Something Like Winter

by Jay Bell

  “Not really.”

  Well done, Stacy Shelly.

  A small park at the end of the block became their destination, a view of the river past some overgrown brush. Ben sat on a flat rock, its edges buried in the dirt. Tim joined him. Their legs brushed against each other, Ben shifting uncomfortably and pulling his legs up close. Not a good sign. This wasn’t going well. Maybe Ben had someone.

  “So what about you? Drag any lucky guys to the prom?”

  The question was ignored. “So straight from high school to Austin?”

  “Yeah, pretty much. My dad graduated from here and insisted I do the same. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I agreed. It’s worked out pretty well so far.” Time to pull the ace from his sleeve. “People are so liberal in Austin that it’s easy to be gay here.”

  Ben’s reaction was priceless. Flabbergasted was probably the right word. Best of all, Ben was so surprised, he let down his guard completely. “You came out?”

  “Yeah. Got kicked out of a fraternity because of it too.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. It was stupid, since I’d slept with half of them before coming out. Well, not half, but you know.” Great. Now he was making himself sound like a slut. Tim rewound the conversation to coming out. “A lot of the frat boys were the same way I used to be. Some just liked to mess around, which was all right, but other guys were so closeted they couldn’t even admit it to themselves. I got a good taste of what I put you through.”

  Ben lapsed into thought. Everything had changed. Surely he could see that now; would realize the implications. They could be together. Nothing was in their way anymore.

  When Ben remained silent, Tim bumped shoulders with him gently. “So tell me about your life. Was Chicago just a lie to keep me away from you?”

  “No. I was there for almost two years.”

  “Did you like it?”

  Ben’s face lit up “I loved it. Everything but the weather. The museums were amazing, the shopping—just the city itself. There was always something going on. Culture thrives there. It didn’t feel like a dead city, like Houston.”

  “Austin must seem boring in comparison.”

  Ben shrugged. “Not really. It’s taken me a little while, but it’s starting to feel like home.”

  “You know,” Tim leaned toward him, “they say home is where the heart is.”

  “They also say you can never go home again,”

  “Touché!” Tim did his best not to frown. He needed to know. “So what about guys? I guess you’ve probably dated a lot?”

  Ben seemed to hesitate before he leaned away to get at his back pocket. He pulled out a photo, handing it to Tim. “His name is Jace. We’ve been together for over two years. Someday he’s going to take me to Paris.”

  Tim took the photo reluctantly, not wanting to see. There was Ben, wearing a grin free of inhibition, his face pressed against that of another guy with killer cheekbones and a cool expression. To Tim he almost looked smug, as if he knew Tim would see this moment captured in time and realize how damn happy he could have been. That should be him there, pressing his cheek to Ben’s and stretching out his arm to snap the photo.

  “I guess I deserve this.” Tim’s throat burned with the effort of holding back tears.

  Ben stared, as if seeing something he never expected. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, like it used to be. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Tim pulled himself together. “I missed my chance, right? A guy like you doesn’t stay single.”

  “You either.”

  Tim shook his head. “Nope. Not since you.”

  “But you said— The frat boys?”

  “That was just sex. All the guys I’ve been with were nothing more than a one-night stand or fuck buddies. None of them meant anything.” Not even Travis. Next to Ben, he had been nothing. Only Eric mattered, but who knew if he even counted. Since him, Tim hadn’t connected emotionally with anyone else.

  “You can’t tell me none of those guys fell for you,” Ben said. “If not a frat boy, then someone.”

  Fair enough. Tim had hit the bars a few times since Eric died, and he did find guys interested in more than a single night, but Tim hadn’t felt that spark. “There were a few, yeah, but they weren’t…” He let a glance at Ben finish the thought. Time to slink home and lick his wounds. He stood and stretched. “I tracked you down tonight in the hopes of seducing you, but instead the evening was completely embarrassing.”

  “No, it wasn’t.”

