Something Like Winter

by Jay Bell

  “Of course, because of my size,” Travis said, “people also think I’m a dumb jock.”

  “You mean you’re not?”

  Travis punched his arm playfully. “No, I’m not. That’s why I wanted to come here. Austin has one of the best schools of pharmacy, and I want to be the very best.”

  “At counting out pills?”

  “Laugh if you want,” Travis said. “There’s job security and money all right there in one package. What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” Tim said. “Borrow money from you, I guess.”

  “Seriously.”

  “Architecture. At least I used to think so. Job security is something I didn’t consider. There’s not an architectural firm on every corner like there are pharmacies.” All he’d been thinking of was combining his love of art with a practical trade, but so far his classes had left him cold.

  “Still, good money.” Travis nodded his approval.

  “I didn’t know you were so materialistic.”

  “It’s more about being able to provide for my family, give them a good life.”

  Travis talked like he already had a wife and kids waiting behind a white picket fence. In a way, it was sweet that he was so family-oriented. But it was also depressing, since Tim couldn’t make that dream come true for him. Not the wife part, at least, but he hoped he could show Travis a new version of that dream. He had four days in Colorado Springs to do so.

  As much as Tim didn’t want family overshadowing this trip, it was the one topic of conversation guaranteed to keep Travis talking. Otherwise he would lapse into long silences, no doubt pondering what they would be doing at the cabin. But this was good. Away from family, the pressures of school, and all the perceived risks, Travis should be focusing on the positive. This would be aided by a couple drinks, a few laughs, and of course tons of sex.

  Already Tim had caught Travis checking him out, occasionally shifting in his seat and pulling at his jeans. After not having sex for the better part of a month, they were both ready to go, but Tim would draw it out a little longer, make sure the mood was right for Travis to see it as more than just release.

  In the afternoon, Tim traded places with Travis and let himself doze until evening. For the rest of the trip they swapped driving duties every time they stopped. As the roads climbed into the mountains, the ground covered in honest-to-goodness snow, their progress slowed even further. The trip seemed like it would never end. It was nearly four in the morning before it did.

  When they turned down the drive to the cabin, their long hours in the car were instantly justified. The two-story cabin was surrounded by a rustic stone wall, snow heavy on the roof and the branches of pines that towered over it. The front porch light was the lone beacon of civilization for miles around.

  “You weren’t kidding when you said it was secluded,” Travis said, yawning himself awake.

  “The very edge of Colorado Springs is another five miles away, and Eric says that’s just a gas station and convenience store.” He reached over to touch the back of Travis’s neck, causing him to flinch, so Tim stated the obvious. “It’s just me and you out here.”

  Travis took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

  “Let’s check it out.”

  Tim found the key in a hollowed-out rock to one side of the cabin, just as the owner had promised. He fetched it while Travis started unloading the car, and was glad he went after the key alone because two tarp-covered forms were also there. Travis still didn’t know about the snowmobiles. That would be tomorrow’s surprise. For tonight, the cabin was the main attraction.

  They toured it together. While appearing simple and homey from the outside, the cabin was state of the art on the inside. Three bedrooms each sported a fireplace. The kitchen was fully equipped, a sauna was tucked away downstairs, a Jacuzzi awaited them in the bathroom and—as if that weren’t enough—a hot tub was built into the back patio. Each of these amenities was bursting with potential romance.

  But for now, they dragged their weary bodies to the bedroom, undressed in front of each other while laughing nervously like inexperienced honeymooners, and got under the sheets. Their skin touched, the warmth reassuring. Tim kissed Travis, not tasting alcohol for once, and despite being horny as hell, he was also tired. He rolled over on his side, wrapping Travis’s arm around him. Their bodies pressed together, he could feel that Travis was hard. Maybe sleep could be delayed just a little longer. But even though he thought about it, Tim didn’t find the power to move. Travis didn’t budge either, and soon their breathing slowed, each breath growing longer as they drifted toward sleep.

