Something Like Winter

by Jay Bell

  “I’m standing right here,” Ben said testily.

  Tim and Allison laughed. Maybe everything was going to be okay.

  “Wait, everyone!” Mrs. Bentley declared. “We have one more present before we light candles.”

  “No, you can open it later,” Tim said, his panic rising again as everyone focused on him. “Really!”

  Ben snatched the present from his hands, and Tim’s world receded to the shreds of wrapping paper that were flung into the air, revealing his art. Then he could only focus on Ben’s face. Tim was proud of the painting. It wasn’t his usual style, but he felt the blizzard of colors showed passion, the overlapping hearts in the center evoking the right emotion without being too hokey.

  Ben seemed lost for words, so his mother spoke for him.

  “Isn’t that gorgeous? Did you paint it yourself?”

  Tim’s instinct was to lie, but Ben was smiling. Maybe he understood what Tim was trying to say. He was opening his mouth to take credit when Karen, Ben’s sister, spoke first.

  “It looks like someone barfed up paint on a canvas.”

  “We should have cut your tongue out at birth,” Mr. Bentley scolded.

  Tim’s stomach sank. This is why he didn’t tell anyone about his paintings. All of them, even the ones that didn’t turn out well, were close to his heart. Having one out in the open was like having a dagger pressed against his bare chest. Anyone could nudge him and drive the blade in, which Ben’s sister had done.

  “It’s just something I found somewhere,” Tim said lamely. “You don’t have to keep it if you don’t want.”

  Ben’s eyes, more watery than normal, turned toward him. “I love it!”

  Mrs. Bentley looked between them, seeing it all with a mother’s insight, and heroically called attention away from them.

  “Okay, everyone! Time for cake!” That did the trick. The relatives hustled away, eager to get a slice. Ben went to claim the first piece, setting aside the painting for now. Tim was tempted to steal it back and smuggle it home. Instead he retreated to the back of the crowd.

  “Sorry about Karen,” Allison said, joining him. “She’s one of the most miserable people on the planet. I don’t see how she and Ben can possibly be related, but Ben got all the charm.”

  “The looks, too,” Tim said, glaring in Karen’s direction as she joined the others in singing Happy Birthday.

  “Anyway, he likes the painting,” Allison said. “A lot.”

  If anyone would know, she would, so Tim felt a little better. “Thanks.”

  “No problem. Just a second,” Allison stepped forward and started singing, just as the birthday song was winding down. She sang an extra verse on her own, her voice like honey. Tim could see why they were best friends. He hoped being able to sing wasn’t a prerequisite of their clique. If so, Tim was screwed.

  Ben continued to be held prisoner by his family, each relative eager to have a word with him, so Tim stood back and watched. Part of him was envious that so much love was showered on Ben, but there was no one in the world more deserving. Tim could see Ben had a similar effect on everyone around him. That inner light, the fearless pride inside him—who wouldn’t want to be near that?

  Allison dove into the fray and returned with two slices of cake. Tim accepted one of the paper plates gratefully.

  “Ben said you weren’t coming,” she remarked.

  “To be honest, I wasn’t sure I was still invited.”

  Allison smiled slyly. “Either way, I think you’re out of the dog house now. Showing up like that was smooth. I’m going to be hearing about it for weeks.”

  “Oh? Does he talk about me a lot?”

  Her expression turned coy. “Occasionally.” Allison toyed with her cake, mashing the frosting around in a way that made Tim think of paint. “Just try not to break his heart. You being here today speaks volumes. I’m not going to give you a tired speech about how if you hurt him, I’ll make you regret it. I think you’ve already figured out that losing Ben is much worse than anything I could do to you.”

  “Yeah,” Tim said, his voice sounding hoarse.

  “Good. Don’t look so down, because he’s heading this way with his happy face on.”

  “Hi,” Ben said to him, like they had only just met. “I was thinking we’d hit a haunted house or two. Maybe Ronnie could come along.”

  “Ronnie?” Tim asked.

