Something Like Winter

by Jay Bell

  Tim stared at him. “Seriously? You’re mad that I’m not full of myself and don’t surround myself with my own art?”

  Ben’s shoulders slumped. “No. I’m not. I’m just scared that history will repeat itself.” He looked up at Tim. “I’m falling in love with you again. Or I never stopped being in love. I don’t know. It’s so confusing, and everything feels so intense, even more so than when we were younger. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Yeah,” Tim said, voice hoarse. He knew.

  “Just think how much more it’ll hurt when it doesn’t work out.”

  “You say that like it’s a certainty.”

  Ben shook his head. “I don’t mean to. Look, just promise me that I can trust you. That whatever secrets you have can’t hurt us.”

  “I don’t have any secrets,” Tim lied. How could he ever confess what he and Aaron had done? But Ben needed more, like he always did. “Earlier, in bed, you asked about the scar on my arm.”

  Ben nodded “You said it was a mistake, whatever that means.”

  “Yeah. A mistake. His name was Travis.”

  Tim took a deep breath and told Ben his story.

  * * * * *

  His contemporary art final completed, Tim walked out the classroom door, wishing he could magically end up on stage to accept his diploma. His college education was at an end, assuming he passed. He was certain he’d squeaked by, at the very least. Despite still not knowing what to do with his future, he felt a sense of pride for buckling down and getting through it all, especially in the last year when Eric’s money made dropping out a strong temptation.

  “How’d you do?” Aaron said outside in the hall.

  Tim had been hoping to avoid him. He had plans to meet Ben for lunch, but he could spare a few minutes. “On the final? No problem. You?”

  “I’m sure I passed, not that it matters.”

  “Taking my money to the nearest beauty school?”

  Aaron laughed. “Something like that. How’s it going with Ben?”

  “Good.” Tim nodded slowly. “I think we’re getting there.”

  Aaron’s expression was a little snide, but he said, “He’s lucky. It’s sort of romantic what lengths you went to. I mean, it’s twisted, but also kind of sweet.”

  “Thanks. Listen, I’m sorry if I sent any mixed signals. It’s been a very weird year.”

  Aaron rolled his eyes but didn’t look angry. “No big deal. I figure I’ll find the right guy while cutting hair. If I get a job at a ritzy salon, I’ll have my pick of rich old—”

  Aaron never finished his sentence because someone grabbed him and spun him around. When Tim saw who, his stomach sank.

  “You go to school here?” Ben said incredulously.

  “What the hell?” Aaron snapped before he caught up with the plot. “Oh god! Leave me alone!”

  Aaron tried pulling away, but Ben kept his grip on his shoulder, grabbing the other. Tim hadn’t seen him like this since their brawl with Bryce and his cousin.

  “I thought you were from out of town.” Ben snarled. “You’re a student here, aren’t you?”

  “Ask Tim!” Aaron whined. “Leave me out of your little love triangle.”

  Aaron was released, backing away before he turned and fled from the building. The fight had gone out of Ben, but his breathing still came fast as he stared into space, the puzzle pieces coming together. Then he glanced over at Tim, abhorrence in his eyes before he turned away.

  “Benjamin, wait!” Tim started after him, ducking in front of him. “Let me explain.”

  “You lied! And I was stupid enough to believe you. And now Jace—” Ben’s voice strangled to a halt, Jace’s name little more than a whisper. He looked at Tim, shaking his head as if the truth was too horrible to believe.

  Tim was losing him. Again.

  “I would do anything to be with you.” Tim put all of himself into his words, desperate to convince Ben that this time he was telling the truth. “Yeah, I lied, but I don’t regret it. If that’s what it took to get you back, then it was worth it.”

  He tried embracing Ben, hoping he would cry this one last time, get it all out so they could move on. Instead Ben exploded, arms lashing out and knocking Tim away. Unrestrained, he rushed toward the daylight at the end of the hallway.

  “I fucked up, okay?” Tim called after him.

  Ben kept moving.

  “I didn’t know how bad leaving Jace would hurt you.”

