Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  She cuts me off and my entire body heats up with anxiety and embarrassment as I scrunch up my face in fear of her response to my confession.

  “Judd, it’s ok,” she says, squeezing my hand tightly to her chest. “You know, I let Kyle kiss me the night of the frat party and it could have gone further, but as soon as it happened you’re all I could think about.”

  My jaw tightens and visions of him touching her surface in my mind, making me ball my hands into fists.

  Obviously feeling the tension in my body as well as my hand clutched beneath hers, she goes on in a soothing tone, “My point is … we both thought the other had moved on. I’m not going to be angry or hurt from anything that happened during that time. I have no right to.”

  I loosen the grip of my hand with her words and she immediately threads her hand through mine, causing a wave of relief to break open inside of me. The truck vibrates with the passing of a semi on the interstate, concealing my shaking body and pounding heart.

  “Besides … the fact that neither of us could go any further is sort of a testament to how much we love each other, right?” She gives me a beautiful smile and my heartbeat kicks up. “None of it matters. It’s like you said, we’re together now so let’s focus on that and not the past.”

  I suck in a deep breath and draw her into my arms, not completely sure I’ll ever be able to pull away. She has no idea how true that is. It is only with her that I can truly let go of the past. Once I met her, my past stopped holding me back. The loss of Mom and Dad no longer felt as if it decided my future for me.

  After a few more minutes of basking in the security of knowing that we can survive anything as long as we have each other, I throw the truck into drive and merge back onto the road. Exit 121 to Fairview comes up quickly and although there are three more exits past this one, I know exactly where I am going.

  Right as my hand gets ready to hit the turn signal, Alyssa speaks up, “Take this exit then make a left.”

  I turn my head as I slide onto the exit ramp and give her an all knowing smile.

  “I know where I’m going.” I laugh. Now for my next confession.

  “After I got out of the hospital, I ummm … sort of made a pit stop.”

  From the corner of my eyes, I catch her snapping around to look at me.

  “You came to my house,” she gasps in disbelief

  With my jaw clamped down in apprehension, I grit my teeth wondering how much of a stalker this may make me look like.

  “Aaaah, yeah,” I spit out and glance over.

  She smiles, causing me to crinkle up my face with a grin and restoring my confidence in admitting my need to see her.

  “I came by because I wanted to talk to you.” She stares at me with a question in her expression, so I go on, “You and umm … your ex and I think your dad pulled up. I watched from across the street as you both helped him inside.”

  I leave out all that I felt about her being with her ex, because we’ve already established that none of that matters. Honestly, I will always harbor hard feelings toward him for his deceit when I called Alyssa that day. After all, I would have been with her this whole time had it not been for his stupid ass lying to me, but I will let that go. I got her back in the end so in my head I am already sticking out my tongue at him, chanting “in your face” and doing a celebratory fist-pump in the air.

  Recognition lights up her face, as she opens her mouth, “Oh,” she sounds sad and it hurts me to hear it. “That was probably one of his chemo appointments. Kyle helped me take him to a couple. They made him real sick and pretty weak.”

  She kneads her hands together in her lap and I quickly scoop one up, bringing her knuckles to my lips to let her know I am here, that I understand, that I’m hurting with her and that I am not going anywhere.

  Five minutes later we pull into her driveway and I jump out with Alyssa quickly on my heels. She grabs my hand in hers, dragging me up the stairway to the door like I’m some cartoon character digging my feet into the dirt in resistance.

  As soon as I stumble through the doorway, sweat tickles my skin, my heart thuds up into my ears and my nerves erupt like a volcano.

  Being nearly a whole head taller than Alyssa, I quickly find no matter how anxious I am there’s no way to hide. My eyes immediately collide with a blonde that is just as gorgeous as Alyssa and definitely doesn’t look old enough to be her mom.

  “Hey sweetie,” she says, crossing the room with Abby and a man that I assume is Alyssa’s dad.