  “You aren’t the one who almost cried. I think I’m going to cash in my chips and call it a night. Hey, you still have my phone?”

  “Yeah.” Ben stood to dig it out.

  “Good. Here, trade me. You can have this one,” Tim handed him the new phone. “It’s all paid up.”

  Ben looked uncomfortable. “I can’t.”

  “You can. Besides, I like the idea of being able to get a hold of you whenever I want.”

  “Oh. Well, thanks.”

  They began a slow walk back to the car, both introspective. Tim wished it would have gone differently, that they could have met again while single, but he understood. If things had been good between him and Travis, had they fallen in love, been together all this time, and Ben had shown up in his life again— Honestly? Tim would have dropped Travis in a second. He couldn’t picture loving anyone more than Ben.

  Eric was right. Those feelings didn’t go away, even when someone else was in the picture. Ben hadn’t spent their years apart sad and lonely, which was good, but it was time for him to come home. Tim would have to be smart about this, not mopey or jealous.

  “I’m happy for you, Benjamin,” he said. “I’m glad that someone recognized how special you are and held on tight.”

  “Thanks.” Ben stopped next to Tim’s car. “I’m sure there’s someone out there for you too.”

  “Oh, there is.”

  Tim wanted to kiss him right then and there, but he was going to do this right. He winked instead, hopped into his car, and drove into the night. Tomorrow he would return and keep coming back every day if that’s what it took. He glanced in the rearview mirror at the rapidly shrinking figure and smiled.

  See you soon, Benjamin!

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Tim called first thing the next morning. Ben was already up, and from the noise in the background, he seemed to be driving.

  “Hello?”

  “I dreamt about you last night,” Tim said.

  “I don’t want to know,” Ben replied.

  “You really don’t. Horribly obscene things happened.”

  “I bet they did.”

  “Worst of all, we were both wearing clown makeup.”

  “Ugh.”

  “I know.”

  “I have to go,” Ben said, but he sounded amused.

  The conversation was short, but it was a good start to Tim’s day. He called later in the afternoon between classes. The phone rang longer this time, and when Ben answered he sounded angry.

  “How the hell do you turn the ringer off on this thing?” he grumped. “I got kicked out of class!”

  “You took me to class with you? That’s so sweet! Tell me where you are, and I’ll come carry your books for you.”

  Ben laughed. “I’m going back to class. Don’t call me again.”

  “Then let me take you out tonight.”

  “No, Tim.”

  “Go-karts. Me and you. We need to finally settle our differences.”

  “I have to wash my hair.”

  The line went dead, but Tim wasn’t discouraged. That evening he went home, got gussied up, and was halfway to Ben’s duplex when he called again. “I’m picking you up in ten minutes. That’s enough time to brush your teeth, check the mirror, and get your butt to the curb.”

  After a long pause Ben said, “Hurry up.”

  He wasn’t waiting at the curb, but he did answer the door a few seconds after Tim rang the bell. Tim offered his arm
, which was ignored, but soon enough Ben was in his car. If he could find a way to permanently lock the doors, he would have driven straight to Mexico and never looked back. Instead he made good on his promise and took him to a family fun center that had a lot more than just go-karts.

  They were walking through the arcade, game cabinets buzzing and bleeping, when Tim put an arm around Ben’s shoulders. “High school, take two,” he said.

  Ben smirked. “You couldn’t pay me to go back there again.”

  “You sure? Five hundred bucks? A thousand?” The reaction to this was strangely awkward, so Tim tried again. “It wasn’t all bad. Junior year was pretty nice.”

  Ben didn’t exactly sigh and lean into him, but he didn’t pull away, either. When they were out on the track, racing each other, Tim became frustrated. Usually he loved engaging in a miniature race, but not when it meant being separate. Then again, when he purposely lost near the end, Ben wore the same goofy smile as in the photo. Take that, new guy! I can make him happy too!

  “Another round?” Ben asked when they were getting out of the karts.

