Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I quickly capture her plump lip and mold mine to hers for a second; not nearly long enough but if I kiss her too long, no way will I go in a different room. She kisses me fiercely, gripping at the side of my waist in an attempt to keep me near. Pulling away, I run my hand over her face as I move backwards.

  “Good night.” My heart pounds up into my ear drums as I look over her standing there in a tight black tank top and small, white shorts with a lace trim. Oh geez! I need a cold shower. “I love you.” I stay true to my determination to be respectful under someone else’s roof.

  Her hand latches onto mine just as it is falling from her face and she flies back into my arms, her lips landing on mine. My hands run into her hair and I kiss her like there is no tomorrow, like this is our last day on earth. I let my tongue guide its way into her mouth, feeling the soft caress of hers in sync with mine. My mind shuts off and every nerve in my body is at attention.

  A creak sounds behind me and I flinch away.

  “Oh come on. Really?” Abby mumbles sarcastically as she walks to her room.

  I turn back to Alyssa and smile. Her chest rises with a deep, irritated sigh that says exactly all that I am feeling. I seriously just want to be beside her tonight; all night, but I concede.

  “Night … I love you.” I tell her one more time before walking to the spare room doorway.

  Her feet don’t move and I find myself silently pleading for her to walk away before I pick her up and drag her into the bedroom with me; breaking all of the rules in one wham.

  “I love you, too.” She slowly moves backward towards her room and I let out a breath. “Night.”

  She disappears into her room, peering around the door one last time as she pushes it halfway closed. Once her face is out of sight, I finally make my legs move and crash land onto the bed, clothes and all. Kicking off my shoes, I push and shove at the heels with my opposite foot until they both fall to the floor with a thump.

  I stare up at the ceiling, watching the shadows of one of the backyard trees creep across it like a ghost. Twisting onto my side, my head settles into the pillow and I glance over to a prehistoric looking wind up clock on the dresser that reads only 10:23 and blow out a puff of air. It’s going to be a long night.

  After closing my eyes for what feels like half the night, I am brimming with confidence that the room will be filled with sunlight, but when I look at the bedside clock all hope is sucked right out of me. How have I only been laying here for an hour?!

  Turning onto my back forcefully, I slam my head into the pillow and punch at the sides of it as if fluffing the damn thing will soothe my need to be in the next room. I lie still, watching the trees sway in the breeze outside the window and listen to the gentle howling from the wind sweeping over the sides of the house, but nothing can steal my mind away.

  I race through thoughts, eager to find something to cling to that will help me fall asleep; anything. After searching over plays from old football games, an essay that needs to be written and blueprints from the jobsite my mind lands on my conversation the other night with Alex.

  “Our love started out fast.” His words echo in my mind, reminding me of how my relationship with Alyssa started out. Once we met, we could not spend a moment apart. It’s as if I’ve lost a limb of my own body when she isn’t near. I close my eyes and focus. Alex’s face and words move aside and my mom settles into the back of my mind; a conversation we had a year before the darkness of ALS slowly started to steal her away, starting with the function of her body and finally the ability for us to even hear her beautiful voice.

  I squeeze my eyes tighter, grasping at the sound of her voice now replaying in my mind. The sound isn’t clear and I’m not even sure it belongs to her or if at this point, it’s a creation that I’ve dreamt up over time.

  “I want you to promise me something,” her words slur and she pauses, aware of it herself.

  I sit still on the edge of her bed, wanting to hear anything she has to say. Jake shuffles against my knee as he kneels on the floor with his elbows resting on the bed.

  Mom takes a deep breath and smiles.

  “Mom, are you ok?” I look over at Tristan quickly, irritated by his question. Of course she’s not ok, I want to yell.

  She nods, moving her hand to grab up one of his.

  “I need you to be strong for your brothers, ok?”

  My mind repeats the same thing over and over, knowing this could be the end. It could be, it might be but it might not. We may have to watch her suffer longer, we don’t know. There is no way to know; no alarm that will go off to signify, “Hey, make sure you tell your mom goodbye today because she won’t be here tomorrow. There’s nothing, just today and the potential for tomorrow. And it sucks!