  “Hi Mom,” the woman pulls Alyssa into a huge hug, giving me a small smile over her shoulder.

  Drawing my eyebrows up, I smile back, but cannot open my mouth to even say hi. That’s her mom? The extreme amount of nervousness that is racing through my blood stream has apparently woven my mouth shut and has me holding my breath, until I hear my name.

  “Hey Judd. How have you been?” Abby says, folding her arms across her chest and squinting her eyes as if she’s trying to zone into my brain waves.

  “Hey …” I start.

  “Abby, can I talk to you?” Alyssa quickly pulls away from an embrace with her mother and father, hauling her sister along with her and leaving me in the completely awkward situation of facing her parents alone.

  “You must be Judd?” her mom speaks up, allowing me to relax a little.

  Clearing my throat, I smile and stick my hand out to shake hers. “Yes ma’am, you must be Alyssa’s mom?”

  “Angela,” she says, putting her hand to her chest then letting out a laugh. The sparkle in her blue eyes and the way her cheeks rise into perfect circles, reminds me of Alyssa. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” With that she engulfs me in a warm, welcoming hug that has my heart tripping all over itself with nostalgia.

  There is something unmistakable about a mother’s hug. It’s warm and nurturing and usually comes at the exact moment when you need it most, but never realized how bad. I swear as soon as babies are born they pull the mom’s aside and teach them how to hug; how to kiss your wounds and how to love so effortlessly that simply the sound of their voice makes the world better.

  I wrap my arms around her in return and close my eyes, remembering how my mom used to hug. God, she gave good hugs; they were life altering and until this moment, I forgot how much I missed them.

  Angela says something, but I cannot even focus on her words. For a brief second, I’m feeling my mom’s arms around me, the way she would rub my back and whisper words of wisdom or encouragement in my ear. At first when she got sick, it was barely noticeable, but as time moved on it was unmistakable. A year before she died she experienced paralyses in her limbs and her arms lied vacant at her side no longer able to wrap around us. When I would sit with her, I would hold her hand and wonder if she needed to be hugged as bad as I needed her to hug me.

  Pulling away before Angela thinks I’m a weirdo from clinging to her, she squeezes my shoulders and looks at me.

  “It is so good to finally meet you. Alyssa has said very good things,” she goes on then crushes me in another small hug. Her words have me somewhat confused considering this whole time Alyssa thought I was a player and moved on to her roommate. Maybe her mom is just being nice.

  “Judd,” her dad says with a nod of his head as Angela steps aside. He quickly grips my hand in a firm handshake, looking at me suspiciously.

  This is where my adrenaline level should shoot through the roof, fearing what her dad thinks of me. I hope he doesn’t know I slept with his daughter, but the mere fact that I broke her heart is enough for a dad to want to break me.

  “Good to meet you, son,” he adds then slips a little closer to me. For a moment I think he is going to hug me as well so I raise my arms to the side. Instead he places one hand on my shoulder, looks me square in the eyes and says, “Do I need to keep my gun handy with you around?”

  My mouth and eyes both widen in alarm. I joked with Alyssa about this, but I truly did not expect it. Do fathers really say this? I guess so! Holy shit, I
want to vomit!

  Or run!

  I open my mouth in an attempt to croak out a response that can excuse me for months of trauma he might feel I caused his daughter and possibly an apology for what he may view as me stealing her innocence. Before I can muster so much as a word, he bursts into laughter that has me letting out a stunned breath as he squeezes me in a slap-on-the-back hug.

  Leaning towards my ear to speak, I realize he is a bit shorter than me and so frail-like that I’m afraid he may collapse if I reciprocate his friendly gesture.

  “I’m only kidding. It’s nice to meet you, Judd.”

  I break out in a huge smile of relief and breathe. I didn’t even realize I had held my breath. Restoring the air in my lungs and probably the color to my face, I give him a gentle pat on the back before we break away, him with a kind smile that makes me feel perfectly at ease.