  * * * * *

  Like a swarm of angry bees shot out of a cannon, a buzz blasted past Tim’s left ear before Travis cut in front of him, kicking up a wave of snow for Tim to crash through. He slid to a stop and wiped the snow from his goggles before giving chase. After ramping off a snowdrift, launching five feet into the air, and hitting the ground again with a thud, he lunged forward with another twist of the handlebar.

  Snowmobiles were freaking insane. The two they had been enjoying all day were fiberglass shells attached to skis, an engine powering the central tread at the rear. This meant they were relatively light and could practically take flight. Or cruise up the steep mountainsides like spiders scaling a wall. There didn’t seem to be any limit to places snowmobiles could reach. Or the amount of trouble they could get into with them. Tim and Travis had spent much of the day howling with laughter, usually after falling off their snowmobiles, or more accurately, losing their grip on the handlebars and watching it rocket ahead without them.

  Tim’s body ached all over and his face felt frozen, so he signaled that they should head back to the cabin. Like a good Boy Scout, Tim was well prepared for their return. Before leaving that morning, he made sure the hot tub was heating up. Sure enough, when they reached the cabin and stripped out of their snow gear, they found a steaming cauldron of pleasure awaiting them on the back patio.

  “That’s going to feel so good!” Travis crooned. “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “What does it look like?” Tim had pulled his jeans and underwear down at the same time. His shirt was already off, his socks the last to go. “I didn’t pack a swimsuit,” he said as he climbed into the tub with a moan of pleasure. “Besides, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen already.”

  Travis turned around to pull down his boxers, but he had to face Tim to get in the hot tub. When he did, Tim noticed with some satisfaction that Travis was already halfway hard. Tim would be on his best behavior, though. He envisioned a very specific way he wanted the night to play out. They still hadn’t had sex since arriving here, and it was important that a few things happen first.

  Travis gasped and hissed as he inched into the hot water. Eventually he adjusted, sighing and relaxing. For a while they were content to lean back, listening to the bubbles or staring off into the winter wonderland around them.

  “This is amazing,” Travis said. “Thanks for doing this.”

  “Thanks for coming up here with me.” Tim moved closer to him. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Man, I almost forgot! It doesn’t feel like the holidays without family around.”

  Tim snorted. “Thanks a lot!”

  “It’s not a bad thing. Just different.”

  That was the point Tim was trying to make by them being here. He moved in for a kiss, Travis pulling back a little before giving him an innocent peck. Then he really moved away. “It’s been a perfect day. All that’s missing is a beer.”

  Or his courage, Tim thought, but he was determined to show Travis he didn’t need alcohol as an excuse. “Remember how nice it was last time?”

  Travis was quiet a moment. “Yeah.”

  This time when Tim went to kiss him, Travis didn’t pull away. In fact, he kissed Tim back and pushed against him, his hands delving beneath the water to grab his cock. Tim moaned. Or was it a groan, because he couldn’t let it happen like this.

>   “Not so fast, man.” Tim slid along the hot tub’s bench to get away.

  “Sorry,” Travis said. “I’m just so hot right now.”

  Travis pushed out of the water, arms rippling with muscle, to sit on the tub’s edge. His legs were spread, steam coiling off his body. Forget the plan! Tim couldn’t hold back anymore. He moved through the water to reach him, Travis’s dick at eye level before Tim took him in his mouth. When Travis shirked his inhibitions, he dropped them completely. He grabbed Tim’s head, thrusting against it and growling out one syllable words of pleasure. Yeah. Fuck. God. Ungh.

  Travis seemed determined to pass Go as quickly as he could, so Tim pulled away and stood, feet spread on the hot tub bench. With Travis still seated on the edge, their roles were reversed. Tim wasn’t any more gentle than Travis had been. They had a lot of frustrations to work out. When he got close, he glanced down to see Travis pumping his fist, muscles tensing. They were both teetering on the brink, so Tim focused on keeping his balance as he let out a guttural growl of pleasure. Travis lasted a few seconds after he did, Tim watching him in satisfaction, but suddenly he was slipping backward. Tim’s fall was broken by the water, his head barely missing the far edge of the tub. Had Travis pushed him? He righted himself and looked at Travis in confusion just in time to see him spit into the snow.