  “Ok, Mom … I will. Just don’t worry about that right now,” Tristan urges her to save her strength.

  Days have been getting harder for her lately and although Tristan keeps the door shut most days, we all make a point to come in and spend time with her. As the days go by and as her speech slowly starts to get worse the family meetings become more and more common. I fear when I won’t be able to come in and listen to her. What will life be like when her voice is gone, when all she can do is exist? A torturous pain slices across my chest, capturing my heart and slowly crushing it.

  She nods, letting him know she is ok to go on. Opening her mouth, her lips quiver, but she pushes on.

  “Promise you will all stick together and be there for each other when …” she trails off and I’m not sure if it’s from pain, irritation at her difficulty in speaking or if her heart is hurting like ours right now. Her eyes fog with tears and I know it’s the latter. “Live.”

  It’s a single word and she stops, pushing her head into the pillow.

  “Ok, that’s enough. Mom needs to rest. Let’s go.” Tristan stands up motioning for us to leave and although I want to yell at him to stop being so protective because she is our mom too, I don’t. I’m too focused on the word she said. She’s dying, I know she is, yet she says “live.” Live, live, live … it echoes though my mind on the way out the door as I wave at Mom.

  I repeat the word in my mind; Live. I smile, where as back then I couldn’t. That was what she wanted us to promise … that we would live. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense back then, but it does now. I stopped living after she died, we all did, but the second I saw Alyssa, that’s when I felt life again. I could breathe and smile again; I could laugh.

  “I promise,” I whisper up to the ceiling as I jump to my feet and glide across the floor, trying my best to miss the floor boards that I already noticed creak.

  Quietly opening my door, I glance down the hall to Abby’s room, a bit of awkwardness rising into my chest at the thought that I am sneaking through someone else’s house. I feel like a total creeper! I smoothly step into the hall and glance over the edge of the railing to the living room and can barely see the door to Alex and Angela’s room. No lights. I let out a relieved sigh and proceed to Alyssa’s room.

  Her door is still wedged open so I barely nudge it, swinging it open with ease. Alyssa bounces up in her bed immediately as if she had been waiting for me; staying awake until I came to her side.

  Three large strides and I fall onto her bed, sliding over her. My hand runs the length of her body, over her hip, feeling a sliver of skin at her waist and landing on her ribcage as I taste her beautiful, full lips. Knowing this is not a good idea, I roll to the side and pull her against me, feeling all is right in the world now.

  She shuffles backwards, molding her back to my chest and bending her legs to match my own. She fits me like a puzzle piece that was cut and shaped for me alone.

  We lay there in the silence of the room, no words spoken between the two of us. There isn’t anything that needs to be said. My heart thumps and slams in my chest against her back and I know she can feel my love. It vibrates through every inch of my body; pouring out of me and pulling her into its grasp.

  She threads her
fingers through mine and rests them against her chest; allowing me to feel the pounding of her own heart. It’s like our very own symphony and the chorus is right on key. Her heart beats with mine; each thud calling out to the next in a beautiful harmony of love and promise. I listen to each beat, pulling her so close that I know no one could ever pull us apart.

  At last, my eyes grow heavy as I listen to Alyssa’s soft breaths and I know I am home; she is my home.

  MY EYES PEEL OPEN to a room full of sunlight and I find that neither Alyssa nor I moved an inch all night. She still holds my hands to her chest and we are still glued to one another like sculpted pieces of art.

  Carefully unclasping my hand from hers, I run it down her body, stopping at the exposed flesh at her waist. Nuzzling my face into her hair, I pull in a deep breath of strawberries while my fingertips smooth back and forth over her delicate skin. She stirs from my touch, wiggling her body against mine on a small sigh.

