Sex, Mom, and God

by Frank Schaeffer

  The-God-Of-The-Bible’s Women-Management Plan is particularly focused on controlling bodily fluids. The-God-Of-The-Bible hates wetness! I can’t imagine The-God-Of-The-Bible volunteering to feed a baby, let alone doing what mothers (and some fathers and grandfathers) do when they use a spoon to scrape dribbled food off a baby’s chin and then absentmindedly lick off the spoon. I wonder if The-God-Of-The-Bible would use His Divine Spit (the way Jesus did to heal a blind man) to clean off dirt from a baby’s face. However The-God-Of-The-Bible would behave as a babysitter, I imagine He’d be squeamish if He had to take care of a young woman afflicted with her monthly cycle of menstrual impurity, or for that matter a young man afflicted with wet dreams.

  I wonder how a woman is to be righteous in the eyes of The-God-Of-The-Bible when her own reproductive organs, by His Own design , defile her body and how a man is to live “correctly” when his own body’s arousal is his biggest Sin? According to orthodox Jewish rabbinical law, a woman becomes impure when she is aware that blood has come from her womb. Even if menstruation started before she sees evidence of blood, the rabbinical regulations say she’s not impure until she notices. But as soon as she notices the least stain, she becomes Unclean. However, if she finds a stain after say, cutting her finger, she does not become impure since the blood is not from her womb. But if there is a bloodstain of uncertain origin, a woman is told to ask the assistance of her male rabbi to “help her” determine what to “do” about her “Female Uncleanness.”

  There’s a lot in the Bible about menstruation, and it’s all bad. Blood isn’t the problem; just womb blood is bad. Blood squirting from countless sheep and cows dying while being slaughtered as sacrifices to The-God-Of-The-Bible is just fine. So is male mutilation: circumcision. Even better for Christians is the blood pouring from Jesus’ hands and feet. The Christian believer is encouraged to drink it, get to Heaven through it, and “claim” it! “Have you been to Jesus for the cleansing power?” ask the words of the old camp meeting hymn. “Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb? Are you fully trusting in His grace this hour? Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?”

  The Bible is full of vengeful bloodshed when the righteous are vindicated by the blood of the wicked. As the Psalmist says, “The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked” (Psalm 58:10). That “triumphal” blood runs in God-Of-The-Bible-pleasing crimson rivers throughout the Scriptures—from the Slaughter of Midian right up through the Book of Revelation. Evangelical readings of John the Revelator’s visions anticipate the day when Jesus will come back à la the Left Behind novels and kill just about all the people abandoned on earth for their unbelieving ways.7 These include the “Incomplete Jews” (i.e., Jews who haven’t “accepted Jesus”), all Muslims, and all the other “heathens” of the world—which for most Evangelicals include Hindus, Roman Catholics, and Mormons, not to mention all Liberal Protestants of the sort who “took over” the previously “sound” denominations my parents once belonged to—saving only a “remnant” unto Himself.

  Now when it came to remnants—in other words to Us Real Christians—there were Actual Jews and then there were Real Jews. Evangelicals believe that they are also The Chosen People. Some Evangelicals believe that they are the only chosen people now. Others think that the Jews are still chosen, too. American Evangelicals, following the Puritans’ conceit of their special “call,” cling to the concept of American exceptionalism, some sort of setting-apart “call” to be special—“chosen”—and lead the world to a better place. In other words, we’re better than other people and must show the way or at least force it on others through our nonstop wars, sort of like . . . the Jews of the Old Testament. (The Mormons took this idea to its logical conclusion with a nudge from Joseph Smith. He decided that America had to have actually been visited by Jesus and that somehow certain “good” tribes of Native Americans were linked to the Jews.)8

  Evangelicals brood over the Jews. Jesus was a Jew, but then He started a whole “new” religion that instantly was in conflict with the Jews but ... was made up mostly of Jews, at the beginning of the Church. So Jews were a big deal to the Schaeffer family. We liked Jews and feared them and felt sorry for them. Conflicted is the word. And there is no way to get on the inside of the who-ischosen question without unpacking the quirky relationship Evangelicals have with Jews, both embracing them and condemning them to eternal damnation in what has to be one of the odder relationships ever concocted—sort of like those news stories that crop up once in a while about how a cat befriends a hamster.