  “You all right?” Tim asked.

  Travis glared at him.

  “Sorry.” Tim chuckled. “I should have warned you before I came.”

  Travis nodded, then cast his eyes downward. “Cold,” he said, slipping back into the tub.

  Tim waded over to him, wanting to be close. He sat on the bench and slid over, pressing his leg against Travis’s and putting an arm around him, but Travis shrugged him off and moved further down the bench. He still couldn’t look at Tim.

  Cold indeed.

  Tim knew he should have waited. He had wanted it to be romantic, to have some sense of emotion when they slept together. Instead it had been feral, only physical. But he wasn’t giving up. They still had three more nights to get it right. Tim sank into the tub, water all the way up to his neck, getting himself warm again before he got out.

  “You hungry?” he asked.

  He didn’t have to wait for an answer. They hadn’t eaten since that morning when Tim drove into town for some doughnuts. Time to heat up Eric’s lasagna. Good food, wine, a little candlelight, and music. This was the ritual needed to summon up Cupid. The night could still be saved.

  * * * * *

  Tim lit the candles and stood back, examining the table and wishing he knew some fancy way of folding napkins. Still, for his first attempt at laying out a table, it wasn’t bad. He went to the door, flipping the lights off and examining his work again from afar. The setting looked pretty damn romantic to him. He could smell the lasagna from the other room, the juices sizzling on the baking sheet when they splashed over the edge. Elsewhere the television blared, brief moments of silence every other second as Travis flipped through the channels.

  Tim’s chest went tight. All of this felt familiar. He didn’t have to dig far into his past to figure out why. A night when his parents were out of town and a thunderstorm had killed the power. Ben had lit candles so they could keep eating dinner. He had joked it was romantic, and though Tim wasn’t ready to admit it then, it had been. A simple meal together in their private little world. What had it been, frozen pizza? Or something Ben had cooked? He hated that he couldn’t remember anymore. Some memories should never fade, should be forever retained in perfect recall, but he supposed all of it slipped away eventually. All but the essence.

  “How much longer?” Travis called from the other room. “It smells done.”

  That it did, so Tim hurried to the kitchen. Good ol’ Eric! The lasagna, when pulled from the oven, looked heavenly. Wrestling with a knife and spatula, Tim got two thick pieces on to plates without making too much of a mess. He hurried with them to the table, noticing that he hadn’t poured the wine yet. Oh well. He could do it like waiters at the restaurants Eric took him to, uncorking the bottle in front of Travis and pouring a tiny bit for him to taste. Of course if Travis rejected it they were screwed, since Tim had only brought one bottle. He didn’t want them getting too drunk. Just a little to help loosen up.

  Dinner was ready. A small boom box in the corner played classical music. Tim wasn’t crazy about that, but all the other stations were marathoning Christmas music, so classical would have to do. Food served, candles lit, wine ready to flow. All he needed was his date.

  “It’s ready!” Tim hollered. “Get your ass in here!”

  He chuckled nervously to himself, feeling the tension that came with giving someone a present and being desperate for them to like it. Tim held his breath when Travis came into the room, watching his face closely. He looked sort of amused. That was good, right?

  Travis laughed. “What the hell is this?”

  “Dinner for two, monsieur!” The amusement fled from Travis’s face. Was Tim’s French accent that bad? “Take a seat.”

  “No.” Travis looked angry.

  “What’s up?” Tim said. “It’s just dinner.”

  “A candlelight dinner, like we’re a couple or something?”

  Tim clenched his jaw. “Fine, we can blow out the candles if it makes you feel better.”

  “And the stupid music,” Travis huffed. “Turn the freaking lights on! We’re not on a date.”

  Tim left the lights off. The food was getting cold, and Travis wouldn’t even sit down. “What’s your deal?”

  “You! You’re trying to make this all so… We’re not a couple!”

  “No, we’re just in a cabin alone together on Christmas Day after screwing in the hot tub. Completely platonic. Nothing gay about it, right, buddy?”