  Ben reached the doors and shoved them open, Tim hot on his heels and struggling to find words powerful enough to make him stop.

  “You kissed me! It’s not like everything was perfect between you two. You wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you.”

  Ben was beside his car now, shaking his head and fumbling with the keys.

  “You wanted to believe the lie.”

  The keys clattered to the ground. Tim felt one feeble thread of hope reach out to him.

  “You wanted an excuse to come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall apart just as much as I did.”

  Ben turned and leaned against his car like he was about to faint. Tim took hold of his arms, happy for the excuse to touch him, to breach the distance that threatened to consume them.

  Ben was incredulous. “What is it with us? Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re together. Is that what makes us attracted to each other?” He shook his head again. “It’s like those studies where a woman meets a man on a swinging bridge over a crevice and finds him extremely attractive, but when she sees him in a safe environment she barely gives him a second glance. We like each other now, but what happens when the danger dies down, when our love is no longer forbidden or a secret? What’s left between us then?”

  “A lot,” Tim said. “I promise.”

  The way Ben looked at him, he might as well have been speaking gibberish. “How can I even trust you anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your paintings. Is there anything real about you? Do I even know you?”

  “Don’t say that,” Tim pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know me.”

  “Well, maybe I don’t want to anymore.”

  Tim let his hands fall. The second he was free, Ben picked up his keys and got into the car. Tim watched him, hoping he would stop, roll down the window, and say he didn’t mean it, that passion had shaped these false words. But Ben didn’t even glance at him—not once—before he drove away.

  * * * * *

  The phone rang and rang on the other side, a sad whale song against his ear. Usually there was no answer, but when Allison answered, she would tell Tim that Ben wasn’t home. He kept calling anyway, desperate to apologize, to explain himself, even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Tiring of never getting anywhere, Tim showed up in person.

  Allison answered the door.

  “He’s not here.”

  Tim sighed and spun around to check the driveway. Ben’s car wasn’t there, but maybe he had parked around the block.

  “Want to come in?” Allison offered.

  “No. I believe you.”

  “I wanted to talk to you anyway,” she said.

  Tim hesitated. She didn’t seem angry with him. “Did Ben tell you what happened?”

  She nodded. “It was lower than low, but I have to give you props. I never thought you’d do something that crazy to win Ben back.”

  “Seriously? You’re just now figuring out how much he means to me?”

  Allison shrugged. “You aren’t the most forthcoming guy with your emotions. Before, I thought you only wanted Ben in your life when it was convenient for you.”

  “Believe me,” Tim said, “our relationship has never been convenient.”

  Allison’s smile was sympathetic, but her expression became somber. “They’re getting back together.”

  “What?”

  “Jace and Ben. Right now Ben is avoiding both of you, but he regrets what happened with Jace and wishes they could start over.”
>
  Tim shook his head. “Jace won’t take him back when he finds out about me.”

  “He will,” Allison said. “I told him everything. Jace still wants him back.”

  Seriously? Could anyone really be that nice?

  Allison read his expression. “The man is a saint. I know you and Ben have your history, but so do they. And Jace has never hurt Ben. Ever. Maybe he will someday, but not intentionally. He’s too good a man.”

  “So they keep telling me,” Tim muttered.

  “Graduation is tomorrow.”

  “I know.” Tim had thought about it obsessively because Ben was sure to be there. He didn’t want to patch up things in public, but it might be his only hope.

  “Jace will be going,” Allison said. “It’s a surprise. Ben doesn’t know. It’s their best chance of getting back together, and I need you to do the right thing. If you love Ben, if you want him to be happy, you’ll back off and let them be.”

  “I don’t want to,” Tim said, but without defiance. Instead he felt like a child struggling against the inevitable. “I want to be the one to make him happy.”

  “Well, here’s your chance,” Allison said. “A lot of guys tried to fill your shoes, but they were either trash or weren’t good enough for Ben. Then Jace came along, and all Ben’s dreams came true. Give them their space. Let Ben be with the person who makes him happiest.”