  Many American Evangelicals believe that to “be a Real Christian” means that you must give your full support to the extremist elements in the state of Israel. Many Evangelicals believe that God loves some people lots more than others and that He loves Jews most of all. For instance, John Hagee, megachurch pastor and founder of Christians United for Israel, says, “For twenty five almost twenty six years now, I have been pounding the Evangelical community over television. The Bible is a very pro-Israel book. If a Christian admits ‘I believe the Bible,’ I can make him a pro-Israel supporter or they will have to denounce their faith. So I have Christians over a barrel you might say.”9

  Few within the Evangelical community have publicly questioned Hagee’s approach. But it’s more complex than simply having a soft spot for Jews trying to populate “Judea and Samaria” (as they like to call land taken after the Six Day War of 1967). You see, to Us Real Christians, Real Jews were the Good Jews in the Old Testament, and after Jesus arrived (thus “fulfilling the prophecies” of the Old Testament), they were the Jews who accepted the Messiah.

  Don’t get me wrong—Us Real Jews weren’t anti-Semites just because we said that the Actual Jews killed Jesus. Like Hagee and company, we loved Jews-Born-That-Way-Who-Stayed-That-Way even if their great-great-grandparents had—in a rather imprudent moment—killed God. We didn’t blame them for killing God. If you’re predestined to fulfill a prophecy, you’re going to do it. And so we didn’t blame the modern state of Israel’s government for its brutality. It, too, was merely “fulfilling prophecy.”

  Mom often said that the “miraculous return of the Jews to Israel is just one more thing that proves the Bible is true.” That would not have happened if the Jews hadn’t killed Jesus, been exiled, suffered the Holocaust—“just what was needed to turn Zionism into a mainstream movement in order to fulfill prophecy,” as Dad noted—and returned to Israel in order to pave the way for the Return of Christ. The Jews may have thought their return to Palestine was all about them. Of course, Us Real Christians knew better: It was all about Us.

  Since Us Christians were now The Chosen People (either on our own or in tandem with the Jews, depending on one’s theology), as a child, when hearing the word Jew, I mentally replaced it with the word Christian. Of course, I didn’t actually replace any words in my Bible’s text, mind you, because we believed that the Bible is inerrant, infallible, inspired, perfect, and complete, and so one may underline meaningful passages and even write notes in the margins (for instance, words like “Praise God this passage really speaks to me!”), but one may NEVER, EVER cross out stuff and/or replace anything! The point was, biblical prophecy applied to Us Real Christians, too. And so did biblical preoccupations about some weird things, say about woman’s blood.

  Divine Disdain For Womb Fluids is not just an idiosyncrasy of the Jews’ Old-Testament-God-Of-The-Bible. Many Christians use “Old Testament God” to distinguish between what they characterize as the vengeful, violent God of the Old Testament and the loving, peaceful God of the New Testament. This is a self-righteous distinction in need of debunking: Divine vengeance runs throughout the Bible and throughout Christian history. Many of the Church Fathers (but not all) carried on the misogyny that was ubiquitous in the Greco-Roman world. These Fathers also elaborated on the Scriptures’ teachings on women’s impurity and turned them into doctrines that bash Sex—even in marriage.

  In 241 CE Di
onysius, archbishop of Alexandria, wrote to say that “menstruous women ought not to come to the Holy Table, or touch the Holy of Holies, nor to churches, but pray elsewhere.” Menstruous women may not receive communion, may not receive baptism, may not visit the Church at Easter. “Corruption” attaches to all sexual intercourse, according to St. Jerome. Marriage and Sex only came after The Fall, he said. Jerome went so far as to say that to become human, Jesus had to put up with the “revolting conditions” of Mary’s womb! (Or as the Angel Gabriel might have put it: “Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women, except for all the nasty bits of you God made by mistake.”)