  “I can’t stand the humiliation of another loss. Besides, I owe you your prize.”

  “Prize?”

  “Yeah, the loser always buys the winner a beer.”

  Ben shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I can afford it, trust me.”

  Now Ben looked downright uncomfortable, but Tim couldn’t figure out why. “Still don’t drink?”

  “I do. Not often, but occasionally.”

  “Then let’s go.”

  Tim supposed it would be like this for a while. Ben would have fun with him and get caught up in the past before remembering his current boyfriend. But eventually he would make a choice, and Tim was feeling more and more confident about what that choice would be. A couple of beers and some horrible chicken wings later, Tim was driving Ben home when the storm that had been hovering over the city finally broke, rain pouring down.

  “Good.” Ben sighed in relief. “We need that!”

  “We do?”

  “I mean plants and things,” Ben explained, but Tim had already hit a button on the car’s console. “Hey, what are you doing?”

  With a whirr of motors, the convertible top opened, letting the weather in. Ben shouted in shock, and Tim howled with laughter. Soon Ben joined him as they cruised through torrents of rain. They reached Ben’s home a few blocks later, but it was enough to thoroughly soak them both, Tim’s shirt and shorts plastered to his body.

  “Mind if I come in for a towel?” he asked once the convertible top was up again.

  “Allison is home.”

  “So? Just think of what we used to do when your parents were home.”

  “Ha.” Ben gestured toward the duplex with his head. “Come on. But in and out, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  Allison was on the couch watching TV when they entered. She didn’t look happy, shutting off the television and rising to have a hushed conversation with Ben. Tim idly examined the surroundings, feeling like a home wrecker. When the whispers became more like hisses, Ben broke away briefly.

  “Wait in my room,” he said, pushing Tim in the right direction.

  Perfect.

  He didn’t find anything recognizable about Ben’s bedroom, the furniture and decorations completely different from those of their teenage years. With one exception. The painting Tim had given Ben for his birthday—two hearts overlapping—hung on a wall opposite the bed. Tim stared at it, part of him criticizing his work from so long ago, but the rest of him feeling elated.

  He spun around when Ben came in, wanting to scoop him up into his arms. Instead he took inspiration from the towel Ben had fetched for him and started stripping off his wet shirt. Slowly.

  For one fleeting moment, familiar lust made those brown eyes appear anything but innocent. Then Ben tossed him the towel and looked away. “I need you to go.”

  Need. Not want. Tim dropped his shirt on the floor and towel-dried his hair. “Mind if I keep this? The car seats are pretty wet.”

  “Sure.” Ben remained in the doorway, eyes on the carpet.

  Just come closer, Tim thought. We both want this. “I had fun today,” he said. “Just like old times. Better maybe, since I’m hiding in your bedroom from Allison instead of the whole world.”

  “It was a nice day,” Ben admitted.

  “How about dinner tomorrow? You deserve a better meal than those chicken wings.”

  Ben raised his head. “You broke my heart. You know that? I picked myself up and brushed myself off, but it never stopped hurting.”

  Tim swallowed. “If it’s any consolation, I broke my own heart in the process.”

  “Did you?”

  Tim put his hand over his chest. “I swear. I won’t pretend to know what you went through, but I sent myself straight to Hell. I deserved everything I got, but you didn’t.”

  Ben looked away, chewing his bottom lip. Tim struggled to find another way of expressing how much regret he felt, but there were no adequate words. He was sure he had lost when Ben said, “Maybe a quick lunch.”

  “Deal!” Tim walked toward him, towel draped over one shoulder, and Ben stood aside for him to leave. That was okay. Tim showed himself out, nodding cordially to Allison on the way. Not bad for the first date. Not bad at all.

  * * * * *

  Tim had an enemy in Allison. A shame, since he really did like her, but her intent became obvious the next day. Tim met Ben for lunch on campus, which was nice, but not conducive to romance. When they made plans for that night, Tim knew they were on the fast track. He could feel the tension between them growing. A little more time spent together and the outcome was inevitable.

