One Perfect Christmas

by Paige Toon

  His dark eyes flash and he takes my face in his hands and stares down at me.

  ‘I could get seriously carried away,’ I say with meaning, touching my hand to his hand. I know I should be at the reception venue to welcome Jessie and Emily and the rest of the guests.

  ‘Later,’ he replies in a low tone. Then he tugs me to him and we walk down the bridge arm in arm.

  I reach up and stroke his beard. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Had to grow it for the part.’ He grins down at me. He’s been filming on location in the Brazilian rainforest. We’ve had to talk via satellite phone over the last three months because the mobile reception has been practically non-existent. ‘I’ll shave it off when we get home,’ he promises.

  Home. The thought sends a thrill through me.

  When I separated from Lukas at the beginning of the year, I moved into a house share, which was the only thing I could afford on my teacher’s salary. It was a lovely little house, and my housemate Lisa was easy enough to live with, but I still felt like I’d returned to my student days. Joe wanted to buy a house for me – he went on and on and on about it – but I resisted, until about two months ago, when he said he was coming to Cambridge to spend Christmas with me. Our first Christmas together. The sale went through last week. In my head, of course, it’s his house, and I’ll look after it for him when he’s not here, which sadly will be often. But he keeps insisting it belongs to both of us.

  His filming schedule has been jam-packed this year, and next year doesn’t look to be any better. His base is in LA – I went over there for the summer holidays, but it felt very surreal. I’m not sure I liked it very much. After that, Joe vowed to spend more time in the UK. It still astounds me that we’ve managed to keep our relationship under wraps. I love that I can have a normal life, with a normal job, even if I do have to listen to my colleague Roxy going on about Joseph Strike all the time. Honestly, she’s obsessed. Every piece of salacious gossip comes directly my way. It’s the thing I find hardest to deal with.

  ‘This place is amazing,’ Joe says, looking around at the historic college buildings as we walk along the narrow streets, the Christmas lights twinkling prettily over our heads. I can see Amy and Ruth up ahead, so we’re not too far behind everyone.

  ‘It’s even lovelier than usual with the snow,’ I say. ‘I’ll show you around at some point.’

  ‘Don’t forget you also promised to take me punting.’

  I laugh. How does he remember me saying that? It was almost a year ago! ‘I haven’t punted in donkeys’ years.’

  ‘I bet you’ll pick it up again quickly.’

  ‘I’ll make you try it,’ I reply.

  ‘Now that will be a good way of drawing attention to ourselves,’ he says with amusement.

  ‘No doubt you’ll be an immediate pro, just like you are with everything else.’

  He laughs and squeezes me and happiness once more courses through my body.

  We reach Magdalene Bridge just in time to see Jessie and Emily arrive at the punting station.

  Everyone cheers and claps as Jessie helps Emily off, and then they begin to lead the way to the reception venue a little way down the river.

  ‘You will come to the reception, won’t you?’ I ask Joe urgently as we hang back a bit.

  He glances up ahead. ‘I don’t know, am I invited?’

  ‘Of course you are. But are you worried about being recognised?’

  ‘Ah, it should be alright, shouldn’t it?’ he asks.

  ‘It should be,’ I reply hesitantly. ‘Anyway, it’s all about Jessie and Emily today, isn’t it?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘They can’t wait to meet you!’

  We walk hand in hand for the last hundred metres or so, but neither of us speaks. I know we’re taking a risk. When our relationship eventually goes public, everything will change. I won’t be able to keep my job, a job I love. Sure, teaching six- and seven-year-olds can be stressful at times, but it’s also fun and often very rewarding, and even more importantly, it’s normal. I know where I stand with it. The idea of being constantly scrutinised and harassed – even hunted down – by everyone from snooping hacks to obsessive girls filled with jealously and hatred… I shudder.

  ‘We don’t have to do this,’ Joe says in a low voice, sensing my anxiety.

  ‘No, it’s okay.’ I grip his hand more tightly, but inside I feel slightly sick. He puts his arm around me and gives me a quick, comforting squeeze, and then we’re at the venue. We’re the last ones to arrive, but Jessie and Emily are waiting for us, their eyes shining with anticipation. They know all about Joseph Strike. It’s hard not to know about him. But they’ve seen all of his films too, and I know they’re huge fans. It’s enough to make my nerves temporarily dissipate.

