Still grasping my phone in my hand, I shove both hands in my pocket to avoid pulling her back to me and making a fool of myself.
I want you … I love you … I need you … all fly through my head and work their way to the tip of my tongue, begging to be said, but I don’t.
“Alyssa, can we go outside and talk?” The ache in my heart breaks through and my voice quivers out in pain with my words.
I look down as her hand flinches a fraction towards me. Instantly looking back to her eyes for a trace of what is going through her head, her defiant expression that has masked her face the last several times we’ve had a run in, has softened. For a moment I think I have her won …
“Just the two I was looking for,” Bethany’s voice breaks through our seclusion and nearly sends me through the roof with frustration.
I swear this girl plans her interruptions; just like Evan; only Evan knows when to back off! My head pounds in irritation to the point of bursting.
“Ok so I keep catching you two talking like you’ve known each other forever. So spill … what are ya’ll chatting about all the time?”
My eyes widen and I glance at Alyssa with a smirk that I definitely cannot hide. I’d like to grab a bull horn and holler out at the top of my lungs … finally, Bethany … you’re getting a clue. It would be so much easier if this was all out in the open. I’m still a little confused as to why Bethany wouldn’t know about Alyssa’s summer with me, but I’ll play along. Eyeing Alyssa, I eagerly wait for how she will talk her way out of this.
“We were just discussing school and fall season football. You know, since him and Kyle both play.”
Her answer both amuses me and serves as a reminder as to why I should be pissed off. Frankly, I cannot believe she used his name and mine in the same sentence, let alone right in front of me. What a slap in the face.
A mist of beer shoots out of Bethany’s mouth as she drunkenly rants on about school and partying, but I keep my eyes on Alyssa, tuning out every word that drops from her mouth.
“You play football?”
Bethany’s question catches me off guard until I realize this is the perfect gateway for cluing Alyssa in on a part of my life; she’s got to wonder why I’m not at UCLA, yet she’s never asked. That alone crushes me that she cares that little for me. My head whirls with confusion on what the hell is going on with her. There are so many crucial pieces of this puzzle that seem to be missing. I only want a chance to understand; I need to, or this hole in my heart may swallow me up.
“No … I don’t play. I used to play,” I say calmly, not caring in the least if Bethany notices how I cannot take my eyes off Alyssa.
She stares at me with a wounded expression, a crease forming between her eyebrows and her glassy eyes taking on a tint of remorse.
“We have a little surprise for the Birthday Girl! So if everyone could make their way out to the parking lot, we can fire it up!” The MC announces, bringing a small smile to my face.
Looking completely mystified by either my reply or by the knowledge there is a surprise waiting for her outside, Alyssa looks at me wide eyed with her lips parted as if she is on the verge of saying something. Bethany, true to her interfering-self, swiftly grabs her by the arm and Alyssa clamps her mouth shut, giving me a long look before Bethany drags her out the door for her grand finale.
As the mass of people flood out the door; I get held up behind a couple lollygaggers taking their sweet time, but manage to get outside and within a couple bodies of Alyssa. As soon as the first boom goes off, Ooo’s and Ahh’s sound all around, however I don’t bother to look up. My eyes automatically drift to Alyssa, my heart hammering in anticipation of her reaction. At this point I’m not sure if this subtle attempt at getting her attention will make her angry, sad or happy, but I’m hoping it stirs up a storm of nostalgia in her heart.
Blood races through my veins as my heart rate picks up at the expression on her face. Bethany and Abby both stand by her side saying something, but the look of utter shock and surprise on her face is unmistakable. Sparks of light above us illuminate everyone in the dark parking lot, but all I see is her. Her eyes swing over to mine and I see it; she’s remembering the night we spent under the spray of fireworks. Her face is etched in pain, yearning and tenderness all wrapped together to create one of the most beautiful expressions I’ve ever seen.