  “My boyfriend,” Allison explained before addressing Ben. “Sure. I’ll give him a call.”

  She walked away to do just that, Tim’s nerves acting up again. “Does Ronnie go to our school?” he asked.

  “Yup.” Ben’s smile faltered a little. “Is that okay?”

  “Yeah. Totally.”

  Tim wanted to be more open with Ben, but school wasn’t part of that plan. He trusted Allison, since she was Ben’s best friend, but he didn’t know anything about this Ronnie guy. Tim needed time alone with Ben to explain where he was coming from, to tell him how important their secret was, but not so soon after getting back in Ben’s good graces. Like it or not, he’d have to risk an evening out.

  Tim didn’t have much to worry about. Ronnie turned out to be pretty cool. He was into sports, which gave them common ground. Tim spent a lot of the drive down to Houston talking to him, feeling unsure what to say to Ben in front of others. The line for the haunted house was long and full of people their age, but Ronnie was still chatting him up. Even if Bryce or Darryl happened to see him now, it wouldn’t be obvious he was hanging out with Ben.

  The haunted house itself wasn’t as cool as the ones back in Kansas, but it had all the basic requirements. Some rooms had cheap animatronic monsters; others had costumed actors who did their best to scare them. The chainsaw-wielding guy at the end could already be heard, but first they had a pitch-dark maze to navigate. Tim grabbed Ben, pulling him down a corridor and whispering the words he had been dying to tell him.

  “I broke up with her.”

  “With Krista?” Ben’s voice was so hopeful that Tim chuckled.

  “Yeah. You were right. It’s you I like and it’s you I want.”

  He pressed himself against Ben, found his lips in the dark, and kissed him. Soundtracks of creaking boards and howling monsters serenaded them, the smell of smoke machines in the air. Tim couldn’t think of a stranger place to get so turned on, but he could have taken Ben right then and there. Unfortunately, a group of girls bumped into them and shrieked. Why was the universe always throwing women at him?

  Tim shouted, causing another round of shrieks that sent them away. Then he took Ben’s hand and led him out of the maze.

  * * * * *

  The candles were lit one by one, the Zippo lighter singeing Tim’s fingers as the last wick sputtered to life. He turned around. His room looked good in candlelight, especially with Ben in his bed. This was another birthday gift. Tim had given Ben a house key and asked him to sneak in. Having come close to losing him, Tim now needed more than just the weekend nights they shared in Ben’s room.

  Of course that meant one more calculated risk. Tim waited farther down the hall, watching Ben creep into his room like a thief. Tim’s parents were out of town for the weekend, but they wouldn’t have heard a thing. Even if they did, they so rarely paid attention.

  And now Ben was in his bed, curled up on his side and grinning. “So I hear you’re officially single,” he said. “Does this mean you’re back on the prowl?”

  “I never stop prowling.” Tim flicked the Zippo shut, growling like a tiger.

  “I see. At the ripe old age of seventeen, don’t you think it’s time you settled down with someone special?”

  “Meaning?” Tim inquired.

  “I want to be your boyfriend.”

  “Jesus, Benjamin! You don’t let up do you?” It took all of Tim’s effort not to smile. Why not make it official? But he didn’t plan on making it easy. “It’s not enough that you make me dump my girlfriend?”

  “If she was good enough for you to date, th
en I am twice as qualified.” Ben smirked and then sang, “Anything a girl can do, I can do better.”

  “Off hand, I can think of a few things that you can’t!”

  “Well, anyway. What do you think?” Ben’s expression became vulnerable. “Seriously.”

  “I think I want a test drive before I buy the car.” Tim pounced on him, and after some wrestling around, shrieking and laughing, their touches became intimate. They didn’t get much sleep that night.

  The next morning, Tim had the talk with Ben, hoping he had given enough to get something back. He had just returned from the bathroom when he noticed Ben was awake. After a little banter, Tim decided now was as good a time as any.

  “My parents can’t know about this. No one at school either.”

  Ben didn’t hold back. “So just like things were before?”

  “Not like before. No Krista, no other girls, and definitely no other guys. Just me and you. I want it to stay that way.”