  ‘Hello!’ I cry.

  ‘Hello!’ Emily squeaks, her eyes darting to Joe.

  ‘Hey,’ Joe says warmly, shaking Jessie’s hand and patting him on his upper arm. ‘Congratulations!’

  ‘Thanks,’ Jessie replies, blushing a deep beetroot colour.

  ‘You look stunning,’ Joe says to Emily, bending down to give her a kiss on her cheek. She also blushes furiously and mumbles a thank you, but I notice now she’s unable to look Joe in the eye.

  ‘Thanks for letting me come,’ Joe says earnestly to them both.

  ‘Of course.’ Jessie shifts on his feet.

  ‘No problem,’ Emily adds. They both seem a little lost for words, but Joe doesn’t appear fazed by their reaction. I guess he’s used to the effect he has on people.

  ‘Here,’ Jessie says, swiping two glasses of champagne for us from a passing waitress’s tray.

  ‘What about you?’ Joe asks, noticing their near-empty glasses.

  ‘Oh yeah.’ Jessie grabs another two.

  ‘Cheers!’ I exclaim and we all chink glasses. Jessie downs half his champagne in one gulp.

  ‘It was such a lovely ceremony.’ I try to break the ice.

  ‘It was,’ Joe agrees. ‘Where are you going on your honeymoon?’

  ‘Austria,’ Jessie replies. ‘I’m going to teach Em how to snowboard.’

  Emily rolls her eyes. ‘Good luck with that.’

  He chuckles and kisses her temple. She blushes again.

  ‘I wish I knew how to snowboard,’ Joe muses.

  ‘Haven’t you ever been?’ Jessie asks with surprise.

  ‘Nope. Never got a chance.’

  ‘You should come with us sometime!’ Jessie exclaims.

  ‘That would be great,’ Joe replies sincerely. ‘You teach it, don’t you?’

  ‘I used to.’ Jessie nods. I’m impressed Joe remembers this, actually.

  ‘Maybe you could teach me.’

  Jessie looks pleased. ‘Absolutely. I’ll get some practice in on my wife, first.’

  Emily smacks him on his arm. ‘You’ll be lucky.’

  ‘You guys are MARRIED!’ I suddenly squeal, and they both laugh. They’ve visibly relaxed, thankfully.

  ‘Are you looking forward to seeing your new house?’ Jessie asks Joe.

  ‘I can’t wait. Is it alright?’

  ‘I don’t know. She wouldn’t let anyone else see it until you had.’ He gives me his best unimpressed look.

  ‘Aw, really?’ Joe peers down at me, his eyes twinkling.

  ‘But now that you’re here…’ I say, giving Joe a look. He nods and I turn back to Jessie and Emily. ‘You could pop over tomorrow, if you’d like to?’

  ‘We’d love to!’ Emily gushes eagerly.

  ‘That would be great,’ Jessie agrees.

  ‘Jessie! Emily!’ We all look over to see Judy waving. She spots me and comes over. ‘I should have known I’d find you three together, again.’ She glances at Joe.

  ‘Mum, this is Joe,’ Jessie introduces them.

  ‘Hello!’ She smiles brightly, but there’s no trace of recognition. One down, ninety-odd to go.

  ‘Can you and Emily come and chat to your Great Uncle Gerard, d
arling? I don’t know how long he’ll last before he’ll nod off.’

  ‘Sure, Mum,’ Jessie replies in a resigned tone. ‘See you later,’ he says to us, taking Emily’s hand and leading her away.

  Joe smiles at me.

  ‘Shall we find a dark corner?’ I ask him.

  He raises one eyebrow at me. God, he’s sexy.

  ‘Oi,’ I gently berate. ‘Enough of that.’

  He looks past me and nods to the far corner of the room, where there’s an empty booth. ‘Over there.’

  He leads the way, and I’m intensely aware of every glance, but no one does a double take. The beard is an excellent disguise, and who would expect Joseph Strike to be here, anyway?

  I slide into the secluded booth and he joins me, our thighs pressing together under the table. Suddenly the air between us is charged with electricity. I turn to face him and we stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment, before he kisses me tenderly on my lips. It’s over far too quickly. This is not the time or the place, and we both know it.

  ‘I missed you.’

