by Jo Ramsey
“You look bored,” Talia said. “We figured we should give you a break. We can caffeinate ourselves just as well while we walk as we can sitting down. Besides, it’s too busy in there this morning.”
“Oh.” Rob looked at me. “Your idea?”
“Talia’s,” I said. “She didn’t want you to be stuck out here too long.”
“Oh.” He looked in Talia’s direction, but not exactly at her. “Thanks.”
Talia almost smiled. Not quite, but close enough. “You’re welcome.”
We headed toward school in complete silence. Most mornings, Talia and I had random conversations on the way. We rarely talked about anything important. Just things that probably wouldn’t have made sense to anyone else. But today, chatting with her didn’t feel right. We would have left Rob out, even if we didn’t mean to. I wasn’t okay with that. Apparently Talia wasn’t either.
We reached the school at the same time as a few dozen other people. As usual, all of us tried to go through the doors at once. Most of us didn’t actually want to enter the building, but since we had no choice, we all wanted to get inside as quickly as possible.
In the crush of bodies, as I finally made it past the door frame, I lost sight of Rob. Then I heard someone yelp. I had no doubt about who. Frantically, I glanced around until I spotted him right outside the double doors, bent over and holding his nose.
Someone had hit him again. Maybe accidentally; that kind of thing happened when so many people crammed together. But maybe on purpose.
I fought my way back outside and put my arm over his shoulders. He glanced up with wet eyes and blood trickling out of his nose. “See? I told you.”
“Come over here.” I helped him straighten up and led him to the side of the steps, where we would be out of the way. “Should I get the nurse?”
“I’ll go after everyone else is inside.” His voice was messed up the way it had been the day before. “This guy hit me. He said he wanted to see if my nose would get bigger. He and his buddies thought it was hilarious.”
Red-hot fury rushed through me. If I found out who’d done this, I would deal with them. Seeing how much pain Rob was in, all I wanted to do was make the person responsible hurt even more.
I glanced over my shoulder, but with so many people still flowing into the building, figuring out who had hit Rob was impossible. “Do you know who he was?”
“Some stupid freshman.” He sniffed. “Ow. Shit! I don’t know his name. I don’t even know for sure he was a freshman, but he was small, scrawny, and I haven’t seen him before.”
“We’ll figure it out.” There probably wasn’t any way to guess which of the couple hundred freshmen had decided to be a jackass, but if I could find him, I would.
Talia came back outside and walked over to us. Her eyes widened. “What happened?”
“Someone hit him,” I said. “He needs to see the nurse.”
“I just saw her. I’ll go get her. Stay here.” Without waiting for me to answer, Talia hurried back into the building.
“The nurse isn’t going to come out here,” Rob said. “She’ll probably think I’m overreacting. Or she’ll say I’m supposed to go to her, not the other way around.”
Sometimes it really got on my nerves when Rob implied everyone was out to get him. But after what he’d dealt with the past two days, I didn’t blame him for being paranoid. “She can’t say you’re overreacting. You’re bleeding again.”
“So? Maybe she’ll decide I punched myself. Then she won’t have to care. I’ve given up on this school.” His tone hardened, and he narrowed his eyes. “Nothing is ever going to change unless I do something to change it. I have to do something soon. I can’t take another two years of this.”
A chill ran through me, and I took a step back without meaning to. Usually when Rob said that kind of thing, no matter how angry he was, he sounded like Rob. Frustrated and tired. This time, he sounded…. Furious. Maybe even evil. I didn’t know how else to describe it.
He sounded as if he’d finally had enough and was ready to take action.
Before I could say a word, he took a deep breath. As he let it out, the thick anger surrounding him ebbed away. His shoulders slumped, and he leaned against the railing. “I hate this,” he said softly. “I really hate it, Mira. All I ever want to do is get through a single day without anyone hurting me, and it never happens. Why won’t it happen?”
His voice cracked. If he cried here, where everyone would see, things would be worse for him. I couldn’t let that happen.
I stepped closer to him again, partly blocking him from people’s view, and put my hands on his shoulders. “You’re going to be okay. I don’t know why people are asses to you, but it isn’t your fault. It’ll stop. The school can’t ignore it forever. They’ll make it stop.”
“When?”
I sighed. “I don’t know.” All he wanted was a day when no one gave him a hard time. All I wanted were the right words to give him hope, and I didn’t have them. He’d been going through this most of his life. Nothing I said would convince him things would ever be any different.
“Right.” He put his hand on mine. “Thanks for trying. I don’t believe a word you said, but thanks for saying it.”
“What’s going on?” The nurse walked up beside me, followed by Talia. “Rob? What happened?”
“Someone decided it would be fun to rebreak my nose, I guess.” Rob touched the bandage. “They did it on purpose. You probably don’t believe me, but the guy said he was doing it on purpose.”
The nurse frowned. “I believe you. Come inside and let’s see if you need to go back to the doctor. Do you know who did it?”
Rob shrugged. “A freshman. I think.”
“We’ll see what we can do about finding him after we get you taken care of. And Ms. Cramer was looking for you, so she can talk to you while you’re in my office.” She put her arm around him. Staff members weren’t supposed to touch students except to break up a fight, but the nurse was an exception. “Talia, thanks for getting me. You and Mira need to go to class.”