  “I’m Alex and we are very glad to have you. Abby told us we were going to have an extra member of the family this weekend.”

  His statement has me feeling all sorts of uncomfortable like I just planned a sleep over at a girls dormitory.

  “Yeah, Alyssa …” I start to explain right as Alyssa’s velvety, soft fingers thread through mine and have my heart drumming to an entirely different beat. A single touch from her replaces all my anxiety with absolute affection and love as I look over to her.

  “I hope you don’t mind. I asked him to spend the weekend.” Her other hand entwines with our already joined hands and she looks up at me, with a breathtakingly beautiful smile. “We have a lot to catch up on so I just didn’t want to miss a minute,” she easily explains our intentions.

  I stare over at her and for a minute I forget we are surrounded by her family, because I am completely lost in the depths of her ice blue eyes.

  “Oh geez, get a room!” Abby’s voice calls out, breaking the enchantment that Alyssa and I have became so used to when we’re together.

  My eyes instantly flick from Alex to Angela then down to the floor. Get a room … perfect wording, Abby. No doubt her dad is planning on keeping that gun by his bed this weekend.

  “Oh Abby, leave them alone.” Her mom waves her hands in the air while her dad gives me a grin that I’m not sure how to read. “Are you two hungry?” Angela asks, her voice filled with excitement.

  “Starving,” Alyssa says as my stomach grumbles in agreement.

  In no time at all, I feel at ease, completely welcome and with a full belly thanks to her mom.

  After lunch, Alyssa shows me around the house making sure to give me an at-length tour of her dad’s workshop. I don’t miss how her hand smoothes over each tool as she talks like they are priceless jewels that should be displayed in a museum. It’s no secret how much she loves her dad and that makes me fall even deeper in love with her.

  Nearly an hour passes by with just the two of us rummaging through her dad’s somewhat abandoned looking work bench and all the left behind projects that never got to reach their full potential.

  Coming back into the house from the garage, we all gather in the kitchen, and although I’ve been away from the whole family scene for years, it’s oddly familiar. Looking around, I catch glimpses of my mom and dad’s playful banter as my brothers and I would set the table.

  Glancing away from Alyssa and the flirty game of footsy we have going on under the kitchen table while everyone else works to prepare dinner, I notice how much of a struggle it seems to be for her dad to get from one side of the room to the next. He slept most of the afternoon, but it doesn’t take a genius to see how ghostly white, thin and weak he is. Honestly, it would take a load off my mind if he would plant himself in a comfortable seat and leave the rest to all of us.

  Letting go of Alyssa’s hand, I dart over to the counter and grab the plate of pork chops that he is working so hard to get to.

  “I’ll get those,” I announce, scooping up the plate along with a large bag of corn. “Do these get grilled, too?”

  Angela flashes me a confused look.

  “I was just going to boil them. Are they good grilled? I’ve never made them that way.”

  I immediately smile, feeling useful. “Oh yeah … Tristan …” Wait they don’t know my brother. “umm … my brother, makes them like that all the time. You just grill them up husk and all,” I proudly tell her, excitement buzzing through me with the memory.

  We used to help Dad grill when we were little. It was the one normal pastime that we kept up after he left; everything else seemed to change with no more late night movies, no more big holidays. We eventually even stopped going to church when Mom got too weak. Grilling and backyard dinners were the one thing that stayed the same. I guess we had to eat, but I never missed how Tristan made sure to do everything exactly how Dad had showed him and that included the way he grilled corn right in the coals.

  “I’ll come out and help you with the meat and we can grill these up, too,” I politely say to Alex, making sure that I do not step on any toes and give him the sense that he is unable to fill the role of taking care of his family.

  No doubt this disease is taking enough away from him already, last thing I want is for my gesture to give him the idea that I think he is feeble and obsolete, because I most definitely do not.