  The-God-Of-The-Bible’s aversion to sex-related bodily fluids seemed to contradict Mom’s cheerful Sex-After-Marriage-Is-Always-Wonderful philosophy and her talks about “how marvelous” our bodies are, especially the “miracle of life.” When I discovered that my Heavenly Maker didn’t like my bodily fluids and had it in for my foreskin, too, Mom tried to soften the blow: “Real Christians don’t have to circumcise,” she said. “Since Jesus died for us, we don’t have to do this.” That was a relief! Still, I was worried about retribution for my scientific investigations. So I (obliquely) asked Mom about touching that sanitary pad. I said something like “What happened if a Jew touched a woman’s blood, you know by mistake or something if he was just looking for something, or just thought it was chicken blood?”

  “Ritual uncleanness is not perceived as worthy of death,” Momthe-ever-merciful said. “It’s merely a state in which you can’t approach God for a while. You would need to wash yourself, same as when you have a discharge. As Leviticus Chapter 15:17 says, ‘When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body with water, and he will be unclean till evening. Any clothing or leather that has semen on it must be washed with water, and it will be unclean till evening. When a man lies with a woman, and there is an emission of semen, both must bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening.’”

  “Just with water?” I asked.

  “No, Dear, water and soap. When you Develop and have the Wet Dreams that God will send you to help you with your Desires, you must tell me and I’ll wash your pajamas.”

  “Even though we’re not Jews?”

  “Yes, Dear, that’s just cleanliness, not the Law.”

  “But what about that other verse where girls get killed for being Off The Roof?” I said, using Mom’s euphemism for her period.

  “You must mean Leviticus 20:18,” said Mom, and without even opening her Bible, she quoted the passage: “‘If a man lies with a woman during her menstrual period and uncovers her nakedness, he has made naked her fountain, and she has uncovered the fountain of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from among their people.’ Do you mean that verse, Dear?”

  “Yes. Why would he have to be killed for uncovering her fountain?”

  “You don’t have to worry because it’s about those wicked Canaanites. They used menstrual blood in their rituals when they should’ve just discarded their used pads in the wastepaper basket or at least washed out their towels or whatever they used. The Mosaic Law aimed to separate the good Hebrews from bad peoples who were dwelling in their midst. That’s all, Darling.”

  “How come bleeding is bad?”

  “It isn’t ‘bad.’ God just uses this to remind women that our monthly Falling Off The Roof is a sign that the intimate part of life must be kept sacred. The human Sex Drive was corrupted by The Fall. You know that. The Marriage Bed is undefiled, but there’s something that can defile the marriage bed: sexual intercourse when a woman is Off The Roof. So I wish Fran would respect this, but he doesn’t because of his Need.”

  “So should Dad be cut off?”

  “No, Dear, we’re not under the Law the way the Jews used to be, though Fran should pay attention to the passage where the Lord says, ‘In you,’—the Lord’s talking about wicked men—‘they violate women who are set apart during their impurity.’ So when I’m Off The Roof, God probably frowns upon Fran’s insistence on satisfying his Nightly Need, but because Jesus has fulfilled the Covenant, Fran is covered by The Blood and forgiven.”

  “Covered in your blood?”

  Mom shot the thirteen-year-old version of me an annoyed glance.

  “Christ’s Blood! And you knew perfectly well what I meant!”

  “So keeping that stuff in the Old Testament like the Ten Commandments doesn’t matter now because no matter what we’re forgiven because of Jesus’ Blood and we aren’t Jews?” asked the doubt-filled sixteen-year-old version of me.