I started to argue. I wanted to stick with Rob until I found out whether he would have to go home again. At least until he talked to Ms. Cramer. Then I would be able to make sure she listened to him.
Talia squeezed my hand and shook her head. I closed my mouth. She was right. I wouldn’t be any help to Rob if I went with him. I hadn’t seen anything this time, so I couldn’t tell Ms. Cramer what had happened. If I argued with the nurse, I would only get into trouble.
“I’ll be okay,” Rob said. “See you later.”
“Okay.” I didn’t believe him any more than he’d believed me. He wouldn’t be okay until someone did something to stop people from treating him like a punching bag.
But I didn’t want to argue with him either, so I just stood there while the nurse took him inside.
Rob’s Journal—September 19, 8:00 a.m.
AGAIN. IT frigging happened again.
Why won’t anyone ever leave me alone? Wasn’t sending me to the emergency room yesterday enough?
If Mira had stayed with me on the way inside, it wouldn’t have happened. She’s supposed to stay with me, but she was too busy trying to get into school to pay attention.
Something else would have happened later, though. Even if Mira had stuck with me, someone would have done something later. They always do.
I don’t know what Talia’s deal is. I know she doesn’t like me. She’s jealous because I’ve been friends with Mira longer. As if Mira and I would be interested in each other. She’s not a guy, and I’m not a girl, so it wouldn’t ever happen. But Talia still gets jealous. I know she tells Mira not to talk to me.
How long is it going to be before she gets Mira to bail on me? Mira wouldn’t do it on her own, but if Talia keeps pushing her, she will. Talia’s more important to her than I am. I’m just the weird guy who can’t protect himself.
So here I sit in the damn nurse’s office again, waiting for the pe
rson who married my dad to come pick me up again and take me to the doctor again. The nurse said she doesn’t think the idiot outside did much more damage to my nose, but she still wants me to get checked out.
They probably just don’t want me at school. Whenever I’m here, they have to actually do things like patch me up and listen to me telling them what happened. They don’t really listen. If they did, they would stop it. But they have to pretend to, and it’s just too much work for them. If they send me home, they don’t have to deal with it.
Someday, it’s going to stop. I don’t care what I have to do. It’s going to stop.
Chapter Three
IN THE cafeteria at lunchtime, Rob was at the far end of the table where Talia and I sat. I was glad to see him. I’d been sure he would have to go home again. His nose must not have been as bad as it looked.
Talia was in her usual seat at the table, reading something on her phone and not even glancing at Rob. They’d gone back to ignoring each other. Now I would have to decide which one to talk to.
I made the same choice as outside the salon. Rob was alone. For the moment so was Talia, but that would change. Someone always stopped to talk to her or even changed seats to eat with us. She could wait a couple of minutes while I found out whether Rob was okay. Maybe I would be able to persuade him to sit closer to Talia and me.
I went over and sat beside him. “Your stepmother didn’t take you to the doctor?”
“She did. He changed the bandage.” He touched his nose. “He said it isn’t in any worse shape than yesterday, and to stay away from things that might injure it further. Unfortunately, certain people don’t think he means I should stay away from school.”
“Ugh.” Of course his parents wouldn’t have let him stay home the rest of the day. They’d probably bitched at him about going home early the day before. Missing school was only supposed to happen if he was dead, not if he got knocked around and injured by bullies his parents thought he should have been able to deal with on his own.
“Yeah, well, welcome to my life.” He poked at his sandwich. “I don’t know why I waste money on this stuff. It’s barely edible, and I feel sick anyway.”
“Did you eat anything yet today?”
The corners of his mouth twitched. “I have parents. I don’t need another one. They probably wouldn’t care whether I ate or not, but still. No, Mira, I haven’t eaten anything yet today. I’ve been feeling sick all day.”
I didn’t want to be pushy, but I was worried about him. Someone had to be. “Sometimes if you don’t eat because you feel sick, you end up feeling worse. You should try to have something.”
“Stop telling me what to do.” Even though his expression didn’t change, his tone hardened. “I’ll take care of myself. You don’t have to pretend I’m this important to you.”
“I’m not pretending!” I shivered at a sudden chill. I’d never given Rob any reason to assume I didn’t care about him, but right now he was acting as if he thought exactly that. All I could do was keep telling him he mattered to me.
He’d always believed me before. All the times he’d considered hurting himself, one of the things that had stopped him was knowing I would miss him. Something had changed, and I didn’t like it a bit.
“If you say so.” He touched his sandwich. “Doesn’t it bother Talia when you talk to me instead of her?”
“Why would it? You’ve been my friend longer than she has. She understands.” Maybe giving up time with Talia to talk to Rob would prove to him how important he was to me. He knew how I felt about her, but here I was, sitting with him.
“If you say so,” he said again. “So how come I never see you anymore? You’re always working or with her. You don’t even talk to me much at night.”