Pulling my brows together in sorrow of these many missed months together, I open my mouth ready to spill out all the feelings my heart holds for her. She stares at me with an equal amount of love and regret and at this very moment, if I told her I love her, I have no doubt that she would say it back.
Just as the words are about to slide over my tongue and spill out of my mouth, I remember how much she had to drink earlier.
I pause, wanting her full awareness when I say those words again, so I take a quick detour and say the words that make the most sense at this time, “Happy birthday.” My voice comes out in a low whisper and although no one else could possibly hear above all the cracks and booms overhead, I know she did.
She offers me a small, loving smile then quickly slides away in the direction of her apartment, only a second after the last firework explodes in the sky. Barreling through the sea of people cascading back inside the building, I try to catch up with her. Not even thinking about it, I round the corner of her apartment complex not far behind her and watch as she slips inside. Quietly, I guide myself to the door, but as soon as I see her, Alyssa’s phone chimes and she lifts it to her ear. My heart is still soaring with hope and optimism for us, but with one word all of that is swept away.
“Hi Kyle,” she says in a quivery tone, walking into her apartment and turning just enough for me to catch a glimpse of her tear-streaked face.
The last thing I notice as her body disappears through the door is the small smile that emerges on her face as she grips the phone to her ear, hanging on to whatever he is saying to her. Turning away from the door, I meld my back against the cold brick surface of her building, feeling the uneven, sharp edges of brick jab into my skin. There for a minute, I was so lost in her that I overlooked how she threw me aside, all to go back to a guy that did the same to her only for a moment of pleasure. I made her cry, he made her smile.
Shaking my head, I bolt away from the building toward my truck with the fabric of my shirt clutched in my hand so hard that it feels as though the blood supply to my knuckles has been cut off. A razor sharp pain slices through my heart and it is all I can do to hold it together from shattering. All I care to do at this point is drag myself back home and fall into bed, hoping that sleep will wash away all the emotions from this night. I’m done!
THE NEXT DAY I wake up with a renewed sense of faith and urgency blazing through every ounce of my body. Last night I felt hopeless, but a new day brings determination; I have to see her; I have to get to the bottom of this once and for all. There is no way I will be able to move on until I hear her say she doesn’t love me, that she never did. I need to hear that she wanted him all along and not me, that I was just a side-line until she got back home to take him back. Until those words flow from her mouth, I will forever sway back and forth between anger and hope, hurt and happiness; I will always, always wonder why.
With no morning classes, I head out the door an hour before Evan wakes and fly to the work site that I am helping to oversee. After sliding my key into the padlock on the chain link fence that surrounds the site of the soon to be new downtown mall, I push the gate fully open then jump back into my truck.
Once I’m parked in front of the tiny white trailer that I spend most of my time in during work hours, I jump out and run inside to get my day started. I just need to stay busy until this evening, then I have every intention of marching over to Alyssa’s apartment and demanding we talk. She avoids any amount of confrontation with me, so it’s obvious that I will have to catch her at a susceptible point when she cannot run away from all that needs to be discussed.
Hours stretch on a
nd glancing at the clock becomes almost torturous. Some early morning drama and stupidity at least manages to keep me busy until it is mid-morning and time for me to clock out. Luckily, today is jam packed with an early physical therapy appointment so when 10:30 comes, I head to my truck ready to get it over with.
Throwing my hand up in the air to wave at Evan as he drives onto the lot, I hop into my truck, slam the door and fire up the engine to head out. He stops his truck beside mine and rolls down his window as I’m pulling out.
“Hey, anything interesting going on or can I just go back home?” Evan says with a grin.
“Not much. I had to send one of the guys to get his back checked out. I don’t know if he is planning a career in weight lifting or if he suddenly thinks he is a super hero, but he was trying to move one of those steel beams by hand. Dumbass could barely stand straight when I got over there, so I had Jerry run him to get it looked at. I called your grandfather and let him know. There are also a couple loads of cement that should be on their way, but it was held up so I told those guys to finish what they could and head for an early lunch.”
