.”

  “Me too,” Jake added, and Jayne put an arm around each of her oldest grandchildren, and led them towards Dave and the refreshments.

  “I want to keep playing,” Tilly said, grabbing my hand. “Come on Maddi!”

  Danielle and Jake left the “pitch” and Mel said, “We just lost our goalkeeper. I’ll take over.”

  She stood in between the makeshift goalposts, which were really just markers made from Dave’s shirt and an empty water bottle. Dominic placed the ball at his feet and said, “Which one of you ladies is planning to take me on?”

  I smiled down at Tilly, and she giggled. We both eyed Dominic for a second, then without warning, we started to run, fast. Surprised by our joint attack he took off with the ball, expertly keeping it away from us. Tilly stopped running, gearing up to attempt another tackle and I stopped to watch her. Even though Dominic was a much bigger target than Jake, she focused hard on his feet. When she was ready, she sped forwards, timing her attack so she’d meet the ball a split second before Dominic. Again, she skidded across the grass, connecting with the football and forcing her father to jump so he didn’t crash into her. Tilly picked up the ball and held it in the air, jumping up and down. “I beat Daddy!” she sang. “I beat Daddy!”

  Her precision was astonishing, and I burst out laughing as Dominic tumbled to the floor, breathless after his defeat. I ran over as fast as I could while giggling at the glee on Tilly’s face, and we both sat down on the grass. Tilly put her hand on Dominic’s arm and said, “I think I won.”

  He began to laugh. “I think you did. Where did you learn to do that?”

  “I’ve seen footballers do it on TV. It’s easy!”

  “Easy and messy,” I said. “Look at the state of your clothes!”

  She just shrugged and jumped up, still full of energy, and ran over to Jayne. Mel, who had watched us from her place in goal, gave us a grin before heading towards them too.

  “She just kicked your arse,” I said, as Dominic tried to catch his breath.

  “Said with such pride,” he laughed.

  “I am proud,” I told him. “Arse kicking is a great skill for a girl to have! I don’t think she’ll have any trouble sleeping after running around all day!”

  “Oh about that,” Dominic said, rolling over onto his side. “I think Mungo has been replaced. Patch had to have breakfast with us this morning. Tilly insisted he have his own slice of toast. But no butter. Dogs don’t like butter.”

  “Actually, Patch is more of a cereal kind of dog.”

  “So I have to fight him for my cornflakes now?”

  “Cornflakes? No. They are far too boring for him, he’ll only eat chocolatey cereals.”

  “I’ll make a note.”

  “Good,” I said, seriously. “Because you know how much trouble you’ll be in if you mistreat my dog.”

  We kept up the pretence for a second longer, until it became impossible to hold back the laughter.

  Just having fun with him instead of the on-going battle we’d had for the last few weeks was a relief. We used to have the kind of fun that made me think we could get over any disagreement because first and foremost, we were friends. I’d missed it.

  Chapter 9

  The fun times ground to an abrupt halt as soon as we got back to London. After an amazing week in Devon, during which I got to hang out with my old friends, went on a few trips with my parents, and spent time with Dominic and his family, reality hit hard the evening we got home.

  Tilly’s birthday was on Thursday, and her three best friends from school were supposed to come for a sleepover. Dominic had sworn up and down that he’d be there. He’d missed everything else, and this time, he promised he’d be there for her.

  So, naturally, when his office called on Sunday and asked him if he could go back to New York for the week to sort out some last details for the move, he couldn’t say no.

  I was livid. Not just a little bit miffed. Outright fuming. So much so that once Tilly had – again – run to her room crying because of another disappointment, I stormed out of the flat and took myself down to the gym on the bottom floor of the building. Thumping and kicking the hell out of a punch bag really helped me de-stress. Every crappy decision Dominic made, every idiotic idea he had about New York came bursting out of me until I’d exhausted myself.

  After an hour, it still wasn’t enough.

  Sweaty and tired, I went back to the apartment, showered, and changed into my nightclothes – an old, oversized t-shirt with the logo of an obscure rock band emblazoned on it. I sat on my bed, waiting for the annoyance to pass. Surely, it should have gone after an hour spent physically abusing a punch bag?