  “Is he really that good?” Tim asked.

  “Jace?” Allison nodded. “He’s pretty damn incredible.”

  Tim couldn’t say yes—at least not verbally. He didn’t trust his voice to be strong enough. But he nodded, and Allison hugged him.

  “Thank you,” she said with a squeeze. “And I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, me too.” Tim took a few steps back. “Listen, if it doesn’t work out between them, let me know, all right? Just on the off chance that Jace is a serial killer or something.”

  “It is always the nice ones.”

  They shared an awkward laugh before Tim said goodbye, the words meant more for Ben than for anyone else.

  Goodbye, Benjamin.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  “Lovely, Gordito! The whole ceremony was just lovely. We’re so proud of you!”

  Tim’s mother raised a wine glass, prompting Tim and his father to do the same. The restaurant was full of other fresh graduates and their parents, celebrating after the big event. Tim clinked glasses and smiled, even though he wasn’t in the most festive mood. Not since Ben’s name was called at the ceremony. Tim had half-stood, catching his last glimpse of Ben before he resumed the idyllic life that Tim had interrupted.

  “Now what?” his father said with a knowing smirk. “That’s what you’re wondering. I remember the feeling, worrying about job prospects or if you graduated with the right degree.”

  “Yeah, exactly.” Somehow Tim managed to hide his sarcasm.

  “You’ll find your way, son. You could always work for my company. We could use a new sales rep in Austin.”

  Ella beamed at the idea. “That would keep you on your feet until you find the right architectural firm.”

  Tim nearly laughed. Architecture wasn’t his future. It was merely a convenient answer when people asked what he planned to do. “Actually, I’ll probably take a break for a while. Maybe travel or focus on my painting.”

  “You can’t make a living on your art,” his father said.

  That was for sure, but they didn’t know about the money. Eric had left him enough that Tim could live off the interest without touching the actual inheritance, if he was careful. But his parents were clueless, thinking he still lived at the frat house. They didn’t know a thing about his real life. Or Eric.

  He thought of Ben, of how much secrecy had already cost him. That was Jace’s true advantage. As cool and confident as Jace might be, Ben never would have left Tim if he hadn’t clung so desperately to his secrets. But he had, which allowed Jace to slip in and take his place, unhindered by any neurotic hang-ups. Now it felt no matter how hard he ran that he would never catch up to Jace. Or Ben.

  Maybe it was time that changed.

  “I have my own place now,” Tim said as dinner wore down. “Come see it.”

  “We have a three-hour drive,” his father replied.

  “Just stop by,” Tim pressed. “Mom wants to see it, don’t you?”

  “We have time, Thomas.”

  “Very well.”

  Tim led the way, alone in his car as they headed up to West Lake Hills. He could only imagine what his parents were thinking as they drove through a neighborhood of homes worth astronomically more than their own. They must have thought he was joking when he pulled into the driveway.

  “What is this?” Thomas said, shutting the car door. “Is this a frat house?”

  “It’s my house,” Tim said, walking to the front door so his parents had to follow. An awkward silence accompanied them until Tim opened the door, Chinchilla scampering around in greeting. Then Tim started speaking. “There was this guy. Eric. He was also a brother in Alpha Theta Sigma, although a little before your time, Dad. Eric Conroy. Did you know him?”

  His father shook his head, and Tim led his parents to the living room. Once seated, he told them the truth. All the important parts, at least. He didn’t tell them about Travis, but he did say Eric had once picked him up when he was down, and possibly saved his life. He told them everything wonderful about Eric, even if it didn’t help ease their confusion, and then he told them how he had died.

  His father was incredulous. “And he left all this to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t see why he would,” his mother said.

  “Because we cared about each other.”

  Thomas cleared his throat. “If you have all this money, then why have we been paying your tuition?”

  “I’ll pay you back, I don’t care. Just listen to me. Eric was a good person, and we weren’t more than friends, but we loved each other. The thing you need to know about Eric, even though it shouldn’t matter, is that he was gay.”