  I press a small kiss to the tender area of skin behind her ear that has been calling my name for the past few minutes, and trail my hand under her tank. Moving it forward onto her stomach, I spread my fingers apart, letting my pinky skim the waist band of her shorts.

  Tensing up from a sudden movement near the doorway, I calmly pull my hand out of her shirt and straighten the fabric down over her skin. I avoid looking over out of fear it may be her parents out in the hall, but then the clicking of her doorknob has me glancing.

  “I’m sorry,” her mother whispers.

  How long has she been standing there? Suddenly, I’m a little fifteen year old getting caught sneaking through the window of a girlfriend’s house. I flash her an apologetic smile and flick my gaze over to Alyssa, still sleeping soundly.

  “Are you hungry?”

  The mention of food gets my attention fast. Nodding my head, I carefully slide my arm out from under her pillow. As soon as my weight shifts, the mattress creaks below me and my head snaps over to Alyssa, then back to Angela. She laughs and waves her hand to urge me to hurry up. I slip off the bed and scoot across the floor, a part of me hoping Alyssa wakes up, yet another part wanting to let her rest.

  Craning my neck to see around the door one more time, I smile at her peacefully sleeping with a spray of blonde hair across the white sheets and her gripping the comforter to her chest as if she is missing something; me.

  “I have some bacon and eggs made downstairs,” Angela’s soft tone barely reaches my ears as she walks a little ways in front of me.

  I turn and join her on the way down to the kitchen.

  “I’m so sorry if I woke you up.” Her apology takes me by surprise.

  “No, I was already awake. I’m pretty used to waking up at the crack of dawn. I worked on a farm for years, so I guess those early hours stuck with me,” I say as we step off the last stair and make our way to the kitchen. “Listen, I’m sorry I was in Alyssa’s room. I just …” I stumble trying to find an explanation that will suffice.

  “Oh …” she laughs, waving it off, “honey, I remember being your age. Besides …” she glances over at me, taking in my attire as she walks up to the counter and proceeds to pour two cups of coffee. “You still have yesterday’s clothes on, so I’m not worried.” Her smile lights up her entire face just like Alyssa’s as she hands me a cup.

  My face is frozen, mouth drawn open and my eyebrows pulled up to my forehead from her assessment of my clothing. This is where Abby gets her feistiness.

  Slipping past me, she dishes up two plates then heads to the table, motioning me over as she takes her seat.

  “Grab a plate and come sit.”

  I slowly walk over to the table with my plate and cup in hand. Sitting across from her, I fidget with my fork, a whole nest of nerves finding a home in the pit of my stomach.

  “Judd, relax. You know … actually, you and Alyssa remind me of myself and Alex when we were your age. We actually met not too far away from where you two met. Oh, we could not stay away from each other,” she tells me, completely lost in thought.

  I scoop up a bite full of fluffy eggs and look up at her while shoving them in my mouth. She looks as if she is thinking of a specific memory and with what she said, I’m not sure I want the details.

  Looking back at me, she laughs, “You’re looking at me just like my daughters do. Don’t worry, I won’t tell you about any of that. Now if you were them right now, I’d give a little extra information just to see them squirm in their seat.”

  I quirk my lips to the side, smiling as I savor the buttery flavor of the eggs mixed with the sweet maple tang of crispy bacon. It melts on my tongue, right along with a bit of my heart, as I notice Angela glancing over to her bedroom door where Alex is sleeping. Here I am thinking about how long it’s been since my mom made me breakfast, and she is thinking about how there will come a day when she may never make one for him again.

  With a vice grip on my heart, I clear my throat hoping to subtly get her attention and distract her from where her thoughts may be leading her.

  “I don’t mind. My mom used to tell me stories all the time.” I gulp down a colossal amount of emotions that keeps making a reappearance “It’s one of my favorite memories of her … how she would find a story of hers to relate to anything I was going through.”

  Her lips rise into a sympathetic smile and it’s apparent that Alex may have filled her in.

  Tipping my head towards their bedroom, I add, “He was telling me a little about how you met outside a diner or store a little ways from here.”