  Before stepping out to the patio, I flash Alyssa a huge smile feeling like a little boy going on his first fishing trip with his dad. Thankfully, when I go up to the grill to throw the meat and veggies on Alex excuses himself to one of the cushioned patio chairs around a large circular table with an umbrella. A few minutes later, I sit in a chair across from him and lean forward with my hands clasped together on the table.

  “I hope you don’t mind me joining you.”

  I’ve been here all day and this is the first conversation I get to have with him with the exception of our introduction.

  Alex looks at me with a smile, slouched back in his seat as if it pains him to sit up straight.

  “Actually, I’m glad. You saved me,” He chuckles and shifts in his chair restlessly, crinkling his eyebrows and frowning in the process. “Honestly I’m not feeling too well tonight and I really hate for them to see that.”

  I look over at the patio window as he goes on, and see Alyssa sitting at the kitchen table next to the sliding glass door talking to Abby. Looking back over at Alex, I see that he had followed my gaze. Turning back to me, he asks a question I’m not quite prepared for but 100% certain how to answer.

  “You love her, huh?” He looks away and breathes out a small laugh as he pulls his coat tighter around him. “I’d know that look anywhere,” he says then makes eye contact with me again.

  I can’t help but grin, “Look?” I suddenly get uneasy as if I’ve been walking around with an ear-to-ear smile or drooling into a puddle when I’m looking at her. Is it really that obvious? I guess I definitely don’t have a poker face.

  Alex kicks his head back with a laugh. “That far off look … like you’re not just looking at her, but maybe past to a future with her.” I shift in my chair, glancing over to Alyssa in the window as he goes on with a chuckle. “Don’t worry. I get it. I used to get teased by my friends about that look when I was your age.”

  I laugh and think about what he said for a minute. My mom used to carry this soft, thoughtful look in her eyes. When she would run her hands through my hair, no matter what we were talking about, she would stare at me with a slight smile on her face; a look of pride, of absolute love. I know that look, too, only my mom probably wasn’t looking to a future with us but maybe imagining what the future held for us. I wish she could see that look on my face like Alex does now.

  Clearing my throat to hold back a fog of memories and emotions, I answer his initial question, “Yes sir, I do … very much.” Feeling the need to elaborate, I go on, because nobody could possibly understand how Alyssa and I could fall so completely in love with each other in only a two weeks time. “I know we’ve only actually known each other for two …”

  He chuckles and holds his
index finger up in front of his face to stop me from talking. I do, grateful that I do not have to dive into any details of my relationship with her. My nervousness has the lead over my common sense right now and I’d more than like stumble over my words trying to avoid particular topics.

  “You don’t have to explain. I absolutely believe in love at first sight.” He points over to the back kitchen window only a couple yards from the patio doors where Angela is standing in mid laugh.

  I turn back to him and there is no missing that same look in his eyes that I feel each time I watch Alyssa.

  “I saw Angela one night when I was out with my friends. We were both seniors and lived fairly close to each other, but until that night I had never noticed her.” A soft smile touches his lips as he goes on, still staring at her in the window. “We went to school in two tiny little towns about three and a half hours from here. That night she was with a group of friends outside this old fashion soda shop. You know I think it’s still there, too.”

  He looks out in the distance with a thoughtful expression, perhaps reliving a memory or wishing he could revisit it. Looking back my way, I smile urging him to go on.

  “Anyways, as soon as I saw her it was kind of like nothing else existed. My buddy kept trying to get me to jump in the car so we could get to a party, but I couldn’t leave. That night, I asked her to go to prom with me and I don’t think we took a breath without each other for weeks.” Holding his hand back up, he pulses his finger in the air. “It took one second, one single second and I knew.” He swings his hand over to the patio window and points at Alyssa, which is also laughing. “Just like I’m sure you knew. I’ve seen how you both look at each other, so I believe you when you say you love her.”

  He stops talking and for a moment I think he may go on, but he doesn’t. He stares into the window and watches his family laugh and smile. My heart breaks for him at what must be running through his mind.