  “Oh, Tim,” his mother said as if Tim had been conned or coerced.

  “I wasn’t with him like that.”

  “Of course you weren’t!” his father nearly shouted. “But he was obviously deluded enough to think he could buy you.”

  Tim clamped down on his anger. “Do you remember Ben? From back in high school. He had dinner with us that one night.”

  His mother nodded, and when she spoke, her voice was quiet. “They called his name at the graduation ceremony.” She still remembered him, and that confirmed that she had always wondered.

  “As you know, he’s gay too, and he and Eric are about the best people I’ve ever met in my life. And I know you’re not going to want to hear this, Mom, but the Bible is wrong. Or maybe people have changed it or twisted the words, because there’s nothing wrong or sinful about being gay.”

  His mother’s eyes were brimming with tears, his father’s scowl creating dark crevices between his eyebrows. They knew. Tim had said too much for them not to know, so he might as well get it over with. “I loved Eric, and I love Ben. I’ve already lost them both, but if I’m lucky, I’ll find someone else. But it’s not going to be a woman.”

  “That’s enough!” Thomas stood, grabbing his wife’s arm and pulling her to her feet. Then he let go of her and swung a finger in Tim’s direction. “You better get your head straight, young man! We didn’t raise you so you could play these sick games.”

  “You barely raised me at all!” Tim shouted. “Don’t act like I’ve disappointed you when you’ve never given a shit about me. You’re worried about what your friends or coworkers will think? Fine! Tell them I’m married to some bimbo with big tits. I don’t care.”

  “You watch your mouth!” His father came at him and slapped at him like he was a child. Tim raised his arms in defense, the idea that his father wanted to hit him far worse than the actual blows.

  “Thomas! Stop it!”


  The assault ceased. Ella hung on to her husband, who was huffing like a bull.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. About what I said. But not what I am.” Her eyes pleaded with him to take it all back, but he couldn’t. “I’ve always wanted to be a bigger part of your life, but now I guess the roles are reversed. It’s up to you. If you want to be a part of my life, you’ll have to accept who I am. You always said God has a plan for me. Well, this is it.”

  “We’re leaving.” His father pulled free from his wife and stormed out of the room.

  Tim’s mother lingered for a moment, a trail of tears glistening on her cheeks. Why was he so good at hurting people?

  She hugged him, but he knew better than to get his hopes up. “I’ll pray for you,” she said, a hand on each side of his face. “You pray too. I don’t want you to go to Hell.”

  Sure, why not? Even though he hadn’t prayed for a very long time, Tim would, but not for forgiveness. Instead he would pray for God to make his parents finally come to their senses. When they were gone, Tim put Chinchilla on her leash and went for a walk, shedding the anger and disappointment. Long ago he had feared what he would lose by coming out, but his parents had given him so little that there was virtually nothing they could take away.

  The men in his life had done the opposite. Eric had given him guidance and a home, not just a house. Ben had given him love—and although he might never know it, tonight Ben had given him a reason to be brave. And he had made sure Tim wouldn’t be lonely again.

  “If people want unconditional love, all they need is a dog.”

  Chinchilla stopped sniffing the ground long enough to look at him, but when she saw he wasn’t talking about a treat, she went back to her hunt for the perfect place to potty. Feeling oddly content, Tim continued his long stroll through the night.

  __________

  Part Four:

  Austin, 2004

  __________

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Time flies when you’re having fun… unless that’s all you’re having. Then time starts to drag. Tim had spent the last year doing exactly what he wanted. First he took a month to fix up the house, doing little repair jobs he had been putting off or rearranging rooms to give the place a fresh feel. He had a fleeting affair with photography, but the medium felt too easy, so he returned to his most loyal of lovers and painted the nights away. Then he discovered a dog park, which he often took Chinchilla to. Every time he went, women there eagerly flirted with him, as if all that guy-seeking magazine advice had finally paid off. Tim enjoyed it regardless, a small collection of phone numbers piling up in a kitchen drawer.