  No. It stayed, nagging at me until I had no choice but to get up and talk to Dominic.

  And by ‘talk’, I mean ‘yell.’

  I padded down the hall to his room, where I found him stepping out of his jeans. I had to fight hard not to focus on his bare chest, and I wished more than anything that I’d just gone to bed.

  At least the bite marks have healed.

  “I know that look, Madison, and I’m not in the mood for a fight.”

  His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.

  “You really are an arse sometimes,” I said.

  He picked up his jeans and slung them over a chair that was already covered in unwashed clothes.

  “I can’t believe you couldn’t say no to work this one time,” I went on. “It’s her birthday, for Christ’s sake!”

  “Don’t. I feel bad enough already.”

  “So you should. You promised her you’d be here.”

  “I know what I promised, okay? But I can’t just make this work stuff go away!”

  “So come back early. Go tomorrow, and be back here on Thursday so you don’t let her down again.”

  He turned on me, angrier than I’d ever seen him. “It’s so easy for you, isn’t it? You’re always here, doing everything right, while I come in and out of her life and fuck things up! It’s not easy to balance everything!”

  “It’s not easy for me either! She misses you, and while you’re gone I have to work damn hard to be everything she needs until you get back!”

  “If it’s such a hard job, why did you stay for so long?”

  “Because I love her! I love both of you and seeing her so upset, and you so stressed is killing me. Why can’t you slow down?”

  “I can’t afford to slow down! If I slow down, things don’t get done, and I’ll lose my job!”

  “If you don’t slow down, you’ll lose your daughter! Can’t you see that? She is slipping further and further away from you every day. She loves you so much, but there’s only so many times you can apologise before she stops believing you.”

  “I pay you to help me, Madison. Not lecture me.”

  There he goes again, pulling out the ‘boss’ card. I wouldn’t mind half as much if he actually was an insensitive prick, but he’s not. If he really thought of me as just an employee, he wouldn’t have included me in everything he did with his family while we were away. But the moment I started making valid points about how his work affected Tilly, he shut me out. Put me back in my “proper” place as the hired help. Just because I understood why he did it, didn’t make it any less hurtful.

  I started to leave the room, and Dominic said, “Maddi.”

  The way he said my name made a tiny piece of my heart crumble away. I’d given up correcting him for calling me Maddi because –
when he said it – it felt okay.

  “Do you love me?” he asked.

  “I do,” I told him. “But … I don’t know what that means anymore.”

  I waited, because I knew he hadn’t finished. Sure enough, after a few minutes, he rested his hands lightly on my shoulders. “Can you please look at me?”

  Slowly, I turned to face him and his hands dropped to his sides. I wondered if my face looked as exhausted and miserable as Dominic’s. If the sparkle had gone from my eyes too. If he was wondering what I was thinking, the same way I was trying to see what was happening in his mind. We always read each other well. Always. Even in the recent times of chaos, we’d managed to somehow see beyond the fights and understand the things neither of us wanted to say out loud. But that moment, standing in front of him, I didn’t know what he was thinking.

  And it terrified me.

  A minute of deafening silence passed, and when I couldn’t stand it any longer, I said, “Why did you tell Dave that we slept together?”

  I had no idea why that question came out of my mouth when there were so many others to choose from. But it had been irking me because Dominic usually kept his private life to himself. The same way he’d kept Serena to himself – but that was a road I really didn’t want to go down. No matter how much I didn’t want to discuss what happened between us, there is only so long a topic can be ignored. It was time. My heart pounded, but it was time.

  “I can’t believe he spoke to you about that,” Dominic said, shaking his head. “I asked him not to bring it up.”

  “Well, he did. He told me what you said about how you felt.”

  “Of course he did, he’s got a big mouth.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? You just asked me if I love you. And you told Dave you loved me.”

  “That’s how I felt. But you wouldn’t talk about it. Every time I got close to mentioning it you changed the subject, or made an excuse to leave.”