  Then Ben called in the late afternoon to cancel, saying Allison needed a night out with him. Tim didn’t hold it against her. She was only trying to protect Ben from getting hurt again. She’d come around when she saw how happy Tim would make him. Instead of getting angry, he made further plans.

  Saturday morning, Tim collected Ben and whisked him away to a nearby amusement park for another blast from their past. It wasn’t the same park they’d visited as teenagers, but it wasn’t so different either. They fell right back into their old routines, except this time Tim was desperate to touch Ben in public, to hold his hand or just put an arm around him. He didn’t, not wanting to move too fast, but Tim did mentally kick his teenage self around for all the missed opportunities.

  The day was ideal, the sun steadily sinking, when Ben’s new guy found a way to ruin their fun, even from out of town.

  “Samson!”

  “Who?”

  “Jace’s cat. I totally forgot to feed him today.”

  Tim had forgotten the new guy’s name until Ben said it again. Jace hadn’t come up in conversation at all, and Tim had been happy to pretend he didn’t exist. Ben—well, who knew what he was thinking? But now they had to head back to Austin just to feed the damn cat.

  “I hope Samson’s okay,” Ben fretted once they were back on the highway. “Usually I stay over there when Jace is out of town.”

  “So why haven’t you been?”

  This earned a thoughtful pause, but one that ultimately backfired on Tim. “I’ll crash there tonight. Gotta make sure the apartment looks nice before Jace comes home.”

  “When’s that?”

  “Tomorrow night.”

  “So I have you to myself until then.” Tim glanced over at him. “We can do dinner tonight. We’ll feed the cat and then head out. My treat.”

  “You don’t need to pay for everything,” Ben said. “I have money too, you know.”

  “I can afford it.”

  “How?”

  That single word was loaded. Heavily. Come to think of it, Ben acted weird every time the topic of money came up. Tim’s stomach sank. He knew what people said about him at school. The rumors had started after he moved in with Eric. The following fall, the fraternity had sent their usual fund-r
aisers to the alumni, including Eric. Tim had answered the door, recognized one of the brothers, and told them they could go fuck themselves. The rumors had spread after that, lies that would explain Ben’s curious reactions.

  “I inherited some money,” Tim said. “A lot, actually.”

  “From who?”

  “No one you would know,” Tim snapped. He regretted it and took a few steady breaths. “His name was Eric. He was a friend of mine. He died last year.”

  “I’m sorry.” Ben paused. “Still, it’s a bit unusual. Inheriting money from a friend, I mean.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yeah. Unless he was your sugar daddy or something.”

  Tim felt his temper rising. “I guess Allison has filled you in on the rumors, then?” Why did people have to be so stupid? Maybe the situation was unusual, but that didn’t give them the right to cast judgment. Especially on Eric. He was amazing and wouldn’t have needed to buy anyone. Ever. “I guess there’s no point in telling you what you already know. Eric was rich, old, and gay. What else could it have been, right?”

  Ben looked guilty. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, it’s bullshit! People think the whole world revolves around sex and money, but they’re wrong. Eric was a good person and one of the best friends I ever had. All he ever wanted was friendship.”

  “I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “Yeah, you did, but it’s okay.” Tim exhaled. “I just get tired of what people say. They don’t know me. They take a couple of facts and warp them into something they can feel superior about.”

  “Yeah, that does suck.” The hum of tires on the freeway accompanied an awkward pause. “So what’s the truth, then?”

  Complicated, to say the least. Tim explained the parts of it he could, how Eric was like the father he’d always wished for. How they could spend hours just being in each other’s company and talking. And how, at the end, Tim found himself playing a role he never expected to. That part was much too complicated to express, so he kept it simple. No details, no breakdown of those final days. Tim had been his nurse. Simple as that.