  These words come out of our mouths at exactly the same time and we both laugh. He touches his hand to my cheek.

  ‘You look so beautiful.’

  I smile back at him. ‘You look pretty damn sexy yourself.’

  ‘Even with the beard?’

  ‘Even with the beard,’ I confirm. I place my hand on his chest, which definitely feels bigger than it was before. ‘Have you had to bulk up for this part?’ I ask curiously.

  He looks a bit embarrassed. ‘Yeah. It’s been pretty full on.’

  ‘Dodgy macrobiotic diets?’ I ask with amusement. I’ve teased him about this before.

  ‘Unfortunately, yes.’ He rolls his eyes. ‘But not anymore.’

  He’s just finished filming an action thriller called The Darkest Side. All that’s left for him to do now is record some voiceover stuff in LA in January.

  ‘Done with all those bare-chested shots on location, then?’ I say playfully.

  ‘Yep. The only place you’ll see me bare-chested anytime soon is in the bedroom,’ he replies with a raised eyebrow.

  ‘Only in the bedroom?’ I pretend to be put out. ‘We have a very nice rug in front of a very nice log fire.’

  He smiles and kisses me on my lips. ‘I like that you just said “we”.’

  I giggle. ‘Actually, I brought the rug with me from my last place, so technically it’s mine. But I’m very happy to share it with you.’

  ‘As long as you don’t share it with anybody else,’ he warns.

  His brow furrows and he looks away. There’s an immediate change in the atmosphere.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask with confusion.

  ‘Nothing. Just ignore me.’ He takes a sip of his drink, but doesn’t meet my eyes.

  ‘I can’t just ignore you. Tell me.’

  He looks hesitant. ‘Did you and… Lukas… ever…’

  ‘No!’ I cry, horrified. The thought of making love to Joe on the same rug as I did with my husband… ‘No! The rug is new,’ I clarify. ‘I bought it when I moved in with my housemate.’

  ‘Oh.’ He exhales loudly. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Hey.’ I take his hand and squeeze it, then try to think of something to say to change the subject, but I’m not quick enough.

  ‘Have you seen him recently?’ he asks.

  ‘I saw him about a month ago,’ I reply quietly. ‘He came back to help sort out our things.’

  I couldn’t persuade Lukas to sell our house at first, so we let it out on a six-month rental. The tenants vacated the property at the beginning of November, and Lukas agreed to put it up for sale. We received four offers in its first weekend. Newnham is a very popular area of Cambridge – properties don’t come up that often. We’re due to exchange this week and complete the week after. The new owners want to be in in time for Christmas.

  Joe’s jaw has tensed. I can see this, even under his bushy beard. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘That I’d seen him?’ I check.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I barely got to talk to you in Brazil. I was hardly going to ruin our conversations by bringing up Lukas.’

  He lets go of my hand and takes another drink, trying to feign nonchalance. ‘Fair enough.’ But I can see straight through him.

  I can’t actually believe that Joe told me that he would still want me, even if Lukas took me back. The idea of secretly slipping away from my husband for passionate trysts with Joe on the rare occasion that he’s not filming… Even if Lukas were blissfully unaware of what was going on, Joe gets so jealous. I think we can safely say that staying married to Lukas would never have worked, even if I’d wanted it to. Which I didn’t. I could never have done that.

  But I could have if I’d wanted to…

  Seven months ago

  There’s a pounding on the door. I’m upstairs getting ready for bed and Lisa, my housemate, is out at the movies with her new boyfriend. It’s pouring with rain outside – I can hear it pelting against the windows. Who would be calling at this hour? I consider ignoring it, but the pounding starts up again. I pull on my dressing gown and traipse down the stairs. ‘Who’s there?’ I shout, not wanting to open the door to a stranger. We don’t have a peephole.

  ‘Open up!’

  Lukas! I wrench the door open and see him standing there. Rain runs off his dark blond hair and down his chiselled face, which is tanned, even in early May. His blue eyes look desperate as he regards me with misery.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  At least he has the decency to ask this time.

  Guilt washes through me, my unwelcome companion whenever Lukas is around. ‘Of course.’ I take a step backwards and he enters. ‘Let me get you a towel.’

  He’s still standing in the hall when I return.