  Ben didn’t look convinced, but Tim hoped some part of him understood. He was protecting what they had. The doors to Tim’s heart were open now. He would be Ben’s boyfriend, be loyal, do everything he could to make him happy—but Tim would never let others get near what they had.

  Chapter Nine

  “Trouble at home, Tim?”

  Stacy Shelly sat down at the lunch table across from him. When Tim had broken up with Krista on Friday, he hadn’t imagined what the following week would be like. Parties would be easy, since they could mingle on opposite sides of the room, but school was tricky. He and Krista shared a class together and had long ago swapped seat assignments to sit next to each other. And then there was lunch. Tim didn’t know how he was supposed to handle that, so he sat alone at a different table. Until Stacy found him.

  “What’s wrong?” she continued. “Daddy sleeps around? Mommy drinks too much?”

  Tim glared at her. “I broke up with your best friend, and now I’m on your shit list? Is that how it’s going to be?”

  Stacy pursed her lips. “Well, I did have to listen to her cry all weekend. You owe me for that. No, what really bothers me is the transparently fake reason.”

  Tim kept quiet.

  “‘Trouble at home.’” Stacy laughed. “Has anyone broken up over a bad home life? Ever? Come on! Krista may be stupid, but give me some credit.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tim said. “You don’t know a thing about me.”

  “Is that a challenge?”

  “No.”

  Stacy Shelly eyed him like a viper. “Well, whoever she is, you better keep her a secret.”

  Tim didn’t ask her to expound on that threat. “Are you done?”

  “Almost. She wants you to come sit with us.”

  Tim stared. “Krista?”

  “Yes, Tim. She’s in love with you. That means she’s already forgiven you or thinks she can win you back. Or maybe she’s just dumb. Regardless, you don’t need to sit here like a scrub.”

  But Tim did just that for the rest of lunch period. The next day he tried a tentative smile in class that Krista returned, which made him comfortable enough to sit with her at lunch. She didn’t try anything, didn’t put her hand on his arm like she always used to or press him for answers. Stacy still scrutinized his every move, but with Krista, Tim felt things were going to be okay.

  * * * * *

  “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Tim asked, stopping before the office door to his studio and turning around.

  “What?” Ben asked, his eyes big with concern.

  “Me painting you nude.”

  Ben pushed him playfully. Tim laughed, unlocking the door. This wasn’t the first time Ben had been here. That had been Christmas, a holiday Tim usually despised, but Ben had made it just as magical as those cheesy television specials. Even more so. Then Tim had brought Ben to his studio, opening one more door to his soul. In the months that followed, they would often hide away here on the weekends when the office was empty. Or on a Friday night, like this one, after everyone had left. All his father’s employees were either out wining and dining dates or at home comforting themselves with tubs of ice cream, for today was the most dreaded holiday of them all.

  Tim always found the pressure behind Valentine’s Day irritating. Everyone had to hook up with someone before the holiday or feel left out. Or jump through hoops for anyone they already had. Krista had found someone new just the day before, conveniently enough. The new guy was handsome, plucked from the semi-popular crowd where Darryl usually got his eager-to-please girls. Krista invited her new beau to sit at their lunch table, which was awkward because she kept watching Tim for a reaction.

  So school had been miserable, but the evening held potential. Tim walked around the studio, clicking on the lamps Ben had helped him shop for to replace the cold florescent light. The lamps cast shadows and created warmth, setting the right mood for him to paint. And tonight they would help set the scene. Tim didn’t want flowers or chocolates for Valentine’s Day. He wanted to paint.

  “The clothing stays on,” Ben said, sitting on a stool.

  “For the painting at least,” Tim murmured, taking his place behind the easel.

  Truth be told, it wouldn’t matter either way. Ben’s face was his solitary focus. Tim had tried from memory a couple of times already, but his mental images were too fluid and shifting. Besides, he’d never had a live model before. Tim didn’t paint in front of anyone, didn’t even take art classes. Everything he knew was learned through trial and error or gleaned from the books he kept in his studio.