  Even in the candlelight, he could see Travis’s face turn beet red. “You know what I mean! We’re not a guy and a girl. You can’t pretend it’s the same. This is stupid!”

  Travis tried leaving the room, but Tim moved to block his way. “Why can’t we, huh? What’s stopping us from doing whatever we want? It’s just you and me here, Travis. We can be anything we want for each other.”

  “No, we can’t!” Travis jabbed a finger in Tim’s face. “You can’t give me kids! I can’t have a family with you! All you’re good for is a blowjob, which I can get from any cheap hooker.”

  Tim shoved him. It was that or take a swing. Travis looked like he was about to charge, but instead he swung around and swiped at the table, sending a wine glass, cutlery, and a plate of lasagna smashing to the floor. “I don’t want any of this!” he shouted. “This isn’t going to be my life!”

  “Right,” Tim shouted back. “You’re going to find a woman and get her knocked up, and everything will be picture-fucking perfect—aside from you getting drunk so you can sneak off to a cruise park to suck dick. I hope your future family likes living in the goddamn closet with you!”

  “At least I won’t be alone!” Travis looked ready to kill. “I want out of here! Now! Drive me back to Austin.”

  “It’s the middle of the night!”

  “Then I’m calling a cab.”

  “To drive you to Texas?”

  Travis crossed the room, his face inches away from Tim’s, heat coming off him in angry waves. “I’d rather walk back than stay another minute here with you.”

  “Fine.” Tim stomped into the other room for his coat, digging in one of the pockets until he found his keys. When he turned around, Travis was right behind him. Tim tossed the key ring at him. “Take my car. Drive yourself back to Austin.”

  “I will!” Travis shoved his feet into his shoes and grabbed his coat.

  Then the situation got awkward, because Travis walked around the cabin, collecting his things. Why couldn’t he just go? But Tim didn’t really want him to, not like this. His temper cooled enough that by the time Travis headed for the door, he was sure they could get past this. Tim would ask him to stay, and they would talk everything th
rough.

  “Hey,” Tim said softly, touching his shoulder. “Wait a minute.”

  Travis spun around, knocking away his hand. “Don’t touch me again. Ever! Don’t even fucking look at me!”

  Then Travis was out the door, slamming it behind him.

  “Don’t fuck up my car!” Tim shouted after him. The car engine revved into life, headlights cutting through the front windows before the sound faded into the distance. Then Tim yelled, primal and harsh, because he felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t.

  For a while he just stood in the living room, waiting for the engine sound to return. When it didn’t, he went back to the dining room, turned off the music, and sat at the end of the trashed table. Then he opened the bottle of wine, drinking from it directly and still listening for any sign of Travis returning. Surely he would come back. The dam had burst and Travis would break down and cry, finally admitting who he was. But when the bottle was empty and the candles had burned down, Tim knew hope was gone.

  He shoved away from the table and went to the front room, taking his cell phone from his jacket and dialing Eric. He would understand. The phone rang and rang before a recording of Eric’s voice explained the obvious: He wasn’t there to pick up the phone. Tim left him a message, trying to tell him what had happened, how everything had fallen apart, and that Travis had gone. Then his time was up and the voicemail cut him off with a beep.

  Tim tossed aside the phone and glanced around the cabin. He didn’t want to be here anymore. The TV was still blabbering from the other room, left on the last channel Travis had landed on. He needed to get away, maybe head into town for something more to drink. Tim was turning to retrieve his phone when he noticed a glint of moonlight on a slick surface outside. The snowmobiles were parked out front. Colorado Springs was what, ten miles away? Twenty? Snowmobiles were just as fast as cars. Tim would be in town in no time, and more important, away from here.

  He put on his coat and snow boots, made sure he had his wallet, and stumbled outside, slipping once. The ground was icy tonight, but that’s what snowmobiles were made for. Tim revved the engine, hating the machine for being a part of his failed fantasy. Racing up and down the mountains with Travis seemed a million years ago already, a distant dream too bright and optimistic to have been true.