Evan shakes his head, taking everything in. “You got class?”
“No, therapy.”
“Aren’t you almost done with those?”
I laugh, raising my shoulder up to test it out.
“It feels pretty good, but my muscles get fatigued easily.”
Evan laughs, a shitty ass grin forming over his face. “Use your hand a little more, that’ll help get the muscles back in shape.”
Rolling my eyes with a sigh, I shake my head at Evan. “Bye, Evan.” Throwing my hand up in the air, I speed off as I hear him laughing over his own joke.
My therapy session goes smoothly, as always, and after a brief lecture on how I am putting too much stress on my shoulder too quickly and following several silly band exercises, I head through a drive-thru then over to the college for three afternoon classes. By the time my last class lets out and I make it back to my truck my dashboard clock reads 4:55.
The whole way to Alyssa’s apartment, my speedometer reads ten miles over the speed limit, but my pulse races faster. Pulling into the front of her apartment building, I see car after car pulling into the back lot by the hall and spilling out into their parking lot. Knowing I will never find a spot, I choose to park along the road adjacent to the building.
Gripping my keys in my hand tightly, I hop out, dodge oncoming cars to get across the street and sprint to her door.
My knuckles drum against the solid wood door creating an echo in the vacant hall as I stand there silently, staring at the faded red paint and square patterns on the door. Impatience ricochets off every nerve in my body pulling up an overpowering excitement and anxiety within me. A minute passes by and all my nervousness starts to unravel, creating a knot in my belly. Raising my arm, I tap my fist to the door once again, this time with more force and vigor. Once my arm drops back down to my side, a throbbing flares all the way up into my shoulder.
Eagerly waiting and hoping that the door will fly open, I turn and lean against the wall beside the door. What now? I didn’t even think that she may not be home. Turning my head sideways, I look at the quiet lonely door with all my excitement, hope, and determination slowly dripping into the pit of my stomach.
Not moving an inch but ready to jump out of my skin with impatience, I rap my knuckles on the door one final time before I give up. I keep my arm raised, my hand only millimeters from the door. Everything in my body seems to have paused as I hold my breath and silently wait, straining to hear inside the apartment for any movement or sound. Slowly all the sounds in my body pierce my ear drums as I hear the steady beat of my heart, the wisp of my eyelashes as I blink and even the moist sounds of me gulping down the last bit of hope I have left.
I give up and head back to my truck, with my head hung low and both hands shoved in my pockets. Feeling a little like a child who just lost a game of kickball, I take my frustrations out on a stone in my pathway by kicking it across the road.
After hopping into my truck, I insert the key in the ignition and jump from the sudden chime of my phone breaking through the silence. I temporarily abandon my keys, leaving them dangling in my truck as I fetch my phone from my pocket.
Once I see Bethany’s name, my disappointment in my evening plans quickly turn to irritation, until I read the beginning of her message. Hey handsome! How about you come have a bite to eat on me? :P Alyssa just …
My eyes widen and I swipe the screen to read the full text, curiosity racing through my veins when I see Alyssa’s name.
Bethany: Hey handsome! How about you come have a bite to eat on me? ;)
Alyssa just left to head back home and now I am all by my lonesome and it is super slow! Any chance you would be up for a free meal and a visit? Maybe after we can go back to my place to hang out? :0)
My first instinct is aggravation, since the winky-face following the “a bite on me” comment says she clearly cannot take a hint, but then I see that she says Alyssa is headed home. Immediately, I look up at the parking lot, my eyes fly past the traffic flowing into the conference center behind the complex. The same car that Alyssa was driving the day she raced away from me on campus still perfectly parked to the left side of the building.
Me: Thanks for the offer, but I have something going on.
I type out a simple response, hit send then throw my phone onto the seat beside me, not caring whether or not she'll text back.