  “No, Dear, it all still matters because we’re Spiritual Jews! It’s just that some things aren’t the same now that Jesus died for us. So we don’t put people to death the way we used to or at least not for as many sins. As Paul says in First Corinthians, ‘All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.’”

  “We still keep the parts about men not lying together carnally, don’t we?” the eleven-year-old version of me asked, having recently returned from my first term in a British boys’ boarding school where group “wanks” were a way of life.

  “Yes, Dear, homosexuality is still an abomination because Paul says so.”

  “But lying with a woman when she’s Off The Roof is okay now?”

  “It isn’t pleasing to the Lord, so I wish Fran would stop, but he doesn’t have to be killed because Jesus died for him, too.”

  “What if Dad did bestiality?” asked the smart-ass fourteenyear-old version of me.

  “Why on earth would he do that?! Really the things you come up with!”

  “So who decides what’s still a rule?”

  “The Holy Spirit leads us.”

  “What about if He leads somebody to not obey rules you say we’re still supposed to keep?”

  “It would prove they aren’t Real Christians.”

  “How do you know that the Holy Spirit’s leading you and Dad?”

  “Because He’s blessing the work of L’Abri. This isn’t a mere coincidence. He wouldn’t bless us if our theology wasn’t right.”

  Regardless of how right our theology was, my monthly encounter with material evidence of that Most Private Place’s actual existence was thrilling. Holding that pad and putting a little blood on a glass slide, the ten-year-old me became a menstrual-truth-seeker version of Winston Smith, the hero of George Orwell’s novel 1984. Smith and I both faced the ruling oligarchy, “The Party,” as Orwell calls it. The Party subjected everyone to snooping; its busybodyimposed “holiness” was a form of conformity very much like that imposed within L’Abri. You either agreed with Mom and Dad, and through them with The-God-Of-The-Bible or you were soon cut off. In our “Party” the slogan might have been, “He who controls the interpretation of the Bible controls the future.”

  For Winston the moment of truth is when—for one brief instant—he holds actual contradictory newspaper articles in his hands that prove that The Party lies. For me I held the evidence of Actual Vagina. Holding actual evidence in his hands of the selfcontradicting “Truth” of the government’s lies, Smith had his moment of vindication. But Smith didn’t have to worry about going to Hell for touching a few contradictory news clippings. I had almost touched the untouchable. And so I had proof that nothing could remain hidden forever, even before my Wedding Night!

  The mummified wads and the slight telltale aroma of menstrual blood filled the bathroom with a mystery as enticing as the best perfume wafting on some languid Mediterranean summer breeze. Here at last was The Truth: Women did so much more with their bodies than I did! They bled. They produced milk. Their underwear was so much more complex and multilayered. Mom said I’d “develop.” So what? All that meant was that I’d grow hair “Down There.” With women the whole shape of their bodies changed. Mom had explained sperm production and the “lustful thoughts” I’d start having after puberty. Well, I was having those thoughts right now,
and all that happened was that a few flaccid inches of pink flesh became erect with greater and greater frequency, something difficult to hide and useless for now. My Wedding Night might as well have been lurking on some distant planet a billion light-years away for all the good it did me.

  Women, on the other hand, had their secrets tucked away. How could they need anything but themselves since THEY were in and of themselves the most alluring creatures in the universe?! They could get naked in the bathroom and look at A REAL WOMAN any time they wanted to! Even thinking about THEM compelled me to conceal my shame or at least crouch over as I walked to hide the evidence. But nothing on women—nipples aside, which sometimes stood up in cold bathing suits—gave them away. Did they linger at the laundry line for a glimpse of male underwear? No! Did they work for over an hour during some Bible study to “casually” loll next to the couch so as to slump onto the floor feigning drowsiness in order to angle their head for a look into that dark and wonderful triangular cave between a woman’s knees formed by her skirt and thighs? No! And anyway, Our Girls’ skirts were most often tucked severely around their thighs and overlapped their knees by several modest inches, so no matter how I bent my neck (until it had a painful crick), it was no use.