  With that, her face breaks wide open into a child-like grin and I’m relieved that her mind is on happier thoughts. I toss back the rest of my breakfast and coffee as Angela reiterates a bit of the same tale that Alex told me the other night. The more she talks, the more I see my mom, in her positivity and her overall outlook on life.

  After I finish up my second plate which Angela very generously dished up for me, she snatches both of them and deposits them in the sink.

  “Well I feel like I have talked your ear off.”

  I laugh, remembering how Alex said the same thing, only I don’t see it that way at all. I’m usually not a big talker and I’m usually never open. That’s my little brother’s department. I tend to bottle up my emotions, except with Alyssa; with her I totally wear my heart on my sleeve.

  “I enjoyed it,” I assure her as I walk up behind her with my empty coffee cup in hand. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a mom to talk to.”

  I don’t even think before I say it, but as soon as the words are out of my mouth I realize how expectant it may sound; practically calling her mom. She has the opposite reaction, though, spinning around with a proud-as-can-be-mom-smile then tossing her arms around me to squish me in a warm hug.

  “Judd, I’m so happy you came to stay this weekend. I can’t even tell you what it means to me and my husband that she has you.”

  Keeping my arms slack at my side, I widen my eyes, a little surprised by her gesture. She pulls away, leaving her hands gently on my shoulders and standing at arm’s length.

  “I can tell such a difference in her this weekend. There is a lightness about her that wasn’t there a couple weeks ago. She has taken the news about her father so hard and well … I know it will only get harder, but knowing she has you is a relief.”

  I let out a shaky breath with her statement, emotions bubbling to the surface of my heart; gratefulness for being here, heartache for what I know Alyssa will go through, fear of not being able to help her through it, worry of whether I will be able to hold it together myself and absolute love for this family that I’ve only just begun to get to know.

  “Don’t be a stranger. Make sure you come with her when she comes and visits … not that I have to say that. I can tell you two are pretty much joined at the hip.” The corners of her eyes crinkle as she winks and slowly drops her arms to her sides.

  I chuckle, liking the sound of being around Alyssa as much as possible.

  “Thanks for having
me. I guess I’m going to go see if Alyssa is awake yet.” I turn, ready to head upstairs so I can cradle her back in my arms.

  Angela sputters a laugh from behind me, “Don’t get your hopes up. She’s the sleeper in this family. I wouldn’t expect her up any sooner than noon.” Laughing she looks at her wrist as if there is an imaginary watch telling her the time.

  That’s one thing I’ve always loved about her. All the mornings we have woken up side-by-side, I’ve been the one that is fortunate enough to wake up first, allowing me to marvel at her beauty as she sleeps, listen to the sounds of her breath and watch the flicker of her eyelids as she wanders through dream after dream.

  I nod my head and make my way out of the kitchen, but turn to add one more thing, “Thanks for breakfast, too.”

  Rubbing her hands on a towel that is draped over the edge of the sink, she swings around with a huge smile.

  “My pleasure, honey.”

  My heartstrings tug and tighten every time she says a little thing like that and it makes me realize how much the little everyday things can mean to you once they are taken away; seemingly insignificant things such as hearing words like “honey” or “sweetie.

  I offer my brightest, most appreciative smile and race upstairs to join Alyssa back in bed, which is exactly where Angela said she would be. Collapsing down beside her, I worm one arm back under her pillow and the other around her waist, pulling her warm, slender frame flush against me.

  The day goes by faster than either of us would like and soon we are back in Rosemore. I’ll have to admit, I loved being at her parent’s and getting to know them, but nothing compares to being alone with her.

  We spend Sunday evening completely tucked away from everyone. Luckily, her apartment is Bethany-free for a couple nights so we choose her place over mine.

  Monday morning comes and it is back to reality; morning classes for us both along with her work schedule.

  Reluctantly crawling out of bed and sliding on the same clothes from yesterday, I decide I better get over to my apartment to shower and change before I make us both late for class.