Looking back up at her car and listening to the chaotic ramblings of my mind wondering if she is out to dinner with another guy, I sigh and slam my hands to the wheel. I should just leave. With the smooth metal of my key pinched between my fingers, I stop all efforts of leaving and freeze, staring straight ahead down the sidewalk. A small, slender figure walks into view and even though the face is not clear, there is no mistaking the curves of her body.
I jerk the keys out of the ignition and rise up off the seat to slide them back in my pocket right as she walks up to her building. The front light of the complex cascades over her silhouette as she walks to the door, bouncing off her long, blonde hair and making my pulse quicken with eagerness to see her.
As she steps inside, I fling the door of my truck open, jet out into the night air and sprint across the street, ready to get all that has been between us for the last several months out of the way once and for all.
It takes all of a few seconds for me to make it back to her door. Wasting not a single minute longer, I tap my fist to the door lightly, suddenly nervous, then wait … and wait … and wait. My patience has worn thin and my jittery insides are flipping, spinning and whirling about. Come on, Alyssa, answer the door.
My hand falls to the knob and I stare ahead, my face so close to the door that I can nearly feel the vibrations of the earth through it. Gritting my teeth, I test the knob to see if it is locked. When it lets out a clicking sound and refuses to move any further, my heart plummets. Locked … dammit.
Without a second to think about it, I reach into my pocket and pull out my keys with a smile on my face. That’s right. Staring down at the extra key that has found a resting place on my keychain this week, I silently say my thanks to Bethany.
As soon as I slide it into the knob and hear the familiar clicking of the lock, a sigh trembles out of my mouth. Aware that breaking in will more than likely startle her, I push the door open slowly, ready for my ears to be greeted with a scream from my intrusion.
Holding it at arm’s length, my eyes widen as I see the orange sweater that I swore I saw on Alyssa just a few minutes ago, sitting on the floor not far from me. Picking up on the sounds of running water directly in front of me, my eyes dart over a path of garments ending in a pair of black lace panties right in front of the closed bathroom door. My eyebrows draw upward in amusement. What do you know … a shower.
The corners of my mouth twitch until I am smiling from ear-to-ear with memories of Alyssa and I caught up in the moment in the lake shower
house. I shake my head and chuckle; this is precisely the exact opportunity I’ve been waiting for. Now she can’t run or refuse to talk to me and I really don’t give a damn how creepy this may seem; this is me and Alyssa.
Crossing the room, I have one thing on my mind and it is not sex or seeing her naked. I want answers; I want to know what the hell happened, finally.
As my hand wraps around the bathroom door knob, I silently pray for courage and strength to accept whatever her answers may be, with grace and maturity. After my quiet plea, I turn the knob and step into a steam-filled bathroom, my heart pounding up into my throat.
Stopping right past the doorway, I see a small wooden vanity only a couple feet from the shower. Although the shower curtain is a thick, white vinyl material, I can still see her silhouette as she stops what she’s doing and frantically looks around.
“Hello!” Her trembling voice calls out, “Bethany, is that you?”
Guilt burns in my chest, knowing that I have scared her.
“No, it’s me.” I speak up, seeing that she has picked up an oblong bottle, more than likely hell bent on launching it at her mystery intruder’s head.
The sudden movement of the shower curtain being torn to the side and Alyssa’s barely covered dripping wet body, instantly have my attention.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” she snaps out.
The way her brows crease and her forehead crinkles has me second thinking my plan of confronting her, yet something about the way she stands there with a shampoo bottle clutched in her hand as a form of defense is pretty comical. A part of me really just wants to forget the drama and ask her, “Really, Alyssa … a shampoo bottle?”
Holding back all my desires to look further down than her chin, and trying my best not to snicker from how riled up she is, I slouch back against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest and my feet over one another.
“Well, I’ve been trying to talk to you all week so I figured my best bet was to catch you in a compromised position …” I chuckle, looking dead ahead at her face. Don’t look down, don’t look down! “… like this. That way you can’t run away,” I finish, clearing my throat to keep from laughing.
Catch My Breath Page 29