  ‘You’re soaked through!’ I exclaim, seeing the full extent of the rain’s damage. I recognise that jacket. It’s his light grey Hugo Boss one – my favourite – but thanks to the rain it looks charcoal coloured. He’s trying to shrug it off, but the wet fabric is sticking to his shirt and making it difficult. I help him out of it and notice that even his white shirt is transparent.

  ‘Oh, Lukas,’ I murmur with dismay. ‘Did you walk here?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I look up at him, but he’s steadfastly staring at the floor.

  ‘Have my dressing gown.’ I take it off and hand it over. I’m only wearing my PJs underneath.

  He says nothing as he puts it on the banister and starts to unbutton his shirt.

  ‘I’ll make you a coffee.’

  I hurry out of the hallway, turning the heating back on as I pass the boiler cupboard. I wonder what he’s doing here?

  Lukas is in the living room when I return with his coffee. He looks so unfamiliar. It doesn’t help that he’s wearing my fluffy white dressing gown.

  ‘Where are your clothes?’

  He nods towards the table. I take the pile and start to lay them out on the radiators. ‘Have a seat,’ I direct him. He slumps onto the sofa. I pass him his coffee and sit in the opposite armchair. He doesn’t speak for a while, so I have to prompt him.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  His blue eyes fly up to penetrate mine, and the agony I see in them is unbearable. ‘I miss you.’

  I avert my gaze. ‘Lukas…’

  ‘Alice,’ he interrupts. ‘Why are you doing this?’

  ‘You know why, Lukas.’ I sound resigned. We’ve been here before. Many, many times.

  ‘Have you seen him yet?’ he asks, a look of hope flitting across his features.

  I swallow. ‘Yes.’

  He visibly slumps. ‘I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t heard anything.’ I know one of his greatest fears has been the idea of reading about us in the papers. ‘Did you go to Australia?’ he asks.

  ‘Yes.’

  Joe has been filming on location Down Under. I couldn’t go during half term, and the distance was agonising, so I went there
for the Easter holidays. I hadn’t seen him since New Year’s Day, when we said our goodbyes at Wareham train station in Dorset. After that he had to fly home to LA and then on to the Outback and I had to return to Cambridge to sort out my screwed-up life.

  ‘When did you get back?’ he asks.

  ‘On the weekend.’

  ‘What was it like?’ Lukas’s voice is pained.

  ‘It was… fine,’ I say carefully.

  The truth is, it was difficult. More difficult than I had imagined. Of course, at first it was blissful. Making love to Joe in his trailer after months apart, feeling with absolute certainty that I was doing the right thing in leaving a husband who loves me. But it was hard, too. Joe spent most of his days, and several of his nights, filming. Rumours had been flying around about him and his beautiful co-star for weeks, and I hated seeing him with her. And because we were trying to keep our relationship under wraps, I had to pretend to be his personal masseuse. We joked at my job description at first, but it started to feel wrong. Sordid, in a way.

  Joe didn’t want it to be like that. He wanted to tell everyone that I was Alice – the Alice that he spoke about on live television back in December. His first love, the girl that he could never get over. My friend Lizzy saw that interview and called the TV station. That was how we got back in touch. I had never been able to forget him, even though I had married Lukas. And when Joe became a superstar, it was even harder to put him out of my mind, because he was everywhere. I needed to know why he never came for me all those years ago. We met in Dorset when we were both eighteen – lost ourselves in each other, to each other – and then were torn apart. The next time I heard anything about him was years later when Lizzy showed me a DVD on my wedding day. A kick-boxing documentary called Strike. She’d watched it the night before and recognised Joe – she’d come to visit me in Dorset for a couple of days. But this man was called Joseph Strike – he’d changed his name and I felt like I didn’t know him, that that part of my life was over. But it wasn’t. Even after I married Lukas, I never stopped thinking about Joe, wondering what had happened to him. Running away to a cottage in Dorset together was supposed to be about getting answers and finding closure, but even after nine and a half years, we fell so deeply in love again that we knew we could never let each other go. Lukas found us at the cottage. He was so angry… I believed he would never forgive me. But Joe thought otherwise. He thought Lukas would want me back, and he was scared that I’d choose an ordinary, private life with a normal man, instead of a relationship with one of the most sought after people in the world… What sort of a life would that be? I knew it would be challenging. But once I’d found Joe again, fallen for him all over again, my decision was set in stone.