  “So what do I do?” Ben asked, shifting uncomfortably.

  “Just relax.” Tim squeezed paints on to the palette, eager to begin.

  “Can I still talk to you?”

  “Sure, but that doesn’t mean I’ll listen.”

  “Ha, ha,” Ben deadpanned, but then he smiled when he saw Tim make the first couple of strokes. “You’re going to let me see, right?”

  “Maybe.” Tim worked in silence a few minutes. Then his subject spoke again.

  “Ronnie is taking Allison to Café Annie.”

  “Never heard of it.”

  “It’s supposed to be one of the best restaurants in Houston. It’s really expensive.”

  “Hm. Well, I’m lucky I have such a cheap date.” Ben was quiet, so Tim stopped painting and looked at him. “I thought you wanted to do this?”

  “I do!” Ben said. “I really like the idea.”

  Tim resumed painting, knowing the topic wasn’t over. The silence grew thick over the next ten minutes, but he kept his focus on the canvas until Ben spoke again.

  “It would be nice to go out with you sometime.”

  “We do,” Tim countered, but he knew what Ben meant. Usually they would go for long drives or nighttime walks. Tim never wanted to hit the mall with him, go out to eat, or even catch a movie, since there was always the possibility of them being seen. The most they had ever done was go to AstroWorld, Houston’s theme park, in the cover of night. That had earned him some major points, but lately Ben had been pushing hard for—

  “What about dinner with your parents?”

  Exactly. Tim chose his answer carefully. “I don’t get why you want to meet them. I know what you said,” he added quickly. “If they ever catch you sneaking in, they’ll at least recognize you—”

  “And they’re a part of your life,” Ben said.

  “Right.” Tim didn’t hide his sarcasm. “That aside, why can’t you just pop in and say ‘hi’ to them before we go somewhere? Why does there have to be an awkward dinner?”

  “Because I want them to get to know me,” Ben said.

  Tim considered this. “You’re going to tell them?”

  “That I’m gay? Of course! Before I came out to my parents, they had no idea what gay people were like, aside from what they had seen in comedies and gay pride parades.”

  “The fools,” Tim said, hiding his smile. Not long ago he hadn�
�t been so different.

  “One of the biggest shocks for them was how someone normal, like their son, could be gay. I think they kept waiting for me to sprout a feather boa and strut around the house in leather chaps.”

  “You mean you don’t?”

  “Seriously. I think it would be good for your parents to meet someone like me.”

  Tim shook his head while he worked. Every time he looked up from the canvas, he saw his boyfriend looking expectant. “Your parents are cool, Ben. The gay issue aside, they’re way more laid back about everything. And more supportive.”

  Ben squirmed a little. “I know I’m lucky.”

  “Good, but not everyone’s parents are like yours. I know you think I should come out and that all the pieces will fall into place like they did for you, but that’s not how it’ll work for me. Not everyone who comes out gets a happy ending.”

  “You won’t know until you try.”

  Tim snorted. “I can make an educated guess.”

  Ben didn’t give up. He never gave up. “I don’t see the harm in me being the test subject. Let them meet me—for dinner, not just a few seconds—and we’ll see what they think. Anyway, you promised.”

  “Did I?”

  “Yes!”

  “It must have been a moment of weakness.”

  Ben scowled in response.

  “Fine. Dinner with my parents. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  The next fifteen minutes were spent in blissful silence, but Ben’s mind was always working. “You mentioned coming out to your parents.”

  Tim laughed, knowing exactly what Ben was getting at. “Don’t read into it.”

  This was another of Ben’s crusades. Titles made Tim uncomfortable, and Ben was always pushing for him to choose something. Maybe he was bisexual, maybe he wasn’t. What Ben had said about sexuality being emotional had stuck with him, and yeah, what they had together involved feelings. But maybe he was also capable of loving the right kind of girl.

  Regardless, Tim knew if he started getting all emotional, Ben would treat it as evidence. It’s not like there was any rush. They had all the time in the world together.