I stared at him. I must have crossed into some alternate dimension where I was the one who’d cut our midnight chats short, because I was pretty sure he was the reason we hadn’t been talking much at night. “You’re the one who’s been ending the text chats after a few minutes. I’ve been answering you. I would have kept talking if you had.”
“I’ve been ending them because you don’t want to talk to me,” he said. “You’re tired. You have homework. You have to get up earlier to meet your girlfriend for coffee.”
Instead of sounding angry now, he spoke in a monotone. He didn’t even look at me, just kept poking his sandwich with one finger.
I had to say something. Seeing my best friend hurting so much hurt me, and I needed to make it stop for both of us. He didn’t deserve to feel so crappy, and I didn’t deserve having him think I’d turned my back on him.
Despite how bad I felt for him, he was seriously pissing me off. He knew I would never lie to him, and here he was implying I wasn’t telling the truth. But being angry made me feel even worse, like I was betraying him by feeling that way.
Apparently he’d already made up his mind. He’d checked out of the friendship for now, but I would make sure his funk didn’t last. I could out-stubborn him any day of the week. Maybe he wouldn’t listen, but I was damn well going to try to get through to him. As long as I could stay calm so I wouldn’t end up picking a fight with him.
“You don’t know if I want to talk to you or not.” I tried not to raise my voice. “You aren’t in my brain. You haven’t asked whether I want to talk to you. You’re just assuming, and that isn’t fair.”
“Did I say anything untrue?” He looked at me.
I recoiled. I’d never seen so much pain and hatred in his eyes directed at me. I was the one he didn’t hate.
Those emotions showing so clearly in his gaze and his twisted expression made it hard for me to remind myself he was the gentle, sweet Rob I’d known for the past two years. He wouldn’t hurt me. He didn’t hate me. The way he looked right now was only because he was so upset about what had happened the past couple of days. He didn’t trust anyone at the moment, not even me. Once he realized I was still on his side, he would be okay.
With a deep breath, I settled myself. Everything would be fine. “Yes, you did say something untrue. I do need to sleep and do homework, and I do get up earlier than I used to. I still want to talk to you, though, no matter how tired I am.”
“Really?” He raised his eyebrows. “So if I called you at two in the morning because I couldn’t sleep, you would actually answer and stay on the phone with me?”
“I always have before.” I hadn’t needed to do it often, fortunately. He usually texted instead of calling because we didn’t want our parents to hear us in the middle of the night. But a few times, he’d called. He’d said he needed to hear my voice to help him stay calm.
“Yeah. You have.” He blew out a long breath, and the frightening Rob turned back into the one I wanted to see. He looked down at his tray again. “I don’t know what’s wrong, Mira. Some days I feel okay. I hate coming here, and I don’t really like my parents, but I can handle those things. Then other days, there’s no hope. It’s like, no one else cares, so why should I?”
“I understand.” My heart sank. He was opening up to me, which was good. He still trusted me after all. If only he could trust me to really help him. His pain was even worse than I’d realized, and all I could do was listen and support him.
“I’m glad someone does. I tried telling Dad and his wife how I feel, and they told me to suck it up and get over it. They said they aren’t going to deal with a cry for attention from someone who’s old enough to know better.” He sighed. “I don’t care about attention. I just want to stop feeling this way. And I want to stop being everyone’s target every single day.”
“They’re leaving you alone now.” I glanced around. The only person who was even looking at us was Talia. She smiled and waved, and I smiled back. At least she wasn’t upset. Rob needed me. She didn’t.
Rob needed his parents too. They should have been getting help for him, not acting like he was the problem. I clenched my fist under the table so Rob wouldn’t see. One of these days, if his parents didn’t s
marten up, I would go off on them. They wouldn’t be able to tell me I was just whining and seeking attention.
Then again, they would be able to tell me to get out of their house, and they might say I couldn’t see Rob anymore. That would only make things worse, because then he wouldn’t have anyone on his side.
“Craig and those guys are suspended, and I think Ms. Cramer figured out who hit me this morning and suspended him too.” He finally picked up his sandwich but didn’t bite into it. “Everyone else has ignored me all morning, like someone told them to leave me alone or something. As if anyone would do that, but it’s the only explanation for why I’ve gotten through two class blocks without even being called a fag. It won’t last, though. Some of them must be angry about Craig and the others being suspended. Sooner or later, they’ll get me.”
“Maybe not.” I wished I believed myself. “You had to go to the emergency room yesterday. You have a bandage on your nose and black eyes, and you look like crap. Even morons and jerks have their limits. Maybe they realized people went too far this time.”
“You honestly believe the entire school realized that and decided to stop harassing me?” He snorted. “You’re funny. That isn’t how it works around here. I’m glad no one’s saying or doing anything to me right now, but I don’t trust it. It won’t last.”
I wanted him to be wrong. People might have finally found something better to do than treat him like crap. But I couldn’t argue with him, because I knew he was right. Maybe someone had gotten everyone else off his back for now out of the kindness of their heart, but it almost seemed like there was a conspiracy to make Rob think the bullying was over just so it could get worse.
I took a deep breath and shoved the thoughts away. I’d spent too much time listening to Rob’s paranoid theories, and now I was starting to come up with them myself. It didn’t please me.
